Awkward girl problem in work

LegacyUser

I work in a very small company (9-10 people) and I’m in direct contact with only 4 of those every day. 3 of them I get on well with, but the 4th has gone from a friend to a crush to a girl I've fallen in love with. And it's become a major, major problem.

She joined us about a year ago and for the first 9 months we totally hit it off. Even though she’s an absolutely stunning girl, I never saw her as anything other than a new sister. We had no problem talking about girls I liked or guys she liked, and we regularly met up outside work for drinks, all totally platonic. I’d consider her as one of my best friends and she’d say the same about me.

Unfortunately that only lasted so long. Something struck a chord with me about 2/3 months ago that made me realise she wasn't just a friend anymore. I spent a few weeks trying to shake it off because I knew how godawful that would make things. People move on from crushes all the time right?

But sadly it’s not just a crush anymore. It’s a full-blown infatuation, the type we've all experienced. Can't sleep. Can't eat. I’ve tried extra hard to meet new girls to help me move on from it, but it keeps coming back to her. And now every day I dread going to a job I used to enjoy.

She doesn't know yet, and I'm 99% sure she doesn't feel the same way. Problem is, the best way to get over unrequited love (avoid all contact) is simply not an option for me. When I mean we can’t avoid each other, I mean it. Literally, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, we are sitting about 4 feet from each other. Neither of us can do our job properly without being in constant communication with each other, all day. How the hell am I meant to deal with that?

If I tell her and she feels the same, I'm not even sure how a relationship would work because of our situation. If she doesn't then I don't know if our close friendship (or a successful work partnership) would recover. Or I don't tell her at all and I continue to pretend nothing's wrong until it finally passes, whether it be weeks or months. And I'm left wondering about that 1%.

bee06

I've been there and it's so hard. I feel your pain. In my case I worked with this guy for 6 years and he had a girlfriend as well. I can't really give advice on how to get over it because in the end I married him (after he broke up with the girlfriend). It probably doesn't help you very much but at one time all I had was probably 1% that he liked me too but it was so worth it in the end.

Addle

I say ask her out, but be prepared to handle the consequences maturely.

Virgil°

Ouch tough one OP, been there alright. I'd also say ask her out. Tell her you realise how awkward it could make things but that you just can't shake off your feelings for her.

Seeing as how you feel for her so strongly, I personally would be searching for alternative employment regardless of the answer you get.

pookie82

Not sure I agree on the asking-her-out advice ... you've already mentioned that a) you don't think it's reciprocated and b) even if it was, it'd be super awkward dating/sleeping with someone you work 4 feet from all day every day.

I'd keep concentrating on trying to find dates elsewhere and maybe in the future, if either of you move positions or jobs, you can ask her out from a safe "distance" if it doesn't fade.

But I can't see any good coming of pursuing it now. I work in a similar situation (in terms of the closeness of people and the size of the company) and I couldn't imagine chancing anything of the sort in here.

If anything were to happen, I think your best bet would be waiting for it to happen "naturally" on a social occasion or something. If you guys go for drinks a lot and she fancies you too, it'll surely come to the fore on a night out at some stage.

Addle

If you're genuine, and treat your colleague with respect, there's no reason for it to be awkward.

December2012

I think there's no need for you to keep feeling this torture. Can you look for a different job?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice all. A few things...

Looking for alternative employment isn't an option. A new job would mean a new county, new house, new friends etc. Whatever happens I have to deal with it in work for the medium/long term because I can't go anywhere.

I'm slowly starting to think I shouldn't tell her. I know the general consensus is to always tell a single girl how you feel, but I'm getting the feeling this is one of the few times that doesn't apply. The cons far outweigh the pros.

The only problem is I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep on pretending. I've got a bad feeling I haven't been able to hide it as well as I thought, and I'm afraid she will suspect something is up in the next few days. For instance, on Monday morning if she tells me about this guy she met over the weekend, I simply won't be able to handle it.

Does anyone know how best to move on from this, assuming I don't tell her?

December2012

If that's the case, then maybe you should just tell her.

Don't place any expectation on her, she may get a surprise. It will force you to deal with it and modify your behaviour and relationship.

However, do not actually have this conversation in work. Can you arrange to meet her outside work hours?

