How would you react? GF told me she kissed another guy

LegacyUser

I have been going out with my GF for 3 years and live together

About 2 or 3 weeks ago one of her friends and her fiancée booked a villa in a foreign country.

This other guy had 6 male friends going as well. My gf asked how I felt about her going. She was going to go with one other female friend who is single.

I did not want to say "No you can't go" but I really did not feel she should be going on a trip like this.

I got in a bad mood and felt really depressed about it for the next 2 weeks before the trip and while she was gone. I only found out the night before the trip that all these guys were single as well!

I guess this created some tension and things didn't feel that great in that time

Now she comes back yesterday. I told her about the depression and how I felt about the trip. Glad she was back and I could get it out of my head finally and move on.

We hugged. Then she started to cry and told me that she kissed one of the guys on the trip.

I didn't/don't know how to react to be honest. She says she was really drunk and cant remember it properly. I think there was drugs involved too. She told me it was a 2 second thing and stopped pretty soon into it.

Obviously I don't no what to believe but strongly think there must have been flirting going on the whole trip for this to happen.

I honestly thought I would feel worse about this but in a way it just confirmed that I was right to be so pissed off about her going on the trip.

Living together means I couldn't walk out the door and have some time to think it over.

I told her I wanted to make things work and get back to normal. I didn't feel there was much else I could do but I do feel I am letting her off really lightly.

Any advice on how I should handle this going forward?

LegacyUser

It was mentioned in passing at the start I could go but in all honest but her and I know that was never going to happen. It wasn't really a couples holiday with only 1 couple on it and the rest single!

She didn't no them but this couple are getting married so her and her friend are bridesmaid and the rest of these guys grooms men.

Merkin

That language will not be tolerated in PI Deco99. Do not post in this thread again and kindly consider your posting style in future before posting anything else in PI.

sReq | uTeK

I suppose I'd be questioning as to why she even wanted to go in the 1st place without you... her friend was bring her fiancee, why could she not bring you......Also your partner is going to be hanging out with 6 single guys she or you have never met in your life. I'd be uncomfortable with this.

I would NEVER stop my wife going away on a holiday with her friends but if she came to me and said X and her fiancee are going and 6 other guys I've never met the 1st question I'd be asking is...was the invite not extended to me, your boyfriend of 3 years.

The 2nd thing I'd be questioning is was it only a kiss ?

Big decisions to be made. To me a kiss is just as intimate as the act itself, sometimes even more so depending on the circumstances. I'd find it very hard to be going back after this.

Mr. Incognito

It sounds like the wedding party went away on a holiday so they would all know each other at the wedding.

If drink and drugs were involved I doubt it ended with a brief kiss. She is probably only telling you that to cover her ass in case someone makes some innuendo at the wedding.

This isn't one that you can keep to yourselves. She is going to be bridesmaid at this ladies wedding and the wedding party knows that your missus copped off with one of the lads. That's not a wedding I would be comfortable attending.

I would tell her bluntly, if she valued the relationship its not a wedding that she should now be attending either.

The red flag for me would her wanting to go in the first place, the second red flag would be going without inviting you and the third red flag would be kissing someone while there.

It all points to a level of orcastration to put herself in a position that involves planning and execution.

I think on balance, personally, I would end it. Once the trust is gone. It's gone forever.

CaraMay

I agree with mr incognito. Her heart isn't in the engagement. If it was none of this would have happened. Walk

skallywag

This is a really lousy position for you to be in OP, you have my full empathy as I've once been in a very similar position myself.

For me the kiss itself was not the issue, I tend to be pretty level headed and logical about such things and could see it for what it was. I did my best to put it behind me, but to be honest, as hard as I genuinely tried, it just ate my up. I was suspicious of everything from this point onward, to the point of being completely paranoid.

