Teen, Summer Holidays, Bored, Porn Addiction and Isolation worsening...

LegacyUser

So I'm finished TY in school. I got my summer holidays 3 weeks ago. I'm living in the countryside.

I had great intentions for this Summer to be one to remember, a good one. I wanted to enjoy myself for the summer months. However, since we got the holidays my group of friends and I have had lesser and lesser contact with each other. We try to organise meet-ups and get-togethers but they never seem to materialise.

While at home there isn't much to do. My parents are constantly working on maintaining the house and garden along with my sister. Constantly. My dad is cutting grass twice a week and my mother is always weeding and painting. Never is it suggested by either of them: "Let's go for a spin/drive somewhere". For the last three weeks I have only left the house to go to mass, and visit my grandparents once or twice.

I'm not lazy but I never really had green fingers and spending most days of the week gardening and doing housework isn't very appealing to me.

Ever since about August 2013 I've had a moderately bad porn addiction that I have kept a closely-guarded secret from everyone except a close friend of mine.(Telling my parents would obliterate any respect they have for me) It never drastically affected my school grades or anything however, but I'll admit I could be a small bit better socially at times, particularly around women.

However I made TY my year to change that. I went 10 days without porn, then 21 days, then 43 days. I saw the results, I was much more confident, better socially, more likeable in general.

However since summer arrived I have fallen off the bandwagon. I have no real contact with people outside my immediate family and so have no real motivation to avoid porn. I'm trying to maintain other hobbies such as music, reading, exercising etc. but again, there is no real motivation. Last Sunday night I stayed up watching porn until 2am. I think it goes without saying that I don't have a girlfriend either.

My mother has commented that I'm spending too much time on the computer and asks me to help out around the house, which I do, without any hesitation. However, she is very particular and won't even let me dress beds because I "won't do it properly".

I'm not old enough to drive. I have handed out several CV's to local companies (supermarkets, restaurants, even engineering firms) in search of a job, but all have replied saying they don't have any vacancies. I'd want a job really just to get me out of the house more than the money.

My dad and my brother (4 years younger than me), are my only real comforts. Very level-headed, easy-going individuals in comparison to my mother and my sister who can be very hostile and cold towards me a lot of the time. My brother has the same complaints as myself (stuck at home, nothing to do) but he just tolerates it, and has his video games as escapism. My dad does a lot of volunteering for charities etc. which he says "keeps him sane"

How do I escape this? The boredom and the idleness? I know that I'd be happier if I was busy but I can't find ANYTHING to do. My porn addiction is easing its way back into my life, I get a bit depressed from time to time. I love people. I am a really social person when I'm given the opportunity but the opportunities just aren't presenting themselves. I go to parties when they arise, but there aren't many of them.

Any and all advice appreciated. How can I make this summer enjoyable?

Thanks

TL;DR Teen, living in rural Ireland, on summer holidays, bored af. Previously "conquered" porn addiction worsening due to boredom and lack of things to do. Tried to get a job, not working out. Friends can't be bothered to meet up. Mother and sister rather hostile towards me because I don't feel the desire to spend hours each day at housework and garden maintenance. Not getting out much at all. Can't drive and mother isn't willing to bring me anywhere because she sees it as "avoiding work". Dad (working full-time) and brother are sound though and are in more or less the same boat as myself. Want to know what I can do to escape the boredom and the idleness and what I can do to try and make this summer enjoyable.

Rubberchikken

you stopped it once, you can do it again.
perfectly normal for teen/porn but when it's where it's the only thing then, yeah, something needs to be done.
it's great that you realise it yourself.

part of the answer is to be occupied/busy doing something physical. i realise you mightn't like gardening/grass cutting but it needs to be done and offering to help would make your parents happy and use up some energy. could you suggest painting/cleaning out your room? visit your grandparents a bit more - they'd be delighted to see you.

keep in touch with friends. it's easy to let things slide over the summer. who knows, but the others could all be waiting for one of the group to txt or call.

i know the summer seems long from this end, but it does pass. so do your best to enjoy it.

Meauldsegosha

Could you volunteer with your dad?

