Dealing with unwanted attention from coworker

luluzade

Okay so recently I started a new job and everyone is all really lovely, happy days. There's one guy there and he was being really nice to me when I started and I thought he was just being friendly inviting me for lunch and things but now he's started texting me on facebook asking me to go out to him for dinner, movies, or something. He keeps feeding me compliments calling me beautiful, saying when he first saw me it was like butterflies in his stomach so now I'm thinking it's a bit more than just being friendly.
I have a boyfriend for 2 years who I love very much and I'm finding all this attention really creepy and I don't know how to stop it without making it awkward at work? I've told him I have a boyfriend and mentioned him a good few times, and you can clearly see from my facebook that I am in a relationship. He asked me to hang out tomorrow after work and I was saying that I'm hanging out with my boyfriend but he doesn't seem to get that i'm trying to avoid it, when he asked me to go cinema or dinner aswell I said I wasn't really bothered so I don't really know how to make it more clear without being a bitch.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get him to stop being a creep without making things awkward at work? I can't really afford to leave the job cos 1. I need the money and 2. I have to pay 200 euro if I quit before the contract ends in January


Thanks in advance

ColeTrain

Tell him straight out that you have absolutely zero interest in him and to stop contacting you. **** how he might feel about it and if it gets awkward in work, so be it.
The guy has overstepped the mark completely and does indeed sound like a creep. Telling him this would not make you 'sound like a bitch'.

Sunflower 27

I agree with coletrain.

This guy sounds like a persistent pain in the ass. He obviously thinks he can wear you down with compliments.

Please don't feel intimidated. You have done nothing wrong. You really need to assert yourself and be very blunt with him. You don't have to be nasty, but you can say 'Listen, I love my boyfriend very much and your comments are bothering me as I don't feel the same way and I want them to stop.'

No-one should have to put up with this sort of thing. It's intimidating, especially if you are young. Use this as a great opportunity to assert yourself. It is something we all have to do time and time again in our lives.

And whatever you do, don't apologise or try and be kind to spare his feelings - that may give him hope that you care about him on some level.

Pawwed Rig

Yep the direct approach is the solution here. Tell him straight. You don't have to be nasty about it, just clear and unambiguous.

zeffabelli

Stop hiding behind your boyfriend.

Tell him he's been very kind but you need him to back off.

tinkerbell

First off, block him on Facebook. Have you added him as a friend? If so, unfriend him. Adding work colleagues on Facebook who you don't really know is a bad idea anyway so just in future, don't add people who you don't know or aren't friends with in real life. Keep your professional and private life separate.

Secondly, tell him to back the F up. You are not interested in him so he needs to stop asking you out and paying compliments as it is making you really uncomfortable.

Only deal with him in a professional capacity - ignore him otherwise. If he still persists, go to your manager.

OneOfThem

Tell him the attention is unappreciated and if it continues you will have to tell your boyfriend so he can call over and 'have a quiet word with him'.

Just explain to him nicely that while his advances are appreciated, they're unfortunately not going to be reciprocated. This is pretty much one of the main reasons why I try to avoid engaging in office relationships if I can.

seenitall

Deleted User wrote: »

Just explain to him nicely that while his advances are appreciated, they're unfortunately not going to be reciprocated.

Very bad wording for the OP to use. It would sound almost as if she's apologising for the fact that she has a boyfriend, or even worse, for the fact that she doesn't fancy the creep back. A creepy knob like this guy would very probably take it as an encouragement.

There are people in this world who aren't willing to hear a "NO" until it is delivered with considerable force.

Be firm and very clear, OP. No 'sadly's or 'unfortunately's, and certainly no 'appreciation'.

strandroad

OneOfThem wrote: »

Tell him the attention is unappreciated and if it continues you will have to tell your boyfriend so he can call over and 'have a quiet word with him'.

Leave the boyfriend out of it, if her coworker is so smitten he'll see this as a sign of a controlling boyfriend situation. She'd have the same problem if she was single.

Simply say "you're making me uncomfortable, please stop as I don't want to have to involve the employer". Delete him from facebook and block his number.

seamusk84

You have a boyfriend and are not interested, you need to be firm here. if that message doesn't get through it will then be time to escalate through the proper channels in work.
Don't let yourself be run out of a job you like and need here.