If you genuinely think that it was a fleeting stupid drunken mistake then I would say give it a go and see how it sits with you as time passes by. But don't beat yourself up too much if you can't shake it off and feel like you need to move on.

whiskeyman

I'd seriously question your future with this woman.
She has v little respect for you in my opinion.

pookie82

guest car wrote: »

She says she was really drunk and cant remember it properly. I think there was drugs involved too. She told me it was a 2 second thing and stopped pretty soon into it.

These two sentences conflict if I'm honest. She remembers it, or she doesn't.

If she does, she's lying in order to be vague about it.
If she doesn't, she cant say for sure how long they kissed for or what else might have happened beyond that.

You can't blame something like drink or drugs for "making" you do something stupid, something you can barely even remember, and at the same time assure the person it ended there, with a 2 second kiss. She's lying about one, you have to find out which.

Did she say how far into the trip this happened? If it happened near the start, who's to say they didn't do it again later in the holiday? If it happened at the end, there must have been some sort of flirting going on all week to lead to it.

I can understand you being paranoid about her going on a holiday with six single lads but in theory there should have been no issue. It should have been easy as pie to stay true to the man she has agreed to marry and keep herself to herself. If the second she's in the company of a few single lads a slip up like this happens, I'd wonder if her heart is in you guys at all, and if it'll happen again the next time she has a few drinks and is out with a single crowd?

I'd also steer well clear of that wedding and ask her to do the same if you guys want to recover from this.

ihavenoname3

pookie82 wrote: »

These two sentences conflict if I'm honest. She remembers it, or she doesn't.

If she does, she's lying in order to be vague about it.
If she doesn't, she cant say for sure how long they kissed for or what else might have happened beyond that.

You can't blame something like drink or drugs for "making" you do something stupid, something you can barely even remember, and at the same time assure the person it ended there, with a 2 second kiss. She's lying about one, you have to find out which.

Did she say how far into the trip this happened? If it happened near the start, who's to say they didn't do it again later in the holiday? If it happened at the end, there must have been some sort of flirting going on all week to lead to it.

I can understand you being paranoid about her going on a holiday with six single lads but in theory there should have been no issue. It should have been easy as pie to stay true to the man she has agreed to marry and keep herself to herself. If the second she's in the company of a few single lads a slip up like this happens, I'd wonder if her heart is in you guys at all, and if it'll happen again the next time she has a few drinks and is out with a single crowd?

I'd also steer well clear of that wedding and ask her to do the same if you guys want to recover from this.

I have to agree with this, if you are with someone you should trust them with your life that they will never cheat on you, so you should not have been worried about her going on this trip, and if you cant trust your partner then you should find someone you can trust. I would be walking if I was you.

retro:electro

I think you're letting her off too easily on this op. "I don't rememeber much but I do rememeber that it was only two seconds and I stopped it". That's bs and a classic excuse. It's her way of telling you enough and easing her guilt but not really telling you what truly happened. She either remembers or she doesn't.

Did you ask whether it happened at the beginning or end of the trip? I'd be demanding answers from her if I were you, and if she's being vague and hesitant tell her if she doesn't tell you then you'll ask the guy.

LegacyUser

pookie82 wrote: »

Did she say how far into the trip this happened? If it happened near the start, who's to say they didn't do it again later in the holiday? .

Thanks for all the advice so far people. It happened on the second last night from what I was told. Its a lot to take in. I definitely have a lot more digging to do with her tonight on it when she gets back from work.

If it was just a kiss I'l get over it but if anything else I'm not having it

dafunk

I don't think the OP mentioned that they are engaged. He refered to her as his gf.


Gonna go against the grain here and say I think you might have brought this a little on yourself.

You said you were pissed off and depressed for weeks before she went. Why? Because you didn't trust her? Were you making it clear to her that you weren't happy with how you behaved towards her or did you sit down and tell her why you were unhappy about it?

I'm going to give my frank opinion here and say that if I planned a holiday and my SO got pissed off about me going instead of excited for me I'd be going off on that trip reconsidering whether I'd be staying in that relationship.

