Should we mind if EX WIFE keeps surname?

mangotracy

I just started this for interest really, as there seem to be quite a few views on it.

My partner has been separated from his wife for 10 years - and will divorce her this year. She still keeps his surname and is unlikely to change.

Personally, I know there are lots of 'practical' reasons not to change - but it does seem very much like hanging on to the past.

She has had a boyfriend for 5 years and I wonder how he feels?

I have heard of some people not changing it even when they married again - if I were a man I would feel a bit gutted my wife had another man's name.

I also have a couple of friends who secretly admitted to me they partly like to hang on to their names as they know it rankles the new wife.

Any thoughts?

Taltos

[Mod Note]
OP, as this issue does not relate to a query in relation to your separation or divorce and more pertains to your relationship with your OH and by proxy his ex I am moving this to a more appropriate forum.
For anyone who has followed this thread across please read the local charter, it has no tolerance for muppetry. Also please note this is now an advice forum, it is not a general discussion forum.

Taltos

daisybelle2008

mangotracy wrote: »

I just started this for interest really, as there seem to be quite a few views on it.

My partner has been separated from his wife for 10 years - and will divorce her this year. She still keeps his surname and is unlikely to change.

Personally, I know there are lots of 'practical' reasons not to change - but it does seem very much like hanging on to the past.

She has had a boyfriend for 5 years and I wonder how he feels?

I have heard of some people not changing it even when they married again - if I were a man I would feel a bit gutted my wife had another man's name.

I also have a couple of friends who secretly admitted to me they partly like to hang on to their names as they know it rankles the new wife.

Any thoughts?

I don't think it matters. It appears to bother you, as it's not something she is likely to change I'd say forget it, enjoy your relationship, this should not be an issue. how her boyfriend feels is not your concern.

If she's been known personally and professionally by that name for a long time then it would probably be too much hassle to change it. She's gotten used to it and it doesn't affect you, so there's no reason why you would give it any thought at all. Likewise if they have kids, she probably wants a name in common with them, it's hardly unreasonable.

Of course it's possible she's trying to rankle you, and if thats so she's obviously succeeding since you're soliciting opinions on a forum, but I can't for the life of me figure out what someone elses choice of name has to do with you or how it can possibly make any difference to your life.

Annasopra

I dont see any issue at all really.

Addle

Does she have children with her ex?
Then it's very understandable that she'd want to have the same name as them.

MagicMarker

Why go to all that trouble? My parents were married for over 20 years, they've been separated almost 20 and since divorced, my mum still has the same name, my dad has since remarried.

Frankly, no one cares.

retro:electro

I thought this thread was going to be a man posting about his ex keeping his surname. Its her name and her identity, I don't really get why it's any of your business? Don't be so precious as to think she's keeping it to piss you off.

LegacyUser

Not seeing the issue. Her current boyfriend met her and knows her as 'Mary Surname' and most likely doesn't view it as 'another mans name' but just her name. Wouldn't bother me the least. Anyone can go down and change their name by deed poll but even if you don't go by legal channels you can just start using a name and people will start calling you that.

Sounds like it is an issue for you OP. Do you think it makes it less important if you marry and become Mrs. Surname it's not as special if there's another Ms. Surname out there? Not much you can do about to be honest. She's always going to be his ex-wife wither she changes her name again or not.

njs030

If they have children together then it makes more sense for her to keep the same name as her children, or as said above if she's used it for 10+ years for personal and professional reasons it would be odd to change it.

Your friends sound very vindictive to be intentionally trying to upset their ex's new partner, it sounds very unhealthy that they care so much about his new relationship!

At the end of the day an ex is the past and while an ex wife might have legal ties the important part of a relationship is the emotional and physical bit- which is what he shares with you.

mangotracy

Fair enough, I just thought it would be interesting to see what you all thought. It seems everyone is in agreement that it is something they wouldn't feel threatened or mean anything by.

If I took a man's name in marriage I think keeping it would mean something for me - the attachment was still there in some form. But that is probably just me.

Merkin

Cheryl Cole wasn't ever really going to go back to Cheryl Tweedy was she? I really wouldn't worry about it, it's fairly commonplace, especially when kids are involved.

vertmann

I took the liberty of looking at your post history and there's more baggage relating to this relationship and the ex wife than there is in the luggage hold of your average bus. If you weren't so insecure about your partner's past (I hope) behavior and that ex of his, would you really care what she called herself?

trio

Demi Moore, Susan Sarandon, Faith Hill, Raquel Welch, Tina Turner, Joni Mitchell........all kept the names of their ex husbands.

