advice needed ladies

musiclady904

Hi im a 25 year old single female who has become obsessed eith my ex, he broke it of with me over 3 years ago and until recently I thought I had no feelings for him but how wrong was I!!! I was devastated when he ended it and told myself I didnt need him, I even rejected him when he tried to get back with me because I was afraid of getting hurt again. With all that's gone on im my life over past year I have realised I still love him dearly, I know he loves me because he told me so when trying to get back with me, I know he only finished with me because he was depressed and was afraid to tell me as he thought I'd look down on him for that (his sister told me so last year) he has a girlfriend now and a little baby, here is where I need help, should I tell him how I feel? Has anyone been in this type of predicament and what was the outcome? Any advice would be so great fully appreciated.

IvyTheTerrible

MOD, I've moved this thread over to Relationship Issues as I feel it's more suited to that forum. Please have a read of the Relationship Issues charter. Thanks.

Penny Tration

Edit because I didn't fully read the post, sorry!

Ah dear, he has a family. He can't have both you and his family.

Don't say a word. Cut contact, remove him from your life and move on.

He has a family, I'm sorry OP, but you need to keep your feelings to yourself on this one. If for some other reason he breaks up with his girlfriend, then by all means let him know you still love him, but while he is in a relationship - keep well away.

Mr. Incognito

You had your chance. You blew it.

He has a gf and a baby. Delete him from your life. You only want what you cant have.

I know this is relatively standard advice, but I'd say to go to a counselor, because if you are as obsessed and infatuated as you claim, then when the realization finally strikes that you can't have him, it might send you into another spiral. It might not, but talking to someone would really help. He tried to take you back, you said no, he found someone else and now he has a family. There's nothing you can and especially nothing you SHOULD do.

tinkerbell

Things ended 3 years ago. He has clearly moved on as he now has a family. You had your chance to get back with him but you turned him down so OP you need to move on too. Your post is a bit strange tbh - you say you know he still loves you as he told you when he tried to get back with you and then in the next sentence you said "but now he has a gf and baby". That to me suggest he tried to get back with you a long time ago, not recently. Is that correct? If so, then he clearly doesn't love you.

Sorry to be blunt but you need to hear it if you've become "obsessed" as you say, with him. I would also suggest that you seek some counselling as broken up for 3 years and still obsessing over him is not normal, nor is it healthy.

MissFlitworth

Keep away, the first year of being parents can be really hard on a couple. Don't be *that* person, hovering at the edges and trying to take advantage. You should also be looking at a sudden revelation that you are 'deeply in love' with him after years of having no feelings at all with deep suspicion. Any chance you've been very unhappy yourself the last while and are looking back on a period of your life that was better?

Meauldsegosha

OP did you only realise you loved him when you found out he hand a girlfriend and a baby? Why after three years the sudden realisation you love him. You say he knows be still loves you but when did he tell you that? Was it before he met his girlfriend and had a baby?

kylith

You missed your chance, I'm afraid. Telling him how you feel now will make you That Woman making a move on a man with a girlfriend and a baby. You'll just have to suck it up and move on.

frostyjacks

If I could play devil's advocate, this guy isn't married or even engaged to the mother of his child. So he can't love her that much. What's the worst that could happen if you told him how you feel? Maybe if he rejected you after that it would bring closure on everything, instead of you wondering what might have been.

frostyjacks

frostyjacks wrote: »

If I could play devil's advocate, this guy isn't married or even engaged to the mother of his child. So he can't love her that much. What's the worst that could happen if you told him how you feel? Maybe if he rejected you after that it would bring closure on everything, instead of you wondering what might have been.

I'm sorry. But what? They're not married so he doesn't love her that much? What an incredibly silly and offensive thing to say.

frostyjacks

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I'm sorry. But what? They're not married so he doesn't love her that much? What an incredibly silly and offensive thing to say.

Marriage is the ultimate expression of love. Do you know what a devil's advocate is? I'm trying to look at this from a different angle. My initial reaction was to say "Leave him be", but then I'm thinking, this is a boyfriend -girlfriend relationship, not husband - wife. They haven't taken vows with each other. Maybe it's better for the OP to let her feelings be known instead of bottling them up.

frostyjacks

frostyjacks wrote: »

Marriage is the ultimate expression of love. Do you know what a devil's advocate is? I'm trying to look at this from a different angle. My initial reaction was to say "Leave him be", but then I'm thinking, this is a boyfriend -girlfriend relationship, not husband - wife. They haven't taken vows with each other. Maybe it's better for the OP to let her feelings be known instead of bottling them up.