The Dark Side

dafunk wrote: »

You said you were pissed off and depressed for weeks before she went. Why? Because you didn't trust her?

And it looks like he was right not to.


Awful victim-blaming post.

LegacyUser

dafunk wrote: »

I don't think the OP mentioned that they are engaged. He refered to her as his gf.
.

No we are not engaged. I agree somewhat with what you are saying as well

Thanks for all the advice so far folks. It happened on the second last night apparently

My mind wasn't clear at all last night when I was told so will do some proper digging tonight and try find out the exact details on what happened.

If it was just a kiss I'll get over it but if there is more to it I'm gone

Dark Phoenix

OP I think there are two issues here.

The first being your reaction to her going. Now I'd agree that it was odd and I'd have questioned her as to why she wanted to go on holiday with a couple and some singletons. However being utterly depressed before and during the trip yourself is a bit extreme it would imply to be that either a) you are very emotionally invested in the relationship and she is the source if your happiness in life (you should always try and be your own source of happiness relationship or not) or b) there was something about how she acted that made you suspect that something like this could happen. Has she ever behaved like this before? Did she invite you to go? Did you ask to go and what did she say?

As for what to do now I'd be having a serious talk and then decide wether or not to walk away. he blurting it out and crying doesnt absolve what she did, being drunk is not excuse and its horribly disrecpectful to you. I mean are younow meant to be afraid she will do ut whenever she gets drunk? I'd sadly be wondering was it just a kiss or was there more and she is just telling you what she fears you will find out? She doesnt sound hugely remorseful which would bother me

LegacyUser

Dark Phoenix wrote: »

OP I think there are two issues here.

The first being your reaction to her going. Now I'd agree that it was odd and I'd have questioned her as to why she wanted to go on holiday with a couple and some singletons. However being utterly depressed before and during the trip yourself is a bit extreme it would imply to be that either a) you are very emotionally invested in the relationship and she is the source if your happiness in life (you should always try and be your own source of happiness relationship or now) or b) there was something about how she acted that made you suspect that something like this could happen. Has she ever behaved like this before? Did she invite you to go? Did you ask to go and what did she say?

As for what to do now I'd be having a serious talk and then decide wether or not to walk away. he blurting it out and crying doesnt absolve what she did, being drunk is not excuse and its horribly disrecpectful to you. I mean are younow meant to be afraid she will do ut whenever she gets drunk? I'd sadly be wondering was it just a kiss or was there more and she is just telling you what she fears you will find out? She doesnt sound hugely remorseful which would bother me

Thanks for the response. I guess the reason for the depression is (A) I seem to have lost contact with friends over the last while. Probably spending too much time with her.

I was asked did I want to go but it did feel very genuine. It wouldn't have been my sort of trip anyway. She hasn't behaved like this before and things were great.

I don't think she was telling me in fear about finding out. I'm not close with these people. Don't know most of them so I don't think I would ever have found out

ElizaBennett

I agree with others that the fact she wanted to go at all is most disappointing. If she had convinced you that it was a trip that was necessary because of wedding preparations and / or she badly needed a break at the time and you couldn't go anyway etc, then she should have gone off, leaving you happy at home that she could be trusted, if this was the type of relationship you had.
She should have gone out of her way to reassure you, knowing you had misgivings. But sadly she did the opposite.
I just think it was odd to begin with that she even wanted to go. I'd hate to leave my bf behind at home while I was off enjoying myself - but I'd only do it if it was a friends or family trip. Not with strangers.

pookie82

dafunk wrote: »

I'm going to give my frank opinion here and say that if I planned a holiday and my SO got pissed off about me going instead of excited for me I'd be going off on that trip reconsidering whether I'd be staying in that relationship.

... would you extend that to cheating on them to prove a point?

