Sleepless in Dublin

LegacyUser

Here I am awake at 05:20 feeling really ****ty about having recently become single. I think if i write something here then maybe I'll feel better having put it into words, maybe then ill get some sleep.
I'm a 37 year old guy. I would love nothing more than to meet and fall in love with a woman who has my back as much as I'd have hers. It took me a long time to realise that this is what is most important to me. The really sad thing is that I once had a girl like this but i let her go (I was young and stupid). Now, after a few relationships that didnt work out, i feel like I will never find this again. In fact im losing faith in women, the ones I have met eventually let me down or hurt me. Since becoming single I've tried dating apps and websites only to find it such hard work to even chat to someone genuine. There are some truly vile people out there who will stamp on you to get what they want.
There comes a point where i have to ask "am i the problem"?
Maybe i expect to much of people, maybe I take things to heart to easily. I like to think I'm a decent guy and consider myself a good boyfriend/partner in that I hold values like loyalty, respect and honesty in high regard. I consider myself very thoughtful and I love to have fun, make a girl laugh and make her feel special. These traits are getting me nowhere and I think meeting a woman who I can trust 100% is looking less and less likely. Maybe Ill give the dating a break and consider the single life...

power pants

Maybe you just have been unlucky with your relationships or maybe you do actually need to look at yourself further. Are you really as perfect as you suggest?
Maybe the qualities you see in yourself come across differently to others?

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for your reply. I wasn't for a moment suggesting I was perfect :-) I treat people with respect, only to find i get kicked in the teeth.

CaraMay

What kind of girls are you going for? What age group?

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

What kind of girls are you going for? What age group?

I don't necessarily go for a type as such, but age group I tend to go for would be 30-40. I think i have had bad luck however the online dating thing is really off putting. Do women really only care about whether or not a guy is "high value", money, nice car etc? Thats the impression I'm getting when having conversations online. As it happens i have my dream job, dream salary and dream car but i tend to hold out on that info when dating because i feel women are fishing for that info and I don't want someone to go out with me for that reason. Ive also met girls through mutual friends thinking they would be sound, only to find they still mess me about. Where on earth do the straight talking, honest and loyal women of Ireland hang out :-)

CaraMay

How do you mean they mess you around? What do they do? If it's a case that they stop seeing you after a few dates well that's just the luck of the draw when it comes to dating.

Most girls in that age bracket are themselves financially solvent and well set up so maybe they would only want a man who is stable too. I know all my friends had good jobs / nice house etc in their 30's

Flippyfloppy

I see what you mean about holding out on the fact that you are successful, however it may be time to change your tack a little on this.

I know many women, whom in their late teens and twenties ended up with men with no ambition, no drive, no plans. This perhaps was made particularly obvious during the recession where some people lost their jobs and refused to retrain or take up any opportunities outside of their general remit of work. These men may also have had no ambition to travel/ move out of their family home with their patents.

These things can be off putting for women, especially ones who may have had to end up ending a long term relationship with someone who was going nowhere and as a result their relationship went stale as well.

Perhaps when you're talking to women you can at least let them know you're employed, love your job, and have your own place, without going into too much detail. Don't keep it as some kind of wildcard/huge revelation because, as you know, it's not hugely important. Your chemistry is more so, but you should still cut the mystery.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

How do you mean they mess you around? What do they do? If it's a case that they stop seeing you after a few dates well that's just the luck of the draw when it comes to dating.

Most girls in that age bracket are themselves financially solvent and well set up so maybe they would only want a man who is stable too. I know all my friends had good jobs / nice house etc in their 30's

Example the last girl was arranging to meet other guys on Tinder while she was seeing me :-( I have no issue with getting dumped, im a big boy and can handle rejection provided that person is honest and up front. "I'm just not that into you" or "i want diff things" would be music to my ears at this point :-) This is where im losing faith, i feel hurt that someone cant just say its not working out.

LegacyUser

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

I see what you mean about holding out on the fact that you are successful, however it may be time to change your tack a little on this.

I know many women, whom in their late teens and twenties ended up with men with no ambition, no drive, no plans. This perhaps was made particularly obvious during the recession where some people lost their jobs and refused to retrain or take up any opportunities outside of their general remit of work. These men may also have had no ambition to travel/ move out of their family home with their patents.

These things can be off putting for women, especially ones who may have had to end up ending a long term relationship with someone who was going nowhere and as a result their relationship went stale as well.

Perhaps when you're talking to women you can at least let them know you're employed, love your job, and have your own place, without going into too much detail. Don't keep it as some kind of wildcard/huge revelation because, as you know, it's not hugely important. Your chemistry is more so, but you should still cut the mystery.

