Married but involved with another lady

LegacyUser

Hi,

I don't know what I'm looking for here... I'm a 46 year old married guy with 3 young kids. My wife and I have been together for 18 years, married for 12. I'll get straight to it- for the past 4 or so months I've been having an affair with a devastatingly beautiful work colleague. She is 27. I never imagined I'd involve myself with another woman... I never imagined myself in a situation like this. I do feel immense guilt. My wife.. this isn't her fault... she hasn't given me a reason to stray... she's still the same amazing person, there hasn't been any personality change. Nothing.


I can't explain it, but the moment I laid eyes on my work colleague, I knew something was going to happen between us.

I love my wife but I am also in live with my lover, I cannot give her up...

Please advise,

Thank you

StripedBoxers

Leave your wife, she deserves better treatment than that.

If you don't want to leave your wife, tell her about your affair, and let her decide whether or not she wants to work on and repair your marriage, but you say you can't give up your lover, so be prepared for your wife to tell you to sling your hook.

Your behaviour is disgusting and nothing short of it.

beyondbelief67

This happened to me and broke my heart, I heard all the it wasn't meant to happen excuses.
It was going on for 18 months before I knew, and totally wrecked all my trust.
Even now I still find it hard to trust people, I look for the smallest signs that they are deceiving me.
The one thing I couldn't understand was how if he wanted to play around why he couldn't simply just tell me first, so we both could be happy and find someone to love as we deserved so please tell her.

Penny Tration

You love your wife, but won't leave the other woman?


Leave your wife and break up your family, so. If you refuse to leave your mistress, that's your only other option.

You very easily could leave your mistress, but you're choosing not to. You cannot have them both.

Your wife deserves the truth so she can go get herself tested for STIs and decide what she wants to do.

Stop treating your wife with so little respect. Tell her the truth, give her the opportunity to choose what she wants.

Why are you cheating on her? If there isn't a reason for you to stray, then why would you do it?

Here are your options -

1: Stay with your wife, but stop seeing your mistress.
2: Leave your wife and go with your mistress.

Here's the truth though- realistically, is there not a chance that your mistress and you won't have a stable relationship? Has it not been statistically shown that relationships born out of affairs don't last very long.

ihavenoname3

If I was you I wouldn't leave my wife, who sounds like a perfect wife, no 27 year old is gonna stay with someone your age in the long run. end it with the 27 year old and go back to your old life and be grateful for it.

Cee-Jay-Cee

I'd finish with the work colleague now before you ruin your marriage and hurt your wife and children. Your lover won't hang around for too long and it's just a fling to her, she has nothing to lose, you have everything to lose.

Think of your children, think how hurt they'd be and then cop yourself on and quit acting like a stupid teenager.

ABajaninCork

There is always a reason why people stray. You need to man up and have a good hard look at yourself and your marriage and ask yourself why.

Have you thought what will happen when (not if) you get caught? Because something like this cannot be kept secret for ever. You'll get more and more indiscreet, and then - BANG!! Eventually you WILL be found out. In fact, I'd lay money your good wife has already smelt a rat...

How will your wife react? Is she going to kick you to the kerb, or is there a chance this marriage can be saved?

Is the stunningly beautiful lady going to hang around, once the **** hits the fan? I seriously doubt it.

I'd suggest counselling. You need to learn you can't have your cake, eat it and make trifle from it too!! Something has to give. And if you decide your marriage is over? Do yourselves a favour and break the bad news to your family as quickly and as cleanly as possible.

CaraMay

As beyondbelief said, the betrayal is a total mindf:ck for your wife which she will drag into anh new relationship she has. She will doubt her judgement of men and it will haunt her for years to come.

You can't have both. I think you should leave your wife and let her meet someone nice. Then you can live with your mistress in peace.

Addle

I don't think I've ever known of a fling that has 'gone the distance'.
I have known marriages to survive an affair.
It's your choice now OP. You can end the affair and give your family your all, or you can sacrifice your marriage for the, possibly temporary, thrill of the fling.
It's exceptionally doubtful that you can have both. This isn't France.

I also would be interested in knowing exactly that the OP wants to achieve from this - are they going to listen to the advice they receive, which would be to leave the mistress and focus on your marriage (especially if she is as great as you say) or are they going to ignore this completely and keep going?

