friends 'dumped' me

LegacyUser

Im going to try and keep this as short as i can, without too much detail.

basically I was friends with two girls who fell out with me. we were friends for about 7 or 8 years and i thought we were good friends. i really liked both these girls and i thought they liked me too.
we were part of a wider group of friends/acquaintances and we used to get together for dinner/cinema/gigs. I also went on holidays with both these girls every year, usually a week in the sun. I did spend a month on holidays travelling around with one of these girls.

I have never fallen out with either of them. I never argued with either of them and to be honest i considered them to be close friends.

anyway, they both fell out with me because they said i was 'rude' to someone, someone we did not know. Its rubbish, I am never rude to anyone. I wasnt in good form at the time and they both knew that. I mean i wasnt in good form for two days, not months or anything!
since all this happened, they havent bothered with me at all. i havent been invited on any nights out, weekends away, gigs, holidays, nothing.

they actually told our mutual friends that it was because i was rude to this other person, and i wasnt in good form.

i just feel so hurt by the whole thing, that my friends couldnt support me when i wasnt feeling great. that my friends just totally 'dumped' me after so many years without a second thought.
I never put my mutual friends into the middle of this and have never asked them what the others say about me. I know they dont like the situation but they have accepted that it is the way it is. So I know this will never change. I will never be friends with these two the way i was and it upsets me more as time goes on.
this happened over a year ago and i actually feel worse as the time passes.
Im just so hurt by them. These girls are not 'bitches' anyone who knows them would call them sound and nice and normal.

people tell me, 'you dont need friends if they are like that' but thats very easy to say.
I dont know how to get over this, i need to stop thinking about it but its actually worse than any break up with a guy. I just feel so sad and hurt by it all. Its really starting to effect my life.
how can i get on with my life? would hypnotism work?


( oh and we are all grown ups, in our 30's!)

HelgaWard

Difficult one. Could it be that your friends had an issue with you (or your behavior) for a while, and then when that particular incident happened, it was the straw that broke the camel's back? One of my friends is always very aloof, verging on rude at times to staff in shops & restaurants, I think it's rude, she obviously does not. I don't see her very often, but if I did see her more, it might put me off going out with her?
Really though the only people you can get the answers from are the two friends. Have you tried to contact them at all since? You say they don't bother with you, but have you tried with them? Maybe try and arrange a meet up and just ask them?

highly1111

Have you apologised for being rude to this person? Said that you know you were out of sorts but that there's no excuses for your behaviour. It may not be the rudeness that they have an issue with but the lack of apology / remorse for the behaviour???

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, in relation to apologising, I did say sorry to the person, the next day. Even though I wasn't rude. I explained I just wasn't in great form & if I came across as rude then I was very sorry. This person said it didn't bother them at all. I'm not a rude person. Honestly. not in the slightest.
I'm not sure what behaviour they couldbe had a problem with other then I just wasn't in great form. Honestly just for two days.

And I did get in contact with both of them separately & while one of them replied, it wasn't friendly. I have met them just once since at a mutual friends birthday. They just spoke as little as they could to me & basically spoke to everyone around me. They didn't even look me in the eye.

Taboola

If they dumped you over this one incident then you are better off without them. The fact that they never even told you this to your face though stinks of that just being an excuse.

How to get over it? Show them it doesn't bother you. Don't bring them up in conversation with anyone else. Do you have any hobbies?

LegacyUser

In relation to apologising, I did, the next day. I explained to this person that I just wasn't in good form & if I came across as rude then I was very sorry. I'm not a rude person, not at all. This person said it didnt bother them.
I did contact both girls at different times, one did answer but I never heard from her after.
I met both of them at a mutual friends birthday. Neither really spoke to me, they answered if I spoke to them. They didn't even look me in the eye.
I don't think there's anyway they want to be friends with me. How can I get over this.

Est28

OP, I'm not saying you do or don't do this because I don't know you but hear me out...

... How is your behavior in general? And I mean *really*?

You say it's ok to be in bad form for 2 days and that justifies you being rude to someone... we'll, you were still rude. We don't know the situation but perhaps it embarrassed your other 2 friends because by being rude to this person, it also reflected badly on them?

Also... how often do these things happen? Bad mood for 2 days, good mood for a day... then what? More bad moods? Are you generally positive? Happy? Pleasant?

Everyone SAYS they are but REALLY look at yourself.

I ask because there's no way these girls would drop you over ONE incident. But if it's become a pattern where you regularly get in these moods, act poorly and then seemingly think that's ok, well, then I'm not surprised they are done with you.