Thanks for your post, yes i hear a lot of sense in what you are saying. I think i definitely will take on board and try what you say in your last paragraph. Thanks so much :-)

power pants

Its normally one of the first questions people ask when potentially about to date someone, be it out of genuine interest or making conversation.

How did you previously answer this when asked? cut all ties with them?

tinz18

SleeplessDub wrote: »

Example the last girl was arranging to meet other guys on Tinder while she was seeing me :-( I have no issue with getting dumped, im a big boy and can handle rejection provided that person is honest and up front. "I'm just not that into you" or "i want diff things" would be music to my ears at this point :-) This is where im losing faith, i feel hurt that someone cant just say its not working out.

Just to this point, a little word of advice, these days it seems unless you have the exclusivity chat early on while you're dating, people are going to see other people. I personally don't like it (why my bf got major brownie points by suggesting exclusivity from the get go - we met on POF where in my experience exclusivity is rarely talked of) but many people I know especially on online dating date multiple people until they see things are getting serious. Many of my friends were burned the same way you were because they took the exclusivity for granted.

Not all woman are obsessed with status (everyone's different), however I do like a guy who's comfortable and moreso happy in his job. I've dated guys who hated what they were doing and tbh their unhappiness seeped into the relationship and killed it. So don't be too coy with the fact you have your dream job- no need to mention money or the car-dream job doesn't automatically equate to being loaded. As a previous poster said its often a key conversation topic while dating.

LegacyUser

power pants wrote: »

Its normally one of the first questions people ask when potentially about to date someone, be it out of genuine interest or making conversation.

How did you previously answer this when asked? cut all ties with them?

Ah now Ive obviously got no issue with a girl asking what I do for a living. Its the "what car do you drive" and "do you make a lot of money" questions that are a turn off for me. I'm sorry but they are not general get to know somebody questions, they are "can i better myself with this guy" questions.

LegacyUser

tinz18 wrote: »

Just to this point, a little word of advice, these days it seems unless you have the exclusivity chat early on while you're dating, people are going to see other people. I personally don't like it (why my bf got major brownie points by suggesting exclusivity from the get go - we met on POF where in my experience exclusivity is rarely talked of) but many people I know especially on online dating date multiple people until they see things are getting serious. Many of my friends were burned the same way you were because they took the exclusivity for granted.

Not all woman are obsessed with status (everyone's different), however I do like a guy who's comfortable and moreso happy in his job. I've dated guys who hated what they were doing and tbh their unhappiness seeped into the relationship and killed it. So don't be too coy with the fact you have your dream job- no need to mention money or the car-dream job doesn't automatically equate to being loaded. As a previous poster said its often a key conversation topic while dating.

To clarify, in this particular example I had been seeing the girl for almost a year! Exclusivity is a given at that point. Its obvious she was no longer that into me but rather than do the decent thing and end it she decided to line somebody else up first and then coldly just started to ignore me more and more until i felt like a complete mug

LegacyUser

I think i have moaned enough, too much negativity and I dont normally allow myself to be a victim in life :-) You guys get my point. What I am noticing about this thread is what is not being said..and that is no one is in agreement and no one else is seeing these problems. Maybe ive had a run of bad luck or more likely im giving something off that attracts the worst kinds :-( I'm taking a break from it, i couldnt handle another bad experience so i think i need time to chill out, stop looking and spend time with friends until im in a better place and frame of mind :-)

CaraMay

Are these girls typically 'successful' too? I don't understand why that girl was messaging other guys - how long were you seeing her?

dellas1979

SleeplessDub wrote: »

Its the "what car do you drive" and "do you make a lot of money" questions that are a turn off for me.

Jeepers, Ive never asked a guy this with the intent of making a decision on if I like them or not.

Sometimes people just ask questions cause they are curious. Ive a nice car myself. So if someone asks me what I drive, Ill ask them too. Is it not conversation?

It can and will be taken the other way if you are coming from the angle that you are.

Mourinho

I'm just after reading what you said and I feel for you. Your are dead right to be pissed off if you are seeing a girl for year and shes off arranging meet-ups you can blow all the ****e about exclusivity you want but after a year, yeah its kinda a deal breaker like. She was a bitch, nothing short off and your well rid.

I thought at first not saying you had a car what your job was and if you liked it was a problem alright but your latest post asking "so do you make a lot of money?" yeah that wouldn't sit well with me either I'd never dream of asking that unless I was seeing someone for a bit.

The only thing I wouldn't read much into is what kinda car do you have. I've often asked and been asked that it's just another get to know ya question in my experience.

I think you've just had some bad luck with that ex of yours. Then just been talking to a few eejits online that you wouldn't meld with anyway. Take a few months off and try again it can take ages but you'll nearly always come across a good one after a bit.