LegacyUser

He organises meetings and days out and manages collections for a local charity. I help out at the church gate collections when they come up, which is really only one or two evenings every two months or so. There wouldn't be a lot else for me to do. I type up letters and design fliers as well occasionally for the charity. I'm also assisting at a day out this Sunday.

taytobreath

Boredom is your enemy, have you tried some of the farmers for some work.
You write very well by the way so why don't you fill up some of your time by writing a diary and putting some ideas you have in it for example tomorrow I have some volunteering work with my dad, i must make it my job to talk to more people regarding getting more volunteer work. Tick these ideas off when they are done.
Go for long walks.

What exactly do you think counts as porno addiction and is this a personal diagnosis or a professional one? The reason I ask is that it just seems pretty normal to be a teenage boy and horny. 'eck if porno were as readily available when I was a teenager, I probably would have thought that I had an addiction.

Also you mention that your looking at it doesn't affect your life and you can go without it, so I'm suspecting that you're not addicted, but being a normal teenager.

As for the rest - you're bored and as said already, free time is your worst enemy. Exercise. Get out more. Walk. Run. Download a running app to your phone.

LegacyUser

I couldn't really think of a better word other than "addiction". It would probably be fine if I could control my use and keep it in moderation, but I can't. I tried to do so for quite a while but I can't. It's either cold turkey or borderline 24/7 (up to 5 times a day). The latter had a negative effect on my wellbeing. I constantly felt tired, couldn't hold conversations or eye contact. Became very passive in confrontations of any kind, made concentration difficult (because of the tiredness).

But when I had gone a week or two without it, I had more energy, far better communication skills and just generally a bit more self-esteem.

I used to lay off the porn coming up to exams, dances, or any other mentally or socially demanding situations, and I'd be fine. Day after exams over/morning after dance, straight back on it, up to 4 or 5 times a day.

Lack of self-control more than an addiction I suppose.

I'd just love to be able to be the "better" me more of the time, instead of just when it's essential.

Thanks for all yer advice so far. I think I'll go for a walk tomorrow, might try a spot of camping somewhere (probably a field or two up from the house). Just on my own, as a bit of healthier escapism.

Now, I'm trying not to diagnose anything because I simply don't know you, but I would say to not diagnose any addictions you might have - if you have any real concerns, then I would advise to go talk to a professional - you can often find lowcost ones and I'm sure there's one nearby.

Anyway - regarding the tiredness, concentration, etc, these could be symptoms of your lack of motivation - you mention a dance; are you a dancer? What is your activity level like? Exercise? How's your diet? Something I've noticed when I let myself go regarding these things, is that I'd get exactly as you explain; lethargic, no motivation, concentration next to nothing, and a general downgrade in my overall manner.

And I would wager that your porn viewing is also a symptom of these things.

Here's what I'd say for you to do -

- find a lowcost counsellor to discuss your possible porn addiction; you can go as low as €10 - €25 per session, but be advised - they might be trainees/students, but don't worry, they'd know what they're talking about. You could talk about other issues that you might be experiencing.
- look at your diet and see how you might be able to improve it
- exercise more - I know it can suck and can be tough to get motivation, but you'd be amazed at how good it can make you feel!

LegacyUser

It might help to really understand the side effects of so much porn watching has particularly on a young developing person, and the very real consequences of erectile difficulties when you get into a relationship. You might know of the website 'yourbrainonporn.com',and Gary Wilson's ted talk on YouTube, if not check them out and you'll see you are very much not alone in trying to conquer this addiction. You see, a real intimate sexual experience will not provide as high a level of stimulation that the constant novelty of porn has provided you and that your body has become accustomed in order to maintain arousal. This will potentially cause problems for you and a future girlfriend, and has certainly for countless young men, ED is now widespread in young men and would rarely have showed itself in young men pre-Internet porn. The more you look at porn the more you want to view it and the more you need to masterbate. It is very much an addictive cycle. It is ok to masterbate but try not using porn and eventually you will feel far less need to and will only do so when you actually feel like it naturally.

Also it is not healthy to constantly be viewing sex in the cold and detached, animalistic and mechanical way it is represented in porn, because this is not what sex is. It is probably adding to your awkwardness around girls, because all you are seeing and immersing in is porn which completely excludes all of the very complex and layered reality of human relationships and how normal interactions with the opposite sex play out and develop. It is important to learn these skills at your age. Get back to respecting sex as an extremely intimate act between lovers, and women as not just sex objects. This is not coming from a moralistic or religious view point it's just the proliferation of so much porn has made it the norm but it is not good or healthy way to look at sexual relations purely in this way. I think you know this and its showing itself in your withdrawing from people and feeling more anxious and unmotivated. If I were watching it up to 5 times a day I have to say I too would feel kind of out of control because of the level of use and the fact it's a secret that you are hiding and are ashamed of.I'm not judging or trying to make you feel bad but maybe seeing it in this way will make sense of why you feel something's wrong and you want to change.