CaraMay

What do you mean you won't be able to handle it if she tell you about another guy? That sounds very dramatic op. This is work, not a nightclub. You have to be professional. Are you getting any work done?. If you don't want to hear it tell her you don't want to talk about personal stuff in work.

mada82

I think you're blowing this out of proportion. How can you love someone you aren't with? You mean you fancy her, just ask her out in a date, it's no big deal.

jarvis

Tell her she needs to treat you as her work husband and not tell you about her weekend conquests as you'll be too upset to work.
Just start dropping hints and see if she responds.

I think it's odd for any girl to tell a male work mate about her conquests at the weekend even if they do work closely together. So maybe she's looking for a reaction.

Drop one hint and if no positive reply just forget it. Then each time she mentions a conquest just hold up your hand and say 'work husband'.

Worst case scenario is she will stop telling because you'll eother creep her out a bit or she'll realise you don't want to know.
Best case scenario, the work husband is played along with and possibly helps you move on.

mada82

jarvis wrote: »

Tell her she needs to treat you as her work husband and not tell you about her weekend conquests as you'll be too upset to work.
Just start dropping hints and see if she responds.

I think it's odd for any girl to tell a male work mate about her conquests at the weekend even if they do work closely together. So maybe she's looking for a reaction.

Drop one hint and if no positive reply just forget it. Then each time she mentions a conquest just hold up your hand and say 'work husband'.

Worst case scenario is she will stop telling because you'll eother creep her out a bit or she'll realise you don't want to know.
Best case scenario, the work husband is played along with and possibly helps you move on.

That work husband idea will make him look like a complete weirdo.

MileyReilly

Op is female

MileyReilly

Op is female

beks101

I don't get why this all has to be so dramatic.

You have a work crush. It feels obsessive and crazy and she's always on your mind because she sits four feet from you for eight hours of the day five days a week. But it's a work crush. Happens to everyone every day of the week. By convincing yourself you're in love with her and you'll never love anyone else and you can never tell her and will simply have to play the martyr to the cause of this unrequited love blah blah blah...you are really making things worse for yourself.

She's just another human being you happen to fancy a whole lot and haven't done anything about so it's become this nuclear bomb in your brain. It's not the big deal you are painting it to be.

So what are your options?

Well, 1. you tell her. Don't go thundering in there announcing your undying love for her, that's just mental. Head out for a few pints some night , get talking about your respective dating lives, ask her how she feels about your friendship and tell her you must confess that for the last while you've felt something more than "work mates" for her.

That she doesn't have to respond straight away, and you have no expectations, but just had to throw it out there. You're a professional and will continue to be a professional but it is what it is, and you thought you'd mention in case there was anything there on her end too. Life is short and all that craic.

To be perfectly honest, I'd say she already has more than an inkling. Women always do, trust me. I've seen this play out again and again in my own working life and I've been on both sides of it. They always know.

2. You endeavour to get over it and distract yourself with other girls. I've had work crushes that became highly annoying and inconvenient and I knew could never translate to anything, so as a single woman I just accepted that this guy was hot and insufferably lovely and I'd probably always be attracted to him, but took it upon myself to meet more guys. Meet lots of guys. Find someone else to fixate on. Start dating a lot.

I think when you're single and working closely with guys/girls/whatever you're into, this sort of an infatuation scenario can happen quite easily. Of course it can. This person is filling a void. She's like your work girlfriend. The close chats, the relentless communication, the confiding in one another, going for lunch together.

If you want to truly get over her without telling her, you're going to need to make a strong effort to A. date a hell of a lot of other women and B. put some distance between the two of you. Of course it's possible. Continue to be friendly and professional, but have lunch plans every time. Pack your lunch, keep conversation to work-only, don't confide in her or encourage her to confide in you. Speed out the door when 5pm hits because you need to get to the gym because you're training for a marathon or have a date with this new girl you're seeing. It is one million percent possible. You might lose a friend in a sense, but is that any worse than the situation you're already in?

Katgurl

MileyReilly wrote: »

Op is female

Where are you getting this from?

If that's the case has the girl in work given any indication she's bisexual?

I agree with the other poster that it all aounds a bit dramatic ie not being able to handle it.

You have a crush on her but don't think it's reciprocated. I say make a move too but be prepared to get over it if you're red-carded; ask her out for a drink and then say "so what's this guy got that I haven't?" Or something to that effect and gauge her reaction.

If it's not favourable then make a huge effort to move on - it's not her fault if she doesn't share your feelings so don't hold it against her. As a previosu poster said get busy dating and steer things away from personal matters. She will probably cop that you liked her but it won't be a problem if you don't make it a problem and if she's as great a girl as you've suggested she will give you a little space to get over it.