Uncomfortable with guy at work

LegacyUser

I'm not sure if I should make a big deal of this or not.

There's this guy at work and he's started to make me very uncomfortable even though he isn't really doing anything. It's just that anytime I come a room or he comes into a room, he kind of stares at me. As in that his eyes will lock on and follow me as I move. He never says or does anything. Just stares and it's a bit creepy.

He's really quiet, I've never said more than two words to him and he's never outright done anything inappropriate but it does make me very uncomfortable.

Is there anything I could do to get someone to make him stop or would I just be laughed at?

CaraMay

Next time he does it ask him if you can help him. Would he maybe fancy you and it's his crude way of showing it

frostyjacks

It doesn't sound like a big deal to me. Maybe gently ask other women in work how they find him, without painting a bad picture of him. You don't want to start a whispering campaign.

R.D. aka MR.D

Stare back at him. So if you see him staring at you don't look away. Just hold eye contact as you move. It will make him uncomfortable and if that doesn't stop him ask him if he's alright. If he's staring at you, then he knows he's in the wrong. Maybe he thinks you don't notice.

Rubberchikken

is he there a while? you say you haven't spoken to him much, so is he new or are you?
ask around quietly what others think. maybe the guy is doing it without realising it. could be any number of reasons.
mentioning it to a few others in a casual way will help get an idea of things.

MagicMarker

Are you sure he's actually starting at you? If you're not looking at him directly then how can you be certain he's looking at you?

zoobizoo

Maybe he thinks you're attractive... There are some people who are that attractive that you just want to stare at them... there are other people who just have really interesting faces - and as MM said, you can only know he's looking at you if you're looking at him. Maybe he's wondering the same thing.

Do not say it to anyone...

I've seen women tell other women that "that guy gives me the creeps" and then it turns very quickly into that person being singled out and it can turn ugly for the guy - who is guilty of nothing other than looking at something.

I would suggest breaking the ice with him .

You've said he's quiet - lots of people are quiet and don't know how to start chats with people they don't really know. And it's worse if that has gone on for some time.

Sounds just like a lot of awkwardness that could easily be addressed

LegacyUser

Decided to go unregistered for this. When I started college there was a group of girls who were apparently creeped out by my face/eyes because of the way I apparently looked at them. They thought I waw some kind of creepy stalker or something that wanted them. I had zero interest in them because I was gay. Well back to the girls who were creeped out by me. I never looked at them on purpose. I probably did say hi to them a couple of times at the start of the year and that was about it. Well eventually I heard the stuff they were saying about me and it really hurt. It really effected my self confidence with either people I knew or people in the street. I actually did think I was odd because of these women. I eventually came to the conclusion there was nothing wrong with me.
Well what I'm basically saying is be careful how you approach this guy and what you say to people about him. He might have a crush on you or he might not even be looking at you. He might also be saying to himself why is that girl constantly staring at me because if you know he's staring at you. You must be starting at him. At the moment I see no real issue to be alarmed. Obviously of it escalates you'd be in a different situation.

magicmushroom

He probably fancies you - I think you're overreacting to be honest.

Don't talk to anyone else about it. You'll only start a campaign against him, even if unintentional. It's hard enough being new to a place without someone misinterpreting his looking at you.

mada82

I'd say he fancies you and doesn't realise you can see him.

Or he's a weirdo.

meeeeh

I have the opposite advice. Talk to someone you trust and just and ask them to keep an eye on him. If need be someone might have a word with him.

An employee working for my parents did that. Every time I would walk past ge would give me weird looks, say something creepy. He also talked about me how great and so on I am to his wife and my father. I was very uncomfortable around him and honestly scared of him. He was not great with others but he was basically infatuated with me. I was never as happy for anyone to leave as him.

Another man followed me in the woods when I was walking the dogs and tried to give me money for make up. The other one was waiting at the house for me and I found him peering in through main door when I came out through back entrance to put the car into garage. I screamed and mum dealt with it . My parents spoke to his family and they kept him away. He had some mental disorders and tended to do that a lot.

Of all three men only the first one truly scared me and 15 years later I would be still afraid of him. Don't go to hr all guns blazing but you should rely on your gut instinct and try to find out a bit more about him.

mada82

meeeeh wrote: »

I have the opposite advice. Talk to someone you trust and just and ask them to keep an eye on him. If need be someone might have a word with him.

An employee working for my parents did that. Every time I would walk past ge would give me weird looks, say something creepy. He also talked about me how great and so on I am to his wife and my father. I was very uncomfortable around him and honestly scared of him. He was not great with others but he was basically infatuated with me. I was never as happy for anyone to leave as him.

