Trust issues

LegacyUser

Any help is greatly appreciated.

A bit of backgrpund why i think i feel the way i do.My most recent ex was emotionally cheating on me and lied throughout our relationship.

I've been talking to this new guy that I seemed to really click with and he added me on fb. Honestly,social media seems to bring out the worst in people and you get to see everything about them that may take you months to find out. I didn't do any chasing. He initiated contact originally with me, added me on fb and messaged me. As soon as I let my guard down and messaged him he immediately shrugged off talking to me and said he would get back to me. I haven't heard from him since. I have now realised he is going to a girls party and the messages back and forth were quite flirty on the post.
I feel I'm never going to trust anyone. I never had trust issues previous to my last relationship but anything seems to set me off now. I feel hopeless and have no idea why he intimated contact with me if he had no plans to pursue anything with me. He wanted me to come to dublin to meet sometime which I think is hilarious considering he was only 20 minutes away from me last week and didn't bother trying to meet up.
Can anyone please give me advice on how to not care? I just want to switch off and not care about things that obviously aren't meant to be. Feeling like this is all new to me and I feel I'm becoming quite withdrawn and almost resentful towards men. Will it just take time to build trust with people again?

Thank you all

Typer Monkey

But it's an entirely normal reaction to not trust this Facebook guy. He sounds like a messer and not particularly interested in you. As long as you are judging each man who comes along as an individual and on his actual actions then you are behaving normally and appropriately

Rubberchikken

get to know someone the old fashioned way first. leave FB out of it for the time being.
i've no experience of it but from what i see/read it causes more trouble than it's worth at times.

by going slowly and getting to know someone, hopefully trust will be built up and your faith in mens will be restored.
take care

matrim

Has long was he "chasing" you? Maybe he thought you weren't interested and moved on

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I have to agree,I'd love to learn about someone the old fashioned way instead of what they post online.
For matrim, it's been about Two weeks and that's why I decided to play it cool and not come on too strong but by no means was I rude or dismissive. I engaged in normal convo with him,asked him questions etc. He also knew the other girl before me as there are pictures with her and I am assuming they are seeing eachother as the pictures are quite intimate. Im hoping not exclusively though.
It's not so much about him in particular ,it's the fact that I've become someone that I really tried hard not to become. I'm trying so hard to treat men individually aswell but that too is becoming a struggle and i really don't want to take my trust issues out on anyone I may date in the future

LegacyUser

slowlycomingdown wrote: »

I didn't do any chasing. He initiated contact originally with me, added me on fb and messaged me. As soon as I let my guard down and messaged him he immediately shrugged off talking to me and said he would get back to me. I haven't heard from him since.

As a side note,I probably didn't word this right. I allowed him to message me first but always kept up good conversation. When I said I'd message him first for a change,my question was responded by "oh that's a good one I'll have to think about it and get back to you"
It was just a silly conversation we were having the night previously but I still felt like an idiot for even allowing myself to message him first to be shot down.

LegacyUser

You're single he's single, just because he started talkin to you doesn't mean anything. You weren't in a relationship or hadnt even gone out once so why would you be in any way invested to let it bother you he talked to another girl on fb. It would scare me if I just flirted with a guy and he then got jealous I talked to someone else, and i hadn't gone out with them, kissed them or anything. Guys, and girls, can flirt with a lot of people when single and are free to do so.You need to chill and keep your options open. Dont build your hopes on the next guy that talks to you.I understand you're insecure after your last relationship. Trust issues come into play when in a relationship and there's some kind of commitment, you gradually build trust between you.

LegacyUser

@reply, I don't think you read my post clearly? I never once said I was jealous and stated it's not about this guy in particular. I think you're missing my point completely.

orthsquel

did you originally meet that guy on a dating site or something, or random chatroom somewhere? Or did he just randomly chat with you on facebook? tbh my own instinct reading your post tell me avoid that guy like the plague! Sounds like he was really only interested in chatting you up online, but doesn't sound like ye knew eachother really before he invited you to Dublin, probably to chance his arm getting his leg over!! But facebook... unless you know the person, it is easy to assume either way that a girl in a pic is a girlfriend or a close friend... and unless you know the persons involve and their actual real-life selves and what they are to eachother, it is easy to assume something that might not be accurate.

Either way anyway the guy sounds like a flirt (nothing wrong in that in itself) but not really that interested. And that probably has nothing to really do with you at all.

There is nothing wrong with trusting people. We all get hurt putting trust in others but if we did not, we would miss out on a lot, lot more. I can understand that for you it is hard to give trust, but give yourself time to firstly trust yourself and then others. It's not always going to be like this, that you feel mistrustful. Time will help.

As for what Typer Monkey said, I agree. Treat each person as an individual and not be coloured by the past experience in deciding whether to trust or not. Not everyone is going to be like your ex. and not everyone is going to be like that guy on facebook either, who from what you've described I wouldn't trust his intentions - and that's my own personal opinion - but that doesn't mean every other person you are going to meet is going to be untrustworthy in any sense.

athtrasna

OP how old are you? From your post you sound young, and unfortunately a lot of these things take time and experience to learn.