No it's not. You know what is the ultimate expression of love? By being in love. Couples are holding off getting married more and more, or else they're waiting until later in life. The fact that they're married doesn't mean they're not in love, like how you seem to think. And just because you're trying to be devil's advocate doesn't mean you're not being incredibly offensive to the couples that do not want to get married.

njs030

frostyjacks wrote: »

Marriage is the ultimate expression of love. Do you know what a devil's advocate is? I'm trying to look at this from a different angle. My initial reaction was to say "Leave him be", but then I'm thinking, this is a boyfriend -girlfriend relationship, not husband - wife. They haven't taken vows with each other. Maybe it's better for the OP to let her feelings be known instead of bottling them up.

That's a very naive thing to say. Plenty of people get married for the wrong reasons and plenty don't feel a need to have a party and a piece of paper to prove their love Neither is "right".
Love is about being with someone day to day through the good andbad and sticking it out.

I would think having a child with the woman shows a bigger commitment than a marriage license!!

Op as someone else said don't be the woman who tries to muscle in on someone else's relationship.
It sounds like you haven't met anyone better and are looking back with rose tinted glasses, do the right thing and walk away.

LegacyUser

Hey OP.

I know, all too well, how unrequited love feels, or worse, when you know the other person loves you but life has somehow intervened. Maybe he still loves you, maybe he doesn't. It doesn't make your feelings any less valid.

I'd also ignore people who say you shouldn't still have feelings. If art teaches us anything it's that humans are capable of holding onto unrequited love for years, decades, lifetimes. We cannot choose how we feel. We cannot wake up and turn our feelings off.

However, all that said, I think you need to move on, as best you can. He has built a new life, and if a child wasn't involved I might say "go for it" but there is a child involved. Do you really want to be the one who breaks up a family unit? Are you even ready to co-parent his child? Are you ready to spend the next 20 years interacting with his current partner if you make her his ex?

If we cannot choose how we feel, we can choose how we act. You can choose to cut contact with him. You can choose to fill your life with other people, other activities. Day by day your feelings for him will slowly change. You will probably always keep a part of your heart for him but you have an infinite capacity to make space in your heart for new loves. But only if you let it. Do not contact him, don't creep on his facebook, don't put yourself in places that remind you of him. Put him out of your life and slowly he will be out of your mind.

I've been there, just so you know. And it was awful. And yes, I still love her but I think I understand now how I can love her, and love my current partner and wish my ex nothing but joy in her life while I look forward to building a life full of joy with my current partner. I really hope my ex is happy and I work every day to make sure my current partner is happy. I'm sure I'll still have days of "what-ifs" and days when I miss her but I have so many great days with my current partner too.

Love, by the way, isn't just a feeling, it is an action. You show people you love them. You say a lot has gone on in your life, maybe it's time you were kind to yourself and let yourself move on a bit? Unrequited love is a downer but something great could be around the corner.

meeeeh

OP are you sure you didn't realize he has a little family and thought to yourself "that could be me". Loneliness or unhappiness can make people who are completely wrong for us attractive again. I'm not sure he is that reliable anyway because there seems to be very narrow timeframe from declaring his love to you and having a baby with another woman.

Stay away, that kind of drama works in movies and never in real life.

frostyjacks

[Deleted User] wrote: »

No it's not. You know what is the ultimate expression of love? By being in love. Couples are holding off getting married more and more, or else they're waiting until later in life. The fact that they're married doesn't mean they're not in love, like how you seem to think. And just because you're trying to be devil's advocate doesn't mean you're not being incredibly offensive to the couples that do not want to get married.

I'm not making generalisations. I'm talking about this specific couple, so take off your offended hat. All we've been told is that they're boyfriend and girlfriend. Maybe they don't believe in marriage, maybe he's proposed and she wants to wait a while. We don't know. But why spend the rest of your days wondering what might have been? Sometimes it's better to regret something you have done than something you haven't.

njs030

IthinkIcanseehowyourepinned wrote: »

And yes, I still love her but I think I understand now how I can love her, and love my current partner

I'm sure I'll still have days of "what-ifs" and days when I miss her......

I think these two statements are the saddest I've ever read on boards and that's saying something.
I don't think there's a man/woman in the world that would want to be with someone who still loves their ex and thinks it's ok to have days when they miss them.

Op please dont listen to this, it's not at all ok to make do with someone else while missing a previous relationship and stating that they still love the ex. No one should have to share!