Tell us, OP. What do you want out of this?

PippaChic

OP, you know what you're doing isn't right, but your hormones are taking over your brain.

You sound like you have a super wife.

Please think of your children. They are so lucky to have loving parents, but splitting up will turn their lives upside down. They don't deserve this.

athtrasna

OP You quite simply can't have your cake and eat it. I'm typically more liberal than many posters on here but there are more than three people in your situation, there are also your children. Time to get your priorities right

BrowmThomas

Tell your wife and let her move on a find a real man who she deserves.
People like you really sicken me.

LegacyUser

Op, really, you should know how this ends.It's cliched for a reason.You love this girl now because it's all secret and hidden, but if you were cleaning the house, paying the bills and emptying the dishwasher with her everyday it would likely be a different story.You have three kids.She's 27.She's not going to hang around and wait for you.

End the relationship, tell your wife and deal with the fallout.If you can live with the guilt of not telling her, thats your call, but end the relationship.You know it's not right and the fallout will be horrendous when it's found out.And it will be found out.

As a side note, I always wonder about people who do this stuff.First up you've to deal with what you do to your relationship and your kids...but there's also your parents, your siblings, your in-laws and all those other people who you will hurt too.

alias06

End it with the mistress. End it completely. Go back to you wife and don't ever do this again. That's the best advice you can get.

If you keep going with this other women you could end up divorced, alone, broke, living in some bedsit and only getting to visit your kids at weekends. Cop on for everyone's sake.

gaiscioch

This is so sad for no other reason than life is very short, and this is no way to treat somebody whom you have promised to be true to, and who has promised to be true to you. I don't mean any romanticised idea here - I simply mean the breach of trust between two people who have shared something unique with each other in this short, and scary, world into which we are all born. That. When she finds out what has happened this will result in a deeply lonely world for your wife. All her dreams will be shattered. It's a terrifyingly lonely place when one loses that security of married life.

I fully understand relationships fail, and that people make mistakes. But keeping as much honour as possible is essential. A good start to regaining some honour out of this is to be completely honest with your wife. Clear the air. Most of all, it will allow your wife to face up to the ineffably depressing reality. I hope she has plenty of supports.

It is an honour thing, and in the twilight years of one's life, we will all have plenty of time to think about how honourably we have acted towards everybody, especially those who have made themselves vulnerable to us and given us their love. To be able to look back and say "I behaved honourably there" is a comfort of huge value at any age.

CaraMay

That's the best point made so far - you are treating your wife, the woman you live with and the mother of your kids, very dishonourably. That's not cool

Colser

pleaseadvise22 wrote: »

Hi,

I don't know what I'm looking for here... I'm a 46 year old married guy with 3 young kids. My wife and I have been together for 18 years, married for 12. I'll get straight to it- for the past 4 or so months I've been having an affair with a devastatingly beautiful work colleague. She is 27. I never imagined I'd involve myself with another woman... I never imagined myself in a situation like this. I do feel immense guilt. My wife.. this isn't her fault... she hasn't given me a reason to stray... she's still the same amazing person, there hasn't been any personality change. Nothing.


I can't explain it, but the moment I laid eyes on my work colleague, I knew something was going to happen between us.

I love my wife but I am also in live with my lover, I cannot give her up...

Please advise,

Thank you

All lies imo..If you loved your wife you wouldnt be cheating on her,I would say you are in lust rather than love with your bit on the side and of course you could give her up but you dont want to...
What advise are you looking for exactly? Youre a 46 yr old married father of 3 what do you think you should do? My only concern is for your wife and what this will do to her when she finds out...if you love her at all then tell her and dont let her find out some other way as this adds to the hurt of being cheated on..Im sure this sounds very blunt but what advise can anyone give you,the damage is done imo and you have to live with it regardless of which woman you opt for..

orthsquel

Have you told anyone else yet? Or does any one else suspect? I think in posting you are probably hoping to unload some of the guilt you feel. The only real way you are going to deal with the guilt is frankly, to wake up to the reality of the situation and tell your wife that you are having an affair. It will be a huge weight off you to not be hiding it anymore, and while it is not going to undo your infidelity, at least you are facing up to the situation.

pleaseadvise22 wrote: »

I can't explain it, but the moment I laid eyes on my work colleague, I knew something was going to happen between us.