How about you decide this isn't how you want to move forward and have the decency to break up with them before kissing someone else?

No action of his before the event excuses what she did.

Peist2007

She's lying. I would walk.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'd urge you to consider that she is probably telling the truth. She told you straight away and as you said, its unlikely you would have found out otherwise. I have experienced memory impairment a number of times when I've been drunk and think what she says about her not remembering much but knowing it was only 2 seconds is plausible. People who don't experience memory impairment like this find it hard to believe/understand but it does happens. Personally, I find it hard to recall precise details of events but have a good idea of what happened.

I do not think being drunk is an excuse and I would expect her to monitor her future drinking closer but it does give a rational explanation to what happened.

She has given you no reason not to trust her before now. Is it worth giving up a good relationship over an extremely brief mistake?

Confucius say

An unsavory ex of mine disappeared after a row one night. First she said she stayed at a friends. Found out that wasnt true. Then she stayed somewhere else. Not true. Then i found out she had sex with someone, but it was ok as she was so wasted she barely remembered and it only lasted a second until she realised what was happening and stopped it! Like the Pakistani premiership footballer - asif!
I tried to get on with things but never looked at her the same way again and eventually it ended.
There are so many questions and untruths. Do yourself a favour mate and walk, there are girls out there who would never even put themselves in dodgy situations like that. No girl is worth the stress this is causing you now and will continue to do so.

Also. Why did she even tell you? I'd just rather not know, if it was just a kiss. Something amiss here methinks.

buried

Sorry to hear about your situation OP but I'd walk. I'd assume the only reason she told you anything was in case one of this gang decides to create a bit of drama at this wedding by either telling you what happened or hint at it, so I doubt she is totally telling you the truth at all. IMO She just wants to get her tame side of the grim story in first, before anybody else does.
I'd be walking, in fact, I'd be running. Sorry.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Sorry you're in this situation, it cant be pleasant!
I definitely think there is more to this than a kiss (lasting 2 secs then isn't remembered ??!?!).
That's her spinning you a line.

There is a lot more talking needed before you decide anything.

I would also ask her what she suggests in saving the relationship - I would bet you anything she'll have very few suggestions!
I could be wrong but I don't get a real sense of disclosure or remorse from what has been said to date.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

So I went through it again with her last night. Head was clear and I wanted all the details

The story I got was. Lots of drinking in the pubs and clubs. What she couldn't remember was exactly what happened on the night out.

Got back to the villa around 6. More drinking and messing in the pool.

Her and her friend went to go to bed and invited this guy in cause his room mate was scoring some girl he brought home.

Her friend passed out. This guy tried to score her. She stopped it really quick and they all just passed out.

Next day the rest of group new what had happened. Apparently this guy had kissed her friend as well so there was some slagging going on. She get real upset about it and realised what she had done.

I put it to her that she was only telling me this because the group new and she was afraid I was going to find out worse. She denys this and tells me she just felt it was right to have no secrets

She swears blind that it was just a quick kiss.

I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt and try and put this to the back of my mind.

No guarantee that things will work but its worth a shot in my opinion. If there is any more of this behaviour I'm off and will have no regrets.

Thanks for all the advice folks

Mr. Incognito

Good luck with it Buddy.

However, if you are going to continue the relationship you have to really let it go and not throw it back at her at every little fight.

Also, I wouldnt be going to that wedding together or seperately.

Maurice Greene.

I think you are making a mistake.
The red flag for me was that she did not want to bring her boyfriend with her on a holiday with 6 other men going to the same villa. Why did she not want you there?
Of course you did not want her to go and the fact that you were afraid to tell her about your problem with it before she went says that you are afraid to express your feelings to her. This is another red flag.
You tell her about depression after she comes home, a bit late for that and it looks weak.
She tells you something happened while you were away. She said it was just a kiss but i think thats BS.
She sees herself getting away with this now so be prepared for more problems in the future. She did not respect you then and she respects you even less now.
Break up with her now before you get hurt with more of the same as this will not be the end of it.

