I don't know what to do

LegacyUser

Hey all so my story is I'm with my fiancee now for 8-9 years and we live together aswell

For a while now we have not been getting on as well as we used to do and this is down to a number of factors, money being the main one , but also we have been getting angry and pissy with each other alot more than usual, we rarely talk much without fighting and I can't remember the last time we even passionatly kissed, although we do still have sex ..we don't make love anymore if that makes sense the whole relationship has just started to feel like habit

I'm not helping I joined tinder in the meantime and met another girl , we were only texting and stuff nothing happened , So last sunday we had a big fight and she said she was leaving (she often does) and i told her go so ...we had a big fight and took some bags and went to her mams i was in bits . we txted all night sunday and realised we missed each other and I convinced her to come back yesterday , It was all good for a while

But then today .....we're in seperate rooms again , Neither of us have money to go anywhere until payday tomorow so that's not helping , the other girl has asked me to take her on a date, she's in canada until the 2nd of next month which for the situation is kind of handy , But my head is all over the place i genuinely don't know what i want

R.D. aka MR.D

If you want to go out with the other girl then break up with your current girlfriend first.

Seriously, don't be that guy. As much as you have argued recently, look into your heart and remember a time when you had respect for your girlfriend. She deserves better than you cheating on her like this.

Confucius say

Don't get married, for starters! Sounds like a disaster of a relationship. It shouldn't be this hard and other parties should not be involved so you two need to devise a way to go your seperate ways asap. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Well first off you are being so dishonest to your fiancée! Why are you even thinking of dating another woman while you are engaged?? That is called cheating? If you want to do that break up with your fiancée. I know you're thinking oh I don't want to throw it all away I just want to see what else is out there, have fun etc, well that's having your cake and eating it. What do you think your OH would think if she knew you are chatting and wanting to meet another girl? You are being very selfish, and if you were honest with yourself not really trying and doing enough to make it work are you. As in doing Everything you possibly can to resolve things and get back on track, which is what you should be doing since getting back together. It sounds like relationship is over, if its not go to relationship counselling and find out why you are both unhappy.

Idle Passerby

Come on OP, you know yourself the relationship with your "fiancee" is no longer headed for marriage. Its already over for the both of you and you're already trying to meet someone else! What you're doing, ie using dating app, exchanging flirty texts, making plans to meet someone already constitutes cheating in many peoples books. Just end it properly. And leave that girl on tinder alone, I'm sure if she knew you were engaged she'd have no interest in meeting you.

MadDog76

Your relationship was dead long before you joined Tinder but joining Tinder was the final nail in the coffin ........ it's time to bury this "relationship" and start the grieving process.

Ann84

You are messing with your fiancée. You are being selfish and are messing with her which is awful.

You are still in a relationship - but on a dating site so your heads not focused on her or your relationship
You fight and accept that you are not happy but don't mention having done anything to save it
She left last weekend and YOU 'convinced her to come back'...
And now your setting up a convenient date for a few weeks time... When what, you have actually kicked her back out again?!

This is all getting a bit horrific, you may not love her anymore but now you are just insulting the woman.
After all the time ye spent together it's a shame you can't even give her enough respect to break up with her before jumping into your next relationship?
It's guys like you that make me look at my fiancée and wonder what he's really capable of. Scary

Ann84

You are messing with your fiancée. You are being selfish and are messing with her which is awful.

You are still in a relationship - but on a dating site so your heads not focused on her or your relationship
You fight and accept that you are not happy but don't mention having done anything to save it
She left last weekend and YOU 'convinced her to come back'...
And now your setting up a convenient date for a few weeks time... When what, you have actually kicked her back out again?!

This is all getting a bit horrific, you may not love her anymore but now you are just insulting the woman.
After all the time ye spent together it's a shame you can't even give her enough respect to break up with her before jumping into your next relationship?
It's situations like yours that make me look at my fiancée and wonder what he's really capable of. Scary

LegacyUser

Okay so I have taken alot of flak on here and rightly so. but it's not as plain as day as some people are making out here

Yes I did wrong by joining tinder at 1st it started off as a bit of curiosity which sort of went out of control I got matched with loads of people but never messaged anyone at all..till last week when a girl messaged me 1st so I messaged back ..(stupidly i know) I didn't meet her she suggested meeting up when she came back from a holiday in canada I laughed it off I never said i was or wasn't

She left on Sunday because we had a blazing row over other issues that are there like I said the money etc , We both do still see a future together and do still love each other , I'm just unsure of what I want because of my foolishness going on that stupid bloody app my head is a big muddled mess


BTW I like how people read the 1st paragraph and labelled my relationship a failure straight away

Idle Passerby

If there really is something left to salvage of your current relationship, delete tinder and forget being curious about other women. Put everything out on the table with your partner, your tinder dabbling, money issues, the sexual dissatisfaction, and have a proper discussion about where you both are and how you could actually start getting it back to a healthy relationship.