If you knew/sensed that, then really you ought to have done more to be upfront and honest with yourself to your actual reality, that you are a married man with 3 young children, that is the life you choose. You should have done everything really to prevent an affair happening.

pleaseadvise22 wrote: »

I love my wife but I am also in live with my lover, I cannot give her up...

How long do you know this girl? How do you know you are "in love"? Lust perhaps, but love? You've known her a wet weekend in comparison to the length of time you have known your wife; 4 months into an affair, I would doubt it is love that you are feeling and experiencing... perhaps something related to the ego boost when facing 50...

You have 4 options:
1 - do nothing, continue playing happy families and having an affair. Bear in mind that while you do nothing and continue with both, you are lying to your wife and children. You might also find yourself lying to your lover, leading her on that you'll "someday" end things with the wife. At some point you will get caught. Or your lover might want more, call up your wife, tell her about the affair, so that you are "freed up" for an actual relationship. You might find yourself in a web of lies to both sides. Meanwhile running the risk of getting the young woman pregnant, or giving your wife an STI.
2 - End the affair and tell your wife about the affair. She will then get to decide what happens next.
3 - Tell your wife about the affair and end the marriage, but continue having a relationship with the 27 year old.
4 - End the marriage and end the affair.

I think really, the best thing is tell your wife about the affair. She should also be made aware from you that you want to continue having a relationship with this young woman and that you are in love with that woman. She should be told this so that she can decide what is best for herself and her children, and whether the marriage is worth saving at all. If you love this young woman, in my view, in your wife's shoes, knowing that will have a huge impact on whether or not I would go through the process of saving the marriage or not. You need to be very, very straight and honest with your wife that you love this other woman.

You won't be able to have both the wife and the lover. The only way to do that is be absolutely dishonourable to everyone else involved. You have to remember, it's not just you, your wife and your lover, there's 3 kids involved in this too, and effectively cheating on your wife with the lover is taking any time that you could give your children away from them.... daddy is "working late" so he can't teach me to ride a bicycle but actually daddy was too busy having sex with his new lover, who is more important to him. Replace bicycle with any activity and time you could be giving to your children. Effectively by choosing to spend time with your lover you are choosing to not spend time with your children, not just your wife.

whatdoicare

OP you are a 46 year old man, do you really think a 27 year old is going to stay with you? Let's have a look at the reality of what you're offering her.

Unless you have wads of cash, you have absolutely nothing to offer her. In a few years she's maybe going to want to get married and have kids and a house to put the kids in - you can't give her those things. You're a married man with commitments. When she hits 30 she's going to be assessing her life and I can guarantee that you won't be featuring in it.

You can't marry her until you divorce (is it seven years that takes? who's going to wait around until they're 34 to get married if they don't have to??) you'll have to be paying for your ex-wife and kids so you'll be broke financially and she'll get frustrated by that.

You'll be sharing the kids, so you know, you can't be available all the time, you'll need to still be available for weekends and holidays and stuff like that. So she might want an adult holiday but you can't do that and your precious holiday time off work will have to be spent with them on a kid friendly holiday - also, maybe your ex wife won't be cool with you bringing your new girl on holidays with her kids. Most likely your girlfriend wont be cool with it either.

Christmas will NOT be about her, as you'll need to be with your kids. You may have to spend time near your ex wife that day too- so now you have a girlfriend jealous that she got like christmas morning with you and now she's on her own while you are with your family.

The novelty of baby sitting your kids every second weekend will get real old, real fast. Unless you insist she not be there, so being on her own every second weekend is going to get old.

If you do have the money to buy another house, there'll have to be extra rooms for your kids - now she's sharing her house with your family. There's less room for her family. If you can only buy a small house or flat - well, now her house is taken over by your kids and there's barely any room for her future kids - what if she wants more than one kid, what if she wants three or four kids?? You can't support that! What if she doesn't want any kids - and is unwilling to share you with the kids you already have? What if she doesn't want them staying over or being in the house with you?

