left abusive partner what happens now?

hagoonabear

Today after nearly 3 years of name calling, physical abuse and controlling behaviour it's finally over with my partner and I . I called the gardai and told my family , now I'm living back at home with no money and no where for my daughter and I to go. I'm in tears writing this but I just couldn't deal with the abuse anymore

mg1982

You absolutley did the right thing and have nothing to be ashamed off. Did you try contacting some of the womans aid groups who deal with people who have to leave abusive or violent partners. Also i hope your parents can be supportive of you.

The_Valeyard

hagoonabear wrote: »

Today after nearly 3 years of name calling, physical abuse and controlling behaviour it's finally over with my partner and I . I called the gardai and told my family , now I'm living back at home with no money and no where for my daughter and I to go. I'm in tears writing this but I just couldn't deal with the abuse anymore

For the sake of your sanity, well-being and your daughters future, you did the right thing.

No one should, ever suffer what you have. You may be upset now, naturally it was a very difficult thing to do. But in the long run, it was the best desicion you could have made. Stand tall OP, you have done what many people are afraid to do. You took a courageous step, one that can help you begin a new life without fear, threats and abuse.

Penny Tration

Money and a new house will sort itself out in time.

Forget that. You have done such a strong, powerful, wonderful thing!

You've taken your child away from danger, you've sought help, you've walked away and protected yourself. You're an incredibly strong lady.

Money will sort itself out. You can talk to the social about that when you're ready.

I understand you're upset. Of course you are. This person was a massive part of your life.

But he's not now. All of the awful things he did - they're over. You NEVER have to deal with that kind of treatment again. Your baby never has to see it happen again.

You and your child are free. Whatever happens next, you should be so incredibly proud of yourself and your bravery. X

Rubberchikken

You must be very proud of your strength.
As the others have said, you've done the right thing but you need to absorb all of this and that's going to take time.

Contact social welfare/community welfare officer if you're stuck for finances. Ypu can talk to the council about housing.
But for now, be proud of yourself and look to a good future for you and your child.

Queen-Mise

Contact Vincent de Paul, send a email to central office with your address and telephone no, and they will forward your info to the local conference.

Contact your local women's aid.

Make appt with citizens advice, they will know all the legalities and what your entitled too.

And I'd probably start process for legal aid too.

Go to your doctor.

Contact barnados, and see about some help for your child if they need it.

And finally well done. Damn brave thing to do to walk out - the devil you know and all that.

Lisha

Congrats on such a life changing decision. Best of luck and stay strong. Your daughter will thank you in time to come.

Taltos

Not much I can add to the advice above OP.

Make sure you get or ask for all the help you can.
Take time for yourself each day, maybe a 5 minute coffee or a 1 hr walk, but learn to breath again.
Find a counsellor or someone you can confide in - talking to the right person helps.
Don't let the doubts destroy you, you've made one of the toughest choices you can and it was the right choice. Don't ever forget that.
Take it day by day, plan just one or two steps ahead, the longer term future will take care of itself soon enough, for now just focus on you, your child and today.

irishgirl19

Well done on leaving.
Haven't much to add to the previous posters advice but it wouldn't be a bad idea to get a protection order as well.

Merkin

hagoonabear wrote: »

Today after nearly 3 years of name calling, physical abuse and controlling behaviour it's finally over with my partner and I . I called the gardai and told my family , now I'm living back at home with no money and no where for my daughter and I to go. I'm in tears writing this but I just couldn't deal with the abuse anymore

Well done you. You've done absolutely the right thing for you and your daughter. Please, for now, don't look to the future and practicalities of same too much. You've managed to extricate yourself from an abusive relationship so give yourself a little time to draw breath and be good to yourself, work on your confidence and enjoy the security of being home with your family; everything will fall into place in its own time. Take care.

DoYouEvenLift

Sit back, relax and enjoy a normal life again where you don't have to endure a rotten scumbag being a prick to you anymore. Everything else will sort itself in time.

silverfeather

No it's time to get some counseling and to start rebuilding your life. http://www.cosc.ie/EN/COSC/NS/Domestic+Violence+Services+for+Women/Dublin here are some contacts. Also there is ACCORD.IE

You have done the right thing. You are brave and have done the correct thing for your daughter and yourself. The above is good advice. Contact your gp and barnardos etc.

catonthewire

Delighted that you found the courage to leave this awful.situation..

From experience; contact you local social security office, make them aware of your situation regards money and housing..
Women's Aid and Citizens Advice will also help and guide you towards financial support for the future...

At the moment you are overwhelmed by the situation, but this will pass and everyday you will gain strength ...
Ask your family for encouragement and support, lastly be kind to yourself..
A new life is starting, one free of this awful man...