tinz18

dazedandconfused wrote: »

Yes I did wrong by joining tinder at 1st it started off as a bit of curiosity which sort of went out of control I got matched with loads of people but never messaged anyone at all..till last week when a girl messaged me 1st so I messaged back ..(stupidly i know) I didn't meet her she suggested meeting up when she came back from a holiday in canada I laughed it off I never said i was or wasn't

She left on Sunday because we had a blazing row over other issues that are there like I said the money etc , We both do still see a future together and do still love each other , I'm just unsure of what I want because of my foolishness going on that stupid bloody app my head is a big muddled mess

Tbh the bolded bits stick out here. Why not just say straight out that you're in a relationship? Is it to keep Tinder girl as a back-up in case you decide what you want isn't your fiancee? Either way its not fair on the tinder girl or your fiancee to be lying about omission about your relationship status. You need to talk to your fiancee and work through your issues otherwise your relationship is doomed. If installing tinder is an indicator of your behavior when ye go through rough times what will you do the next time?

The tinder craic needs to stop now- delete the app because in a lot of of relationships that would be counted as cheating (Correct me if I'm wrong). At this stage you've used the app and what it's like so curiosity should be sated. I understand curiosity- hell my fella signed up to fetlife for one day out of curiosity because he heard me mention it but there's a major difference here- he didn't message/flirt with anyone and I knew he had signed up because he told me he had.

Also the out of control excuse, you're a grown up- you made a conscious decision to install tinder and to message back that girl- own your choices because its not as if someone else got you into this scenario or can get you out. I believe your relationship can be saved but only if you are truthful with your girlfriend and don't see a fight as an excuse to flirt with other people.

Jotunheim

dazedandconfused wrote: »

BTW I like how people read the 1st paragraph and labelled my relationship a failure straight away

What's your point with this? The following paragraphs painted an even worse picture, your post went from "not getting on" to "I've set the platform for cheating", to "we had a row that we did absolutely nothing constructive to solve and now we're back in the same situation". Don't complain now because people don't agree with how you've behaved and see your relationship for what it is. If you came looking for genuine advice, maybe start by taking it on board instead of getting annoyed that it didn't just say what you wanted to hear.

LegacyUser

dazedandconfused wrote: »

Okay so I have taken alot of flak on here and rightly so. but it's not as plain as day as some people are making out here

Yes I did wrong by joining tinder at 1st it started off as a bit of curiosity which sort of went out of control I got matched with loads of people but never messaged anyone at all..till last week when a girl messaged me 1st so I messaged back ..(stupidly i know) I didn't meet her she suggested meeting up when she came back from a holiday in canada I laughed it off I never said i was or wasn't

She left on Sunday because we had a blazing row over other issues that are there like I said the money etc , We both do still see a future together and do still love each other , I'm just unsure of what I want because of my foolishness going on that stupid bloody app my head is a big muddled mess


BTW I like how people read the 1st paragraph and labelled my relationship a failure straight away

Everyone else here has covered how shítty it was of you to join tinder, and I must join the chorus of people pointing out how disrespectful a thing it was to do to your partner.

I ended up in a relationship with a married man who was on PoF (way before the days of Tinder) he told me he was separated when we started talking but he and his wife were constantly doing what your fiancée did the other day so while he was "technically" separated, he went back to her but resurfaced a few months later when they hit the rocks again and he got bored of trying with her.

Anyway, long story short is that not only are you being an absolute shíte to your fiancée by window shopping on tinder (even if you've no intention of taking it any further) you're messing some other poor girl around too.

Get over yourself, grow up and sort your life out and stop hurting others with your behaviour.

Ant695

The only way the relationship will be a failure is if you fail to work at it. And in line with what others have said if you're on tinder chatting to another girl even if that's all it is that time and energy isn't focused on working on your relationship. As has been said get off tinder sit down with your fiancee and have an honest discussion about what you both want be that working through things or splitting up or having some time apart to see if that helps. Either way it needs to be a proper conversation and not a row where someone storms off or a blame game of who did or said what. If you want it to work work at it if not walk away.

Maybe it can be saved and if so great if not then someone needs to make the decision and be done with it but only you or your fiancee are in a position to decide that.

CaraMay

You are cheating on your fiancée in tinder yet we are the ones in the wrong? Each paragraph in your post is worse than the last.

Be honest with the tinder girl and stop wasting her time. You do know you'll be caught on tinder as you are sure to be spotted by someone your fiancée knows!

MissFlitworth

It sounds like you guys are over, really properly over. You don't have to want to break up with someone for your relationship to be done, but when you cannot stop fighting, you're no longer being affectionate with them/sex is mechanical itch scratching and you just don't get on it's the end. And you can still love someone and think the world of them but have your romantic relationship with them be dead in the water. You both sound miserable.