I actually wrote on here quite a while back. I was on the other end. 2 guy friends, all late twenties, but they went through the same mood swings constantly and seemed to think it justified them doing/saying practically anything. They'd be mean or nasty to me, they'd do as you did and be Rude to others but by proxy, I was labelled as being as mean as them just because I was in their company when we met others and it became embarrassing.

One bad day and I'd understand for a friend, if it becomes a reoccurring pattern, it was just too much for me. I had to get away from them and did.

Not trying to be hard on you here OP, but you're talking about once incident. It takes a pattern of the same behavior to make friends want to run away from you. Looking at yourself and your long-term behavior might be the real solution here.

LegacyUser

Yep I totally agree that it seems so unlikely they would dump me over one incident.
I was not rude to this person. I'm not saying it's an excuse to be rude, I wasn't rude. I wasn't UN great form & was very quiet. I didn't go out that night because I wasn't in great form.
Now I did have a reason for my humour, I just didn't want putting it in anyone else.

These 2 girls have never seen me in bad form. Never. No lie. We have never even had a bad word between us.
That's why this is so upsetting for me.
I just want to know how to get over this. I can't understand we they acted like this towards me but I need to get over it.

dixiefly

Someone else asked the question but do you have any current hobbies, sports etc that you can take up a bit more? t would be very good to widen you sphere of acquaintances and hopefully eventually friends. Any work group that you can go out with etc?

As others have said I wold certainly draw a line in the sand on these two "friends2. However keep in with your mutual acquaintances and be friendly but not needy with these ex friends when you happen to meet them again.

i do agree that it is very upsetting but, if you are satisfied that your behaviour has not deserved this, then move on with your head held high.

Aimeee

Have been through something similar. It's so hard and it is frustrating how long it takes to move on. Harder again if your social circle includes a lot of mutual friends. Fair play to you for not involving others. I wasn't so restrained or wise. Regretted it for a long time aftewards.
The best solution I found was to immerse myself in something i enjoyed not dependent on other people. For me exercise. (This did lead to new acquaintances). Find your thing and be consistent with it. Also i started to reconnect with very old friends, though I think this was more of a timing thing ie we all in same locality again.
Took me a good year and a half to get over it. It was bigger in my head of course than irl and tbh i was mad at myself for a long long time. Would not recommend this! I'm cautious now and have much lesser expectations of people. Women are weird creatures. This goes on a lot (i think) friendships die and come back again or not in some cases. Get out of your head. Its exhausting.

Est28

OP,
Not trying to be hard here but in your responses, nothing is your fault.

If people don't want to be around you, there must be a reason. And it's unlikely something they are doing.

Being in a bad mood for 2 days and making it sound like that's normal or ok is not right. Again I ask.... Is this a common thing? Getting in moods for periods of times?

We all have bad days, but that's not someone else's problem, they have their own and likely can put a brave face on it and still be outwardly pleasant to other people.

The fact that you apologized means something was wrong, so obviously you were rude to this person. You say you weren't but then why apologize? It sounds like you were but just don't seem to believe in yourself that what you did/said was rude, meaning we have a problem right there. If what you think is "ok" is seen as rude to other people, you need a change of attitude.

In terms of getting over it. Well, you just go on with your life. But if you want to actually deal with it, you need to look at yourself, something you sound unwilling to do and take responsibility for this.

Just because you haven't fought with these girls before doesn't mean this wasn't boiling for a while. In my case, the guy I was talking about, I'd never fight with him. He'd just continue as he was, I tried to softly mention sometimes when he said bad or negative things but he'd quickly get on the defensive. To him, clearly we never fought or had problems, but to me, it was just festering that this wasn't a good guy to spend so much time with. Sounds familiar here....

Also, just because you apologized and the person said it was fine, doesn't mean it was fine. Most people in that situation will just be polite (like you should have been) and accept the apology and move on, it doesn't mean their perception of you still isn't now soured.

I'm only saying all this because it's likely to happen again. I'm hearing a lot in what you right that you are the helpless victim in everything but that's just impossible. These things don't just happen for no reason or a once off. You're not giving us the full story here, or like my own friend, seem to be oblivious to it.

LegacyUser

Est28 wrote: »

OP,
Not trying to be hard here but in your responses, nothing is your fault.

If people don't want to be around you, there must be a reason. And it's unlikely something they are doing.

Being in a bad mood for 2 days and making it sound like that's normal or ok is not right. Again I ask.... Is this a common thing? Getting in moods for periods of times?

We all have bad days, but that's not someone else's problem, they have their own and likely can put a brave face on it and still be outwardly pleasant to other people.