So my advice would be to take the first step of masterbating as much as you like without porn and then eventually the desire will decrease, and you feel a bit more in control.

LegacyUser

I would have thought looking at porn was a pretty normal thing to do rather than an addiction. You say you exercise, are you interested in any sports, are there any clubs in your area like scouts, orienteering, triathlon, cycling, running etc that you could join and take part in activities. I know the GAA is everywhere but its not popular with everybody.
If there was some event like a 5/10k or a cycle sportif you could use the free time to train for it etc.

ShowMeTheCash

Sounds more like you need motivation to do something!
What is that saying "the devil makes light work for idle hands!"
And this is literally the case here!

How far is the local town?
You are at a weird age where you probably still rely heavily on other people to take you places etc...

Sports - Running or cycling, can give you the same buzz of endorphin's your body my be looking for.
If you are going to sit on the computer all day maybe think of doing something Techy - Do some programming courses - Build a game.

Sounds like you just need a project to keep you busy!

WheatenBriar

Get a bike if you don't already have one and venture into town on it or visit your friends with it

JTL

You need to replace porn with another hobby. Running and reading is what I do when I'm bored but would suggest you look for something with more of a social aspect to it.

Rhys Essien

OP,At your age I done a lot of cycling which is brilliant for you.Get yourself a bike asap and you could be out of the house for a few hours every day.Also you say you are in the countryside,surely some farmer needs a hand out.I worked for farmers at summer time all during my teen years.

Puddle Q

Man I wouldnt worry about it! Back in the day when I was 15 or 16 I was fapping 3 or 4 times a day and that was before the internet. Are you hung up religiously I wonder ? You still go to mass I see?

blatantrereg

masturbation shame is very 1980s. Reported effect on your wellbeing would be from feeling ashamed about it, not the activity directly.

Much worse things you could be doing. Isolation and boredom are not ideal though, but I would focus on addressing those rather than getting hung up on ****.

LegacyUser

It's not about shame over ****, it's about porn, he probably wouldn't be doing it so much if he wasn't addicted to porn. He needs to cut out the porn, and get used to doing it without it. It skews an inexperienced young person's mind about sex, and can lead to the feelings the OP is having, and the very real problem of erectile difficulties because normal sex will not live up to the stuff he watches 5 times a day. The OP just needs more balance in his life and the suggestions of acquiring a bike or helping on a farm are good ones to achieve this and to get out of the house.

LegacyUser

It's not the masturbation I'm ashamed of...sure once I went 2 weeks without it and vowed never to do that again; the pain was unreal.

I go to mass but it's mostly because the rest of the family go. I'm not hung up religiously about my porn and masturbation habits.

It's just that my porn tastes are getting more and more extreme. Typing in "búbs" on google images doesn't cut it anymore. The stuff I'm watching is getting progressively disturbing. (nothing illegal, just disturbing)

I'm ashamed of the porn I'm watching, not the masturbation I'm doing. People think that watching porn and masturbating are the same thing. And though they almost always go hand in hand (unintentional pun) they're not the same thing. It's really just the porn that's harmful (for me anyway) if it goes too far.

I've signed up to the pornfree community on reddit and I'm going to try and make a better job of this week than last week.

Can you tell us exactly what you're watching? You might just have a fetish for these things, which while it isn't everyone's taste, doesn't mean there's anything necessarily wrong with them. You've said yourself that it's nothing illegal. When you're older and having sex regularly, you'll be surprised at what porn can teach you.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

Can you tell us exactly what you're watching? You might just have a fetish for these things, which while it isn't everyone's taste, doesn't mean there's anything necessarily wrong with them. You've said yourself that it's nothing illegal. When you're older and having sex regularly, you'll be surprised at what porn can teach you.

<snip>

retro:electro

Why don't you create a group what's app or viber so you can all keep in touch? I have friends doing their thing all over the country but we keep in touch via the group chat and it's great. We let each other know what's going on or if they're around for drinks at any stage.

