Relationship Frustrations

LegacyUser

I am looking for some advice on my current situation. I am gay, and out to friends and some family. I haven't told everyone as yet, mainly because I feel there's no need to and I want to avoid the initial awkwardness for as long as possible! I consider myself a masculine guy, and I'm guessing people that know me think that too because no one suspected I was gay.

So that's a bit of background to me, but my problem comes to relationships. I would like to find a nice guy to have a relationship with, but I'm struggling. I'm not sure if it's because I'm being picky, or there are very few of my type out there.

Basically I'm looking for "one of the lads". A guy who I can out with, have a few beers, watch the football, all those kind of things. I'm really finding it difficult. Any dates I go on, the guy orders wine or a cocktail, has no interest in sport and to be blunt, a bit flamboyant.

Don't get me wrong, I've no problem with any of those things, but I just find it a real turn off when it comes to dating. When I'm with my friends, we drink beer, we watch sport, we're a bit immature. That's what I'm looking for in a relationship.

Maybe that's where I'm going wrong. It feels like I am looking for more of a friend than a partner, which I don't understand. I was in a relationship before where I had all of that, and was extremely lucky to have found him, but we parted ways. I guess I'm still comparing guys to him and no one is living up to his standard so to speak.

Am I being too picky? Is it normal to only be attracted to masculine guys or is it some sort of deep rooted homophobia? I just wish it was a bit easier to find someone like me.

Rick_

I thought the same as you. Wanted someone who liked everything I liked, behaved like I behaved and basically was a clone of me and my friends. That's an incredibly specific type I was and you are looking for and it's not likely you'll find one or many of them that are single and will like you enough to want to be in a relationship with you.

It all comes down to how important those things are to you. If there is no room for compromise then you might be waiting a long time for the right guy to come along. Oh, and comparing everyone to a previous partner will doom the relationship from the start as you'll always find something that isn't as good as what came before. Forget your previous relationships, focus on the now and the future. It's in the past for a reason. Wouldn't it not be better to find someone who might share one or two of the same interests as you and had a few of their own, that way you're doing something that each of you enjoy, but different from each other. Gives ya a bit of variety instead of the same thing day in day out.

I love watching American Football, my boyfriend doesn't like sports at all. But when I'm watching it, he's on the laptop or something until it's over. We have enough similar interests that we can share but it is nice to have something we can do separate. You don't have to be joined at the hip 24/7!

My boyfriend is camp and I am not. At first I found it a bit of a turn off, but the more I got to know him and the more serious we got it totally faded away and I don't even notice it now, nor does it bother me. I would order beers and spirits in the bar, he would go for cocktails mainly. Doesn't bother me, and feck anyone else who has a problem with it. (I have on occasion ordered strawberry daiquiris and love them!)

To sum up, having someone the exact same as you mightn't be all it's cracked up to be. Just give it some real thought about what you definitely want in a partner and what you could live without. Variety is the spice of life, familiarity breeds contempt and 100 other clichés for you!

lyinghere

I feel exact same . Just need to be patient tho I reckon. It's a universal worry for single people not meeting people they click with and this is no diff. You will some day and dates in between are good to help you know what you do and don't want .

Ps: if you met someone just like you wouldn't that be boring

frustratedfellow

frustratedfellow wrote: »

I am looking for some advice on my current situation. I am gay, and out to friends and some family. I haven't told everyone as yet, mainly because I feel there's no need to and I want to avoid the initial awkwardness for as long as possible! I consider myself a masculine guy, and I'm guessing people that know me think that too because no one suspected I was gay.

So that's a bit of background to me, but my problem comes to relationships. I would like to find a nice guy to have a relationship with, but I'm struggling. I'm not sure if it's because I'm being picky, or there are very few of my type out there.

You're being picky.

Basically I'm looking for "one of the lads". A guy who I can out with, have a few beers, watch the football, all those kind of things. I'm really finding it difficult. Any dates I go on, the guy orders wine or a cocktail, has no interest in sport and to be blunt, a bit flamboyant.

Don't get me wrong, I've no problem with any of those things, but I just find it a real turn off when it comes to dating. When I'm with my friends, we drink beer, we watch sport, we're a bit immature. That's what I'm looking for in a relationship.

It's natural to want to meet someone with some common interests. But seriously, a guy drinking wine or a cocktail instead of a beer is a turn-off? That's pretty extreme. Just think about that for a few minutes and you'll realise how ridiculous it is. Plenty of men drink wine/cocktails, plenty of women drink beer. One's choice of beverage is not an indicator of how masculine/feminine one is, unless you live your life by hopelessly outdated social norms.

Maybe that's where I'm going wrong. It feels like I am looking for more of a friend than a partner, which I don't understand. I was in a relationship before where I had all of that, and was extremely lucky to have found him, but we parted ways. I guess I'm still comparing guys to him and no one is living up to his standard so to speak.