Jotunheim

slowlycomingdown wrote: »

@reply, I don't think you read my post clearly? I never once said I was jealous and stated it's not about this guy in particular. I think you're missing my point completely.

I read the same posts and I agree with Reply, you seem to have over-invested for so little contact. From what I can see you've never even met him. You didn't have a relationship for him to betray and feeling you can't trust anyone is an overreaction to a brief flirtation that came to nothing.

LegacyUser

Thank you again for the replies. To the poster that asked what age I am,I'm actually in my mid twenties so no,not a teen by any means. We have a mutual friend although we have never met.

To jotumheim, just curious as to where in my original post you believe I've over invested? He initiated all contact with me and we talked pretty much everyday for around two weeks. When I started to put myself more out there, he just cut contact. Up and vanished like a fart in the wind. Besides as I said, it wasn't him in particular that I'm upset about. It's just the thoughts of leading someone on and then to just cut contact is harsh and I feel like this is going to be my life from now on. Never really trusting anyone because of my past bad experiences with relationships. He led me on and made me believe that he was interested when in fact I was probably just someone to stem the boredom. I am using this guy as an example purely just because it's also happened me in the past that when I start to open up,they back away. It's just confusing...I don't know what men want anymore

Jotunheim

slowlycomingdown wrote: »

To jotumheim, just curious as to where in my original post you believe I've over invested?

Well, all of it really. He owed you nothing, you never met him, you had a brief flirtation and now you've decided it's evidence you can't trust anyone. That's over-investing and overreacting. You read too much into chatting with a stranger, built up an expectation based on nothing and this shouldn't be that big a deal.

daisybelle2008

slowlycomingdown wrote: »

He led me on and made me believe that he was interested when in fact I was probably just someone to stem the boredom. I am using this guy as an example purely just because it's also happened me in the past that when I start to open up,they back away. It's just confusing...I don't know what men want anymore

OP that's very over dramatic, you have never even met this guy. Flirting and passing the time is perfectly normal with a new Facebook acquaintance. He has no obligation to maintain interest in you and vice versa. It happens a lot, you add a person, chat up a storm and then life gets in the way and it's no big deal.

You are reading too much into it and are perhaps a little intense, all this about not initiating any contact and then 'putting yourself out there' - it seems very orchestrated. You don't have to 'stage manage' communication so much. Just let things happen organically, contact when it feels good and have lots if other interests so you are not so affected by someone haven't met and over invested in an outcome.

CaraMay

It's 2 weeks only!!! He owed you nothing. Op you probably need some time away from dating so you can get over your trust issues. There's no point bringing serious trust issues into any new relationship. You have loads of time. Step back and work on yourself for a while first.

LegacyUser

Ok I can see why it seems I am overreacting to many people. I personally would never go add a friend of a friend on fb,chat them up,make plans but then in the same breath fob them off. That obviously must be my issue? It seems like such a waste of time to me if you weren't planning to at least continue on normal conversation.
Thanks for the input Caramay but I don't know how I can get over my trust issues if I stay away from dating people? Would that not isolate me further? Please don't take that as me being passive aggressive. I just genuinely would like to know.
I know it probably seems silly to alot of people here but it genuinely hurts. When someone's telling you everything you want to hear and then their attitude changes quickly. It just gives me no faith that my relationships in the future will be better than previous ones

LegacyUser

Maybe I do get hung up on things that shouldn't bother me as much as they do. I think what bothered me the most is when I said I wouldn't go to dublin to meet him he probably just thought "oh well,she's not worth the hassle" as shortly after that he stopped contact.
I am going to just focus on myself for now and try not to get weighed down by things that shouldn't matter.
Thanks again for your opinions everyone

zeffabelli

slowlycomingdown wrote: »

Ok I can see why it seems I am overreacting to many people. I personally would never go add a friend of a friend on fb,chat them up,make plans but then in the same breath fob them off. That obviously must be my issue? It seems like such a waste of time to me if you weren't planning to at least continue on normal conversation.
Thanks for the input Caramay but I don't know how I can get over my trust issues if I stay away from dating people? Would that not isolate me further? Please don't take that as me being passive aggressive. I just genuinely would like to know.
I know it probably seems silly to alot of people here but it genuinely hurts. When someone's telling you everything you want to hear and then their attitude changes quickly. It just gives me no faith that my relationships in the future will be better than previous ones

Different people have different meaning systems, maybe don't invest so much meaning into Facebook chats.

As for trust issues, get them sorted or you yourself will become untrustworthy. What your trust issues are are a lack of faith in your own resilience to ensure betrayals or your own perceptions.

CaraMay

Your trust issues are fear that you are not good enough and that the next guy will hurt you. Imagine you meet a lovely guy now and he would never cheat on you but he has lots of female friends and a very interesting life. How would you handle that? Would you be happy with him going away with old friends or out for meals with these girls? You need to be at a point in your life where you know you deserve the best but also know if the worst happens that you are string enough to handle it.

