Out-laws causing mayhem

LegacyUser

Long story, but I'll try keep it short as possible.
I got along well enough with the "out'laws. Well I got along with my husbands parents no bother, his sibling bullied me for years. I put up with it. I wanted to be with my husband so I tolerated her. His mother knew of the madness she put me though and nothing was ever done. There is more stuff, but you'd be reading a novel then
Fast forward to last year. I found out i was pregnant (YAY), his family made my pregnancy all about his sister. We wanted to keep it off Facebook and from week 12 to week 16 they pestered us about the sister announcing it on Facebook. OUR NEWS. Eventually husband relented and we put it up and it she made it about her. For months we had to listen to "oh she is going to be the best aunty ever" "I'm going to take the baby all the time" etc etc.
Roll when baby is born. We agreed no one to the house till after the weekend, nope! not allowed, the sister had to come over straight away. I was breastfeeding and was told to leave the room, in my own house, to feed the baby.
So, then between the baby being born and the october she seen the baby 3 times. She wasn't bother with the baby.
We decided, coz this is Ireland, to get the baby christened (just to get wee one into school, typical) I said make her and my brother godparents, easy. But my husband wasn't happy with the idea as the sister wasn't bother.
So he spoke to his family and armageddon happened. I had to "unask" my brother to be godfather (not that he was bothered) and we settled on our best friends.
From the day it was said she wasn't godmother, his mother made a point of ignoring me (fine by me) they didn't go the christening and they effectively took their sons job away (he worked for his dad) claimed the dad was retiring.
The have pretty much exiled their son! Loads of other madness has happened but again. another novel.
During all the war, it came out the sister wouldn't come near the house coz I emptied the dishwasher the last time she was here. All coz I didn't fuss over her (just to mention, you have to bow down to her or else)
Eventually things settled a wee bit, it was civil. I wanted my baby to see his only grandparents (my parents have passed away)
She is down in Dublin every two weeks but it can change sometimes. So the week we thought she wasn't down, I made an important doctor appointment and I didn't want to change it as it was really important and his family went off the head saying if we want to go out, we have to run it past them, we said no and they now flat out refuse to talk to their son/brother. The mother told the daughter not to bother with the baby anymore.

How can a family do this? They have spread lies about my husband and myself. I;m referred to as "she who must be obeyed" that I boss him around. My husband is his own person, he runs something pass me but its not looking for permission.
We bother bowed to some of their demands, but we can't anymore. I think its time to cut ties, as sad as it is. For years we have had to bow down to them and their craziness. Well not anymore. Can it be done, just cut ties?

Neyite

I think it would be healthy to do so. Particularly to protect your child from this kind of toxic family - otherwise you are going to have a poor child caught in the middle when granny and auntie are slagging off their mother, or find ways to use the child to hurt you, hurting the child in the process.

Cut ties, just go no contact. Honestly, I never had grandparents and while its nice my child does, if they were going to be a vicious manipulative influence I'd be thinking he's better off without them.

They'll come crawling back - well, not really crawling back but expect some sort of health scare to guilt trip you. Or them sending in the flying monkeys. But if you want to cut ties, stick to your guns.

strobe

It should be your husbands free and uncoerced choice on what kind of contact he wants with his family. So leave him out of what decision you make on 'cutting ties' with them. You don't have to see them if that's what you want, but be certain to make sure you aren't imposing your desires on him. Don't see them if you don't want. Leave him free to do what he wants (which includes him bringing his child to see it's grandparents, and/or it's aunt) without making him feel like he's 'choosing sides' or anything of the sort.

LegacyUser

The hubby wants to cut ties as well. I do as well, but it would be nice for the baby to see grandparents regardless of the mayhem going on. But then when I think about it they would be saying awful things about me in front of the baby.
I'm not allowed near their house, which again is fine by me. It will just get to the stage where the baby won't go if I don't go (clingy stage)
Whatever the hubby decides, I will stand by him. He just can't forgive them for basically punishing our baby for the decision not to make his sister godmother and not going the christening. Who does that? What goes through someone's head? And the expect him to apologise. They are even so petty they took digs at our wedding coz the sister wasn't a bridesmaid. Why would I make her bridesmaid after she bullied me for years. It just baffles me how family can do it. I know families go at each other but to do this to their son, it's unbelievable.
It just makes me angry.

zeffabelli

Angry Wifey wrote: »

The hubby wants to cut ties as well. I do as well, but it would be nice for the baby to see grandparents regardless of the mayhem going on. But then when I think about it they would be saying awful things about me in front of the baby.
I'm not allowed near their house, which again is fine by me. It will just get to the stage where the baby won't go if I don't go (clingy stage)
Whatever the hubby decides, I will stand by him. He just can't forgive them for basically punishing our baby for the decision not to make his sister godmother and not going the christening. Who does that? What goes through someone's head? And the expect him to apologise. They are even so petty they took digs at our wedding coz the sister wasn't a bridesmaid. Why would I make her bridesmaid after she bullied me for years. It just baffles me how family can do it. I know families go at each other but to do this to their son, it's unbelievable.
It just makes me angry.

Trust me, keep your child away from this.

Don't think for a second they won't try to turn your child against you.

I would generally agree that generational continuity is good for a new member of the family, but not in all cases. There are poison streams that run though blood.

tinkerbell

Why on earth do you think it'd be "nice" for your baby to be exposed to those rotten, toxic, awful people? Just because they are grandparents, doesn't give them a free pass to treat you like crap. These people have barred you, their son's wife and mother of their grandchild, from their house. They should never be allowed near your baby if that's the case. I would have nothing to do with them. Your husband wants to cut contact, let him. Don't be a doormat and want your baby to have a relationship with these horrible people.

Taltos

I'm with the rest here OP.
Once you agree and make a decision you'll find the stress of this should lift. By all means leave the door open (a crack) but for god's sake you are married to each other and have a responsibility to raise your child in a happy stable environment. If that means removing the toxic "out"-laws then do so.

Don't apologise for it, he can't control who his family are - but you both can control who has access to your child. They've only one childhood, better to be happy and enjoy themselves than look forward to their grandparents visits and the weeks of mayhem after each where insults and threats are thrown about.

Rubberchikken

my advice is get on with your lives and raise your child.
tbh i don't think people like that ever see life in a simple way. everything has to be a drama. personally i don't involve myself with others that closely for that reason. i listen, smile and then go my merry way. it means my relationships with family are considered great:)

reason i do this is i wouldn't have the patience for adults who behave in such a silly way.

life's way too short for this imho.