Question about bf

LegacyUser

Going annon for this. Have been with my bf a very long time, over 8 years. He does this thing though that has been annoying me lately. If I'm wearing a top or a shirt with buttons and I happen to have it undone a bit low he gets really annoyed about it. He says he doesnt mind it if I'm just around him but he doesn't want our friends looking down my top. Might I add I have a very small bust so there is not a lot to see and I never have anything on show, maybe just down to the third button, but he says at an angle people can see. Yesterday within two seconds of meeting him he passed comment on my buttons and one night out he got really annoyed at me and said if it was the other way around he would stop something that bothered me. He is not controlling in any other aspect of our relationship, which is why this confuses me so much. Any thoughts?

BANNERMAN98

At the risk of coming across as controlling which I am not by any means, I would have been the same in a way with my ex. She would go to work wearing the uniform blouse thing and only a bra under it which I didn't like because the way I saw it was I didn't want her to be stared at and ogled. I meant well and maybe he does too?

jus_tin4

Why do you do it? have to say, if it bothered me that much,and i said to my(imaginary) gf,explaining my reasons and she still kept doing it, it would just keep bothering me more and more. Insecurity I guess, but you have to take the good with the bad

Typer Monkey

And so what if people look at your boobs? What is he afraid will happen? That these men will brainwash you into cheating on him? Ok I'm being facitious there but I think he's being silly. He sees your boobs as his property and that's why it's bothering him. They're not his property, they're yours. I'd tell him to get over it and stop being so insecure tbh

kylith

Typer Monkey wrote: »

And so what if people look at your boobs? What is he afraid will happen? That these men will brainwash you into cheating on him? Ok I'm being facitious there but I think he's being silly. He sees your boobs as his property and that's why it's bothering him. They're not his property, they're yours. I'd tell him to get over it and stop being so insecure tbh

Exactly, he sees you as his property. And how dare other men look at his property! I guarantee that if you dressed like a nun he'd have a problem with you talking to men, or looking at men, or the type of makeup you wear.

If he has an issue with his friends looking at your breasts then he needs to talk to his friends about being such lecherous arseholes.

I know that as a busty lady there's little that can be done sometimes without dressing in baggy, shapeless clothes. Shirts gape so have to have the top buttons undone, t-shirts stretch, and fashion trends can make it bloody hard to find something that is fashionable, flattering, and covers everything properly.

I had a boyfriend try the 'you're not going out dressed like that' on me once and he got very short shrift.

daisybelle2008

It's a thin end of the wedge. Don't button up. If he gets a taste of you modifying your behaviour to sooth his insecurity, you are on a slippery slope...it won't stop there. Stand your ground.

sbsquarepants

BANNERMAN98 wrote: »

At the risk of coming across as controlling which I am not by any means, I would have been the same in a way with my ex. She would go to work wearing the uniform blouse thing and only a bra under it which I didn't like because the way I saw it was I didn't want her to be stared at and ogled. I meant well and maybe he does too?

This is the important part!

Try a bit of reverse psychology - next time you're going out tell him you don't like his trousers, they're too tight, tell him you want to change into something less provocative. See what way he reacts!

LegacyUser

jus_tin4 wrote: »

Why do you do it? have to say, if it bothered me that much,and i said to my(imaginary) gf,explaining my reasons and she still kept doing it, it would just keep bothering me more and more. Insecurity I guess, but you have to take the good with the bad

Because why should I stop doing something that makes me feel good just because it makes him insecure? I'm not going to run off and marry the next man I catch looking down there. Also I think it can look quite nice having it buttoned a little lower than normal, but there is certainly a rebellious part in me that will not button it just because I've been told to. I want to let him know that it's my body and I'll dress it how I want. I could not care less how he dressed. He is his own person. Am running out of things to say though like "stop being so insecure" and have told him it's bordeline controlling

Am I the only one in the minority that likes it when other guys look at my partners? I mean, you can't stop other guys from doing it, so instead of turning it into a negative, turn it into a positive; they're looking because they want to be with her, but she's with me, so they can't. It's never bothered me when a guy would check out someone I'm with. In fact I've sometimes encouraged them to wear something revealing, because they'd look good in it and they'd feel good.

kylith

Deleted User wrote: »

Am I the only one in the minority that likes it when other guys look at my partners? I mean, you can't stop other guys from doing it, so instead of turning it into a negative, turn it into a positive; they're looking because they want to be with her, but she's with me, so they can't. It's never bothered me when a guy would check out someone I'm with. In fact I've sometimes encouraged them to wear something revealing, because they'd look good in it and they'd feel good.

