What to do

LegacyUser

Hi, so I met this Welsh girl a few months back(I'm 28 and she's 30), she actually lives in Miami and was over here for work for a couple of weeks back in May. Met her in a bar and we hit it off straight away and spent as much time as possible with each other while she was here. She was actually married but going through divorce proceedings back in the States. So despite hitting it off, by the time she was leaving we were both in agreement that we'd just cut it off there, no point staying in contact when we're living so far apart. We we're both just happy to have met and had a fun time together.

Anyway got a call from her Saturday telling me that she was pregnant and that it was mine(she said she was on the pill when here). Was literally speechless and didn't know what to say so told her I'd Skype her later when I processed it. She said she was definitely keeping it and had since got back with her ex before she ever knew about the pregnancy. Said she just felt she needed to let me know, and that any contact with the child was up to me, but she was not planning on leaving Miami.

Kinda leaves me in an impossible position, I'm sort of old fashioned in my way and feel I really should be there for the child, would love to just be able to brush it aside and let them get on with bringing it up without me but painful to think about. Even if I wanted to be there the visa situation is very difficult to sort and its just a gigantic upheaval to my life. Which leaves the option of visiting on holidays a few times a year which again isn't ideal and not sure if so little contact is better than no contact. Have told her I can at least provide for it financially but she said she doesn't want/need the money and that wasn't her motive for letting me know.

The only solace is that from what I know of her she seems a wonderfully caring and generous person so I know my child will be brought up in a loving environment. But still unsure as to what to do, any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

zeffabelli

Tedb3 wrote: »

Hi, so I met this Welsh girl a few months back(I'm 28 and she's 30), she actually lives in Miami and was over here for work for a couple of weeks back in May. Met her in a bar and we hit it off straight away and spent as much time as possible with each other while she was here. She was actually married but going through divorce proceedings back in the States. So despite hitting it off, by the time she was leaving we were both in agreement that we'd just cut it off there, no point staying in contact when we're living so far apart. We we're both just happy to have met and had a fun time together.

Anyway got a call from her Saturday telling me that she was pregnant and that it was mine(she said she was on the pill when here). Was literally speechless and didn't know what to say so told her I'd Skype her later when I processed it. She said she was definitely keeping it and had since got back with her ex before she ever knew about the pregnancy. Said she just felt she needed to let me know, and that any contact with the child was up to me, but she was not planning on leaving Miami.

Kinda leaves me in an impossible position, I'm sort of old fashioned in my way and feel I really should be there for the child, would love to just be able to brush it aside and let them get on with bringing it up without me but painful to think about. Even if I wanted to be there the visa situation is very difficult to sort and its just a gigantic upheaval to my life. Which leaves the option of visiting on holidays a few times a year which again isn't ideal and not sure if so little contact is better than no contact. Have told her I can at least provide for it financially but she said she doesn't want/need the money and that wasn't her motive for letting me know.

The only solace is that from what I know of her she seems a wonderfully caring and generous person so I know my child will be brought up in a loving environment. But still unsure as to what to do, any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

Did the divorce go through?

If not, the child will legally be his.

There are putative fathers registries in the US, you can register with that if you think you want to acknowledge the child.

You have time to decide so make no permanent decisions right now.

DoYouEvenLift

Do you know if she's told her husband if she's pregnant yet and if so has she told him it's not his? I'd think that would also effect you because, like above...

LegacyUser

Not sure if the divorce went through or not , assume no. And yeah he knows about the pregnancy. Apparently they originally broke up because she said she fell out of love with him, they we're together since 16 so not sure what caused the u-turn but apparently he's committed to sticking by her through it.

Meauldsegosha

I'd find out (a) if she is definitely pregnant and (b) if it is yours before you make any decisions or commitments.

LegacyUser

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

I'd find out (a) if she is definitely pregnant and (b) if it is yours before you make any decisions or commitments.

I mean I probably will at some stage need confirmation but while i only knew her briefly I'd believe her like 99.99% to be honest, she was very normal and sensible.

The advice I'm more looking for here is that is this something that I should want to fight for? Has anyone ever been a long distance parent? Is there any fulfilment in seeing them potentially very seldomly? Or am I being selfish in that respect and shouldn't put my own feelings over the child's needs?

iusedtoknow

Tedb3 wrote: »

I mean I probably will at some stage need confirmation but while i only knew her briefly I'd believe her like 99.99% to be honest, she was very normal and sensible.

The advice I'm more looking for here is that is this something that I should want to fight for? Has anyone ever been a long distance parent? Is there any fulfilment in seeing them potentially very seldomly? Or am I being selfish in that respect and shouldn't put my own feelings over the child's needs?

From long distance, you aren't going to be a father. You will be someone that comes in and out of his life and disrupts it. Sad to say, but this isn't like living in the same town or county. If the woman is willing to take responsibility for the child, you are best to leave it to her.

The most you could do is make sure you keep the lines of communication open with the mother (i.e. let her know when you change phone numbers/addresses etc) and ensure that you are open to contact in the future when the child is old enough if he wants to know you.

Witchie

I think that any effort you would make to be in your child's life would be important. If you want to be part of your childs life you are lucky to be in a time where it is that bit easier. Flights are cheaper, skype/hangouts/facetime etc will all allow you to speak with your child with video as they grow older and I would be suggesting that you do that once a week so that the child knows you and knows they can talk to you. Then spend as much time as you can over there with your baby to bond too.

As the child grows up they will understand that they have 2 daddies and one of them lives far away but still loves them very much and wants to be part of their life. A child needs the security of knowing they are loved. In years to come if you don't do this, they will learn that who they thought was their dad was not their biological father and will be hurt that their "real" dad didn't bother with them and didn't care.

Keeping the lines of communication open with your child will always make them feel that they have you in their lives even if you are not physically there.

Good luck op.