The fact that you apologized means something was wrong, so obviously you were rude to this person. You say you weren't but then why apologize? It sounds like you were but just don't seem to believe in yourself that what you did/said was rude, meaning we have a problem right there. If what you think is "ok" is seen as rude to other people, you need a change of attitude.

In terms of getting over it. Well, you just go on with your life. But if you want to actually deal with it, you need to look at yourself, something you sound unwilling to do and take responsibility for this.

Just because you haven't fought with these girls before doesn't mean this wasn't boiling for a while. In my case, the guy I was talking about, I'd never fight with him. He'd just continue as he was, I tried to softly mention sometimes when he said bad or negative things but he'd quickly get on the defensive. To him, clearly we never fought or had problems, but to me, it was just festering that this wasn't a good guy to spend so much time with. Sounds familiar here....

Also, just because you apologized and the person said it was fine, doesn't mean it was fine. Most people in that situation will just be polite (like you should have been) and accept the apology and move on, it doesn't mean their perception of you still isn't now soured.

I'm only saying all this because it's likely to happen again. I'm hearing a lot in what you right that you are the helpless victim in everything but that's just impossible. These things don't just happen for no reason or a once off. You're not giving us the full story here, or like my own friend, seem to be oblivious to it.

Nope, I already answered here, these girls have NEVER seen me in bad form before. Never.
I don't even get in bad form, maybe you missed the part where I said there was a reason for my humour at the time but I didn't want to put upon others.
Now maybe it's as simple as they just never really liked me,& I can't see what else it could be.
I apologised even though I wasn't rude, as I didn't like to think that I appeared rude to someone or that that person would feel put out because of me. I wasn't rude, I just wasn't overly chatty. I was very quiet & didn't go out with them that night.
One of the girls actually said to me that I'm not usually quiet, so clearly I was being rude.

Now I understand where your coming from because I find it so difficult myself to understand. These girls have NEVER said anything to me about my behaviour. There's nothing wrong with my behaviour. My mutual friends, one of whom was there at the time, said that they were wrong & they have treated me disgracefully.

So please, I'm not a victim, I don't expect sympathy, I have not done anything wrong here except be a bit down for two days. It's not an ongoing thing. I'm not a moody person.

I just Was looking for advise in trying to get over people I thought were friends dumping me.
It's like a break up with a guy, only actually worse.

Est28

Well if we can take everything on face value here then, they did this for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Seems bizarre but to your own account, that's what they are doing... soooo... oooook.

OP, I don't think you're grasping how people work. Friends aren't going to confront you every time they see or hear you do something they don't like. People aren't like that, they aren't there to keep you in check. You have to know how to keep yourself in check and if you don't, people will distance themselves from you. Just because they've never got mad at you before doesn't mean they haven't just grown weary for making excuses and letting things go with you. There's just no way this happened for no reason, out of the blue.

The part that's getting us nowhere is everything you say is like "I did nothing wrong", "When I was rude, I wasn't actually rude", "I'm never in bad form, except for this one time I was in terrible form and took it out on everyone", "Just because I was in bad form, I had a good reason so everyone has to put up with how I treat them regardless of their own problems at that time".

Sorry, that's how it comes across. You're telling us you're completely blameless, never EVER do anything wrong, always the best friend possible, yet these girls clearly have had an issue with your attitude. I'm only asking you to REALLY look at your behaviour if you want to figure this out, that's what you need to do, and not be defensive about it.

If you don't want to do that, then to get over it, you just forget about them and move on with your day, there's nothing else to be said.

Est28

Well if we can take everything on face value here then, they did this for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Seems bizarre but to your own account, that's what they are doing... soooo... oooook.

OP, I don't think you're grasping how people work. Friends aren't going to confront you every time they see or hear you do something they don't like. People aren't like that, they aren't there to keep you in check. You have to know how to keep yourself in check and if you don't, people will distance themselves from you. Just because they've never got mad at you before doesn't mean they haven't just grown weary for making excuses and letting things go with you. There's just no way this happened for no reason, out of the blue.

The part that's getting us nowhere is everything you say is like "I did nothing wrong", "When I was rude, I wasn't actually rude", "I'm never in bad form, except for this one time I was in terrible form and took it out on everyone", "Just because I was in bad form, I had a good reason so everyone has to put up with how I treat them regardless of their own problems at that time".

Sorry, that's how it comes across. You're telling us you're completely blameless, never EVER do anything wrong, always the best friend possible, yet these girls clearly have had an issue with your attitude. I'm only asking you to REALLY look at your behaviour if you want to figure this out, that's what you need to do, and not be defensive about it.