Don't forget - your kids will now have to deal with maybe your new kids and family - I'm sure that will go totally smooth and noone will be jealous or fighting for your time and money - nope. What if your new GF is hostile towards them or them to her?

Once the reality that even once you leave your wife she'll still have to share you with another woman and your kids kicks in, I seriously doubt she'll be sticking around. Who wants to be the other woman for ever more? She'll always be the other woman. The woman who destroyed a family. Your family and friends will remind her of this all the time and maybe not in a subtle way.

You'll get a max two years out of that relationship before you are kicked to the kerb and you can look at the pieces of your destroyed life and your mistress goes onto her next chapter totally unaffected, because she has no commitments here in this threesome, she's the only one who's not going to get hurt here.

If I was you, I'd have a good hard look at what the reality of carrying on with this is going to be versus the lovey dovey sexy thing you're living now. Have a good hard look at your family and ask yourself how do you see your family two years from now, five years from now, ten years from now?

Like someone said, you can't have your cake and eat it - you are going to hurt your family, maybe you can salvage it now by ending this fling or maybe you are going to completely destroy it beyond repair by taking it to the next stage. Your decision to make but don't let what's in your pants make the decision, make sure it's the stuff in your head doing the thinking.

CaraMay

On top of it all, your wife needs to be tested for Sti's given you have been sleeping with someone else. You don't know if you've passed her something nasty so it's time to fess up and allow her get her physical health checked.

Ann84

OP, I have to say your post makes for very depressing reading... I am lying here beside my fiancé and now find myself wondering is there a bloody point in getting married at all!
I am committing to him as a partner, foregoing all other opportunities to meet other people and build a life with him (that's the plan anyway)
You I assume did the same, so at what point did you literally stop giving a s**t about your wife, the woman you live with?
There is no way you care one bit for her, you have put your happiness over hers, your actions will do so much damage to her... Its such a cliche, bored husband runs off with the younger model... Have you put even 1 seconds thought into how that will make her feel? She's spent her 20s and 30s committed to you and now she's a bit older you ditch her for a 27 year old... Nice!
It's not that your cheating, it's that you just don't seem to care even bit about your wife and the consequences your actions will have in her... I hope to God I'm not making the same mistake but that's it- you have to trust your partner is looking out for you as you do them...
Really depressing.
You seem so self obsessed, it's all about YOUR wants, YOUR needs... You knew you were going to cheat before it happened and you still didn't end your marriage... It's just so cold!
Advice, tell your GF to take a break for a while.
Speak to your wife, end the marriage, move out - do not mention your infidelity (she doesn't need to be part of your sad cliche - she doesn't deserve to be the replaced used up ex wife).
You go set up house with your GF or whatever number of GF you choose to have and mind your kids so your ex wife has the same chance of meeting someone and being happy as you have!
Currently she's unaware that her marriage is over, your wasting HER time, cheat fine - that's on you... Leaving her sitting at home like a fool while your out being happy - that's selfish...

Sound Bite

I would hate to be one of those 3 children who will grow up knowing that daddy cared more about a shag with some young tart than them and their mother.

They will find out eventually. You must be so proud of yourself!

There is no way a 27 year old is going to hang around to be with a divorced, broke, 46 year old father of 3 with a mid life crisis.

You in complete denial and lying to everyone including yourself.

hytrogen

Take a lads weekend away, talk to your best two mates. No wifes no mistresses. Have the talk over a bbq & beers.
You'll see kids are priority & the secure structure you've built with your wife is more reassuring than a new upgrade with someone who wants exactly what you have already!
Then go in on Monday morning & ask the boss you want to change departments / desks & get some distance from her. Tell her it's been fun, thank her but priorities are priorities & family are number 1.

hytrogen

ALWAYS seek your best mates advice and not a public forums!

zeffabelli

Your 46, she's 27.

Buy a Ferrari.

This is mid life crisis bull****. It will pass.

Rubberchikken

if you really love both of these women and your children, you'll stop for a minute and think seriously about what you're doing.
tbh it's going to end badly and end it will.
your wife is either going to guess, if she hasn't already, or your gf is going to want more from you.

in the middle of all this are 3 kids who, imo, don't deserve it.

bp

I agree with all of the above....and think what will happen when she trades you for a younger model. I would also question what kind of person goes after someone who is married with children?? You should have said no and not pretend it was destined to happen.