P. Breathnach

If I read it correctly, it was a trip for the bridal party: the couple getting married, the bridesmaids and the groomsmen (although six groomsmen to two bridesmaids looks like an odd ratio). So I think it okay that she went without OP.

In my book, she was unwise to drink so much that she was not fully in control of the situation she was in - but I'm older, and old-fashioned. Younger people take more risks than I ever did.

As you now report it, OP, it looks more as if the guy tried it on with her, and she was not as fast in stopping things as she should have been.

I'd count it as mitigation that he also tried it on with the other girl. It's not as if your girlfriend went off in private with him - it seems to have been a situation where a lecher was trying his luck with two drunken women. And then was prepared to talk about it the next day.

I think you are right to give her the benefit of the doubt. As the question is out in the open between you, I think you can ask her to be careful in future not to put herself in such a vulnerable position. And she should keep as far away from this man as she can.

LegacyUser

Firstly, good luck, hope it is as she says.

Just to say, what was the set up in the house that the lad couldn't sleep on the couch or crash in with the other lads on the trip? Seems odd to me that he ended up back in a room with girls but I suppose he was playing the odds.

On the otherhand, you seem like a decent guy but maybe you are relying a bit too much on her? (drifting from your friends, getting depressed that she's away etc.) You need to be your own person, even within a relationship. I get that you miss her when she's away but there's a difference in being depressed and missing someone.

Anyhow, good luck with it.

galwayredgirl

I have to admit that I went off in a guy's car on a weekend away in the early stages of my relationship and I told my bf (now my hubby) a completely sanitised version of events afterwards i.e. that we just talked in case some motor mouth let it slip after a few drinks later. Sorry this probably doesn't help!

Keane2baMused

I've personal experience of finding out the hard way that number 1 these things often aren't a once off and 2 that there is a big difference between what you are told and what actually happened!

I hope ye can work it out if it's what you want but ask yourself can you truly move on from it?

Snatchy

Good luck OP - you're a braver man than me.

If it were me, the fact alone that she would want to be going on this holiday without me would royally p*ss me off but if I subsequently were to find out that she did what your girl did, I would be crushed beyond any reconciliation. I would run out of self-respect (and bitter, bitter and irreconcilable disappointment and sadness). I feel awful for you.

Saipanne

guest car wrote: »

Mod snip - please don't quote full posts that are this long, it impacts our mobile users. You are more than welcome to quote key sections but whole posts have a negative impact on others.

Personally, I have zero tolerance for this behaviour. I would end it.

meeeeh

I find holidays for bridal party a bit ridiculous but seriously, do some people here think their girlfriends will just start sleeping around if they are without them for a few days. Time to forbid golfing trips or match trips then because there could be other women/men there. I have a mixed group of friends and have been on quite a few holidays with different male friends, I slept in the same room or even same bed. Nothing not even a hug happened when I was single and nothing happened when I was in a relationship. Not every trip is an orgy waiting to happen.

Now in this case something did happen. It was stupid, disrespectful and irresponsible. I think it is an offence that can be forgiven but only if you are sure she is worth it. If your relationship is otherwise stable and happy and more importantly if you are in a good place with her. I think your depression was very extetreme reaction to her going and I am wondering if a bit of distance couldn't be actually beneficial.

lemmno

I'd just like to say it breaks my heart to read this. I had something similar happen to me and at the time id have preferred it if he had punched me in the face. It's sly,sneaky and a true sign of a weak, cowardly individual. I left.
I was told afterward, by a friend, that it happens all the time, and the only difference was I knew about it. And taking into account the amount of people I know who its happened to or who have done it I've often wondered since about that statement she made.
Lots of people I know are married to cheaters, and they don't know it. Personally I don't think you'll ever look at her the same way again. You need to decide if you can live with that. Mind yourself, I hope whatever you decide things work out for you.