The Tinder thing is you trying to avoid looking at the absolute horribleness that is the end of a long term relationship. It is awful but, from personal experience, getting out of a relationship that's dead in the water is wonderful. You should both give it a go

Dark Phoenix

OP why not sort out your current relationship before arranging dates with a girl you met on tinder? signing up to tinder and engaging with other women doesnt gel with your argument that your relationship isnt a failure - your behaviour is making it a failure

Do you want tio sort things out with your fiance? sounds like its make or break. So its time to make decisions and either break up or decide that you will both put proper effort into making it work.

rcarroll

Hi OP,

I get it, I do - things with your partner are shíte, you keep fighting, sex isn't what it should be, you're just curious if maybe there's something else out there that's less complicated, easier, more fun....I'm sure everyone in a relationship has thought that at some stage...

Here's the thing though, if the relationship is what you want, that thought is just a reaction after a fight that you quickly stamp out, a 'what if' feeling that you quickly realise is baseless, because you're commited to your partner, because you would hate her to feel that way about you, because you know that a commited relationship has rocky patches but you made that decision to be with her, because she's good for you, she makes you happy and at the end of the day, these fights get worked out.....It doesn't really sound like that's the case with you anymore....it's hard to accept the end of a relationship, but please, don't be that guy that fúcks things up so much, causes so much pain to the partner, that SHE has to dump you - because it sounds like that's what you're doing.

Have the balls to be honest with your partner, she deserves it. THEN do what you want on Tinder

fredtbvfh

If you think this relationship is worth fighting for, you have to get off tinder first of all. It's not fair on your fiancée or the girls you speak to. If you want a future with your fiancée, you need to sit her down and see what she wants. If she wants the same, you need to get everything out in the open. Marriage is a huge deal, it's not something to take lightheartedly, and you want to know you guys can commit to one another before you take that step. You need to move away from the Internet and focus solely on your relationship. you sat money is an issue? You need to talk things out.

But if you don't want this, you need to break it off si you'll both be happier.

lazybones32

Never heard of the 7 year itch, OP? Your relationship is developing to a deeper level than the cutesy, lovey feelings associated with the 'honeymoon' period.

Tinder - yeah, you got flak and you deserve it.

Decide if you want to remain with your fiancee. There's no criteria I can offer to ensure a good decision or a successful relationship. Love isn't a feeling but a decision and a commitment.

vertmann

When you said that you and your fiancée were such a long time together but you aren't getting on well any more
- you can't have a conversation that doesn't end in a row
- your sex life has gone to pot
- your fiancée keeps threatening to leave
What exactly did you expect us to think?

After 9 years together you're unlikely to be swinging from the chandeliers but surely things have got to be better than they are now. Just about every relationship goes through its rough patches but they can be overcome if both of you are willing to work at it. Neither of you appear to have the maturity or the ability to do this. Threatening to leave and running home to mammy is in its own way every bit as bad as you being on Tinder. If you can't solve your problems now what makes you think things will be different in the future?

I get the impression that both of you are terrified of what life would be like if you were single again. You're both making a mess of your relationship but it's still better than the awfulness of singledom. Has this relationship run its course? Only you can answer that.

Whatever you decide to do for now, don't get married for quite a while yet. If you have to, postpone the wedding. As things stand you can walk away from this relationship without leaving too much of a mess. Leaving a marriage is a different matter altogether. I think deep down you know this relationship is a dead duck but you and your fiancée are too scared to call time on it.

The fact that you're even entertaining thoughts of this other woman and don't know what to do says a lot. If you were truly happy with your fiancée and were buying into the forsaking all other bit, why did you install Tinder? You'd not have done it a few years ago, would you? You knew what you were doing on some level.

Sunflower 27

It sounds as if you are utterly terrified to be on your own.

You really need to start acting like a grown man. I really feel bad for your fiancé. She deserves a lot better than this. Fighting or not, you don't go on tinder to boost your own fragile self-esteem. It's immature, hurtful and I bet you would hate being made a fool of that way yourself.

In a nutshell, grow up.

LegacyUser

You know what .....Last poster is dead on I am ****ing terrified of everything the break up , the ramifications, Facing being on my own, Everything there I said it

It all feels like habit at the moment and a week later now the 1st day was great but now we've both slipped back into the routine again and I know I have to grow up and face it , but it's so so so hard

and listen I really appreciate every comment on here good or bad

CaraMay

dazedandconfused wrote: »

You know what .....Last poster is dead on I am ****ing terrified of everything the break up , the ramifications, Facing being on my own, Everything there I said it

It all feels like habit at the moment and a week later now the 1st day was great but now we've both slipped back into the routine again and I know I have to grow up and face it , but it's so so so hard

and listen I really appreciate every comment on here good or bad

It's the best thing you will ever do, for you and her. Imagine spending the rest of your life like this? It would be hell on earth.