Were you cheated on?

LegacyUser

May I please ask ....
If you were cheated on previously....

Did you stay in the relationship?
Was it ever the same?
Did you trust again?

I am married and my Husband started an emotional affair on line.
I found out and we are trying to work through things...
some days it even looks hopeful for us.

And than there are days like today, where I wonder at it all.
He is not the man I thought he was.
And i know i had said i forgive him and am trying (and i am really trying)
but the hurt and betrayal are attacking me today
and i feel so used.

Will it get better??
and THANKS for reading.

knucklehead6

..

sbsquarepants

I was.
I did stay (for a while)
It was never the same, I never trusted her again and we split up about 6 months later. In hind sight - it was very definitely for the best.
Certainly didn't feel like that at the time though!

giggle84

I was cheated on, I was young and wasn't married, it was a physical one night stand rather than an emotional affair. I took him back, it wasn't the same for a long time but we did eventually get back to a good place and I got over it and I was happy. We were together for another couple of years but eventually broke up and I later learned he had cheated on me again. The damage to my self esteem lasted several years, it took me a really long time to accept that his behaviour was a reflection on him, not me. He was just a bad guy and I didn't realise it at the time.

I do firmly believe that every situation is different though. I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

Neyite

I don't think it can ever be exactly the same -you cant un-know what you know. But I've seen where a different but equally happy relationship comes out of the mess.

Is he truly remorseful and being open and honest with you? Has he cut off all contact with the other woman? Is he being transparent with his phone /PC? Is he answering all your questions honestly - even if the answer is not what you want to hear? Is he assuming full responsibility for what he did? If so then yes, its possible to come back from it, but it will take time, and you'll have good days and bad days along the way.

More importantly, you are allowed to take the time you need to process it. You don't have to have answers for your relationship yet or how you feel - that will change day to day right now, and you are allowed to try your best and call it a day down the line if you don't feel this works for you any more.

Counselling (joint and separate) might help you process your thoughts, and a book called Not just friends by Shirley Glass, I've heard is an excellent book about dealing with affair aftermath.

TizTaly2015

My partner kept a huge secret from me also and we are currently trying to mend our marriage. On top of that, I am trying to mend my confidence and self esteem.

My advice to you is - get counselling, for you. This has been my lifeline through all this.

Also, if he agrees, go to couples counselling. We started last night and, while it was horrific, I have been advised that it will help us through this, even if we split at the end of it. Its not what we want but, like what you said above, when the person you think you know all of a sudden becomes a stranger nearly, it can be likened to grieving. Well, that's what my counsellor has told me!

Basically, you've lost something so precious in your life - trust, the man you thought you knew - so in a way, its a massive loss to you.

Will it get better? It will. Things always get better. But it will take time but first and foremost, take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself because, and I know from experience, you can eat yourself up with questions and worries.

Take care OP x

endacl

Every day is a new start, once both are prepared to take responsibility for their share of what's right and what's wrong in the relationship.

Applies to the best of times, and the worst of times.

Catari Jaguar

Watch the Ted Talk on Infidelity. It's really eye opening and good unbiased advice.

kittycati

Yes and lasted a little while, tried again but in the end couldn't work out. Thankfully it was years ago and would never wish it on anyone. I guess you're trying in a way maybe to see the success stories of infidelity but if you are going to forgive you have to also forget and that's a big thing.. You can't bring it up in fights in future and now everything has to be from scratch.. And you have to ask yourself, knowing what has happened can you wholeheartedly trust this person in the future????
Some people can move on from this others can't..
Guess you won't really know til you try. That decision is up to you for making in the first place. Niobody else can make it for you.

Colser

It will never be the same again for the person who got cheated on imo..always at the back of your mind no matter how you try to forget it..its actually like a bug that you just cant shake and leaves you with this kind of anxiety(for want of a better word) thats constantly present.
Its a horrible thing to go through tbh and something that I would have never have understood until it happened to me,prior to that I would have told someone to get over and move on but its way more debilitating than that unfortunately.

quadrifoglio verde

Yep she told me that shed got with another guy on a night out. Broke it up there and then. Not because I didn't think I could trust her again, I could, I just couldn't see myself being able to be intimate with her again for a long time without picturing someone else. A relationship without intimacy doesn't appeal to me, so I broke up straight away.
Looking back a few months later I'm glad I did. I could take her back as a best friend tomorrow, but girl friend (we were together for 5 years) not a chance.