Certainly doesn't mean they're not letting go!

njs030

mangotracy wrote: »

Fair enough, I just thought it would be interesting to see what you all thought. It seems everyone is in agreement that it is something they wouldn't feel threatened or mean anything by.

If I took a man's name in marriage I think keeping it would mean something for me - the attachment was still there in some form. But that is probably just me.

Maybe the attachment is still there, or maybe she prefers her married name, or maybe she never got round to changing it. Or as has been stated a few times (which you didn't reply to) if they have children it's likely she wants to keep the same name as her children.

Can I ask why it matters to you op? I mean this nicely but it's none of your business, it's irrelevant if you like or dislike it because it's her decision and she can't be forced to change it. Even if a million people agreed with you she still can make her own choice.

I think when you choose to enter a relationship with someone who has baggage from their past you'll find a lot of things have to be accepted or ignored to make your own life easier and keep your sanity and this is one of them.

Edited to add that I've seen from your previous posts that they have children together. I think it's pretty obvious shes keeping the name she shares with her children for that reason and to expect her to change it is quite unreasonable!!

mangotracy

vertmann wrote: »

I took the liberty of looking at your post history and there's more baggage relating to this relationship and the ex wife than there is in the luggage hold of your average bus. If you weren't so insecure about your partner's past (I hope) behavior and that ex of his, would you really care what she called herself?

I know it's pretty ridiculous the amount of baggage I've taken on. That is probably true - I'm probably a bit sunk with it all and focusing on the wrong things. I should be secure enough not to care.

Good point!

Annasopra

mangotracy wrote: »

Fair enough, I just thought it would be interesting to see what you all thought. It seems everyone is in agreement that it is something they wouldn't feel threatened or mean anything by.

If I took a man's name in marriage I think keeping it would mean something for me - the attachment was still there in some form. But that is probably just me.

But it's now her name. It has been for years!

iusedtoknow

a name is a name tbh.

If she went to the hassle of changing it already with banks/passports and work as well as there being kids around, she may as well keep it. Once they're divorced, all ties are severed and she'll be just the same as anyone else that happened to have the same surname.

Neyite

The way I see it, divorced or not, she's still extended family to your husband, by virtue of the kids they share. To me, its no different to his cousin having the same name as him.

But it rankles with you enough for you to open up a thread on it. Why do you feel so threatened by her?

Neyite

Ah, ok, I see now.

Are you jealous maybe? Jealous that he married her, gave her his surname, that she got the big day with him, but in all the years together, hasn't proposed to you?

You are bound to be insecure with someone who was emotionally cheating on you your entire relationship, and was not remotely invested in making it work with you when you were ready to split last year. Evidently you got over that rough patch and stayed together, but I'm wondering how low your self esteem is. All you do is give give give. You bust your arse being the brilliant girlfriend to a guy who takes you totally for granted, cheats on you, lets his kids walk all over you, and he does that because he knows no matter how much crap he throws at you, you aren't going anywhere. I learned the hard way that despite best efforts, a person can't make a relationship work on their own. It takes two people putting in the effort.

You being insecure about his ex wife is because you know he loved her enough at one point to commit to her, respected and valued her enough to marry her and have children with her. But not with you. The problem with bending over backwards to meet the needs of someone selfish, is that they get a kick out of how little respect you have for yourself when you do it, and ultimately they get to the point where they don't respect or value you either. Why would they, when you don't? Then to further expand on that, why would anyone marry someone they don't respect or value? You have a lot of love to give, it seems. You are just wasting it on the wrong person.

Jamaican Me Crazy

My sister is separated 10+ years and divorced 3 years and still has her husbands name. She wants to have the same name as her child. What's the big deal.

You are in a relationship with your OH, his ex is in a new relationship, who cares what names people are using.

MrWalsh

Couldnt care less personally.

I have to step back and wonder why this is bothering you? Much as it pains me to say it, its not all about you. I really dont mean that to sound mean. But seriously, do you think someone would be keeping their married name for years after the marriage was over, just to annoy potential new partners of the ex husband? And even if that was true - would that not just make you pity the person for doing something so silly? Why would you care one way or the other anyway? Youre with him, no matter what her name is.

Contessa Raven

My parents are divorced and my father has since remarried. My mother is still single but she has kept my father's name. I asked her a few years ago why she never changed it back (her siblings and friends from before she was married all call her by her maiden name anyway) and she said why would she? She was 'Mary Jones' for longer than she was ever 'Mary Smith' and the hassle of changing everything seems silly. Plus she didn't want to have a different name to me.

I wouldn't read into it too much. A lot of people don't bother changing their names due to the effort of getting official things changed and others don't think their name is that important to get worked up over. I wouldn't see it as a threat.