Once you finish school for the summer things can slow down a lot. They may have neighbours who go to different schools but are close with and choose to spend the summer with them. I think the group chat is a good idea though.

Start it off with "right lads who's up for the cinema/camping/looking around the shops during the week?" Once initial plans are made its a lot easier to establish further plans.

blatantrereg

Well just don't look at disturbing stuff. Don't think trying to abstain completely is likely to work. It's like if you were eating too much junk food and you decided to address that by stopping eating entirely - you'd just end up eating more junk.

Probably boredom at the root of looking at stuff to freak yourself out. I reckon prioritising some sort of social activity is probably a good idea, reading your posts. You sound like you're getting pretty withdrawn.

WheatenBriar

I wouldn't worry about the porn OP,it's normal enough
Obviously the more boring and banal your life is,the more a super charged hormonal teenager is going to look at it and the more need you'll have for more exciting porn

How fit and healthy are you btw,do you exercise or train? I'm curious as to why you haven't reacted to the cycling idea?
Phase them things in
Volunteer as a start on a local farm maybe if you think they've no job
That way you can come and go as you please whilst getting a taste for working
If the farmer is anyway decent they'll pay you
Good luck and go out and enjoy yourself,take the risk and stop worrying about the little things

ClassGrass

ClassGrass wrote: »

<snip>

I'm not sure what was said here, but I'm assuming it was against the charter? The main reason I ask is because there isn't necessarily anything wrong with the porn he watches, so he shouldn't feel like it is. Of course this is totally dependent on what it is and his perception re: porn and reality.

LegacyUser

anna080 wrote: »

Why don't you create a group what's app or viber so you can all keep in touch? I have friends doing their thing all over the country but we keep in touch via the group chat and it's great. We let each other know what's going on or if they're around for drinks at any stage.

Once you finish school for the summer things can slow down a lot. They may have neighbours who go to different schools but are close with and choose to spend the summer with them. I think the group chat is a good idea though.

Start it off with "right lads who's up for the cinema/camping/looking around the shops during the week?" Once initial plans are made its a lot easier to establish further plans.

My friends and I have had a chat group going on FB for a long time. We still chat in the evenings and try to organise things (meals, trips to town, visiting each other) but for one reason or another, either being genuinely unable to attend or purposely excusing themselves from the meet-up, at the last minute almost everybody will start sending on excuses for why they won't be able to come, and so the meet-up doesn't go ahead

WheatenBriar wrote: »

I wouldn't worry about the porn OP,it's normal enough
Obviously the more boring and banal your life is,the more a super charged hormonal teenager is going to look at it and the more need you'll have for more exciting porn

How fit and healthy are you btw,do you exercise or train? I'm curious as to why you haven't reacted to the cycling idea?
Phase them things in
Volunteer as a start on a local farm maybe if you think they've no job
That way you can come and go as you please whilst getting a taste for working
If the farmer is anyway decent they'll pay you
Good luck and go out and enjoy yourself,take the risk and stop worrying about the little things

Relatively unfit. I don't really play sports or go to the gym but I occasionally exercise on my own at home. I fixed up the bike yesterday evening, greased chains and whatnot but still haven't got around to going for a cycle yet.

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm not sure what was said here, but I'm assuming it was against the charter? The main reason I ask is because there isn't necessarily anything wrong with the porn he watches, so he shouldn't feel like it is. Of course this is totally dependent on what it is and his perception re: porn and reality.

I explicitly posted what website I use...apologies mods. The porn I'm watching isn't dodgy or illegal, just a bit extreme now and again, can't go into any more detail than that. I'm able to separate my perception of porn and perception of reality. Fair enough, if I didn't watch as much of it, I'd probably be more pushed to be in the company of real women and have more experience with being in the company of real women. But besides that, I know that what is seen in porn is poles apart from real world relationships.

ClassGrass

ClassGrass wrote: »

My friends and I have had a chat group going on FB for a long time. We still chat in the evenings and try to organise things (meals, trips to town, visiting each other) but for one reason or another, either being genuinely unable to attend or purposely excusing themselves from the meet-up, at the last minute almost everybody will start sending on excuses for why they won't be able to come, and so the meet-up doesn't go ahead



Relatively unfit. I don't really play sports or go to the gym but I occasionally exercise on my own at home. I fixed up the bike yesterday evening, greased chains and whatnot but still haven't got around to going for a cycle yet.