When your wife finds out your mistress will not want to set up shop with you and your three children in a crappy flat because your wife will have the family home until the youngest is 18. So you will be paying off your mortgage and renting a second home.

vertmann

You're living in the now where you've got your cake and are eating it. You've got your wife and children at home and your mistress to mess around with. This current arrangement is not going to last indefinitely so take your head out of the sand. Something's going to happen that changes everything. If you don't take ownership of the situation yourself, things are going to take on a life of their own.

Everyone has mentioned the disastrous consequences of your marriage ending so I'm not going to go over the same ground again. The angle I want to add is the work one. What on earth were you thinking of by getting involved with a work colleague? Bad and all as cheating is, getting your honey where you make your money is a bad bad idea. If your affair becomes public knowledge or if it ends badly, have you got a Plan B career wise? You might end up needing to leave your job. Are there many opportunities out there for 46 year old men? Especially if you're in a field where you're going to be competing against 25-30 year olds with better qualifications than you do. Do reputations matter in your field? Ireland's a small place so word's going to get out that you cheated on your wife with a young one out of your office.

LegacyUser

I love my husband and my children, unconditionally, infact my happiness depends on theirs. If they are unhappy then so am I, if they are happy then I am too. If I were to cause them grief and pain just so I could have a little selfish pleasure I would be sickened with myself and wonder why I was of such weak character. You need to take a good hard look at yourself and try to figure out where you became so self-centred. There is zero "love" for anyone in your post, except for yourself. Walk away from your weakness, accept your flaws and get rid of them, before you're left a lonely unloved individual.

Neyite

A while back OP, we had a bloke who's bit on the side just announced her pregnancy - actually in fact we had two married blokes in the last year who had the same thread topic.

Both of them were freaking out. Desperate to put the genie back in the bottle. Desperate to keep their dirty secret a dirty secret. Despite the advice, I'm pretty sure they are still sticking their heads in the sand, hoping that it will never come out. It might not come out right away, but 17 years down the like, if the wife hasn't already found out, it will when there is a teen looking for their bio dad.

Just as a mental exercise OP, imagine for tonight that your other woman texts you that she's pregnant. Oh, and she is adamant that she wants to keep and raise the baby. Have a good long think about the fall out from a situation like that. Fallout that affects your wife. Your kids. Your in-laws and your own family. Your job. The other woman and an innocent child. Think it through and then decide if she is worth the risk.

Sunflower 27

If you truly loved your wife, you would not be doing this behind her back. You just added that in so you don't look like such a bad guy.

You are a bad guy; you are a liar and a cheat.

Make a decision and stop treating the woman you have spent your life with and who raised your children with such disrespect.

StudentDad

OP I don't know if you've realised this yet but despite what your lover may be saying to you about discretion etc, you have effectively placed the control of your life into the hands of someone else.

This woman is having fun at your expense. You are 46, married with kids. She's 27 and having a good time. She can I imagine, at any time smash the foundation of your life, with very few consequences for her own life.

All it takes is a phone call from her and bang! Out go the lights.

SD

vertmann

StudentDad wrote: »

This woman is having fun at your expense. You are 46, married with kids. She's 27 and having a good time. She can I imagine, at any time smash the foundation of your life, with very few consequences for her own life.

Exactly! She's not going to want to be someone's bit on the side forever. It's a novelty for her at the moment but she's going to tire of the current arrangement. While her friends are going for meals and holidays away with their partners, she'll be sneaking around hoping nobody sees you. She'll not be able to bring you along to a friend's wedding as her +1, just go out for a nice walk in the park or an outing for the day or introduce you to her friends. Unless you like dicing with danger that is.

If you're lucky she'll just call it a day and end things on a relatively amicable note. If not, she could turn nasty and try to force the situation with your wife. Or just tell her anyway as some sort of revenge. Stop thinking with your anatomy and use your brain for a change.

hytrogen

vertmann wrote: »

...