Saipanne

meeeeh wrote: »

do some people here think their girlfriends will just start sleeping around if they are without them for a few days.

Now in this case something did happen.

Hmm.

captbarnacles

I don't like it OP. The story she gave you in my view is the best or least worst scenario for her and you once she'd admitted cheating.

ColeTrain

First off sorry for your situation OP.

If it was me a couple of years ago, I'd have done the same as you and tried to make it work.

Not now though, I'd walk tbh. Imagine if the roles were reversed, how would she react? You've got to try and put yourself first here, you deserve better than this and at the end of the day you're only relying on her story, which probably isn't what really happened.

Best of luck.

blatantrereg

I'm sure she'll do it again, now that you've accepted it. She'll have less respect for you now, and less inhibited because you've deemed it acceptable.

More happened than she related to you. Claiming not to be able to remember is a definite cop-out. Even if true, she was with a big group and could easily ask.

She was definitely at least open to cheating from the start, if not actively intending to. You weren't being paranoid or irrationally insecure by being bothered by it. You were alarmed for very good reason.

At some point the distress she causes you will outweigh how emasculated you will be to the point you dump her. Until then you are flogging a dead horse.

She effectively ended the relationship when she broke the foundation of it by cheating. Now you are accepting a new relationship based on the acceptance of cheating. It won't be the same, and it's not a viable relationship to pursue.

mangotracy

I don't know, I think it all depends on how much you think you and your gf have already.

If I were you I'd take a step back, let her sweat a bit, get out yourself (not retaliate) but just go out a bit and be less available for a little while. Think about whether you have got something worth fighting for.

Ask her for complete honesty and then if you think it is worth it, give her another chance. But use it to talk about what you can make better in your relationship in general.

S

HardenendMan

I'd echo the other posters' advice - you probably have been given a watered down story of what happened. Plus I think there is a strong liklehood that you were only told to stop it getting to you from someone else.

My standard is what my wife would do in your GF's situation. Tell any lad to get the beep away from her if he even suggested anything. Cheaters make her sick.

It's very easy for us to say get rid. That's a big step to take for you and I don't envy you.

You will always have niggling doubts. Even when she goes out for drinks with friends without you. What you want is what I am lucky enough to have. Someone that would tell Brad Pitt to pee off if he tried it on.

thierry14

Are you going to the wedding OP?

Saipanne

HardenendMan wrote: »

I'd echo the other posters' advice - you probably have been given a watered down story of what happened. Plus I think there is a strong liklehood that you were only told to stop it getting to you from someone else.

My standard is what my wife would do in your GF's situation. Tell any lad to get the beep away from her if he even suggested anything. Cheaters make her sick.

It's very easy for us to say get rid. That's a big step to take for you and I don't envy you.

You will always have niggling doubts. Even when she goes out for drinks with friends without you. What you want is what I am lucky enough to have. Someone that would tell Brad Pitt to pee off if he tried it on.

That's too far. My girlfriend can talk to guys if she likes. I still trust her enough not to do anything.

meeeeh

This thread is funny. I think some people here list potential partners as saints or sinners and nothing in between. Reality is a lot more complex and and the most perfect of the perfect will be able to betray partner's trust in some way. So it really is to OP and his gut feeling. But personally I would never trust a woman who would send Brad Pitt packing straight away. Too perfect to be true.

lemmno

And that's what she does in front of her husband....
If Brad Pitt were to come up to her after a bad patch with you (maybe you've left your socks on the floor one too many times, maybe you didn't stand up for her in that argument with whoever, maybe you left her on her own while you went out with the boys etc etc)I'm not saying she'd cheat...but she'd think about it! It doesn't matter how lucky we know we are, if something is on a plate and it seems for a split second like a good idea that's all it takes. Only human. I myself have never cheated and I doubt I ever will. But nothing surprises me anymore!