Such a fool

LegacyUser

I don't know where to start. For the past month or so it has felt like my life is falling apart. I suspected my husband was up to something a while ago. I caught him texting under the covers in the middle of the night. I asked him and he swore there was nothing going on. "Just a friend". After that I noticed him being very guarded with him phone. Whereas before it would always be left out on the counter, now it never left his pocket. To cut a long sorry story short I found out he was up to something with a work colleague. He swore they had just kissed. Once. That she was chasing him. She's also married, (less than a year!) We have 4 children. This isn't the first time this has happened. Last year, when our baby was just 12 weeks old, he admitted to a "drunk kiss" with some random woman some night in a pub.

He had promised, and cried and begged and swore that he had just been a fool. So twice I forgave him, and twice I tried to rebuild my shattered confidence. Last night he went out and still wasn't home by 3am. I was going to post here last night asking was I fool, but knew all the replies would be "Yes! Dump him". And I didn't want to hear that. I wanted to hear that there could be reasonable explanations etc.

So as it transpires he was out with the work colleague last night. She sent him an email at 5am this morning telling hi she loved him and asking him to try get up to her house next Friday, that they would have a choice of beds, "or the kitchen floor/worktop etc". I feel sick. I am such a fool. I tried my best after the last twice to move on. We had had a few problems over the last few years. He suffers from anxiety and depression and that took it's toll on both him and me. He sort of tried to explain away the "minor misdemeanors" as he called them, as enjoying the attention and having such low self esteem it made him feel good to think someone wanted him.

The colleague apparently has mental health issues too. Please tell me they are just arseholes rather than it being a symptom of mental health? His mental health was a huge part of why I stayed the last 2 times. I was afraid of how he'd cope, what he'd do etc.. I'm such a fool.

I now have to face the rest of my life as a single mother to 4 very young children. He is practically useless with them due to his anxiety. So I can't see him taking them off for a weekend every now and again on his own. I used to live in a lovely naive bubble where the world was lovely and everyone in it was lovely. Now my bubble has well and truly been burst. I hadn't even told any friends about any of it out of a loyalty to him and his "issues".

What a fool.

Dave0301

You've tough times ahead of you, and it is not going to be easy, but the marriage has run its course.

In terms of mental health issues, yes it is important to be supportive of them, but not over fidelity, and especially not over your own mental health if you were to stay with him after this.

I know this is all easy for me to say, but I wish you all the best during this difficult time.

Edit: He's been the fool, not you.

3rdDegree

You are most definitely not a fool!

Although I sympathise with his mental health issues, anxiety and depression are not an excuse for cheating on you and his children!

Sunflower 27

Hi OP

You can't unknow what you know and right now you are in the eye of the storm.

having a mental illness does not mean you are more likely to cheat. It is possible that if he is depressed he may have been looking outside of your relationship for further validation that he is worthwhile. Unfortunately he has been caught out and promised that it won't happen again and it has. He clearly did not learn his lesson.

What can you do? You can forgive him again and attempt to go back to that bubble or you can decide enough is enough and you deserve better.

I am not a single mum, although my mother was, and I know it was hard, but I remember her telling me it was not as hard as spending the rest of her life with a man that made a fool of her and lied time and time again.

You are not responsible for his mental health, he is.

Have you got a good network of friends? Is there a good friend you could confide in?

hdowney

You are certainly not a fool. You are a woman in love with a man, the father of her four children. You committed to him, warts and all, and were determined to stick with it.

He however. He is the fool. He can't see what he has in you and keeps messing it up. He may have anxiety and depression but that is no excuse for cheating multiple times. He is using it and the fact that you care to get you to stay. He wants his cake and someone else's.

It is not an easy decision to make but you need to make it for you. For you and your kids. Put yourself first as you deserve it. Deffo if you have some close friends you can confide in I'd say do so. You will need support along the way.

I can't decide for you, or tell you what to do. But whatever you do decide, just make sure you do it for you. Don't try to 'spare his feelings' as he clearly hasn't thought about yours.

