he broke up with me yesterday again

LegacyUser

Hi, I am writing here because I need to get some other people's opinions. I met my bf two years ago in south of Europe. Before that we knew each other from the internet. We fell in love. I am from central Europe country. We were meeting each other whenever possible, in fact he visited me only once and I visited him multiple times. He always had some excuses not to come. Later he found a job in Ireland and I followed him. He forced me to do so by telling that he has no intention to come to my country and that he does not want to continue distance relationship. I quit my job and left my own life behind to come to Ireland.

I really like Ireland but it is difficult here for me, the rent is high, even though the job which I have is good the working conditions are worse. I am not able to find any better job here. My salary is low and in fact after I pay the rent and after I pay for flights back home I have less than in my country. My boyfriend from the beginnning told me that time when we had distance relationship cannot be counted as a relationship at all. I was arguing with him lots of times about this, but I cannot force my way of thinking on him. I am renting a flat with him.

When I come to Ireland he told me that I can stay only for one month with him and later I must move out, he was giving various excuses. I was trying very hard to be good at home so as I was helping him with money and I was doing the cleaning he agreed that I stay. I wanted to rent with him because I would feel very lonely otherwise, and I wanted a serious relationship. I hoped that he can propose to me and that we can have a baby. He becomes angry at me when I talk about marriage and children. In fact he treats me very bad but I fell in love with him. I am sure I suffer from depresssion. I am still in the flat he is renting.

He told me that we need to break up yesterday. I was crying and shaking. He did this many times before so I did not know if this is for real or not. He suggested that I finsih working here and go home. I do not wnat to terminate job here as I am afraid that he will change his mind and I will regret this. He has been behaving in such a weird way for a long time so I reallly do not know what is real and what is not. I am cinfused. I am at this flat but I keep thinking of coming home. I am just afraid to take this step cause it will mean that it is really over. As the justification for his decision he told that we were arguing a lot. This is true but it was never a serious argument. It often happened cause he was abusive, or he was teasing me or joking about me and I wanted to defend myself. I know this all sound so bad but I love him very much cause he can also be nice to me and I got attached a lot and I cannot imagine never to see him again. This is also after to failed relationships when men left me. I have no strenght to leave him. I was crying a lot and I even have no strenght to go to the shop not to mention to pack my things , terminate my job , return home. I really do not know what to do. I am also aware this is my fault cause I allowed him to manipulate me a lot :-/ where can I find the strenght and how can I make this relationship work ?

Neyite

Sweetie, this isn't a good relationship for you. He is not kind and does not treat you well. You deserve a better, nicer partner for life than this. A relationship should add joy and happiness to your life, not arguments, abuse, and cruelty.

I dont think you alone can make this relationship work. For a relationship to work, it needs the two people working on it, and he is not doing that. He never did. He blames you for everything but he probably is at fault a lot.

I think that you should go home. Firstly, if it is the end, you'll need support from your family or friends to get through the break up, and I would highly recommend getting counselling to find out why you pick men that are unkind. Secondly, if this is just a cruel game to play with your head, maybe getting on a plane will show him that you ARE deserving of respect, and that he will lose you and that he cant just pick you and drop you on a whim for his own stupid games.

But, go home, get counselling and let him do a bit of work to try and get you back for a change. You might even surprise yourself after a bit of counselling and see that he really is not much of a catch after all.

daisybelle2008

Rorororolui wrote: »

I have no strenght to leave I am also aware this is my fault cause I allowed him to manipulate me a lot :-/ where can I find the strenght and how can I make this relationship work ?

OP, I don't see where he has manipulated you, in fact it looks the other way round. I think you need to respect his decision and not try guilting him into getting back with you and refusing to leave. He clearly has been trying to move on for a long time, but you are clinging on for dear life. Your history with men and relationships seems pretty toxic.
Being so needy and clingy is not healthy, it is hard for someone to love and respect you when you are acting like that. It is a major turn off.
I cannot believe you are asking how to make it work. Leave the guy alone, it is going to look like stalkerish behaviour if you cannot take no for an answer. Get some counselling, start living your life for yourself not trying to pin down a man at any cost and making yourself into some kind of victim.