ShaShaBear

frostyjacks wrote: »

I'm not making generalisations. I'm talking about this specific couple, so take off your offended hat. All we've been told is that they're boyfriend and girlfriend. Maybe they don't believe in marriage, maybe he's proposed and she wants to wait a while. We don't know. But why spend the rest of your days wondering what might have been? Sometimes it's better to regret something you have done than something you haven't.

Your feelings three years after rejecting a man are not a sufficient excuse to attempt to break up a family, irrespective of the legal or romantic ties the couple in question have.

frostyjacks

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Your feelings three years after rejecting a man are not a sufficient excuse to attempt to break up a family, irrespective of the legal or romantic ties the couple in question have.

To deny your own feelings like that, keeping them all bottled up, can't be healthy. What harm would it do just to get it off one's chest? To tell him how you feel and see if he feels the same? The worst that could happen would he lets you down gently. At least then you would know for sure that it's never going to happen, instead of this big question mark hanging over you.

The legal or romantic ties this couple have do matter. At the minute, they don't have a legal tie. If he was married, would an ex still be harbouring such strong feelings for him? I doubt it. Some people think marriage is just a piece of paper, but it's much more than that. It's a commitment, and this guy hasn't made it yet. That's why there's no harm in seeing if he feels the same way.

musiclady904

Thanks for all advice guys and girls, to thise asking did I know about his family before I realised I loved him the answer is no we live in different counties and ive had no contact with him in over 2 years, my feelings for him became clear after a failed relationship with a lovely guy who was mad about me but I couldn't get close to him because of the love for my ex and one more thing my feelings or anyone's feelings should not be bottled up it causes more pain hence why im in the situation

celligraphy

musiclady904 wrote:

Thanks for all advice guys and girls, to thise asking did I know about his family before I realised I loved him the answer is no we live in different counties and ive had no contact with him in over 2 years, my feelings for him became clear after a failed relationship with a lovely guy who was mad about me but I couldn't get close to him because of the love for my ex and one more thing my feelings or anyone's feelings should not be bottled up it causes more pain hence why im in the situation

Sorry but if you have had no contact with him in the last two years what makes you think he even care's about you never mind love you? I'm sorry to be harsh but move on he has a family now , things have changed and you must too

taxus_baccata

2 years is a long time especially in your twenties. I went through a similar thing many years ago now, couldn't get over my ex, thought he was the one...well he wasn't. It wasnt until I decided who I was and prioritised me, did I finally move on.

I remember shortly after that bumping into my ex, we exchanged plsentaries and said goodbye. As I walked away I fondly remembered the time we spent together but realised that they were just that, nice memories, but not my future.

Build your own future op. You are a different person to two years ago and believe me he is too. He has a child now. As much as I think I'm the same person I was before I became a mother, I'm not, my values, interests and outlook on life have changed. Don't mean to sound harsh but you are living in the past and in love with a memory. Take control of your own destiny, believe me there are plenty more fish in the sea.

frostyjacks

frostyjacks wrote: »

I'm not making generalisations. I'm talking about this specific couple, so take off your offended hat. All we've been told is that they're boyfriend and girlfriend. Maybe they don't believe in marriage, maybe he's proposed and she wants to wait a while. We don't know. But why spend the rest of your days wondering what might have been? Sometimes it's better to regret something you have done than something you haven't.

Do you know the couple involved? If not, you most certainly are making generalisations. I just find it horrible that you are telling someone to essentially muscle their way into a relationship, where, for all you know, they are absolutely happily in love. And they have a child. Do you really want the OP to break up that dynamic just because of some obsession she has? And it is offensive, because you've said that couples that aren't married don't love each other.

OP, you had a chance. You blew it. Find someone else to invest in and leave this poor man alone. Move on.

musiclady904 wrote: »

Thanks for all advice guys and girls, to thise asking did I know about his family before I realised I loved him the answer is no we live in different counties and ive had no contact with him in over 2 years, my feelings for him became clear after a failed relationship with a lovely guy who was mad about me but I couldn't get close to him because of the love for my ex and one more thing my feelings or anyone's feelings should not be bottled up it causes more pain hence why im in the situation

I don't think you love him, not in the way you think. I wager that your previous relationship ended not because of how you feel about your ex, but maybe because of how the breakup made you feel. You mentioned it was a bad one, so is it possible that you were afraid of it happening again? I don't know you, so I could be a million miles off the mark. But when that relationship ended, you thought back to when you were last comfortable in a relationship, which was this one, and this turned to love in your mind.

Again, I could be far off the mark.

frostyjacks

I'm being neither horrible nor offensive. The OP looked for advice on her situation, and this is a discussion forum. The facts are she's bottling these feelings up, and that's not healthy. It's better to get these things off your chest. And it would take two to break up the other relationship, nobody would be forcing the man to leave his girlfriend. If he truly loved her there's only one way of finding out.