Everyone has mentioned the disastrous consequences of your marriage ending so I'm not going to go over the same ground again. The angle I want to add is the work one. What on earth were you thinking of by getting involved with a work colleague? Bad and all as cheating is, getting your honey where you make your money is a bad bad idea. If your affair becomes public knowledge or if it ends badly, have you got a Plan B career wise? You might end up needing to leave your job. Are there many opportunities out there for 46 year old men? Especially if you're in a field where you're going to be competing against 25-30 year olds with better qualifications than you do. Do reputations matter in your field? Ireland's a small place so word's going to get out that you cheated on your wife with a young one out of your office.

"Don't screw your crew, screw someone else's crew"

amytomjerry

A friend's ex husband carried on something similar to you. He too was in his late 40's with 3 kids and he was having an affair behind my friend's back. He claimed he was in love, packed his bags and left his wife and children for his mistress. And guess what, six months later he was back pleading and begging with my friend for forgiveness and to take him back. His younger mistress got tired of his obligations to his children and lost interest very quickly. Today, my friend is very happy after the most distressing time of her life. She has met someone new and her children are happy. But her ex husband lives alone, shattered by all he has lost through his own doing.

Eeden

pleaseadvise22 wrote: »

Hi, ...the moment I laid eyes on my work colleague, I knew something was going to happen between us.

I love my wife but I am also in live with my lover, I cannot give her up...

It's as simple as this. You've already made your choice. You made it when you "knew something was going to happen between us".

You don't love your wife if you say that you cannot give up your lover. You can't love someone and treat them with such obvious discrespect.

littlemisshobo

This is mad. Why would you post this? Its not like you dont know how wrong this is or that anyonw will say wow cool good luck with the lover....


but if you are reading the replies then for what its worth --- stop. This will ruin your marriage and while your wife may take years to move on/get over the betrayel, you could seriously hurt your children... in fact they will probably hate you, possibly want nothing to do with you when they are older. You seem quite selfish so yeah the stress could cause you untold problems and bleed into other parts of your life.

leave now, be honest & give your wife the respect she surely deserves.

also, curious about what are reasons someone gives you to stray?!!!

Toots

StudentDad wrote: »

OP I don't know if you've realised this yet but despite what your lover may be saying to you about discretion etc, you have effectively placed the control of your life into the hands of someone else

All it takes is a phone call from her and bang! Out go the lights.

SD

This +1000. You're in a really precarious position here, pretty much on a precipice. The situation as it stands isn't sustainable and it's only a matter of time before your wife finds out. She'll either get suspicious (if she isn't already) and check your phone bills, or you'll be seen out with your mistress by someone you know and they'll tell your wife.

What sort of expectations does your mistress have from your relationship? Have ye discussed it? Is she happy to continue on as ye are or does she think you're going to leave your wife? Have another read of whatdoicare's post. If you leave your wife for this woman you'll be looking at massively reduced access to your kids - Irish courts aren't exactly known for their generosity in access for dads.

Of course there's a good chance that this could happen anyway. It's not unheard of for a mistress to get tired of being strung along by a married man, waiting for him to finally leave his wife, so she gives him a little push and confronts the wife. Even if you end it with your mistress she might take it badly and tell your wife anyway. And if she doesn't you'll still have this sword of Damocles hanging over your head that someday your wife may still find out.

Can you really see a future with your mistress bearing in mind the obstacles that have been outlined in this thread? If I were you I'd end it with your mistress, and tell your wife, and hope to jaysus that she'll give you another chance. She deserves to know the truth about the man she is married to, and be able to make a decision based on that.

LegacyUser

I think there's way too many idealists is this forum. Why should he go back to his wife in any case? There's a good chance he doesn't love her after straying away. Maybe he should do his wife a favour and let her find someone that treats her well. Let's face it she is probably well into her 40s and doesn't need to waste time. Also, after coming from a family that had unhappy parents, I feel a little scarred and just wanted my parents to end it. So maybe don't do it for the kids.

hattoncracker

OP, I'm going to come at this from a different angle.


I've been in similar circumstances, I met a man who was older, same ages, I was 27, he was 46. He was in a relationship, not with the mother of his kids. Nothing happened with us when he was still with his partner because he couldn't do it to her and regardless of whether he would or not I would never be an other woman. He knew something was up in their relationship if he was having feelings for someone else.

So you know what he did? He left her. He had enough respect and decency not to cheat on her and left her as soon as he realised he had feelings for me.