Jotunheim

You shouldn't be afraid to take a step that would mean it's over, that would be the best thing that could happen to you right now. He treats you bad and you made a bad choice to put yourself in the position you're in right now and that all adds up to a toxic, unsafe situation for you. You would be foolish to cling on to this relationship any further and the best thing you could do right now is to go home to your family and build yourself back up to a place where you realise you deserve better than this "relationship" is giving you. Seriously, if you stay with him now, you can't complain about what happens next, it's time to end it and get away from him. If your response to that is "but I love him....", then you don't know what love is, because it's not this nonsense.

Rorororolui

Rorororolui wrote: »

Later he found a job in Ireland and I followed him. He forced me to do so by telling that he has no intention to come to my country and that he does not want to continue distance relationship. I quit my job and left my own life behind to come to Ireland.

What did he do to force you to come to Ireland? Did he ask you to come here or did you just presume that he wanted that? I'm just trying to get an idea about this.

My salary is low and in fact after I pay the rent and after I pay for flights back home I have less than in my country. My boyfriend from the beginnning told me that time when we had distance relationship cannot be counted as a relationship at all. I was arguing with him lots of times about this, but I cannot force my way of thinking on him. I am renting a flat with him.

Do you go home often? You complain about earning the same as you do at home, but, to me, a plane ticket is a luxury item that isn't all that necessary. Yes, it's nice to go home, but surely if you're spending that much, then you need to reevaluate how much you spend ..?

When I come to Ireland he told me that I can stay only for one month with him and later I must move out, he was giving various excuses. I was trying very hard to be good at home so as I was helping him with money and I was doing the cleaning he agreed that I stay. I wanted to rent with him because I would feel very lonely otherwise, and I wanted a serious relationship. I hoped that he can propose to me and that we can have a baby. He becomes angry at me when I talk about marriage and children. In fact he treats me very bad but I fell in love with him. I am sure I suffer from depresssion. I am still in the flat he is renting.

What was the reasoning that he gave you for wanting you to move after a month? It also seems that you have this idolized vision in your head - you want him to propose and you want him to have a baby with you, even though he told you that he doesn't want to live with you.

I don't know about depression, but I do think that you need to look into counselling to try and help you with your obvious neediness and self-esteem issues.

He told me that we need to break up yesterday. I was crying and shaking. He did this many times before so I did not know if this is for real or not. He suggested that I finsih working here and go home. I do not wnat to terminate job here as I am afraid that he will change his mind and I will regret this. He has been behaving in such a weird way for a long time so I reallly do not know what is real and what is not. I am cinfused. I am at this flat but I keep thinking of coming home. I am just afraid to take this step cause it will mean that it is really over. As the justification for his decision he told that we were arguing a lot. This is true but it was never a serious argument. It often happened cause he was abusive, or he was teasing me or joking about me and I wanted to defend myself. I know this all sound so bad but I love him very much cause he can also be nice to me and I got attached a lot and I cannot imagine never to see him again. This is also after to failed relationships when men left me. I have no strenght to leave him. I was crying a lot and I even have no strenght to go to the shop not to mention to pack my things , terminate my job , return home. I really do not know what to do. I am also aware this is my fault cause I allowed him to manipulate me a lot :-/ where can I find the strenght and how can I make this relationship work ?

He won't change his mind. He won't. You told us that he tried to break up with you many times, but, by any chance, did you try guilting him into staying with you? He's obviously had enough with the relationship - walk away. I mean that. Go back to your home country because you're obviously not happy here, for all the reasons that you gave previously.

How exactly did he manipulate you? Because, well, it feels like you manipulated him into staying with you.

His actions don't seem great, but you're not coming across as too great either. Both of you seem toxic and this is a toxic relationship.

LegacyUser

thank you for your responses. I will go back to you later with more details. This was useful what you wrote

Sleepy

All of his actions as you've described them indicate that he never wanted you to move here, and that he didn't want to be in a serious relationship with you. You should have listened to him.

Let him be and get on with your own life, whether that's here, or at home. And when you find the next guy, make sure he's as into things as you are before you turn your life upside down to be with him.