I'm with you there. It's a real ego boost to see someone look appreciatively at your bf/gf. It's like 'they're hot, aren't they? Don't you just wish you were me? But you're not. I have them and you don't '. As long as they don't do anything to encourage or lead people on.

LegacyUser

Have you asked him straight out whats his problems. Has this always been an issue or only become one recently? Why has he got a hang up or being so insecure about this now? I'm sorry but he's being a right asshole, three buttons unopened is hardly flaunting your cleavage, especially if you have a small bust.

Matteroffact

If the buttons open look daring maybe he is trying to protect you from looking like someone who is advertising themselves, which is not a nice look and he doesn't want others to think this about his g/f

Penny Tration

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Am I the only one in the minority that likes it when other guys look at my partners? I mean, you can't stop other guys from doing it, so instead of turning it into a negative, turn it into a positive; they're looking because they want to be with her, but she's with me, so they can't. It's never bothered me when a guy would check out someone I'm with. In fact I've sometimes encouraged them to wear something revealing, because they'd look good in it and they'd feel good.

My boyfriend finds it funny. He knows if I wear something even slightly revealing like a tank top, I'll get stares because I have a big bust, and he thinks it's hilarious when it happens. But that's because he's confident in himself and totally secure about his looks and our relationship.

Op's partner obviously isn't.

Op, if you've told him he's being insecure, and is borderline controlling and that hasn't stopped him, sit him down and tell him outright - john, I'm an adult. I will wear what I like. If people look, what's the problem unless you think I'll go shag them for looking at me? If you don't trust me, trying to control what I wear won't help. Either you trust me to make my own decisions, because I'm an adult, or we have a problem.

I wouldn't even say it's anything to do with looks and feeling secure as such, but I completely agree with you that if you were secure in the relationship, then you wouldn't worry about other people looking. Then the question would be - why don't they feel secure and, if they continuously don't, why are they still in it?

frostyjacks

If you button up for him today, tomorrow he'll probably find something else to pick on; your legs, how you wear your hair or what perfume you're wearing. Best to nip it in the bud now before it gets out of hand. He should be mature enough to handle a few undone buttons on a shirt in this day and age.

daisybelle2008

Matteroffact wrote: »

If the buttons open look daring maybe he is trying to protect you from looking like someone who is advertising themselves, which is not a nice look and he doesn't want others to think this about his g/f

A few open buttons is 'advertising' yourself? Pretty much anything falls into that category bar a burka....seriously that's like something from the fifties. I can't believe you are serious, what a weird view you have.
Is it just women who need protecting from advertising themselves or do men with a few shirt buttons need to be protected from themselves?

FAILSAFE 00

Tell him to button it!

* oh, see what I did there.

Ave Sodalis

I have to wear shirts buttoned down because I'm quite busty and if I don't, the buttons strain and look even stranger. My boyfriend doesn't care and he often jokingly just stares and pretends he can't hear what I'm saying. I wouldn't put up with your boyfriend's behaviour at all. It's your body, it's your shirt, it's entirely up to you how you wear them. Heck, if you wanted to go out in just your bra, your boyfriend doesn't get to tell you not to (though, I wouldn't recommend this). What happens if you just say no every time he says it, or just ignore him?

meeeeh

OP, do you actually live with your bf? You are together quite a long time, why is this an issue only now?

LegacyUser

Outrageous way to speak to anyone, let along his partner. You are your own person and your body and clothing is your own business. He is making his problem into your problem. He can't handle his own insecurities so he's asking you to change yourself.

Going out with my partner for years now and I'd never tell her what type of clothes to wear. Clothes make a statement about how we see ourselves and how we want the world to see us. If the way you dress makes you feel good then what business is it of his?

Also, he either trusts you or he doesn't. You could go around topless if you wanted to, still doesn't mean you want to share your life/bed/body with anyone with him!

LegacyUser

Yes we live together. It's funny because I could wear cleavage enhancing tops and he doesnt mind it, he would like it actually and tell me how nice I look, but with things with buttons it seems to be different. He says it's a bit suggestive looking having them open too much and its not the same as having cleavage, it's more teasing or something. I don't know, it's a tricky one, I don't fully get it.