I explicitly posted what website I use...apologies mods. The porn I'm watching isn't dodgy or illegal, just a bit extreme now and again, can't go into any more detail than that. I'm able to separate my perception of porn and perception of reality. Fair enough, if I didn't watch as much of it, I'd probably be more pushed to be in the company of real women and have more experience with being in the company of real women. But besides that, I know that what is seen in porn is poles apart from real world relationships.

Why can't you go into it? I'm just trying to show you that the porn you watch isn't an issue, the watching of it isn't a problem.

Have you looked into the possibility of speaking to a counselor? They are the only ones qualified to tell you whether your concerns are legitimate or not.

Honestly, I've found porn to be a great resource to learn new things sexually.

Sleepy

I'm just about to turn 35 OP and if there's one thing I'd change if I could go back to my 16 year old self would be to go out and get properly fit whilst it's still relatively easy.

Hop on the bike, head off for the day with a packed lunch and plenty of water and go explore your surroundings. It'll fill the time, keep you away from the computer and get you into better shape. And as a redditor you know rules 1 and 2 of being successful with the other sex* so getting in good shape might help with the lack of a girlfriend situation.

The suggestion about asking local farmers if there's any work going is a good one too. Sure, it won't pay well but a few days picking stones is good exercise and any few quid you can earn over the summers as a teenager is worthwhile.

Alternatively, have you an interest in music? Two months with very little to do would be an ideal time to take up an instrument. A couple of hours practice a day and you could be a reasonably proficient guitarist by the time you return to school.


*for non redditors: Rule 1) be attractive, Rule 2) don't be unattractive

Muckracker

A good way to break the porn habit is to jack off while thinking of someone in real life you'd like to have sex with in. Think of the hottest girl in school. Try to only do it once a week and only use your imagination. **** too much kills you motivation to go out and get the real thing.

Electric Sheep

Get up of your behind and help you mother in the garden. It is good exercise, will win you points with your mother and then she might be willing to drive you places as she will have more spare time.

Akrasia

I don't know how far your are out in the countryside, but I grew up 3 miles from the nearest town and miles away from my friends

Get a bike.

Seriously. At your age you shouldn't be relying on your parents to drive you places or occupy your time.

Take up a sport, there are millions of sports to choose from. If you're not into field sports, try archery, or swimming, or learn a martial art

Learn an instrument. If you spend a fraction of the time you spend arsing around at home feeling bored and fed up, earning the guitar or drums or keyboard, you could get good enough to join a band, and that opens up so many doors socially and gives you opportunities to meet girls

LegacyUser

Just an update on how things are going.

6 days pornfree. Longest I've gone in a while. Be it a placebo or not I've a bit more energy, which is nice.

Getting a bit more order and direction in my day. Eating a better breakfast, getting up and going to bed at more reasonable times. Getting up at 8:30am and going to bed at 12 or 1am, as opposed to getting up at 10:30am and staying up until 2:30 in the morning.

Getting back into practising the piano more. Doing Grade 8 next summer so really have to up the game. Still playing a bit of modern stuff in order to throw together some party pieces should I ever have to call upon them.

As suggested I've decided to get up off my ass and help in the garden at home. The mother was actually wondering if I had got a turn or something that I voluntarily decided to do gardening for once but is happy to see me showing a rare bit of initiative.

Spent the last few days repairing the bike after its (almost a year) dormancy. Despite living in the countryside I'm on a busy-ass road which can be pretty dangerous but I'm not intending for that to put me off a cycle.

Went down to the grandparents' today and helped with a bit of DIY, passed the day. Told my grandmother about the boredom problem and she said I'm free to visit or stay a few nights any time.

So, yeah, things are improving. Thanks for all yer advice and suggestions.

Electric Sheep

I'm glad things are going better for you. I spent my teenage years in the country and know only too well the suffocating boredom that can be the summer holidays. You feel as if what should be a wonderful time is just passing you by. But by taking some initiative you really can fill the time constructively!

kmc25_1

Glad to hear things are looking up for you Op.

Looking back at my summers when young the best things about them were my friends. You say you have friends but that your meetups keep falling through. Get on your bike and call over to them would be my recommendation.
Explain your boredom. By the sounds of it they may be in the same situation. Just hang out... See what they can come up with...


Best of luck!

dudara

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dudara