I am the 27 year old "younger model" (28 now and married to the man)... And I tell you one thing, it is goddamn hard work.. I have step kids, oldest is 5 years younger than me, we have maintenance for his two younger kids, we both work and have good salaries but we still struggle because we rent but we work together and I get on with kids (and I'm a step-granny at 28). He also has MS, which means I'll never get a mortgage or be able to buy a house without a cash buy, and i will be his carer when he gets worse. I knew all this when we got together, does your gf know how hard this will be or is she even thinking that far ahead? Do you think she loves you enough to do what I did? Basically get every possible hurdle a relationship can throw at you before you've even started? I know I'm pre-judging here but I don't know many people who would take all of that on (especially the financial burden, and it will effect her quality of life even if you're paying it on your own) and it's selfish to expect her to.

My new situation is a huge shock to the system naturally, my life priorities have changed, I don't really identify with people my own age anymore, it can be very isolating because who can you talk to about how broke you are because you've had to pay towards your step sons transition year school trip?!

Despite the fact that nothing happened between me and him until we were both single not a lot of his family believe that, and it's been hard slog getting them to open up to me. What has helperd is that my now husband has basically went into full remission since he met me and now walks without aid, versus when we met he was on two sticks or a mobility scooter. He is a much happier and healthier person and his family see that.

And to be respected by people my husband's age is tough, his friend makes jokes about how hot it is that he's with me, etc.

I do not in any way condone what you're doing. You are being selfish and disrespectful to your wife, you are not thinking with your brain and definitely not thinking of the future. Unless you have the cajones to walk away now from your family, then you do not love this girl like you think you do. Stop stringing both of them along. When people find out she will take most of the heat for this, as other women generally do, are you willing to stand by her and support her while she finds a whole new life, (probably) new job and new friends?

Have you even discussed this with her or thought about it?

power pants

AnonAndy wrote: »

I think there's way too many idealists is this forum. Why should he go back to his wife in any case? There's a good chance he doesn't love her after straying away. Maybe he should do his wife a favour and let her find someone that treats her well. Let's face it she is probably well into her 40s and doesn't need to waste time. Also, after coming from a family that had unhappy parents, I feel a little scarred and just wanted my parents to end it. So maybe don't do it for the kids.

Exactly, why end the affair and go back to her? End the affair and leave her or else at least tell her and go for help.

All that will happen more than likely is leave the 27 year old, go back miserable to his wife and look for someone else to have an affair with

Just sneaking back to your wife after a 4 month affair is not good advice, kids or no kids involved. I for one would not like this behaviour

stargazer 68

StudentDad wrote: »

OP I don't know if you've realised this yet but despite what your lover may be saying to you about discretion etc, you have effectively placed the control of your life into the hands of someone else.

This woman is having fun at your expense. You are 46, married with kids. She's 27 and having a good time. She can I imagine, at any time smash the foundation of your life, with very few consequences for her own life.

All it takes is a phone call from her and bang! Out go the lights.

SD

Definitely this!! Guy I worked with was having an affair with his Au Pair. One night the Au Pair simply didn't wake him up - his wife went looking for him and hey ho bang went his nice little world.

LegacyUser

Your a 46 year old married man with 3 children. Your having an affair with a woman you work with who is 27. What do you think will happen in the next 6 to 12 months?

a) Your wife will cop on soon about what is happening. She may need to contact you some night & you are not where you said you were.
She might also notice a change in behaviour, dress ect which may lead her to do some digging in regards to your life - ie looking up phone records ect.
b) Someone in work will realise that there is something going on with this woman. You may be brought into your boss office and told that it is known fact that you are seeing x.
What do you do then?
c) Someone will see you out with this woman and may say something to your wife.

No woman of 27 will stay with you long term.
In fact if things blow up she will be gone. At 27 she would have a better chance of getting another job and moving on with her life. Meanwhile in 12 months time you could be in a situation where you dealing with the mess of your own making.