IlmoNT4

I wouldnt mention anything about reporting him to work etc, I would message him

Your comments about my appearance are not acceptable and your attention and actions towards me in unacceptable. I do not want to be friends with you, none of this is open for discussion. I am asking you to stop contacting me as I will no longer be responding.

Then unfriend from Facebook
Block his number on your phone
Behave professionally at work.... dont talk to him unless you have to. If he contacts you through work email with the same nonsense, Dont respond, but keep copies of the emails.... if he keeps it up, go for a coffee with your manager and suss out whats going on. Do not go to HR until you have indirectly worked out how the whole thing might play out.
Dont socialize with him
Dont meet him or respond to anything he does. Stop hanging out after work with the group that he's in.... I know thats crappy and you like your work friends, but your job is more important than after work drinks with people you wouldnt remembers in a few years time

Faith

Again, posters here go for the nuclear option right off the bat!

OP, you haven't been clear enough. Many years ago, I had a friend who had a big crush on me and he would [harmlessly] try everything to get in my pants. I didn't have the confidence to tell him that it would never happen, and I always said things like "I don't think that's a great idea" so I ended up leading him on and ultimately causing him a lot of pain. You need to say, or write, something to the effect of "Hi X, I think you might have the wrong idea about me. I'm in a committed relationship with a man I love very much, and it makes me very uncomfortable when you invite me to do things on my own with you or you compliment my appearance. I don't think it's appropriate so please respect that". If he tries again, just firmly tell him no. Don't make excuses or he'll think he still has a chance. If you say "Sorry, I'm busy today", he'll think you're free another day instead. Just say "No, thanks".

If *that* fails, then go down the route of deleting him from Facebook. But to jump to that straight away would certainly make for an uncomfortable work environment.

luluzade

Thanks for all the posts guys I really appreciate it, never had to deal with this before so I was utterly clueless what to do.
With regard to bringing it to the attention of the manager, it's not really an option because the guy is really good friends with him so if I did say something I reckon I'd be treated a bit unfairly so I'd want to leave that as the last option because I don't think it would end very well.
And with adding him on facebook, only reason I accepted him is because he said he's invite me into the facebook group they have, I was never planning on being social with just him, I never really thought it through I guess, I just kinda assumed he was trying to be welcoming, and not trying to just talk to me more and more.
I messaged him on facebook but he doesn't seem to get the message, he keeps telling me his feelings for me so I don't really know what to do. I feel like the only option now is speaking face to face but his actions are honestly so creepy that I don't think I'd feel comfortable speaking to him one on one.

luluzade

Faith wrote: »

Again, posters here go for the nuclear option right off the bat!

OP, you haven't been clear enough. Many years ago, I had a friend who had a big crush on me and he would [harmlessly] try everything to get in my pants. I didn't have the confidence to tell him that it would never happen, and I always said things like "I don't think that's a great idea" so I ended up leading him on and ultimately causing him a lot of pain. You need to say, or write, something to the effect of "Hi X, I think you might have the wrong idea about me. I'm in a committed relationship with a man I love very much, and it makes me very uncomfortable when you invite me to do things on my own with you or you compliment my appearance. I don't think it's appropriate so please respect that". If he tries again, just firmly tell him no. Don't make excuses or he'll think he still has a chance. If you say "Sorry, I'm busy today", he'll think you're free another day instead. Just say "No, thanks".

If *that* fails, then go down the route of deleting him from Facebook. But to jump to that straight away would certainly make for an uncomfortable work environment.

Trust me I've tried that and he keeps saying 'everything is fair in love and war' and 'you never know our destiny'. He also keeps saying 2 years of a relationship means nothing, even though I've said plenty of times how much I love my boyfriend and that nothing will ever get in the way of that. I think the only options are to either ignore him or try explain it to his face.

mfceiling

Ignore time. No answering him on Facebook and 1 or 2 word conversations at work. The bare minimum of contact.