Hugs

LegacyUser

He's telling me now that she was in our town with a group of friends, so he met up with her as part of the group. That nothing happened. He gets on with her as a friend, and he made a stupid mistake once. She seems very pushy about wanting "more" and I'm wondering how he can think highly of her as a friend if she keeps trying to interfere in our marriage? He stopped contact with her, at my request, last month when I discovered the "minor misdemeanor". He said she got back in contact with him a week or two ago and he stupidly replied, thinking they could be friends. He said they share the common understanding of mental health problems.

He saw how upset I was when I found out about them a month ago. He saw what it almost did to our marriage back then. Why would he risk all that again to be "friends"? Are some people really that stupid/clueless? He's a highly intelligent man. So he's not stupid, at least in the academic sense Is it possible to be completely clueless about how your wife might feel about you being friends with a colleague you kissed and who has made it very clear to you that she is willing to go much further?

Neyite

I'm so sorry OP, that sounds horrendous.

It seems like he is minimising, and lying to you. You saw it in black and white in the email. Cheaters will only ever admit what they think they were caught doing. At first he'll tell you that it was just a drink, then one single kiss, then maybe they did spend the night together but didnt have sex, then they might admit that yes, they did have sex, but it was not very enjoyable and only the once.. etc.

Relationships can come back from infidelity, but only if there is space given to the injured party to think through their options, and brutal honesty about the affair. And it takes a long time and a lot of hard work from the cheater and the spouse for trust to be regained. For any relationship in recovery, its a process that takes years, and is by far the harder road.

I think he thinks that if he lies to you, that he'll eventually talk you around like before. Why not ask him to stay elsewhere for a few weeks so you can get your head around it and figure out what YOU want without him bleating more lies and misdirection in your ear constantly?

Dave0301

No, he is not stupid, but he is quite manipulative.

Why the hell would she send an email like she did if he was not reciprocating the sentiment?

He has prior form for this - he is not coming into this with a clean slate. He has clearly learnt nothing from those situations, and if you let him off the hook again, he will not change his behaviour.

Oh, and as for using his mental health issues as common ground, how about he goes to see a trained professional instead.

I am sorry if this comes across as harsh, but from an outside perspective, the writing is on the wall. It is only because I am not emotionality invested that I can see it that way though.

LegacyUser

Thanks Dave,
funny you should mention going to a trained professional.. it has been mentioned more than once but "he doesn't like talking about it to others"!!

fima

If your husband cared about you, your marriage or your future he would go to a trained professional to sort his head out. In my experience, manipulative people will often try to excuse their actions due to depression. The 'it's not my fault, depression made me cheat and lie' excuse. Don't fall for it. You are not a fool, he is. Tell him to get lost. He is trying to make you a fool but it's up to you now if you let him. Good Luck.

giggle84

SuchaFool wrote: »

He is practically useless with them due to his anxiety. So I can't see him taking them off for a weekend every now and again on his own.

Not to appear flippant about mental health problems, but any chance he's playing up to this "anxiety"? His anxiety is so bad he can't cope with his own children, but he can cope with lying and cheating and worrying (or maybe not worrying) about whether you'll find out and what the consequences might be and how much he is hurting you and your family? Doesn't sound very anxious to me.. he sounds like an assh*le.

LegacyUser

He does suffer very badly with anxiety. I did ask him how relaxing it was for him hiding all contact he ever had with this person? He's good with the children. He's actually great with the children - when I'm around. Even if it's just in the background. It's when he's left on his own to do the practical things! Feeding them, gardening with them, music etc he's fantastic whether I'm around or not. Dressing/bathing/showering/bringing them out somewhere on his own, not so good. In his defense he is NOW making a bigger effort. Maybe in preparation for being a "weekend dad", I don't know.

There have been many problems for many years. It hasn't all been bad, but it certainly hasn't been pleasant at times. We probably should have walked away from each other 5 or 6 years ago. I know that is probably the route we are now going to take, and in my heart I probably know that we will both be better off. It's daunting to take that step though.