My past is making me anxious and I want to stop

LegacyUser

I have massive regrets about my actions as a teenager. I did a lot of stupid things, over the course of a few years. I told a lot of lies and I think I was suffering from some sort of mental issues.
I got myself together and stopped all of this crap and went to college. I did well and have done well in my career. I have a very stable and happy relationship now. I have good friends. I feel I have turned myself around and I am a good person now.
But my past still annoys me and I hate what I did back then. I am sure some people think I was some sort of crazy person, given how I acted, and they probably think of me as that now. I know why I did what I did, there were other things going on outside my control which caused me to do the wrong things but I knew at the time I wasn't behaving the way I should.
My partner doesn't know any of this. They don't know how anxious my past makes me. I don't want them to know what I did because it was all so stupid and I am not like that anymore. My one friend who knows what I did never brings it up, so maybe I should stop mulling over my stupid teenage idiot self. I sometimes wonder what people who know me now would think of me if they found out what I did. And that makes me anxious.
How can I get past all this 20 year old baggage? I am not really one for talking about my problems. I usually work through things myself and try to find solutions without wanting to look like I need help.

Jotunheim

alwaysregretting wrote: »

maybe I should stop mulling over my stupid teenage idiot self.

I think you've answered your own question there. Even if you're not generally one for talking about things, some counselling might help you to achieve that. You might be surprised how much it'll help you just to talk. You will probably also find that your partner and many others will look on your past a lot more kindly than you see it yourself.

HelgaWard

Maybe your should talk to your partner. When my now hubby, (at the time boyfriend) told me some of the things he got up to when in college, I believed him, because he was telling me and wouldn't lie, but I found it so so hard to reconcile that with the person he is now. Believe me, he did some crazy sh1t, stuff that I would not put up with if he did it now, but he was young, immature and is a completely different person now. I actually admired that he was able to turn his life around, shows tremendous strength of character. You have grown up, you have changed, fair play to you, you could have continued on your crazy path, but you didn't. You are who you are now, and that is who your partner loves.
You sound like you really need to forgive yourself, maybe talking to your partner, getting it all off your chest would help you move on.

Neyite

Let yourself off the hook and forgive yourself.

I was an awful eejit and I look back and cringe at some of the stuff I did and the mistakes I made. I screwed up a lot.

But you know what? We all did. Nearly everyone was clueless at some point in our teens and who thought we knew it all and made mistakes. Sometimes we hurt ourselves or others, or lost a job through it, or a friend, or an opportunity. Some made more serious mistakes, and those had permanent changes to our lives. Most of us at some point have looked back and had The Fear when you realise what an arse you made of yourself in a situation.

But its all part of being human, part of growing up. The fact that you look back and know you'd act differently now is part and parcel of how you've grown up and learned from it. That's what life is all about. Mistakes are normal, but you need to forgive yourself for them and stop beating yourself up about what you cant change.

bolopapa

You were bearly an adult then, whatever you might have done then doesn't really count. Only if you did something that lead someone to die, dis you!!!?. If not then there is really no point in fussing about your past.

Pyr0

I think everyone has memories and actions from their past that they're not proud of, I certainly do anyway, there's no escaping it or changing it but the most important part is realising that without them, you wouldn't be the person you are today.

Own your past and use it to help you avoid the same mistakes

Your partner knows who you are now, the real you. If anything does crop up from your past then talk about it, it'd be way worse avoiding the situation as anyone with a bit of cop on would see through it and then the worrying starts.