OneOfThem

This is going to be a bit blunt, but it probably has to be. This guy isn't in love with you, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, he doesn't want to marry you and he doesn't want to start a family with you. He has been trying to break up with you for a long time. You just keep refusing to listen to him. The 'relationship' is entirely in one direction. You want it, and you want him. But he doesn't want a relationship with you. He keeps telling you this. You can't force someone to be in a relationship with you. Which it sounds like you've been trying to do from near the beginning of the time you met him.

There's 3.5 billion men in the world. You could fall in love with many of them. I'm sure plenty of them would love you, and want to be in a relationship with you. This man does not. It's over. You're just torturing yourself at this point and preventing yourself from moving on and meeting anyone else. Let go. There's nothing there.

LegacyUser

Even though your ex boyfriend is no angel, I feel quite sorry for him. He has been telling you over and over, in many different ways, that he wants to break up but you just won't listen.

The rot started way back when you were living in your own country. If you were capable of reading social cues in the way healthy people do, you would've accepted early on that this relationship was a non-runner. It is a bit scary that you interpreted his moving to Ireland as the cue to quit your job and chase after him.

He doesn't sound like he was happy to see you coming. Maybe he felt a bit guilty and that's why he took you in and has tolerated you? Ever since then, he seems to have been trying to get rid of you but you just won't go. It's very hard to dump someone when they are so distraught and have nowhere to go .

I strongly suggest you go back home to where you came from and seek counselling urgently. You sound like a very vulnerable person who struggles to read situations properly and needs some help with that. I would also suggest that you stay single for the foreseeable future in case you find another man who'll make you feel even more miserable.

I get the impression this guy has reached the end of his tether. It would not surprise me if he took steps to get you out of his apartment altogether. You are so hard to get rid of that it may take something drastic to shift you out of there.

LegacyUser

Maybe it will take reading these outside perspectives to make you finally see that this relationship is so over and has been for a long time. No it's not what you want but he doesn't want you. Can I ask how he manipulates you? Does he treat you badly then turn around and say he loves you, keeping you stringing along and confused? Does he show you any affection or love? Is there anything coming from his side that is keeping you there and confusing you?
From what you've written it seems pretty clear he does not like or love you, so I'm just wondering where the manipulation comes in.

Carlos Orange

Whatever chance of the relationship working out longer term (and this is not necessarily possible or a good idea) depends on you moving out. That doesn't mean you have to leave Ireland. You need to give him space and time to decide if he wants to be in a relationship with you. One person can't make a relationship work , there needs to be 2 people in it.

Merkin

I'm sorry OP but you have simply refused to listen to him and have forged ahead when he has explicitly said he doesn't want to be with you. It sounds like he has broken up with you numerous times but you have refused to accept it.

I advise you to pack your bags and return home. A healthy relationship is one where partners communicate well and who love and value one another. There doesn't seem to be one single reason why you should stay together. He has said he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you so you need to respect that and leave him alone. You'll both be so much happier apart.

I'm starting to wonder whether it was the OP's decision to move to Ireland with him as opposed to the guy's? It would explain the fact he didn't want her to live with him for more than a month.

We probably won't hear from them again, but is this the case? Who was the driving force in that decision? Be honest.

I've said it once and I'll say it again; go speak to a professional. You really need it.

dellas1979

Merkin wrote: »

I advise you to pack your bags and return home.

I think she is in the frame of mind that if she hangs around long enough that he'll change his mind. That some miracle will happen. And a grand gesture of love. And then everyone is happy. But we all know, that does not happen.

OP when you are in a tough situation, it is hard to see the reality. You love him, but it seems he does not have that feeling to you. Does it hurt? Of course it does! But what you are doing right now is prolonging the agony for yourself.

Why dont you want to give yourself a chance to meet someone else?

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm starting to wonder whether it was the OP's decision to move to Ireland with him as opposed to the guy's? It would explain the fact he didn't want her to live with him for more than a month.

I've believed from the start that it was the OP's decision alone to move. Seeing as she has trouble taking on board what he's saying to her, anything other than a very blunt No will have been interpreted as encouragement. He didn't say Yes but he didn't say No either. I wonder is the guy being horrible to her in the hope that she'll go away. She's like a visitor who calls over to visit friends one evening and can't see that it's time to go home. Even though the friends have locked the doors, plugged out the TV, turned off the lights, changed into their pyjamas, brushed their teeth etc.