I also think bringing trust issues into a new relationship is quite mean. You meet a guy who would never hurt you and you are paranoid and don't trust him from day 1. What does that do to him? How can he act normally when faced with that? Trust issues have a ripple effect as they invariably impact the new partner and always in the negative.

Forget about men. Travel, learn to cook, learn a new language and when a relationship is no longer the centre of your world, then Think about meeting someone. It's fairer on both of you

The reason this guys disappearance hurts is that you just clung on to the possibility of a relationship. Why not be more discerning and sit back and see how things go rather than cling onto a few words from some guy you never met. Sorry op but your reaction is way ott and until you are stronger this will just keep happening you. Take a break!!!

daisybelle2008

slowlycomingdown wrote: »

Ok I can see why it seems I am overreacting to many people. I personally would never go add a friend of a friend on fb,chat them up,make plans but then in the same breath fob them off. That obviously must be my issue? It seems like such a waste of time to me if you weren't planning to at least continue on normal conversation.
Thanks for the input Caramay but I don't know how I can get over my trust issues if I stay away from dating people? Would that not isolate me further? Please don't take that as me being passive aggressive. I just genuinely would like to know.
I know it probably seems silly to alot of people here but it genuinely hurts. When someone's telling you everything you want to hear and then their attitude changes quickly. It just gives me no faith that my relationships in the future will be better than previous ones

OP I don't know how long you have been single but guys/girls adding you on Facebook and ye sussing each other out is fairly normal in this day and age.
You are tying yourself in knots on one hand blaming him for not following through on the other blaming your trust issues. You don't have to place all your trust in Internet strangers and then get p*ssed off when they don't commit to you. Maybe he met someone else, maybe he lost interest, so what? He has every right. You have that choice too. Don't take it so personally. The meeting in Dublin at some stage suggestion was harmless.
If I had a euro for all the FB adds that came to nothing or guys you haven't met in years! Either party just gets bored or isn't that attracted anymore and lets it fizzle out. I would honestly think a guy I hadn't met was a bit of a psycho if I let contact fade after a couple of weeks and they were then blaming me for causing trust issues, taking note of my movements and getting jealous about me flirting with someone on FB status. Just put the shoe on the other foot.

daisybelle2008

zeffabelli wrote: »

Different people have different meaning systems, maybe don't invest so much meaning into Facebook chats.

As for trust issues, get them sorted or you yourself will become untrustworthy. What your trust issues are are a lack of faith in your own resilience to ensure betrayals or your own perceptions.

Exactly, you don't trust yourself to make good choices about men. You have no faith in your own judgement and are blaming the men for not living up to your standards, instead of taking responsibility for the fact you are choosing ones that are wrong for you. Maybe this guy feels you are just not his bag and if so he should be commended for stopping contact and not wasting his or your time.you don't have to place you trust in people you don't know, just trust yourself to walk away. Agree with CaraMay go find other interests. It's just at the moment you seem like a woman who would stay in a bad situation long after the sell by date and take no responsibility.

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

I would honestly think a guy I hadn't met was a bit of a psycho if I let contact fade after a couple of weeks and they were then blaming me for causing trust issues

I didnt say i blamed home for my trust issues? I advised at the start i was cheated on by an ex and thats why i think i feel the way i do. Sorry, but putting me in the same league as a psycho is extremely unfair. I wasnt "tracking" his movements as you say,its hard not to see when it comes up on your newsfeed. I most definetly didnt seek that information out.
Caramay, thank you. I will try and not overreact in the future and am going to try pick up a new hobby and not focus so much on relationships for the time being.

daisybelle2008

slowlycomingdown wrote: »

I didnt say i blamed home for my trust issues? I advised at the start i was cheated on by an ex and thats why i think i feel the way i do. Sorry, but putting me in the same league as a psycho is extremely unfair. I wasnt "tracking" his movements as you say,its hard not to see when it comes up on your newsfeed. I most definetly didnt seek that information out.
Caramay, thank you. I will try and not overreact in the future and am going to try pick up a new hobby and not focus so much on relationships for the time being.

I don't think you are a psycho, you are young, guaranteed you will look back and wonder why you were even bothered for a second about some non entity not contacting. You are a good person but at the moment you are likely to read situations badly and act a bit inappropriately clingy because you are insecure and were cheated on and want to prove you are lovable. But don't worry, it will pass. Get your confidence back yourself, a man can't give it to you, that's why it's called self-confidence.

LegacyUser

You're right daisybelle2008 I need to work on my confidence and shouldn't rely on a guy I barely know to justify anything in my head.

Flippyfloppy

When someone adds you on Facebook or if you meet someone online dating or even if you start physically dating a guy, just think of that as time where you get to know them. The more you find out about them youll know whether or not you'll like them, whether they're kind, loyal, stable etc.

You may talk to someone online and it may or may not lead to dating, and then dating may lead to something more or not....just remember that and try not to put your all into guys until you know them better and know where you stand.

And for the online side of things, remember it's not the same as talking face to face, it's very easy to pause for a minute to plan what you're going to say...it's not at all as natural as a real conversation. Just remember that going forward, it's easy to build up an idea in your head about what someone online is like, over analyzing what they write / what it might mean.