Am I being too picky? Is it normal to only be attracted to masculine guys or is it some sort of deep rooted homophobia? I just wish it was a bit easier to find someone like me.

Internalised homophobia is possibly a bit of a stretch, there's nothing wrong with being more attracted to a certain type of person. But if you're swearing guys off because they prefer wine to beer or aren't as into sports as you are, then you do probably need to adjust your parameters to something more reasonable.

jobbridge4life

Maybe you need to open your mind a little. Everyone is entitled to fancy who they fancy but frankly if someones drink order is a problem for you you may need to relax and cast the net a little wider. I know plenty of gay people into sport (unholy aberrations I like to call them) but they may also like to drink wine (shock horror).

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

It's natural to want to meet someone with some common interests. But seriously, a guy drinking wine or a cocktail instead of a beer is a turn-off? That's pretty extreme. Just think about that for a few minutes and you'll realise how ridiculous it is. Plenty of men drink wine/cocktails, plenty of women drink beer. One's choice of beverage is not an indicator of how masculine/feminine one is, unless you live your life by hopelessly outdated social norms.

I think it might be the outdated social norms that I am so used to. Growing up, any friends or even friends of friends would all drink beer. If someone even ordered a gin and tonic they would get laughed at. I don't think anyone was being serious, but more lighthearted banter. I guess it has been ingrained in me (and my friends) that beer and hard alcohol is the standard for men. Anything else is open for mockery.

I know it's silly, but it's what I'm used to.

You say that what someone chooses to drink doesn't indicate how masculine they are, but I pose this question to you. Is it not the case that (openly) gay guys are more likely to drink wine, cocktails etc? I put this down to them being more comfortable with their sexuality and drinking what they want.

Rick_

frustratedfellow wrote: »

I think it might be the outdated social norms that I am so used to. Growing up, any friends or even friends of friends would all drink beer. If someone even ordered a gin and tonic they would get laughed at. I don't think anyone was being serious, but more lighthearted banter. I guess it has been ingrained in me (and my friends) that beer and hard alcohol is the standard for men. Anything else is open for mockery.

Laughed at? Fair enough, but that's something between you and your friends, not everyone. Ingrained in you... by who? Society? Society hasn't been making those generalisations in many, many years!

frustratedfellow wrote: »

You say that what someone chooses to drink doesn't indicate how masculine they are, but I pose this question to you. Is it not the case that (openly) gay guys are more likely to drink wine, cocktails etc.

No! Not at all. I've seen plenty of married couples out drinking in bars and the husband is drinking a glass of wine and the wife has a pint glass in her hand, or the male has some sort of spirit and mixer.

When it comes down to it, what does it matter what alcoholic beverage someone drinks? Only an idiot or people living in some backwards village where time hasn't moved on from the 1950's would have that sort of mindset that a drink defines a person. Honestly, catch a grip. The world has long since moved on. You and your friends need to catch up, fast.

Aard

Hard alcohol? Surely gin is "harder" than beer?

Annasopra

frustratedfellow wrote: »

I think it might be the outdated social norms that I am so used to. Growing up, any friends or even friends of friends would all drink beer. If someone even ordered a gin and tonic they would get laughed at. I don't think anyone was being serious, but more lighthearted banter. I guess it has been ingrained in me (and my friends) that beer and hard alcohol is the standard for men. Anything else is open for mockery.

I know it's silly, but it's what I'm used to.

You say that what someone chooses to drink doesn't indicate how masculine they are, but I pose this question to you. Is it not the case that (openly) gay guys are more likely to drink wine, cocktails etc? I put this down to them being more comfortable with their sexuality and drinking what they want.

Honestly - I think judging someone based on what they drink is really really silly.

tomato1234

Hi frustratedfellow,

You found a nice guy before. You will find one again. Just enjoy your single life and go with the flow.

LegacyUser

Sorry for replying so long after my original post. I've been out and about trying to meet guys, but still having zero luck I'm afraid.

I've tried tinder thinking that I'd have more luck finding guys with similar interests, but I was wrong. I find myself swiping left (meaning "not interested" for those who don't use it) for 99% of the guys on it. It's really frustrating now. I can just tell by looking at a few of their photos that I'm not interested. Telltale signs - duck face, mention of wine, lots of photos with just female friends.

I've tried going on a few dates, just in case I was wrong prejudging them, but the moment I meet them I know it's not going to work. I think I just have a type, and unfortunately that type is a guy that likes beer and sport! It's next to impossible to find a guy like this.

I am genuinely getting upset about this and just feel like there's no hope.

jobbridge4life

frustratedfellow wrote: »

Sorry for replying so long after my original post. I've been out and about trying to meet guys, but still having zero luck I'm afraid.