Another man followed me in the woods when I was walking the dogs and tried to give me money for make up. The other one was waiting at the house for me and I found him peering in through main door when I came out through back entrance to put the car into garage. I screamed and mum dealt with it . My parents spoke to his family and they kept him away. He had some mental disorders and tended to do that a lot.

Of all three men only the first one truly scared me and 15 years later I would be still afraid of him. Don't go to hr all guns blazing but you should rely on your gut instinct and try to find out a bit more about him.

Sounds like a completely different situation.

meeeeh

It does not. I can't explain but sometimes just how someone looks at you can really be creepy. (And btw I don't usually get scared. There were 20 other men there, most of them in their twenties and single, I had no problem dealing with them).

I am not saying it is anything but if someone makes you uncomfortable you shouldn't just ignore it. I would at least try to find second opinion.

P. Breathnach

I'm inclined towards the view that he might fancy you, but could be too shy to approach you.

Find an excuse or a reason to say a few words to him, preferably neutral stuff - work-related would be best. You might be able to transition to a normal work colleague relationship.

HardenendMan

I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Don't think of him as a creepy perv, because you will convince yourself of this. And the poor chap is probably harmless. If a bit socially quirky. So what.

Do not tell anyone about it. Assume it's just a quirky trait. Or be flattered that you are worth looking at!

Why don't you say hello and engage in a conversation?

Teyla Emmagan

I would ask other people how they find him, specifically other women your own age. He could be the office creep, and you will feel much better for knowing that. We had one of these in a place I worked once. He just had no social skills, and was always making utterly inappropriate comments ("your arms, they are flabby and untoned, I will help you fix them", "do you shave, I hate the hairy women" and other mad stuff). But everyone knew and the consensus was that he was harmless, so people got a laugh out of it (nearly everyone anyway, I thought he should be let go immediately). But he might not be just a bit of a creep. I would suss out how other people feel about him first. And if they all think he's okay, just make a joke of it and go up to him one day and say something like 'do you know me from somewhere, I feel like you're always looking at me', or whatever.

Anyway, I get where you are coming from.

Detached Retina

Maybe quite shortsighted (ignoring it), trying to focus and genuinely doesn't realize it's creeping you out? Just throwing it out there.:)

beks101

I'd be in the 'Stare him out of it' camp.

I had some creepy older man staring at my chest on the tube today, I stared him square in the face and when he kept staring back I just raised my eyebrows in a 'wtf?" kind of way. He stopped after that but proceeded to glance over every few minutes and I just rinsed and repeated, mouthing 'what?' the next time.

It's basically a way of using your body language to call him on it, without actually calling him on it.

Robsweezie

What i would say is be tactful and mind how you discuss him with others , with too many people involved it could may well become a bullying situation in which the guy is isolated and made to feel unwelcome , all because word got around that he's the "office creep". That kind of toxic, persona non grata work environment is not good for anyone.Maybe try and make small talk, get to know him and his intentions won't seem as dubious. Perhaps he's just shy, an observant type who's just looking around to figure you all out. Just don't spread **** around about him without getting a bigger picture of him first, don't spread anything at all, only if it's positive.You'll feel stupid and sorry if he turns out to be a normal chap. Be decent about it, avoid gossip or bitching. You likely won't forgive yourself knowing you instigated potential bullying. Just give him one chance OP. Good luck.

jimmycrackcorm

OP, Just go up to him and ask him what is going on. Be direct and tell him you are uncomfortable about him staring at you and ask why. The simplest and most logical answer is that he fancies you, and is that so bad?

So many problems because of a simple lack of communication.

LegacyUser

Robsweezie wrote: »

What i would say is be tactful and mind how you discuss him with others, with too many people involved it could may well become a bullying situation in which the guy is isolated and made to feel unwelcome, all because word got around that he's the "office creep". That kind of toxic, persona non grata work environment is not good for anyone.Maybe try and make small talk, get to know him and his intentions won't seem as dubious. Perhaps he's just shy, an observant type who's just looking around to figure you all out. Just don't spread **** around about him without getting a bigger picture of him first, don't spread anything at all, only if it's positive.You'll feel stupid and sorry if he turns out to be a normal chap. Be decent about it, avoid gossip or bitching. You likely won't forgive yourself knowing you instigated potential bullying. Just give him one chance OP. Good luck.

Totally agree with this. Be very careful how you deal with this, you could ruin a totally innocent guy with idle talk.