If you don't want to do that, then to get over it, you just forget about them and move on with your day, there's nothing else to be said.

Potatoeman

Is there someone on the outside of this you can ask for advice? A sibling that has been around you and your friends that can give you some honest feedback.

zoobizoo

Est28 wrote: »

You're telling us you're completely blameless, never EVER do anything wrong, always the best friend possible, yet these girls clearly have had an issue with your attitude. I'm only asking you to REALLY look at your behaviour if you want to figure this out, that's what you need to do, and not be defensive about it.
.

The OP has explained what has happened.

People can turn on others quickly over some slight - I've seen a friendship of 25 years fall apart when one girl stopped talking to the other out of the blue...... No explanation, no concern about the feelings of the dumpee - these were inseparable pals from the time they started school until the friendship fell apart.

I wonder if they haven't liked you for a while and then hopped on the "rudeness" issue as an excuse.

OP - have your other friends in the group tried to intervene? Have any of them stepped in or said to you that the other two are in the wrong.

What you find is that people try to avoid conflict and awkwardness and if it;s easy not to get involved, they probably won't/

LegacyUser

To be fair to our mutual friends, I haven't asked them to get in between us. There was one mutual friend there at the time and she has told me that they were totally wrong and I did nothing wrong. Now, she's a quiet girl and isn't going to fall out with them over it, she's not confrontational at all, and they are her friends too. I wouldn't like to see her falling out with them either and being in the position I am.
One of my own oldest friends has said to me that they clearly didn't think much of me anyway, and I guess she is right.
If you're good friends with someone, you don't fall out with them when they are having a hard time.
And I'm honest when I say they have never seen me in bad form. I wasn't arguing with anyone, I wasn't a bitch to anyone, I was just very upset and very quiet.

It just appears to me that they must not have really been my friends for the last few years.
I'm just finding it hard to deal with. I think about it every day. And it gets me down so much. Now, it isn't affecting me outwards and I'm sure my friends, that I still have! , think I'm fine. But I'm really not.
Maybe hypnotism could Help?
If anyone has any experience of it?

zoobizoo

People often aren't principled enough to stand up and upset things in situations like this, regardless of who is right or wrong.

You've every right to feel upset and hurt.

Hypnotism won't help - tried it for something else. finding better friends will and focusing on the good friends that you have.

LegacyUser

Listen you will need to draw a line under it and move on. I say this after being well and truly hurt by a friend that I had held in very high regard, was very close with and helped out loads when she was in bother but she turned into such a self centred individual and Im not going to get into my story but I was treated terribly. I have mourned the loss of this friend and I too was shocking upset over it. I can understand how you feel but maybe extreme but I looked at like the stages of grief. You will get over this and you have a right to be upset because even now when I think of my own situation it still hurts abit to think how things worked out.

FatherTed

Firstly, you've said about 50 times in here that in your view you were no rude. Okie dokey. That's your view. But in their eyes you were. So perhaps you need to be the bigger person and say to them ok sorry for being rude to that person.

Call one of them and ask to meet for coffee/whatever and simply talk to them about it. And in the end if it doesn't work out well then it's their loss.

LegacyUser

Firstly I think some other posters are being particularly harsh on op n implying she's completely at fault.
She's shocked by their reactions, and came on here to ask for advice in moving forward a year after event.

I wish I could help op. I went through similar 20+ years ago and it was devastating. Again it was 2 girls, we'd been best friends all throughout college and afterwards.
The worst part was not knowing what I'd done- and I've always been very sensitive which made matters worse. I think what's more difficult for you is there's such a large group of you friends so it has to impact on all the other relationships as a result -whether directly or indirectly.

I could write for pages about how I was hurt for years afterwards, I moved on but it wasn't easy.
Please stay busy and enjoy what friends you do have. It is worse than losing a boyfriend, for me anyway.
But life goes on.
Perhaps you shouldve confided about your problem, but something tells me at some stage this would've happened anyway.
Maybe they're not as perfect as you think?

Rubberchikken

it seems a very extreme reaction from 2 'ggod friends' if you were in poor form on one occasion. it also seems very extreme for them to be so concerned about how you appeared to this other person.
for people in their 30s, it sounds more like behaviour from teens.

i realise that it is easy to say that you don't need friends like this, but the truth is you don't. but at the moment you are hurt and you feel abandoned by people you considered friends and this hurt is perfectly normal. the only way to deal with it is to let time heal it.

i'm sorry they treated you like they did, but it's part of life and sometimes life is tough.

take care

Addle

I'm the person who dropped my so called friends.
2 girls who I realised were just bad for me. They were demeaning, disrespectful and hard work. I always left their company feeling negative.
So I made a decision to stop bothering with them. Even though I knew it was something I had to do for me, it was difficult. I don't have any friends in my locality now, and I'm all the better for it.
It took them a long time to even realise what had happened. They can't figure it out; how could anyone not want to hang out with them?! They think they're great!
So I'm the bitch.
If they ever ask me why, I'll tell them.