Neyite

Mod:

A reminder, this is an advice forum, not a discussion forum. Please keep your replies addressed to the OP and refrain from derailing their thread.

tinkerbell

musiclady904 wrote: »

Thanks for all advice guys and girls, to thise asking did I know about his family before I realised I loved him the answer is no we live in different counties and ive had no contact with him in over 2 years, my feelings for him became clear after a failed relationship with a lovely guy who was mad about me but I couldn't get close to him because of the love for my ex and one more thing my feelings or anyone's feelings should not be bottled up it causes more pain hence why im in the situation

So you haven't seen him for two years and you claim he loves you? Seriously OP, you need to get over it. You are being really delusional if you think he's in love with you and you have a chance if you tell him. He has a family now and has clearly moved on. Don't embarrass yourself by throwing yourself at him. He doesn't want to be with you anymore. Sorry.

Ethel

musiclady904 wrote: »

Hi im a 25 year old single female who has become obsessed eith my ex, he broke it of with me over 3 years ago and until recently I thought I had no feelings for him but how wrong was I!!! I was devastated when he ended it and told myself I didnt need him, I even rejected him when he tried to get back with me because I was afraid of getting hurt again. With all that's gone on im my life over past year I have realised I still love him dearly, I know he loves me because he told me so when trying to get back with me, I know he only finished with me because he was depressed and was afraid to tell me as he thought I'd look down on him for that (his sister told me so last year) he has a girlfriend now and a little baby, here is where I need help, should I tell him how I feel? Has anyone been in this type of predicament and what was the outcome? Any advice would be so great fully appreciated.

I think you're confused. Would you consider some counselling? I think you need to unknot your feelings towards him, and this is why it has resurfaced. You're giving yourself a hard time here, and I wouldn't have used the words obsessed surely. I think learning of his situation has left you a little shocked, probably wondering what could have been.

If you do go chat with someone about this they may be able to help you deal with those feelings and close the chapter. Because that IS what you need to do. Regardless of what he has said to you, he does have a small family. He has to deal with his own what ifs, and give his family a fighting chance. Residual feelings can cause confusion. Please think with your head rather than heart here as its misleading you.

frostyjacks

Would hearing it straight from the horse's mouth be better than counselling? If your heart is set on someone, I'm not sure any amount of talking it over would quash those feelings.

FurBabyMomma

I think you're in love with the fantasy you've built up in your head of what used to be and hoping you can recreate it. But you'll never be able to do so as your ex has changed too much, both by overcoming his depression and becoming a father. I think you need to leave this one go, get out of your own head and into the real world before no man can ever match up to your fantasy

OP, the only struggle here is between yourself and your own mind. Trust me i know from experience. All i can advise you to do is to keep busy and set a few personal goals, take up activities.

Your not the first person to go through this and wont be the last. You'll come out the other side a wiser person for the experience. Its not just a cliche but time heals everything.

mangotracy

OP I'm sure you are feeling a lot of pain and emotion, but I'd urge you to please NOT intervene or tell this guy - just keep well away.

I'm saying that because I had just had a baby when the ex of my partner started to contact him - stirring things up - talking about the past. I found the messages from her to him and it was horrible. Having just had a baby is a real emotional roller coaster for most couples - it is a strain. Love is tested. You'd be sticking your oar in at the most vulnerable time.

I've never forgiven this woman for trying to get back with my partner. And it didn't work.

fredtbvfh

I went through something like this and I realised the slightly "obsessed " feeling was my self esteem looking for acknowledgement that I wasn't getting from my so called boyfriend. It is hard but you have to get rid of him from your life. I would also recommend you seeing a counsellor as it might help with things going on in your head. This guy has a family now and while it is hard, you must move on and set yourself free.

Good luck OP, I've come out the other end happily

As time goes by, you come to a point where you are so focused and immersed in other aspects and interests of your life that you reach a level of acceptance that it just wasnt meant to be.

Its a big world out there and your wasting your life dreaming of one impossiblility when there is endless possibilities. It may not seem this way to you now but if you keep the faith you will get to that point.

For me it was when i became attracted to another girl after sometime. That didnt go anywhere but in hindsight it did teach me that you can move on.

The main thing is to keep busy and enjoy life. Your a young woman. An even bigger regret would be to waste your life pining over a relationship that you were more then adamant was finished at the time. I asked myself the hard question, 'Why was i so willing to end it?' Over time it became more and more obvious as to why.