I've tried tinder thinking that I'd have more luck finding guys with similar interests, but I was wrong. I find myself swiping left (meaning "not interested" for those who don't use it) for 99% of the guys on it. It's really frustrating now. I can just tell by looking at a few of their photos that I'm not interested. Telltale signs - duck face, mention of wine, lots of photos with just female friends.

I've tried going on a few dates, just in case I was wrong prejudging them, but the moment I meet them I know it's not going to work. I think I just have a type, and unfortunately that type is a guy that likes beer and sport! It's next to impossible to find a guy like this.

I am genuinely getting upset about this and just feel like there's no hope.

There is hope but you need to stop being so judgemental. A mention of wine? FFS that would mean you'd never consider a single French man. You are being ridiculous and upsetting yourself in the process.

Mr.Frame

WE all have "types" but more often than not we end up with someone who is the complete opposite of our type.
OP stop being so judgemental, enjoy your date/dates , have fun , laugh, get drunk , whatever, just enjoy yourself.
I also suspect that you don't want to veer away from "your type" for fear others (family friends) may judge your "gay boyfriend"/
Are you 100% comfortable with yourself ?

Grey Wind

frustratedfellow wrote: »

I am genuinely getting upset about this and just feel like there's no hope.

No offence, but it's your own fault at this point. The problem probably stems from how you've been raised (everything you're saying sounds like internalised homophobia and sexism/adherence to strict gender roles), but you're never going to meet anyone if you keep on searching for guys who meet your (frankly) ridiculous standards.

newacc2015

frustratedfellow wrote: »

Sorry for replying so long after my original post. I've been out and about trying to meet guys, but still having zero luck I'm afraid.

I've tried tinder thinking that I'd have more luck finding guys with similar interests, but I was wrong. I find myself swiping left (meaning "not interested" for those who don't use it) for 99% of the guys on it. It's really frustrating now. I can just tell by looking at a few of their photos that I'm not interested. Telltale signs - duck face, mention of wine, lots of photos with just female friends.

I've tried going on a few dates, just in case I was wrong prejudging them, but the moment I meet them I know it's not going to work. I think I just have a type, and unfortunately that type is a guy that likes beer and sport! It's next to impossible to find a guy like this.

I am genuinely getting upset about this and just feel like there's no hope.

Eh? Are you serious? Most gay guys are Beer Drinkers and made into Sport. Go to any Gym in Dublin and a fair amount of the guys are gay. Have you tried the Emerald Warriors or the Front Runners? Some of the guys there might be "masc" enough for you.

My suggestion is read the velvet rage. Its about over coming, internal difficulties with being gay. One difficulty is a dislike of guys, unless they meet your "type". You sound like you would be content with a masc, beer drinking sports guy, who is a douche. Than a funny guy who enjoys a glass of wine(about 75% of straight sports men).

I dont know you obviously. But you dont sound too comfortable about being gay and a lot your internalised homophobia will probably **** any potential relationships with a guy. I wouldnt date a guy, who only dates me because I confirm to his listen of 'masc traits'.

Leonard Hofstadter

Could I be your man:p;)? I know what you mean OP, I'm on match and I can't find anyone that interests me:(. Too many times I look at someone's profile and instantly go 'nope'. I suppose the fact that I live in England and people have a much wider range of interests than in Ireland makes it harder, especially as the sports can be so different over there - up where I am there is no interested in rugby union whatsoever.

I'm half thinking of just waiting till I return to Ireland and look then, all I want is someone who supports Munster and will go to Munster matches and will want to go to the pub, eat out and travel. How hard can it be:pac:?

I would say this much, don't be so judgemental, one of the great things about being openly gay is you don't have to hide behind some pretence and conform to stereotypical notions of manliness e.g. only drinking beer at pubs as opposed to a Baileys or a glass of wine. The choice of drink by any potential bf of mine wouldn't be a turn off for me, not wanting to go to the pub on the other hand would.

Annasopra

Join Emerald warriors or Wet and wild or Dublin devils. Simple.

Ten of Swords

frustratedfellow wrote: »

I've tried going on a few dates, just in case I was wrong prejudging them, but the moment I meet them I know it's not going to work. I think I just have a type, and unfortunately that type is a guy that likes beer and sport! It's next to impossible to find a guy like this.

Op it's good that you are trying rather than just prejudging based on pictures and taking no action, at least you are putting yourself out there.

As has been made pretty clear by most of the replies here, you are restricting yourself too much. You have a type, a very particular type, but sometimes rather than sticking rigidly to your set of conditions it may help if you are flexible on one or two of these conditions you are imposing on guys. This does not mean compromise your 'type' completely as you simply won't be happy (you aren't anyway) but maybe if you were to relax your conditions a little bit then you will have an opportunity to meet more people.

The resource links post, which is the sticky post at the very top of the forum, has a list of LGBT social clubs, maybe check them out.