Keane2baMused

I was cheated on by my ex. Should have had more cop on as he cheated on his (ex) wife through their whole relationship and marriage and then I met him and he was very upfront about his past! I was different though 'apparently' and he would "NEVER do that to me". 3 years on and I walked away from him after his second night in 3 weeks of staying out an entire night until the following afternoon with no explanation as to where he was but guilt written all over him. He had previously kissed someone at the beginning of the relationship also which I forgave him for. I just knew he cheated and he never had the balls to admit it.

After that the trust was gone and it was never going to come back.

Ask yourself can you really truly forgive and trust again. If not walk away and save yourself alot of stress and paranoia.

Payton

Yes I've been cheated on. After 20 or so years of marriage I found out my ex was having affairs with other guys....I questioned myself and even blamed myself as one does.."I could have been a better husband" or "was I showing her enough attention". I beat myself up over it which I suppose is a natural emotion. I offered for us to fix things as she was my childhood sweetheart but deep down I knew the trust was gone....it's like a mirror that's broken as in you can try and put it together but what you see is totally different. I still loved her but things would never be the same, while we were trying to fix things I found out she was texting another guy. Done and dusted.
The pain was unreal but with a lot of counseling for myself and a wonderful family I'm a hell of a lot better now....I love my life now, I fill my life with things I get positivity from and with that positive people come into my life, but I still have that little instinct of the trust issue lingering.
OP things will get better, easy for me to say it now but try not to over think things....take each day as it comes. It will get better for you....whether your part of a couple depends on what you each put into working it out.

alibab

I was cheated on throughout my marriage. The first time moved out and came back one day 6 months later and silly me took him back and did counselling etc .

6 months later happened again there was a pattern etc and I knew but I bud my time that time after the mind games etc and being accused of being paranoid and waited for him to trip himself up. I think if you get to that stage no coming back . I am fully divorced now etc and have moved on life is better but was hard at the start.

I am in another relationship now but I found out that he had been chatting to a women via text he went online. This was a few months back not living together and I ended it but then something happened where I needed support and we just kind of continued . He thinks all is ok it was discussed he made a mistake and I should not bring it up again .

Now things have settled down and I have time to think I know this relationship is doomed . The resentment is setting in and I can't move on from his attitude of I never actually met her so you should just move on from it . Not that easy for me given my history etc . So in my opinion once trust is gone it is gone .

sbsquarepants

Catari Jaguar wrote: »

Watch the Ted Talk on Infidelity. It's really eye opening and good unbiased advice.

The Esther Perel one? I watched it only the other day coincidentally - it was very good.

I think OP it all depends on what you both want - for me it never worked afterwards because the desire wasn't really there to work at it - the relationship had run it's course and we'd been kind of coasting for a while before hand. I wasn't willing to put the effort in to fix it and adopted a churlish kind of "you broke it, you fix it" approach, she eventually reached a point where she wasn't willing to make any more amends and we just went our separate ways. If you BOTH really want to fix it - it's fixable, if either or both are a bit iffy - then it's not.

Jamaican Me Crazy

I think you've gotten lots of sensible advice here. If you both really want to work things out and commit to your relationship then it is fixable.

I was cheated on, forgave him and worked things out. Got to a good place but looking back it was just gloss on the surface. I could never really trust him again. He went on to cheat on me again and that was the end of it. I am a much stronger person for having come through the experience and I absolutely know my self worth now.

loveisdivine

My husband and I were recently in a similar position, about 9 months aog. I was the one in the wrong. For us, we had a major issue in our relationship that we had been ignoring for a long time, eventually it boiled over and became a disaster.

However, we both acknowledged that mistakes (albeit different kinds) had been made on both sides and with some joint (and single for myself) counselling we are now in a really good place. We are both much happier now, probably even happier than we were before it all kicked off. However horrible it was at the time, it forced us to really look at our issues and resolve them.

Basically we made sure something good came from it. I guess it all depends on your own feelings and perhaps why this affair happened. Obviously I'm not suggesting you are to blame, but I believe the reason for the affair would play a big part in whether you are able to work through it.

LegacyUser

It happened to me and it all worked out in the end. In a very good place now.

LegacyUser

My OH had an emotional affair over a year ago. We are still together but I won't lie, he thinks that everything is fine but is still hurts me as much now as it did when I found out. The big difference is that I am no longer angry, I am just sad now.

We had no big issues. They worked together, spent too much time together, she was going through a breakup and he was her knight in shining armour. By the time that I had realised what was happening, it was almost too late. The sh1t hit the fan for us on a Tuesday evening. Wednesday morning he got into work and found that she had booked the two of them on a conference together. A highly irrelevant conference and when he refused her offer she started crying. I always wonder what would have happened if I hadn't realised what was wrong the night before. I was so stupid and so blind.

