Confronting a bully

LegacyUser

There were two cousins in my primary and part of secondary school (they left after JC). They would pick on weak people or those who they knew wouldn't react or get a rise out of.

It made me extremely uncomfortable a lot of the time and they bullied my younger brother for a day or so until I told them to leave him alone.

20 years on, I had a nightmare last night about them. I don't use social media but signed up a fake account and sent them both a message about how they made me and others feel. They are living in another country now and I wanted them to know, just something, I felt a little better. Have you ever confronted a bully? Not really interested in you giving them a hiding, solves very little in my opinion. Thanks for reading.

dudara

IMO, creating a fake account and sending them messages is akin to bullying.

What are you truly trying to achieve here?

Here's a secret, which I know you won't like - people change. 20 years is a long time and they could be different people now. Your sending them messages from a fake account is online bullying and is also just kind of petty.

Did it make you feel better?

Grandpa Hassan

Bully1 wrote: »

Not really interested in you giving them a hiding, solves very little in my opinion.

Well, you tried to give them a virtual hiding. Same thing. And they are likely different people now. It's been 20 years!!

I'm good friends with a guy who'd have been the classroom bully. Wasn't bullied but never got on at with him at school. Now he's happily married with three great kids and wouldn't even recognise the childhood him.

What did you want them to think when they got these messages? They probably can't relate you what you're saying

dori_dormer

Also does it say they have read the messages? Unless you became friends with them on Facebook, your message would have gone to their 'others' folder, which can only be accessed on a pc. If they use a phone/iPad all the time they'll never see it.

I agree with others, people do things as teens that they would never do as adults. Are you the same person as 20 yrs ago?

DoYouEvenLift

If you didn't create the account with it's location in the same country they live in then chances are they won't even see the messages since they'll go to their 'other' messages inbox which nobody ever checks.

Stavro Mueller

If they're still the unpleasant people they were as teenagers, they'll not give two hoots anyway.

ManOfMystery

I encountered a few bullies back in my school days, then after we left school I never saw them again for the best part of 16 years. Bumped into them at a reunion thing and guess what? They're friendly, nice and well adjusted guys.

Children are amazing little things, but they can also be vindictive and cruel if they want. They don't have the wisdom and life experience to always know what to make of their own behaviour never mind anyone else's. It's often a phase - sometimes a very long one - for many of them, and they usually grow out of it, with the odd exception to the rule.

You can't really judge an adult by their behaviour as a child. Growing up knocks a lot of common sense into most of us. Considering you weren't even a 'victim' of these 2 children back in the day, I think sending them an anonymous online message is akin to trolling and is in itself a form of bullying.

nozipcode

Whatever about anything else you certainly did not 'confront' them, you hid behind an anon ID, right?

20 years on, it's pretty pathetic . Get over yourself and leave them alone.

silverfeather

Just let it go.

Gregor Samsa

So you successfully stopped these two guys bullying your brother 20 years ago by talking to them face to face, but now 20 years later when they're no longer a part of your life, you had a random dream about them, so decided to message them anonymously to admonish them for what they did when they were kids?

It strikes me that you dealt with the situation better when you were a kid yourself than now when you're an adult.

connected1

I have sympathy for the OP here, as the nightmare obviously dredged up a lot of buried.emotions. As people pointed out, those bullies may well have grown up into totally different people so contacting them on FB wasn't the best thing to do. However as also pointed out, chances are they will never see the message so that's not too relevant. What's important is that the OP got to express how the boys' actions impacted on him/ her, and that probably gave some relief to the emotions that had lain buried for 20 years.
Therapists often advise writing letters to people who have hurt or harmed us, just to 'get it out of our system'. The letters don't need to be posted, it's expressing the feelings that count. We don't know what the FB post said, so calling it trolling is a bit harsh. It was airing something that the OP needed to say and they said it.

Rubberchikken

i'd say let it go. tbh they don't sound worth it.
i know peoplechange. 20 years is a long time and maybe they're better people now, maybe not. who knows?

i'd say the nightmare brough up old unwanted memories. is there anything happening in your life at the moment that's bothering you and would maybe make you have this dream?

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies. think my anger got the best of me and should have mulled it over before doing what i did. best to let it go and move on i think, it has been quite a while.

bimble

Bully1 wrote: »

thanks for the replies. think my anger got the best of me and should have mulled it over before doing what i did. best to let it go and move on i think, it has been quite a while.

My son was bullied at 8 by a 13 year old, we recently heard the bully now 24 works in a chip shop is grossly over weight and the bullied himself now, what goes around comes around, as they say

When a family member is being bullied, it is sickening, and needs to be addressed asap, as it will stay with the person who is the victim of it

I understand why you did what you did, they must look back in shame at what they done, to people, I suspect not though

captainfrost

You have not achieved anything here OP, they probably will just laught it off, and maybe call each other up and hook up and have a great time just like "old time".
Using your personal account with your picture would have being the confrontation.