I'm not saying it's the same in your instance OP, but it's just something that can happen.

Addle

I've been dropped too in the past.
Don't know why, but one suggestion proffered was that I knew something about the girl that she was in denial about.

vertmann

I get the impression that this was just the excuse they needed to drop you. You might not have done anything wrong at all. Friendships come and go all the time but usually they just fizzle out. This two went for the nuclear option.

They might not be the nice people you think they are either. You would be surprised at how spiteful supposedly "nice" people can be...

As for what to do. I wouldn't bother trying to ask them what you did wrong (have no idea why that piece of advice gets doled out here) or letting them see you're so hurt. Time is a great healer so keep busy and enjoy yourself as best you can. As you get used to not having them as an everyday part of your life you'll find it easier.

PearlJ

I was in your exact same position about 6 years ago. Had an argument with one friend and was subsequently dumped by the whole gang having been friends for many years.
It was devastating. When you lose a friendship, you definitely go through a grieving process. You question your role in the group, if they ever really liked you to begin with and it really really hurts to be dumped without a second thought.
I saw them all, through facebook, get married and have children and it hurt to not be a part of it. I emailed a couple of them trying to make amends - nothing. I would text them on birthdays or if I heard good news about them - nothing.
Eventually I made peace with the fact that they weren't interested and I moved on.
I would suggest that if there is no way back to amends, delete them from your facebook.
When they post things about going somewhere or doing something, it really stings to see them so happy, without a second thought while you're upset. You don't need to put yourself through that.
The way I thought about it, I made every effort possible to make it right and they weren't interested so why put myself through it. Try and move on, spend time with other friends or family. Easier said than done but it does ease.
All the best x

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I think the substantive issue here is how do you move on from this.

Fair play to you for not dragging mutual friends into this, however do you have a friend who wouldn't be close to them that you can talk this out with? Or a sibling? I don't mean going over the micro details of what happened and what they might have been thinking or what unspoken reasons there might be for their actions; quite frankly you're going to have to let those questions go. I mean just talking through the fact that you feel hurt, that you mourn the relationship, and that you're still finding it difficult.

Certainly agree with getting rid of them on social media if you haven't already, not as a dig, but because the less you're reminded of them, the better.

When you think about them, do you go into certain repetitive series of thoughts? Perhaps start being aware of that, maybe even writing it down to see if there's a pattern. Learn to recognise those series of thoughts before they go too far, take a few deep breaths and stop thinking them. Negative or distressing thoughts like that will usually manifest physically somehow too- you think of them and you start clenching your fists or jaw, or you feel nauseous, something like that. Tune into those physical sensations, breathe deeply and focus on making them go away. That definitely falls under the category of "easy to say", it takes practice, it takes huge will power and it takes time. There are thousands of mindfulness exercises, a bit of time on google and you should find one that appeals to you.

Change your routine up, focus on the good things in your life (both the big and small), maybe take up some new hobbies or challeges and keep working at getting past this. It won't happen in a day, and to my mind it's not really that over the top to still be mourning the sudden loss of two longterm friendships, however you know yourself that it's becoming a problem. You can't change the past, you can't change other people, all you can do in this situation is change what you do to cope because clearly it's not working.

Good luck

LegacyUser

thanks so much to you all for your replies.
i do have other friends, and i can speak to them but i dont want to be going on and on and on!!!

electro-bitch, thank you, yes i can feel the sad feelings coming on so i am trying to just not think about it. i try to put them out of my head as soon as they come into it.

its actually helpful to hear this has happened to others and you can understand how hard it is.

so thank you all, for taking the time.

LegacyUser

Tbh OP, I'd be v v sure that this isn't about one incident, or you being rude. My take is that you & your friends just aren't compatible, and they didn't end the friendship earlier. That's not your fault, but they possibly just don't want continue the friendship.

I had a friend who I had a lot in common with. My problem with her was that I'd know as much about her as someone I'd sat beside in work for only a few weeks. The friendship, while genuine, became totally unequal. I'd share a lot of stuff; she'd share zero. I'd tell her my hopes or fears; she'd share nothing. In the end I didn't feel comfortable where we weren't able to talk on an equal basis. That's a fairly specific situation, but is there anything like that going on, where you differ from your friends in some fundamental way?