Penny Tration

Sunday101 wrote: »

Yes we live together. It's funny because I could wear cleavage enhancing tops and he doesnt mind it, he would like it actually and tell me how nice I look, but with things with buttons it seems to be different. He says it's a bit suggestive looking having them open too much and its not the same as having cleavage, it's more teasing or something. I don't know, it's a tricky one, I don't fully get it.

It's not tricky.

He finds it 'suggestive' and therefore doesn't want you to do it because of what HE thinks.

Tell him to grow up. You're an adult, wear what you like.

Nabber

Maybe OP one of his seen something he shouldn't and it was a joke with his mates.

He might be embarrassed to tell you that you are on the end of the jokes.

I know people will say he needs to ignore his mates or get new ones. But is life ever like that?

Tell your BF no anyways... You changing is not the solution to what ever problem he has.

If this out of character, then talk to him. Because 7-8years and he is only like this now? That is not how long aggressive dominant men wait to begin their controlling.

Ethel

While I'm inclined to go with the wear what you want to wear thing, I'm a woman, I agree. I think it might depend on what is going on with the shirts in particular. The op wears plenty of tops where you can see cleavage, he has no issue. If I button down three holes in work shirts, you can basically see my boobs and bra etc.

The thing with shirts are, if I button up one too many I look stuffy, shapeless and it gapes a bit in the middle. If I button down an extra one you can see the lot basically. How I've resolved that is by buttoning down but I've a vest top on to hide my bra (and a bit too much boob).

Could it be controlling and jealousy? Maybe. But it doesn't add up why he doesn't mind other tops a little cleavagy, but the shirt is an issue?

BANNERMAN98

sbsquarepants wrote: »

This is the important part!

Try a bit of reverse psychology - next time you're going out tell him you don't like his trousers, they're too tight, tell him you want to change into something less provocative. See what way he reacts!

Why would I be telling another guy his trousers are too tight?

beks101

He sounds controlling. "My girlfriend, my property."

Each time he says it, immediately shut him down with "I will wear what I want. Like it or lump it. End of."

LegacyUser

The only thing I can think of is that comments have been made to him on how much peope can see. I know someone in our acquaintance wears tops that are really very low - not just on nights out, but at family lunches and day time visits, and it does get regularly remarked on.

But then I don't understand how he'd have a problem with shirts and not tops, that bit doesn't make sense to me.

Maybe ask a friend who you trust to give an honest opinion.

OneOfThem

beks101 wrote: »

He sounds controlling. "My girlfriend, my property."

Each time he says it, immediately shut him down with "I will wear what I want. Like it or lump it. End of."

To be fair, she's said he isn't controlling in any way and that even when it comes to low cut tops etc he has no problem, it's just the opened button situation.

Which is really fvcking weird. I mean, I kind of get it, in the sense that I really love that look on a woman. Something about the buttons being undone, it's like half way undressed, on the way to being fully undressed, rather than just revealing. So I can see the difference he is drawing. I'd still never in a million years tell my girlfriend to not do it. But I think it's a little unfair to say he sounds controlling and especially to imply a "my property" frame of mind given the previous.

I dunno, it's a weird one.

Maybe it's more about the fact that he has expressed an insecurity about something which would be very insignificant for you to stop but you've continued and he see's it as kind of a "fvck you and your feelings, I'll do what I want" attitude? So that's the real issue?

Wompa1

I've had a few girlfriends who would hang around with guys that wanted to get with them. Not just something I thought to myself due to insecurity but legit. I had an ex that was helping a friend with some project he was working on and he tried it with her....she was posing partially nude for the project. Another who told me the guy confessed that he loved her...It's kind of tough to deal with when you're a young man. It frustrated me thinking that my partners were knowingly putting themselves into these situations

With a few more years under my belt. I'm now engaged to a lady. Her best friend is a guy who has confessed his love to her. She got caught up in some drama with a work colleague who's wife accused her of f*cking her husband. I've come to the realization that attractive women kind of come with this baggage...without trying to make that sound too crude. But it took me a long time to get to this point.

I no longer get anxious about low cut tops around these guys. Texts, Facebook messages or whatever. My attitude now is, if my partner is going to cheat, she's going to cheat. What happens, happens. I can't prevent it, there's no point worrying about it. Your boyfriend just might not have come to that conclusion yet. I trust my fiancé. I trusted most of my ex's too. It just bothered me but doesn't any more.