Maybe even try a paid dating site instead of POF circa your age the serious men/women seem to use the paid sites to avoid all the messers.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

I can relate to where your coming from OP. I'm a mid thirties female. Not that long single but the dating scene seems a murky place from where I am. I can totally identify with what you said about having met a decent match when you were alot younger and let them slip by. The same thing happened me. At 22 I thought there would be plenty more opportunities to meet another Mr. Right when I was ready to settle down. It hasn't really happened and I'm left wondering if karma is having a go at me for not seeing a good thing when I had it!

At least you have a good career. I'm well educated and not lazy by a long shot. However I don't have a particularly good job but that's true of alot of intelligent/well educated people these days. It makes me reluctant to answer the "what do you do" questions though because I feel I should be doing so much better at this stage of my life.

I'm not saying women are right to be asking you what you earn, thats a presumptuous question in general but many women of my age may be wondering will they be able to afford children/maternity leave at some point with you when they ask these kinds of questions.

I'm afraid I don't know where the eligible single women are hanging out, probably with their married friends having toddler friendly lunches and then watching netflix on their own

LegacyUser

That's awful op! I couldn't imagine how someone would think it's ok to ask someone 'do you make a lot of money?'! Weird. Well, that's an ok filtering system for a start - you definitely wouldn't want to meet up with someone like that.

Sorry to hear how you were treated by your year-long gf - again, not normal and not ok.

I'm a 28 year old female. I'm not single, but I know tons of girls my age and older who are dying to meet a nice guy. Many of them have had really bad experiences with online dating and abandoned it as a result. I think it has a tendency to bring out the worst in some people (although I accept it can work for others).

LegacyUser

Mourinho wrote: »

I'm just after reading what you said and I feel for you. Your are dead right to be pissed off if you are seeing a girl for year and shes off arranging meet-ups you can blow all the ****e about exclusivity you want but after a year, yeah its kinda a deal breaker like. She was a bitch, nothing short off and your well rid.

I thought at first not saying you had a car what your job was and if you liked it was a problem alright but your latest post asking "so do you make a lot of money?" yeah that wouldn't sit well with me either I'd never dream of asking that unless I was seeing someone for a bit.

The only thing I wouldn't read much into is what kinda car do you have. I've often asked and been asked that it's just another get to know ya question in my experience.

I think you've just had some bad luck with that ex of yours. Then just been talking to a few eejits online that you wouldn't meld with anyway. Take a few months off and try again it can take ages but you'll nearly always come across a good one after a bit.

Maybe even try a paid dating site instead of POF circa your age the serious men/women seem to use the paid sites to avoid all the messers.

Best of luck

Thanks for the advice and kind words :-)

LegacyUser

old maid wrote: »

I can relate to where your coming from OP. I'm a mid thirties female. Not that long single but the dating scene seems a murky place from where I am. I can totally identify with what you said about having met a decent match when you were alot younger and let them slip by. The same thing happened me. At 22 I thought there would be plenty more opportunities to meet another Mr. Right when I was ready to settle down. It hasn't really happened and I'm left wondering if karma is having a go at me for not seeing a good thing when I had it!

At least you have a good career. I'm well educated and not lazy by a long shot. However I don't have a particularly good job but that's true of alot of intelligent/well educated people these days. It makes me reluctant to answer the "what do you do" questions though because I feel I should be doing so much better at this stage of my life.

I'm not saying women are right to be asking you what you earn, thats a presumptuous question in general but many women of my age may be wondering will they be able to afford children/maternity leave at some point with you when they ask these kinds of questions.

I'm afraid I don't know where the eligible single women are hanging out, probably with their married friends having toddler friendly lunches and then watching netflix on their own

Thanks for your comments. Sorry to hear that you identify with some of the same problems :-( I feel very lucky career-wise, as you quite rightly point out not everyone can get their preferred job despite being well educated or highly trained. Your comment about eligible women made me laugh so thanks for that :-) At least it gives me hope that they are still out there and i haven't completely missed the boat ;-)

mangotracy

It's hard work being single. I was single for many years in late 30s. Sometimes I just took a break from it all for a few months, didn't try. That helped! Getting a load of people who were my friends too, growing a big circle of people who are single. That helped massively. Whenever it got too much I did something to boost my self esteem, like travel for a week on my own, have an adventure.

Be wary about who you are attracting/attracted to. All that shines is not gold!! I have some lovely single women friends, guys pass them over because they are a bit plainer/less flirty - but I tell you they are gold! A good man would spice them up and bring out the sexy kittens that they are! :cool:

LegacyUser

mangotracy wrote: »

It's hard work being single. I was single for many years in late 30s. Sometimes I just took a break from it all for a few months, didn't try. That helped! Getting a load of people who were my friends too, growing a big circle of people who are single. That helped massively. Whenever it got too much I did something to boost my self esteem, like travel for a week on my own, have an adventure.