I think you need to talk to him before you make any judgements. I used to sit beside a doorway onto a large floor (and I'm female), but I just found myself annoyingly distracted by people coming and going in my line of vision all the time, and I'd look up at people.

Maybe he's a creep, maybe he doesn't like you, maybe he fancies you, maybe he looks at whoever is around, maybe he's easily distracted, maybe he's bored and tries to look around him if someone is coming or going. You just don't know until you talk to him, and I think it would be a horrible thing to brand him as the office creep - or start conversations with others as to whether they find him creepy - until you've at least given him a chance, which you haven't done so far.

TBH I still think that you shouldn't approach anyone else about this just yet, because, to me, staring idly isn't a sign of creepiness per se. I mean, there are numerous reasons as to why he could be. The simple act of talking to others will get them wondering why, discussing it with others. This might come across as whatever, but gossip spreads extremely fast, more so in a working environment. If he keeps continuing with making you feel creeped out, approach your HR department and have a chat with them about it. Chances are that if anyone else felt the same, they'll have done similar.

Pawwed Rig

What we are discussing here is whether the OP should destroy someones reputation because she feels a little bit uncomfortable. Looking at someone is nothing. Maybe he is interested in people, maybe he is just thinking about something and staring into space, maybe it is an unconcious habit. In fact there are a hundred things it could be assuming it is not in the OPs mind (as some have pointed out she must be looking back)

ScareyNiceGuy

I'm experiencing the same issue as the OP but from the complete opposite side.

I recently started a new office job and I'm on the end of a row of desks with foot traffic going past me. I think I'm creeping out one of the women who sits in front of me because when I'm bored and staring into space my eyes tend to focus on whatever is moving in my field of vision.

The woman has caught me looking at her a few times now, although I'm rarely actually looking at her, see's just in my line of sight and moving. I'm afraid I'm coming across as a real creep and anything I could think to say to her about this could only make it seem worse in my mind. She is quite attractive too, so this may be why she thinks I'm staring at her.

To complete the creepiness, I'm overweight, socially awkward and genuinely ugly(I've made piece with this unavoidable fact of life, don't worry).

I don't think there is anything I can do to improve my situation but I just wanted to say that not all of the creepy people out there are creeps.

metamorphosis

I stare through people and not at them. I just get lost in my own head.

He could be staring through you, interested in people, stare at everyone and you are not in anyway unique to him, or he may fancy you.

Maybe if you engage in hello and a chit chat, you might see there is nothing to it. Talking to people in work on this however, is a dangerous move as you may very well serve to hurt and destroy an innocent person.

Chemical Byrne

metamorphosis wrote: »

I stare through people and not at them. I just get lost in my own head.

He could be staring through you, interested in people, stare at everyone and you are not in anyway unique to him, or he may fancy you.

Maybe if you engage in hello and a chit chat, you might see there is nothing to it. Talking to people in work on this however, is a dangerous move as you may very well serve to hurt and destroy an innocent person.

But he's not innocent. He's leering at her in an intimidating manner.

zoobizoo

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

But he's not innocent. He's leering at her in an intimidating manner.

(a) how can you say someone is "not innocent" and
(b) that he is "leering" in
(c) "an intimidating manner" ?

.....when you have not witnessed what has occurred?

Faith

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

But he's not innocent. He's leering at her in an intimidating manner.

Where exactly did you get that information from?

meeeeh

In the same place as those who say he is harmless. Because women are always just imagining things.

mikemac1

I've been the guy in the OPs post.

Last summer I sat on my own in an open plan office. I was by the corridor so if I even glanced up from my monitor I would be staring down the corridor. Yeah I caught the eyeof some girls a few times as they walked towards me but sure that can't be helped. I also chatted and had the banter with teammates as they stopped by

But anyway by the end of the summer two interns were gossiping that I was the office creep. The fact that I'm socially awkward didn't help.

OP you can destroy a guys reputation if you start talking around.

The guy finds you attractive and wortj a second look, be flattered. He has never done any wrong against you. You can bring a friend and chat to him about a work topic if you like. You'll probably find a decent shy lad

freshpopcorn

meeeeh wrote: »

In the same place as those who say he is harmless. Because women are always just imagining things.

Your situation was different because the guy was making comments to you when he walked past another guy followed you into a wooded area to give you money for make up and another guy was waiting outside your house and peering in through the letter box.
These situations are different to someone who thinks someone is staring at them when they've no proof.

meeeeh

The first guy was making me increasingly uncomfortable. At first it was just starting and saying hello. But that doesn't mean I didn't feel uncomfortable from the beginning.