Yup. A year on and he still thinks that we have a future. I know we don't, I just don't have the strength to leave yet. Be braver than me and don't end up in pain in a year.

Colser

Cheated On Too wrote: »

My OH had an emotional affair over a year ago. We are still together but I won't lie, he thinks that everything is fine but is still hurts me as much now as it did when I found out. The big difference is that I am no longer angry, I am just sad now.

We had no big issues. They worked together, spent too much time together, she was going through a breakup and he was her knight in shining armour. By the time that I had realised what was happening, it was almost too late. The sh1t hit the fan for us on a Tuesday evening. Wednesday morning he got into work and found that she had booked the two of them on a conference together. A highly irrelevant conference and when he refused her offer she started crying. I always wonder what would have happened if I hadn't realised what was wrong the night before. I was so stupid and so blind.

Yup. A year on and he still thinks that we have a future. I know we don't, I just don't have the strength to leave yet. Be braver than me and don't end up in pain in a year.

Exactly the same here except I still get angry at times..a year down the line seems like a long time but you have to get yourself back together before you tackle the actual split and all it entails.
The one bit of advise I would give anyone that is cheated on is to break up immediately because once they get over being caught the cheater will turn it all on you and twist everything..dont give them the satisfaction of that just dump them there and then.

LegacyUser

anonagain wrote: »

May I please ask ....
If you were cheated on previously....

Did you stay in the relationship?
Was it ever the same?
Did you trust again?

I am married and my Husband started an emotional affair on line.
I found out and we are trying to work through things...
some days it even looks hopeful for us.

And than there are days like today, where I wonder at it all.
He is not the man I thought he was.
And i know i had said i forgive him and am trying (and i am really trying)
but the hurt and betrayal are attacking me today
and i feel so used.

Will it get better??
and THANKS for reading.

I was in a relationship with a man I adored and he cheated but I forgave but tust me it never goes away the constant fear the constant second guessing everything they say .. It makes u feel psychotic always trying to catch them out
Honest to god I felt Like a crazy chic it was draining I was constantly checking fb for him or online dating profiles until one day I was like wtf!! I'm better than this, HES the problem not me, honest he will tell u everything u want to hear but don't make the mistake I did!!! Cut ties now
Once a cheat always a cheat!! Some creatures are beyond rescuing,, move on and don't look back
Plenty more fish In the pond..decent, honest, faithful ones trust me xxxxxx

Candycakes

I was in a relationship for 7 years with a man I adored and he cheated but I forgave but trust me it never goes away the constant fear the constant second guessing everything they say .. It makes u feel psychotic always trying to catch them out
Honest to god I felt Like a crazy chic it was draining I was constantly checking fb for him or online dating profiles until one day I was like wtf!! I'm better than this, HES the problem not me, honest he will tell u everything u want to hear but don't make the mistake I did!!!
After all his promising he done it again

Cut ties now
Once a cheat always a cheat!! Some creatures are beyond rescuing,, move on and don't look back
Plenty more fish In the pond..decent, honest, faithful ones trust me xxxxxx

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies, I really appreciate it.

I guess I am someplace in the middle of all the advice...
trying....
scared...
broken...
so so so trying to be hopeful... to want it work.

We have young children and i guess if i am truthful they are a HUGE part of my trying.

Jamaican Me Crazy

anonagain wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies, I really appreciate it.

I guess I am someplace in the middle of all the advice...
trying....
scared...
broken...
so so so trying to be hopeful... to want it work.

We have young children and i guess if i am truthful they are a HUGE part of my trying.

I have a young child too but it's worth more than gold when he says his mammy is always happy and smiling now

I understand your reasons for trying though and it is commendable but just don't think you wouldn't be able to go it alone if it comes to that. You would find the strength from somewhere.

LegacyUser

I discovered that my husband of 17 years had an affair . After much soul searching and many hours of thrashing it all out , i decided our marriage was worth salvaging . It took many , many years to get there , but I am so glad we worked through it . Our 'second marriage' as we call it , began when we made the decision to work things out and it is sooooo much better than our original marriage had become . Sometimes you need to realise what you've almost lost in order to appreciate it .
However , you both need to accept responsibility for what led to the affair , your partner must accept complete responsibility for engaging in the affair and must do everything in his/her power to rebuild the trust .
If you feel it's worth rebuilding your marriage , then do so , but remember it will be a long , arduous journey . And you will have many steps forward and many more steps backwards . Your old marriage is no more , but you can build a better and brighter new marriage if you are both completely invested in doing so .
Best of luck XX