Need to ramble, feeling lost.

LegacyUser

I'm not entirely sure where this is going to go, but just feel like I need to talk, to get this off my chest.

Where to start?

OK - firstly, I'm a 30 year old male and I am on the autism spectrum. I mention this, because it might help explain the following ramble and rant.

I struggle a lot with things, one of them is with being social. It really is quite difficult to me. It's tough to maintain friendships, to interact, to know what to talk about and a lot of the time I find myself being incredibly awkward around people, not knowing what to say. I also live somewhere that isn't my hometown, where everyone I know is, so I spend the majority of time by myself, in my room, or trying to exercise. I want to make friends, but I don't know how. I'm very good at hiding all of this and people who find out I struggle as much as I do are usually very surprised. I find it so tiring being around people for too long. It saps all of my energy.

I'm 30, but in my head I don't feel that way. When I think about it, I barely feel 25. Hell, even 21. And I don't know how other 30 year olds are meant to act. It also makes it difficult when it comes to dating, because I feel like where I am right now is just so inadequate with how I am in my life - I'm unemployed with no idea where I want to be in life and this scares me more than anything else.

Last year I had my very first "serious" job, which changed incredibly, moving from something I could cope and enjoyed to being something that I felt I was drowning in. I have a severe problem with keeping to timeframes, to meeting goals, and also with anything to do with administration. I double check and triple check, but always miss a number. Everyone would get annoyed at me and I'd let people down and I'd just feel worse and worse. I eventually quit that job.

I want to be successful. I want to be comfortable. But I get so scared because I don't want to end up like that again, I don't want to disappoint people, and I don't want my condition to make things worse for other people, because I feel like it does.

It's only been recently that I fully understood what I have -- my parents told me when I was younger, but I was an awkward teenager and ignored it. I went through all my education not knowing what I had. I could have had so much extra help, if I needed it - the condition I have affects has things like dyscalculia, dyslexia, and a problem with writing, but I did everything by myself - I powered through, eventually coming out with a pretty good honours degree in an area that I actually love being in, but jobs are so hard to get and all I'm getting back is rejection emails and it just hits my already shattered confidence so hard.

Anyway, I never fully understood what I had until I finished college. One day I was rummaging through our attic at my family home when I came across a messenger book. It was a series of notes that I had been asked to pass between my teacher in the school I attended (I was maybe between 3 or 6) and my mother, detailing how I had been awkward, no attention span, and just a pain in the bollox. Eventually my mother took me out of that school, when I was maybe 4 or 5 because they couldn't handle me - my mother taught me how to write, because I just wasn't able to at that age. When I think about it, I remember the book she used.

When I look at my life and that I've only had a "proper" job for maybe a year or so, I just feel like I haven't achieved anything, I haven't done anything with my life, and I look at people my own age or younger that know what they want to do and it just bothers me that I don't.

Last year I had a job, a girlfriend, and a lovely apartment. The apartment is still there, though the room I have takes up the majority of my social welfare. The girlfriend.. it was a strange relationship. I visited a counsellor up until recently and she helped me realize that it was a sometimes a tough one - she was not an easy person to get on well with, with so many issues that she was never willing to fix. She had anger problems, she was prone to outbursts, and, other things I don't want to go into right now. We argued. A lot. We fought over the stupidest things and I.. just couldn't take it anymore. I cheated on her with someone else, but stopped it before it went anywhere serious, because I couldn't go through with it. And I just ran, eventually telling my girlfriend and we broke up a few days later.

I don't know why I did it - something I've realized in myself is that I have an unbelievably hard time dealing with impulses. If something gets in my head, it's unbelievably hard for me to get it out unless I go through with it. I'd love to say it's part of my condition, but I just think I was scared. I didn't know if I could spend the rest of my life with a woman that really did scare me on numerous occasions ...

But I broke her heart. I shattered her confidence and her happiness and that makes me feel so horrible any time I think about it. We talk sometimes, only when she needs advice about something, but when I try she gets mad, calls me names, and hangs up. I don't know why I answer, but I just ... like feeling that I'm making a difference.

Anyway, I really am not sure what I aim to achieve from this, but I just wanted to ramble.

Carmel321

"If something gets in my head, it's unbelievably hard for me to get it out unless I go through with it."

It took me years to get over this one, once I had a decided to do something it really annoyed me if something cropped up and I couldn't do it or if I was going somewhere and things changed it annoyed me awfully and I never stopped to think why. (It was almost as if I now had a void and didn't know how to fill it in). Had someone said to me its ok it if doesn't happen, its not the end of the world, it doesn't have to happen today - this would have helped greatly.


so all I can suggest is stop and think whats the worst that can happen if whats in your head doesn't happen.

I would also suggest that although you are thirty a specialist who understands your needs and how to combat them would be well worth meeting. So if you accept you are on the Autism scale then those qualified in that are would be the best to see.

Hope that's of some help.