OP is there anyone at home you can call or Skype today? If you're able to, tell them some of what's happening. Maybe someone will be able to help you from there and get you home. I'm sorry you are so distraught but this isn't a relationship that has any future. It is obvious to every single person on this thread that this guy does not like you, let alone love you. It takes two people to make a relationship work. You can't coerce him into changing his mind, no matter how much cleaning/crying/pleading/money you give him.

XVII

nodiggity wrote: »

Maybe he felt a bit guilty and that's why he took you in and has tolerated you?

not even guilty, but he probably felt sorry for her, like I'm sure, most of us, would have felt.
some people need to be told to **** off plain and simply, as they may misinterpret anything nice.
but the road to hell paved with good intentions, as they say.

LegacyUser

hi, this is me again. So we clarified everything, he told me that he did not want to break up, but that he wanted that I go home for a while and he finds a better place to stay somewehere else, and that I later go back to him. I did not agree with him, and this was the reason why he got angry etc. he was already down because of various reasons. We agreed we will try to talk more like friends to improve our communication skills and to analyze ourselve more. We both had difficult childhoods and it can be the reason we are engaging into toxic stuff. We agreed I will give him more freedom relating to free time, and he agreed to talk with me honestly.

I have seen a lot of negative comments about me, which surpirised me. He wanted this relationship and at the beginning I did not want to mee him and I explained him why and he was insisting. Each time he wanted to meet me. I am surprised that all people are so negative here, I have my place to go and I told him I can go there and he wanted that I stay.

Maybe I was describing all things in a very negative light. I just wan to settle down with him and he told he needs time as he is afraid of this step - I agreed to support him etc.

So all in all, it finsihed good and I told him that I hope this is a last time we went through this.

I can go home any time but if we put much effort to be togther, I will not give up just like that, cause I know him very well, he gives up quickly when thingss go wrong and he needs some support.

The flat is rented by him, if he wants he can terminate it and each of us goes separate way. He has freedom of choice. In two last days we were talking a lot and he told this was the best time for him. Also we spent some time just having fun. He tells he loves me. I will not let go so easily somebody who is depressed if he loves me.

This is what he told and he takes care of me. The only thing wwwe have to work on is those breakdowns. Maybe we seek somobody to consullt. However, thank you for advice as some critical opinions are necessary. Also, it never come to me across that I may be manipulative. This is true if I want something I will try my best to get it, but I do not want to be manipulative. Other people have freedom of choice.

LegacyUser

he told he was mean to me as he did not feel loved by me - so it seems it can be my fault here. I was too much focused on myself.

Also, we have different habits taken from home, which took us much time to adjust to.

somebody told me how he forced me to come, he told that either I come and we are together or we must be separate. So I decided to come. However, I was also curious about living abroad. I was idealizing it a bit. The grass is always greener on the other side. I do not complain nonetheles. it ok as long as I can communicate with him.

LegacyUser

XVII wrote: »

not even guilty, but he probably felt sorry for her, like I'm sure, most of us, would have felt.
some people need to be told to **** off plain and simply, as they may misinterpret anything nice.
but the road to hell paved with good intentions, as they say.

well - if somebody tells me I love you, spend good time with me, spends nice holiday with me more than once, and generally does everything what a boyfriend would do - hmmm it seems like a far from "***** off" plain and simply.

you see this is why his behaviour was confusing. And I know why he admitted to some issues. Why he told I can stay one month - he told he never lived wit a woman before and found it difficult but later so it is ok and in fact when I wnated to move out, stopped me.

so ok. I do not write here any more. I got some feedback and that is all I needed :-)

Before this gets closed; please take our advice into account. Go speak to a professional and deal with the issues that you currently have, and consider moving back home where you feel safe, secure, and comfortable, because it seems like you don't have these here.

Best of luck, OP!

Merkin

Closing thread as per further update from OP.

I really think you should have a read again over the good advice given to you in the thread OP.