At this stage of your life you need to think with your brain and not your penis. My feeling this that she makes you feel good and you have more to talk about than children, bills ect.
The reality is that your married with 3 children and you need to grow up. You need to end things with this woman now.
If your marriage is not good you need to be honest with you wife and go to marriage counselling. Your wife and children deserve better than what your doing at the moment.
I have married freinds/family and I know that things were not always easy when the children where small. Rather than looking to pastures new they spent time with there wife and familes. They would mind the children to give there wives a brake and arrange an odd night out or a weekend away to have some child free time.
It is time for you to realise that if you continue with your affair it will be found out and you could end up losing your wife and children. Your 27 year old girlfriend will be gone at that stage.

CaraMay

I agree with anonandy that he shiuld just leave his wife. She deserves better than to be second prize or 'the right thing to do' for the rest of her days.

The op has met someone like him - someone who doesn't respect marriage and family. It makes sense that their shared values will lead them to a long and happy life together.

His wife will move on and meet someone fab as she deserves.

LegacyUser

OP here,


Your responses have made for some tough reading... I've been contemplating what I want from life, where I see myself... I think it is possible to love two people at the same time. I have to go abroad with work in the coming weeks and was planning on taking my lover with me but I've decided against it. I told her that I need some space and she became quite upset, she told me that she is in love with me. I just told her that I need some space. I don't want anyone to think that I don't love my children, I do, they mean everything to me. I'm not a bad person.

Ann84

pleaseadvise22 wrote: »

OP here,


Your responses have made for some tough reading... I've been contemplating what I want from life, where I see myself... I think it is possible to love two people at the same time. I have to go abroad with work in the coming weeks and was planning on taking my lover with me but I've decided against it. I told her that I need some space and she became quite upset, she told me that she is in love with me. I just told her that I need some space. I don't want anyone to think that I don't love my children, I do, they mean everything to me. I'm not a bad person.

And your wife, your wife that you 'love'... Where does she come into this? Your planning trips with your girlfriend while claiming to love your wife... You are either delusional or in denial. You don't treat someone you love like a fool - you care about them, and want them to be happy.... The only person you describe concern for is you and your girlfriend...

Stop saying you love two people please, it's insulting!

You haven't mentioned your wife once above... It sounds like your girlfriend is already too attached which means this is likely to get very messy for you.
Take this time to leave your wife, I don't believe you love her one bit. Move out, don't tell her about the affair and in a few months, start back up with your girlfriend then... Win win

Your ex wife will be free to get over you and find real happiness and love as you have, and you can be with your girlfriend!

Jon Stark

amytomjerry wrote: »

A friend's ex husband carried on something similar to you. He too was in his late 40's with 3 kids and he was having an affair behind my friend's back. He claimed he was in love, packed his bags and left his wife and children for his mistress. And guess what, six months later he was back pleading and begging with my friend for forgiveness and to take him back. His younger mistress got tired of his obligations to his children and lost interest very quickly. Today, my friend is very happy after the most distressing time of her life. She has met someone new and her children are happy. But her ex husband lives alone, shattered by all he has lost through his own doing.

Yay?

I agree with Neyite, people in this situation have to look at the bigger picture, and really think about the ramifications of something like this.

Think about what you have OP and ask yourself is it worth losing. The broken marriage to a wife you seemingly love. The children who may end up hating you. And at the age of 46, having to start again.

Is all of that worth a gamble on a 27 year old? Only you can answer that.

zeffabelli

I think there are times when someone can love two people.

There was a time when a friend of mine was in love with his girlfriend and me. I wasn't involved with him romantically because I didn't want to get involved in a triangle, but I did believe him, and I did believe he was torn and stressed by it.

Thing is op, even if you do love two people, you still have to make a choice before one is made for you, and that day will come.

Do you really want to be a weekend dad? Move out of the family home etc?

Your girlfriend is upset understandably, but she chose to play with fire and will have to come to terms with the complexities of the triangle she's gotten involved with, which is a man with blood ties, his own family etc.

I am concerned that you have chosen someone with no awareness of her part on what could be calamitous for your family and therefore you too.

bp

I think it is about to get messy with the lover. She has all the evidence she needs to turn vindictive. I would tell your wife (perhaps before the trip to give her a week to sort her head out).

I know you are no longer planning in taking her, but if you took the lover on the business trip something will end up on Facebook (she will check in somewhere or a friend will say enjoy your trip), someone in work will cop on etc.