How do I stop being needy with women?

LegacyUser

This is an issue which for me has always lead to the destruction of relationships. Right now im in a long distance relationship. I know its coming to an end soon and its all because of my needy/jealous behaviour. I'm always asking her what shes doing, why she hasnt replied to me., why she hasnt asked how I am even though ive asked her, why she doesnt seem happy with me, what did I do wrong. Questions like that which are probably driving her crazy but I can't help myself. I feel this compulsive need to ask these questions because when shes not replying much to me or she's busy, I don't really have anyone else to chat to and thus feel lonely. It's like when I get with a girl I make her the centre of everything and thus become too needy. It happened aswell in the only other relationship I've been in. Even though this current relationship has obviously run its course I still continue to write to her even though she barely replies and if she does reply she is aloof. I know deep down she's sick of me being insecure, jealous and needy and instead of having the balls to end it myself im waiting for her to do it. Anyway, I guess I just want to know how to stop this behaviour. I don't like being this way. Why do I always make any relationship the centre of my life?

Typer Monkey

I think rather than trying to solve this problem with more women, you should go and see a professional (councellor/therapist). You know the problem is your rampant insecurity, which you need to address. You'll never have a happy relationship while you're behaving like this. There's nothing less attractive than neediness and jealousy and it's really not fair to torment your girlfriends this way.

Get some help. You owe it to yourself

keysersoze0330

Typer Monkey wrote: »

I think rather than trying to solve this problem with more women, you should go and see a professional (councellor/therapist). You know the problem is your rampant insecurity, which you need to address. You'll never have a happy relationship while you're behaving like this. There's nothing less attractive than neediness and jealousy and it's really not fair to torment your girlfriends this way.

Get some help. You owe it to yourself

That's it in a nutshell.

professore

Why not try going out with a girl you're not very attracted to? You might find you'll be more relaxed and actually have a more normal relationship with her.

Typer Monkey

professore wrote: »

Why not try going out with a girl you're not very attracted to? You might find you'll be more relaxed and actually have a more normal relationship with her.

What?? And what about this poor 'unattractive' woman? She's a human being not therapy. This hypothetical woman deserves someone who is attracted to her and wants to be with her, not someone who's using her lack of attractiveness as a sticking plaster for his mental health issues.

He needs to sort himself out for him and his happiness long term, not make more woman miserable in the process

Diamond Doll

It's a good start that you recognise it as a problem which needs to be addressed.

First of all, how did you end up in a long-distance relationship? Has it always been long-distance from the start, or is it a case that one of you moved away after the start of the relationship? Long-distance relationships can be challenging in terms of trust and security in even the strongest of relationships. If you were aware of your own issues and still got into what you know would be a long-distance relationship, well it was always going to be disastrous!

I find it unusual that you tell us very little about this woman or about the relationship in general. It seems you're frustrated at yourself and determined to fix it for next time - most people in a failing relationship would be more focussed on salvaging or ending that relationship - they wouldn't even be thinking of possible future relationships down the line. Aren't you going to miss her? (And I mean her as a person, not missing the fact that you're in a relationship.)

How do you stop being so needy? By finding a compatible partner who you trust. If I were you, though, I wouldn't jump straight into another relationship any time soon. It could help if you work on finding new things to do in your spare time, maybe a new sport, spend more time with your friends/family, etc. If you keep all of this up when you're in a new relationship (whenever that might be), it'll hopefully mean that you're constantly thinking of your partner and wondering what she's doing etc. Take your time though.

And don't be too hard on yourself! You might be needy, but she doesn't exactly come across like a great person either, ignoring your messages and allowing the relationship to fizzle out rather than having the balls to just end it with you. You seem resigned to the relationship ending and you don't seem overly bothered by this, so why not just bite the bullet and end it now, today ... at least then you can move on with the rest of your life!

Are you happy with your own life? I'll be honest, I was like that a few years ago, but it was because I wasn't happy with what was going on in my own space and became fixated on the relationship for my happiness. That's not healthy, because it's when these problems happen.

So. You're in a long distance relationship; use the space to get your head together. Exercise more. Make more friends. Look at what is actively causing you to feel this way, because I'm sure you know what those are deep down, and fix them.

It might be a good idea to let this relationship go. And focus on yourself, because I don't think you're mentally fit for a distance relationship.

ohsoneedy15

ohsoneedy15 wrote: »

I don't really have anyone else to chat to and thus feel lonely.

Make friends. Have a life. THEN have a girlfriend.
The problem isn't this one issue it's overall
Get out there and chat to people and make friends and you'll naturally let go more

lazybones32

1. Break up with this girl/woman. You need to make the first move. Don't write her a novel explaining why, just give her a sentence or two.
2. Seek professional assistance: a counselor will help you get to the root of why you invest so much of yourself into a relationship. Stay away from psychotherapy...it's a racket aimed at rich people.

Don't diagnose via Internet or self-help books; you need the trained and experienced objectivity of a third party. It won't be an overnight change but it can only happen if you're willing.

Ave Sodalis

ohsoneedy15 wrote: »

Questions like that which are probably driving her crazy but I can't help myself

This right here stood out the most for me. Yes you can help yourself and you need to stop thinking you can't, right now. You can help yourself by simply not asking the questions and don't say it's not that simple, because it is. That at least, will give the girl breathing room while you sort out your own issues because at the end of the day, these are your issues and I think it's great that you've acknowledged that.

Next, as others have said, you need to get professional help in order to work through these issues if you can't manage it yourself. You won't be the first person to ever have insecurity problems, but you'll be miles ahead of many people who do just by acknowledging a problem exists and going to seek help.

Thirdly, go find a life outside of your girlfriend. Go get a hobby or two, make an effort with those at work, build on yourself before anyone else. A relationship is not the centre of your life or anyone elses, it's like an extra bonus. The centre of your life is you and whatever you make of it. Whether you need to break up with your girlfriend in order to find yourself, I can't say but it might be easier to find a life outside of your relationships when you're not in a relationship. When you weren't with this girl, what did you do? Did you spend your whole time trying to find a relationship?

HelgaWard

Sometimes you have to go backwards to go forwards!! If you decided not to contact her by text/instant message or any similar format it might help? Sometimes I think we communicate too much these days. If ye arranged to talk by phone once a day, catch up on how each others day was, what's happening tomorrow, it might help you stop obsessing about what's she is up to every minute of the day, you know you'll talk to her later and see how her day was then!

blatantrereg

I'd rule out long distance relationships if I were you. They can be a headwreck for the most level-headed of people.

Agree that you would benefit from focusing on developing other aspects of your life. You invest yourself disproportionately in relationships. Don't rush into things. Focus on respect and self-control.

Augme

It seems to be that the only reason you latch onto to women like this is because they are one of the few sources of happiness. When I got out of a long-term relationship and started dating again I quickly realised I needed to be happy being single because otherwise it was just going to be a bad idea getting involved with people until that happened.