LegacyUser

Having left an abusive relationship 5 years ago, well done for having the courage to take the first and hardest step in gaining your life back, what you did takes courage and guts so please dont forget it. If I can give you any advice is stay strong now and remember why you left! Get in touch with Womens Aid as a support. they will offer great support and insight. Find some low cost or community counselling service that you can go for long term counselling as trust me you will need long term support, Theres also a book by Don Hennessy called, inside the mind of the intimate abuser, ( get this book) its hard to read at times but you will gain such insight into domestic violence..

Take your time to rebuild yourself and stay strong, even when things get really tough and so many conflicting emotions come up for you, remember your SELF WORTH and Your Daughter.. Keep reminding yourself why you left.
Best of luck on your Journey to Healing and peace.. x

LegacyUser

Hi Op that book is called " how he gets into her head" inside the mind of the male intimate abuser!!

hagoonabear

Thank you all very much for the posts and advice I'm just staying at my parents until we can get something sorted , I feel happy for leaving but so very alone I feel horrible as if it was all my fault that I prompted him to do it . I'm so very messed up at the moment but looking to apply for lone parents Tuesday and going to apply for protection order . It was such a toxic relationship

I wish it didn't turn out this way , I'm feeling at a loss that I broke up my family

athtrasna

hagoonabear wrote: »

I'm feeling at a loss that I broke up my family

You didn't break up your family OP, you started your family. Family is supposed to be safe, protective and loving. It isn't easy right now but the time will come when you and your daughter realise that this break up was the start of your true family life x

mg1982

It was your partner that broke up the family with his behaviour. You did all you could.

Rubberchikken

You didn't break up your family, you definitely didn't cause this. A person makes their own decision to be a nasty person/a bully/abusive. Their choice.

Don't blame yourself for anything.

LegacyUser

You didnt breakup the family unit he/she did the moment they hit you. Your right this type of a relationship is highly toxic, both for you and your daughter, OP its early days and still very raw, its going to feel like a roler coaster ride for some time but please get some support, use the supports around you, get a protection/ safety order and trust me when he/she comes saying sorry it will never happen again, IGNORE because you probably already know it will happen time and time again, the physical violence may stop but the emotional and fiancial abuse gets 100 times worse, I was in your position and my only saving grace was my son, i left for his sake..
Stay strong and know it will never change op

Neyite

Well done. a very big step that took courage. This is actually the hardest step, but you might find your resolve to stay away tested in the next few days.

Abusers dont like to lose their partner - all that brainwashing gone to waste maybe. So be prepared for him to try lots of different ways to get you back - when threats and anger wont work on you, he might try to be charming and promise you everything under the sun to get you back. If you stay strong, then you'll see when he realises it's not working, the charm will soon disappear and he'll try something else, blame or badmouthing or any other kind of manipulation to mess with your head or make your life difficult. It might be a bumpy ride, but you WILL get through it and will have a safe home of peace and laughter and love in time - all the things we aim to provide as parents.

For this reason, you should ideally talk to someone in women's aid, or read some of the books recommended, either the ones mentioned on thread here or the one I recommended on your previous threads. Let your family close ranks around you and use the time to heal your head and your heart. From here on it gets better, and you have already proved how strong you are, even if you dont feel it.

Penny Tration

Hagoonabear, you did not cause any of this and you did not break up your family. He did.

When I was only 17, a baby really, I was in an abusive relationship. He choked, hit and raped me, more times than I can remember.

I left, and blamed myself for a few years. If I'd just offered him my virginity instead of wanting to wait, he wouldn't have had to take it. If I lost weight (I was a size 12), he wouldn't have to encourage me to lose weight by telling me how fat I was. If I just shut my bloody mouth and stopped irritating him, he wouldn't have to choke me, he wouldn't have to hit me.

Eventually, I realised that we all have choices in life. He CHOSE to do what he did.

Your ex CHOSE to do what he did. If you had driven him mad, he could have ended the relationship. He chose to hurt you and abuse you and you did NOTHING to deserve it. There is nothing in the world you could have done to justify what he did. You gave him a beautiful baby, a family.

He threw it away. Not you.

I bet he was lovely to everyone else. Had friends, maybe got on well with work colleagues?

It's because he chose to. He chose to be nice to them, and be scum to you.

He chose it all. You didn't ask for or choose any of this.

Your lovely child will be far happier growing up with a beautiful, happy mammy who teaches her child all about self respect, respecting others, loving yourself and staying strong.

You've done what many, many women cannot do.

You have changed you and your child's life for the better, don't you ever doubt that.

Practically - pop down to the social welfare and ask for help. Get down to the council and get yourself assessed for housing. Get down to FLAC and get the ball rolling on child maintenance.

But first - tell your family how you're feeling. Talk to them, talk to a friend, talk to your GP and ask for help. You don't have to face any of this alone until you feel strong enough.

Things will get better. Stay strong.