Delayed break up issues

LegacyUser

Hi guys,
Another break up thread here, how original!

Anyways, my story. The GF broke up with me two months ago after almost two years. Knew it had been steadily going south for 4-6 weeks, the last two weeks in particular. Still, it was a shock to the system and tough to swallow. Said we were too different and we did not have a future - simple as that. Better to pull the plug now than let it meander for a couple more years.

Rang her after a few days asking her to talk and got a kind but firm no. The two weeks after were pretty hard. Consciously avoided drink ( not that I am a big drinker but went out of my way to avoid it) and got up early for exercise before work, ate healthy, downloaded Tinder etc. Got chatting to one girl in particular went on a handful of dates but it petered out, just didn't feel anything. I guess I used her to take my mind off the ex, and it worked to a large extent. I was pretty much ok with it all until a few days ago.

About three weeks ago I was digging around looking for something in my bedroom and found a pile of her stuff hidden under my bed. I thought about binning it but dropped her a text and she said she would drop by in a few weeks to collect it. I guess I started thinking of her a bit more after that, then on Monday she said she would drop in yesterday to collect it. Dropped in and we chatted for about 30 minutes, I swallowed my pride and asked if she regretted the break up. I got a irritated flat no, almost hostile.

Since then I have been in a bad way, just mixed up in my head. It was my first serious relationship and it was not without its faults. While I never even came close to cheating on her I guess I never was emotionally invested in the relationship and that probably became apparent to her. We had massively different world views. Very different tastes in music, TV and even pastimes. The biggest issue was that while I found her very easy to spend time with I ultimately did not find her sexually attractive, despite the fact she did find me attractive. I won't go into the details but there was very little "spark" to the sex side of things from my side. I would often find my eyes wandering through out the day at other, more physically attractive girls.

All that said we did get on very well nonetheless. She was a remarkable woman in many ways, she was just a "good" person to her very core. Kind, sensitive, a true lady in every sense. A very rare type of person in my experience. That is the crux of the issue in my head, I am actually feeling really uneasy writing this. I am pretty certain that we are better off breaking up given the lack of sexual attraction but there is a part of me that makes me feel a deep sense of regret and shame at what happened (what I let happen to large extent). I feel ill at the thought that I will never find a women like her again. I just keep replaying the small things I did wrong, the times I stayed at work late just to finish something stupid. The times I did not put her number one. Not that I ever massively mistreated her, I just didn't prioritise her like I should have. I just feel awful and find it very hard to get my head around what happened. I had hoped after two months this would all be a distant memory but I am back to zero appetite for food or sleep again. Can anyone help me get my head straight?

LegacyUser

She did you both a massive favour ending it. How horrible that you never even fancied her. She would of picked up on that and I don't doubt it would have eroded her confidence and self esteem. You were essentially killing time with her, she was never a priority, and eyeing up what you thought were better looking women all the time. If it was like this from the start it would never have changed! You should be regretting staying so long with her when you weren't attracted to her and wasting her time, not ruminating over little things you think you should of done different.
You are just over thinking the whole thing because she was the one to end it not you, you have more time on your hands now and feel guilty because she did nothing wrong during the relationship. It was your first relationship, learn from it, don't go out with someone unless you are very attracted to them and leave your ex alone.

LegacyUser

Yes, you are right. I was on an overseas contract for six months in the middle of the relationship so I guess that prolonged it somewhat. I was a bastard, will just have to learn from my mistakes.

LegacyUser

Yes, you are right. I was on an overseas contract for six months in the middle of the relationship so I guess that prolonged it somewhat. I was a bastard, will just have to learn from my mistakes.

lazybones32

Maybe write down some lessons you've learned from this chapter? Keep it for your own edification.

LegacyUser

I know there is more than sexual attraction in a relationship but I find what you wrote very hard to read. If I was with someone that wasn't attracted to me I would prefer them to let me go to find someone who did.
In regards to the actual break up, time really does heal most wounds. You may fondly think back on what you had but it will become less over time. When I think back to my first real relationship (which destroyed me at the time) it's almost like it never happened and I never feel any urge to go there again.

orthsquel

Hmm yes the guilt is talking.... but you don't have an outlet in her to alleviate the guilt you feel. You can't apologise to her even if you are regretful of the way you treated her because well, she doesn't owe you the time of day to hear it or an acceptance of an apology just to make you feel better tbh.

You need to work through the guilt and move on. Perhaps you should ask yourself why you ended up in a relationship with someone you didn't really have an interest in, and ensure that you don't repeat the same mistake again.

Don't beat yourself up too much over it though, perhaps you should talk with someone, a friend, family member, counsellor even if you are being consumed with guilt over what happened. While what happened wasn't particularly nice, it is also not a justification for wallowing in guilt that it effects you negatively, and risks impacting your general well being and mental health.

LegacyUser

Yes, to be honest I didn't even recognise it as guilt until this evening when the first reply went up. I couldn't reconcile the fact that I knew deep down I did not want to be back with her with the awful feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about the relationship as a whole. I just keep thinking maybe I could fix it.

There were some great times but there was a point after a few dates when I should have just walked away -- I didn't and I can never change that. Not that I regret the entire relationship but perhaps it was a complete mistake. I just can't seem to square the circle in my head without making an admission that I am basically a bad person - pretty hard to admit to at the best of times.

I don't think offering an apology is an option, I doubt we will ever be meeting again going forward. Also while there are probably suspicions on her behalf, I don't think a conversation that would crystallise this suspicions will bring anything other than grief and pain to both her and me.

Jasper_

This is an ego thing op. When someone breaks it off with you it invariably bruises the ego. This was a girl you where essentially just going through the motions with.

I can relate to a lot of the things in your post. I've been there. Absolutely lovely girl, not much sexual chemistry or spark, I let it continue on as it seemed grand for the time being. Like you said, I in no way treated her badly, but I certainly did not treat her like a bf should. She broke up with me out of the blue and I was devastated. Not only was my ego massively bruised but I eventually started to feel guilty as it all started to come so clear as to why she ended it.

That experience was one, if not the greatest learning experiences of my life. It taught me to know when to let go in future relationships and emphasized what I truly place value on.

Learn from this, forgive yourself and move on.

CaraMay

Op you don't know why she ended. Maybe it's because there was no chemistry at her end too but she had decided to give it a go.

It's time to move on.

OneOfThem

Mexico36 wrote: »

There were some great times but there was a point after a few dates when I should have just walked away -- I didn't and I can never change that. Not that I regret the entire relationship but perhaps it was a complete mistake. I just can't seem to square the circle in my head without making an admission that I am basically a bad person - pretty hard to admit to at the best of times.

I think you're being too hard on yourself and beating yourself up needlessly. You don't sound like a bad person, or like you did anything particularly bad. You gave a relationship with someone you liked a shot, but ultimately it wasn't for you, or her. So it ended. It happens. That doesn't make you bad. Just learn from it, and move on.