Thespoofer

Tell him to jog on, and if he doesn't you're going to tell your boyfriend and he's a big f!cker !

ivytwine

In fairness Faith most normal guys would back off when they found out the object of their affections wasn't single. Telling the OP that her relationship means nothing is so insulting on a number of levels.

OP I think you need to block this guy off social media, don't respond to any texts, calls or emails. While it sucks that because of him that you can't have a normal social working life, maybe you would be better off avoiding after work drinks.

I know it's hard to be rude but utter bluntness is the only thing that works in my experience.

BQQ

ivytwine wrote: »

In fairness Faith most normal guys would back off when they found out the object of their affections wasn't single. Telling the OP that her relationship means nothing is so insulting on a number of levels.

OP I think you need to block this guy off social media, don't respond to any texts, calls or emails. While it sucks that because of him that you can't have a normal social working life, maybe you would be better off avoiding after work drinks.

I know it's hard to be rude but utter bluntness is the only thing that works in my experience.

It doesn't seem to matter how blunt she is. This guy won't accept it.
It might be an idea to ask another colleague to have a word with him.
He might back off then.
Pretty hard to avoid some awkwardness if he's gonna be such a bunnyboiler

trio

Its time for the old Blankeroo.

Blank blank blank. Never answer his texts, only answer him when he asks you about work. Never again say anything personal. Don't talk about your boyfriend, don't talk about yourself, nothing.

He will of course crack on with the old "Are ya avoiding me or something?".

Your response: "I think thats best"

Him: self-justifying horse**** to try to rattle you into a response.

You: "This isn't a debate. This is just how it is. Bye". And turn on your heel and get the fuq outta the room. Even if you're at your desk and have no where to go. He doesn't know you don't have a message to deliver somewhere.

Faith

luluzade wrote: »

Trust me I've tried that and he keeps saying 'everything is fair in love and war' and 'you never know our destiny'. He also keeps saying 2 years of a relationship means nothing, even though I've said plenty of times how much I love my boyfriend and that nothing will ever get in the way of that. I think the only options are to either ignore him or try explain it to his face.

Oh okay, that changes things totally. I thought you'd just made excuses for not seeing him, but if he's saying things like that, it's well past the stage where my suggestion was based! In that case, then yes, I agree with the folk suggesting you block him totally from any kind of social media, do not respond to any texts or answer his phone calls and maintain a cool, distant but professional approach with him at work. Treat him like a total stranger that you happen to work with. The way he's acting is well beyond the realms of normal. If he persists, you are going to need to talk to your manager because it's harrassment at this point.

CaraMay

Come off Facebook for a while and stop responding to him. Keep screen shots of all his conversations in case you need them. Then block him on your mobile and email.

Yes keep screenshots and copies of the texts or emails etc as back up in case you need to escalate this which it sounds like you might need to
Even if the manager is friends with him you can't argue with it there as proof. "hey Manager, can you have a word with X and tell him to back off please? This is what I'm talking about " + proof

Neyite

I know someone who has a bloke on his staff who hits on every new girl. She could be married and the idiot still thinks he's in with a chance. Manager sometimes hears through the grapevine that a girl got a bit upset about being pestered. He'd love to act on it but can only do it when someone directly involved makes a complaint. He can't open up a greviance based on second hand information in the form of office gossip.

You might think the manager is a good mate but I'd guarantee that he would protect his job before his mate. Is there a way to informally talk to the manager ? Maybe he can tell his friend off the record to back off.

irishgirl19

OP sometimes with people like this you have to be firm and spell it out for them. I had a similar situation with a co-walker who wouldn't take the hint..he knew I had a bf also.
He only stopped when I sent him an firm reply to message he sent me telling him I don't like the way he is talking to me and I find it very disrespectful as I am on a committed relationship.
After that I didn't hear a peep out of him.
Best of luck

Edit: just read you have been clear with him. Maybe trios advice is the best

luluzade

Right so I've got him to stop texting me on facebook so he can only say something to me in work, he's still a massive creep but he doesn't have the chance to annoy me as much, so
I suppose that's good? If it gets any worse I'll say it to the manager for sure

Thanks for all the advice!

Lovely Bloke

If you can't trust the manager ask for a meeting with HR