How to overcome insecurity on looks?

LegacyUser

Im a 23 year old girl single girl who really wants to meet someone. Ive been single my whole life due to lack of confidence. For some reason, I have it stuck in my head that I'm unattractive. I know objectively that this isnt true, I'm not a model but I dont scare young kids!
Yet whenever I'm around a guy I think is attractive I cant make eye contact with them and basically ignore them. When I'm on nights out I see other girls making eyes at lads to get them to come over but I feel like if I do this the guys will be sniggering as in 'what does she think shes doing, state of her!'

I think this all started in school because a guy who is much better looking than me tried to get with me and was disgusted when I rejected him (I was too shy) and I heard through friends that he went for me as he thought as he was better looking than me that I would fall into bed with him. I think I have it in my head now that any attractive guys would only be going for me because I'd be an easy case for them. I know its messed up

I just want to be able to feel confident in myself and have the confidence to flirt with guys I think are hot, I dont like being so unapproachable as I am a nice person, but this fear I have of guys using me is ruining any chance of having a relationship.

Thanks

Saralee4

oh don't get hung up on what that guy said at school, he was just dealing with his own feelings of rejection from you (in a bad way but that's sometimes how people are)!

Well you've said that you know your thoughts are irrational so its more of a confidence issue.

About 'making eyes' at guys, whatever your friends are doing, look people in the eye, they look back or they don't, sometimes you find a connection with someone and it moves onto to the next step with an approach, sometimes you make a connection and you end up approaching (if your feeling confident) or sometimes you make eye contact and realise there is no connection but one thing I would say is that making eye contact with someone while it is a very significant part of flirting and showing interest, if you do make eye contact (not staring crazy at someone) then it is so ambiguous that no guy is going to say 'she definitely likes me, I don't like her' and panic and start slagging you- more than likely a man that wasn't interested would be flattered that you were looking at him and think nothing more of it and one that does like you might ask you out.

Also its important not too place too much of your own value on looks. Who you are and your boundaries, values and likes and dislikes are way more important.

loverain

And how are your day to day interactions with men when you're not actually considering them as potential dates, maybe that would be something you could look into.
Are you relaxed and comfortable then?
I know from my personal experience that casual approach makes me more confident, without this overpowering over analyzing, and it works wonders for my self esteem.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

loverain wrote: »

And how are your day to day interactions with men when you're not actually considering them as potential dates, maybe that would be something you could look into.
Are you relaxed and comfortable then?
I know from my personal experience that casual approach makes me more confident, without this overpowering over analyzing, and it works wonders for my self esteem.

thanks for your reply. I am okay with guys I dont think are attractive but I avoid talking to guys I think are goodlooking, avoid eyecontact etc and tend to go red when I speak to them!
I also get uncomfortable if guys flirt with me, I tend to laugh quickly and leg it, again because I feel like its a joke or something. Rationally I know that this is silly but overcoming it is difficult

heretochat

OPHERE wrote: »

thanks for your reply. I am okay with guys I dont think are attractive but I avoid talking to guys I think are goodlooking,

I have said it on threads here before that in my mind attractiveness and being good looking are two completely different things. Someone could be incredibly good looking and be immensely unattractive, especially if they are conceited and uppitty because of how they present aesthetically.

I personally think you are too hung up on looks OP and as a result are probably missing out on meeting someone "attractive", i.e. someone who you could connect with on a level more than superficial and really get along well with.

Unfortunately, as an oul lad looking at these threads I am saddened by the younger generation's obsession with looks

loverain

OPHERE wrote: »

I also get uncomfortable if guys flirt with me, I tend to laugh quickly and leg it, again because I feel like its a joke or something. Rationally I know that this is silly but overcoming it is difficult

maybe practice few conversations with your friend, pick several different topics and by the time some guy approaches you, you'll know what to say and how to carry a conversation in the most comfortable way for you.

OneOfThem

loverain wrote: »

maybe practice few conversations with your friend, pick several different topics and by the time some guy approaches you, you'll know what to say and how to carry a conversation in the most comfortable way for you.

This is almost good advice.

A friend is no use. It has to be guys you don't know. Start making conversation with random guys you find attractive in situations where there's no pressure. Start small. Like if you see a guy you find attractive at a bus stop, or in a cue in a shop for example. Just ask him if he has the time. Then say thanks and move on. Next guy, after he tells you the time, say one more thing. "nice phone/watch, where'd you get it?" something small like that. Then you can move on. The next time, keep it going for a little bit longer. Nothing to be afraid of. You can just say you better get going and walk off at any point if you feel uncomfortable. You have a phobia basically. And there's two main ways of dealing with a phobia. Graduation and saturation. Graduation is the above. Where bit by bit you expose yourself to the thing you're afraid of in controlled circumstances. Just gradually increase your interactions with attractive guys in circumstances where there is no pressure. Before you know it, it will be so easy and you'll be so comfortable you'll find it hard to remember what it felt like before. Trust me, this works, give it a try.

OneOfThem

loverain wrote: »

maybe practice few conversations with your friend, pick several different topics and by the time some guy approaches you, you'll know what to say and how to carry a conversation in the most comfortable way for you.

This is almost good advice.

A friend is no use. It has to be guys you don't know. Start making conversation with random guys you find attractive in situations where there's no pressure. Start small. Like if you see a guy you find attractive at a bus stop, or in a cue in a shop for example. Just ask him if he has the time. Then say thanks and move on. Next guy, after he tells you the time, say one more thing. "nice phone/watch, where'd you get it?" something small like that. Then you can move on. The next time, keep it going for a little bit longer. Nothing to be afraid of. You can just say you better get going and walk off at any point if you feel uncomfortable. You have a phobia basically. And there's two main ways of dealing with a phobia. Graduation and saturation. Graduation is the above. Where bit by bit you expose yourself to the thing you're afraid of in controlled circumstances. Just gradually increase your interactions with attractive guys in circumstances where there is no pressure. Then progress towards making a flirty comment of some sort, then moving on. Before you know it, it will be so easy and you'll be so comfortable you'll find it hard to remember what it felt like before. Trust me, this works, give it a try.