Be wary about who you are attracting/attracted to. All that shines is not gold!! I have some lovely single women friends, guys pass them over because they are a bit plainer/less flirty - but I tell you they are gold! A good man would spice them up and bring out the sexy kittens that they are! :cool:

Oh my god.. can i have their numbers please? Hahaha. Thanks for the comments, wise words :-)

LegacyUser

I can understand your frustration. You just have to shake it off and hope it pans out. But try enjoy the journey.
I've gone through the same experience this month. I know the guy over a year through friends and finally we started to date. We both said we were ready. Everytime I tried to organise a date it's ' I'm busy'. I'd never know when I'd see him, usually last minute arrangements.
I was happy to park it. There's been a lot of messing on his part over the last year. When I agree on ending it and explain that it's hard to get to know someone if you never see them. I understand everyone has a life outside of dating and can be busy. I would be busy with work, hobbies, friends.
I firmly believe if you like the person you should arrange a date, even a coffee date. After trying to end it amicably, I get insults thrown my way because I'm not going along with casual. I didn't rise to it because what's the point. I just said best of luck with everything.

What frustrates me is their reaction when you have been up straight. I try not to take it on board but it's not nice when someone is insulting to you for no reason. I know it's their issue. It's disheartening sometimes.
I'm very open. I don't play games with ppl. I don't see the point. I do find out relatively early the guys I meet are like so that's something and I can walk away.
I agree where are the straight up, honest people out there. I just believe it's luck of the draw. A lot of ppl have their own issues going on in their lives and are probably not ready for dating. So it is that bit harder to find someone that wants the same things.

LegacyUser

I can understand your frustration. I come across it too. You just have to shake it off and hope it pans out eventually.
Just this month I experienced the same. I know a guy over a year through friends. Always a bit of flirting between us. Finally we decided we were both ready to date. But everytime I tried to organise something i was told 'I'm too busy'. I'd never know when I see him next and usually last minute arrangements on his terms. I was happy to park it then. When I agreed on ending it and explained that its hard to get to know someone if you never see them. I understand everyone has a life outside of meeting someone and they can be busy. I firmly believe if you like someone you make time to see them even if its just an hour a week. After trying to end it amicably, I get insults thrown my way. I didn't rise to them because what was the point. I just agreed and said best of luck with everything.
What frustrates me is the guys reaction when you have been up straight with them. I try not to take it on board but its not nice when someone is insulting to you for no reason. I know its their issue. I do find out relatively early so that is something and I can walk away from. This time it kind of stuck as I thought they were a friend at least. If you don't want the same thing just say it!! It is disheartening at times when you have been so open.
I suppose my point is we all come across it at times. I agree where are the straight up people. I suppose its just luck of the draw. A lot of ppl have their own issues going on in their lives and are probably not ready for dating but think they are. So it can be that bit harder to find someone that wants the same things.
You'll shake it off in a couple of days and as the saying goes 'whats meant for you won't pass you'

LegacyUser

jaded05 wrote: »

I can understand your frustration. I come across it too. You just have to shake it off and hope it pans out eventually.
Just this month I experienced the same. I know a guy over a year through friends. Always a bit of flirting between us. Finally we decided we were both ready to date. But everytime I tried to organise something i was told 'I'm too busy'. I'd never know when I see him next and usually last minute arrangements on his terms. I was happy to park it then. When I agreed on ending it and explained that its hard to get to know someone if you never see them. I understand everyone has a life outside of meeting someone and they can be busy. I firmly believe if you like someone you make time to see them even if its just an hour a week. After trying to end it amicably, I get insults thrown my way. I didn't rise to them because what was the point. I just agreed and said best of luck with everything.
What frustrates me is the guys reaction when you have been up straight with them. I try not to take it on board but its not nice when someone is insulting to you for no reason. I know its their issue. I do find out relatively early so that is something and I can walk away from. This time it kind of stuck as I thought they were a friend at least. If you don't want the same thing just say it!! It is disheartening at times when you have been so open.
I suppose my point is we all come across it at times. I agree where are the straight up people. I suppose its just luck of the draw. A lot of ppl have their own issues going on in their lives and are probably not ready for dating but think they are. So it can be that bit harder to find someone that wants the same things.
You'll shake it off in a couple of days and as the saying goes 'whats meant for you won't pass you'

I feel for ya, i really do. That was really ****ty of him. Thanks for sharing and i really appreciate the words of advice. Hope things get better for you too