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Explaining to a friend that we are adults now...

  • 26-05-2015 10:28pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,920 ✭✭✭


    Just looking for a bit of advice on this, I have a friend who I've known since school ( a long time ago!). There was a small group of us who were friends in school, but now I am the only one who still talks to this particular person.
    The reason for this is that over the years the rest of us have gone to college, got jobs, lost jobs, had relationships, some have had families, we've all moved out, moved in, moved county/country... All the usual things people do as they grow up. But my friend hasn't done any of this. She's still in college and still living at home and has never had a job.
    The rest of the group have gone their separate ways but still dip in and out of each other's lives, but I'm the only one who still sees this person.
    my issue with all this is that she still wants me to do the things we were doing ten years ago, like calling over to her family house for dinner.
    How do I explain that I don't want to sit at an awkward family dinner in her house now that I'm nearly 30 without insulting her? And is there a way to have a conversation about how I'm just not that into paying €10 to go see a Disney movie without being patronising?
    I know it must be hard for her to be left behind by a lot of our old friends, and I don't want to fall out with her, but I really feel like she is not even making an effort to grow up and engage with the adult world! I am so fond of her, and she has been there through a fair few of my own personal challenges but I'm gone beyond going round to her mums for dinner and need to let her know this nicely!
    I don't have an issue with her life choices, she can do what she wants but I need her to understand that I have also made a choice to behave like an adult, and that she needs to accept that too.


Comments

  • Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I'm an adult, in fact me and my friends are all turning 40 this year.

    I have no problem at all having dinner at any of their parents houses! Actually I love it, because their mammies are better cooks then any of them!!

    I also still go to the cinema with friends, regularly, sometimes even Disney movies if we feel like it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,067 ✭✭✭368100


    Does it really matter as long as the person is happy in their own life? Do they seem happy?

    If so, I say let her live her life the way she wants to.

    I don't think it's a big deal to have dinner at her house once in a while as long as you enjoy her company...and I know plenty of "adults" who are first in the queue to see Disney movies.

    I think you're being slightly patronising that this girl needs someone to feel sorry for her, she could be perfectly content with her life and you should support that as a friend. Just my opinion.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,920 ✭✭✭TG1


    I enjoy her company, I don't enjoy her mothers!! I feel like I'd much rather go out for dinner, or have her over to my place, but she won't come to my flat because it would involve going outside the city!
    I really don't mean to be patronising but its so hard to be the only one of our group to see her, as I get a bit stuck in the middle when other people are home No pressure but my mom fed Lucy an Apple today... So far everyone who has met her has been brave enough to feed her.... 😂but don't want to meet up with her because she's still stuck where we were 10 years ago.
    I don't think I'm getting the extent of the issue across in my post, she has not grown up at all in the last 10 years and there is very little left that we both view in the same way now.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 480 ✭✭jopax


    Hi op,

    Agree 100% with the other posts.
    You do sound a bit mean saying that, can't you just see how lucky you are to have a friend that wants to invite you around for dinner.
    You sound like she is cramping your style, maybe you still have some growing up to do.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,067 ✭✭✭368100


    Has she other friends that she might have more in common with?

    At the end of the day people change, there are some people that I was really close to 10 years ago that I never see now, and some that I'm closer than ever with. All due to different reasons but People change and grow apart and nothing in particular wrong with that.

    If she doesn't make an effort to go to yours then maybe she thinks that you're too settled for her liking and is feeling that you've grown apart too. Maybe it's best to let the friendship fizzle out naturally for both your sakes? Not saying that you should definitely do this on the basis of the few posts I've read but it's something you should think about yourself.

    You sound like you want her to change who she is and that's not fair on her to expect that. She might move out of home and get a job in the future but it should be by her own schedule, not yours.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,920 ✭✭✭TG1


    I think we have grown apart but it's her pushing to keep the friendship going with constant invites to dinner etc. I do appreciate this but I am to old to be justifying my life decisions to someone else's mother over a super awkward dinner!
    I do appreciate the friendship, hence why I'm looking for advice and not giving up like the rest of the group!
    I see where the posters saying this is my issue are coming from, but to put it in context a bit, I am the only one of our school group still talking to this girl, I am the only one who has not got so sick of the teenage drama at 30 that it has caused me to stop speaking to her.
    Like I said in the op, I have no issue with her life choices I just want to know how to explain to her why I keep making up excuses not to go to her house for dinner as I don't like lying to a very old friend!!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,033 ✭✭✭Call me Al


    Sorry.... You do have issues with her life choices. You just need to own up to this fact.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,067 ✭✭✭368100


    Ok well I guess if you value the friendship and you both want it to continue all you can do is explain is to her rationally how you feel and hope she understands and want to compromise on what you do together.

    Last advice that I would have though is if/when you do speak to her, don't put it across that the way she lives her life isn't as good as you do yours or that you're more grown up than her. I would Be honest that you feel her mother judges your life choices and that you shouldn't have to explain yourself, Ive done something similar recently myself.

    Best of luck with it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,920 ✭✭✭TG1


    Call me Al wrote: »
    Sorry.... You do have issues with her life choices. You just need to own up to this fact.

    I really don't! I have issues with her mother and have no problem saying that! . Would happily meet her for a coffee or for dinner without her mother! I would happily have her over to my place but she won't come!
    I just feel that at this stage in our lives I shouldn't have to deal with her judgmental mother, and I want to figure out a way to explain this without losing the friendship!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    You sound really patronising. Just because she isn't living her life to your standards doesn't mean her life isn't as fulfilled as yours. Maybe the things that motivate you don't interest her. She sounds like a nice person asking you over for dinner with her family and this is how you speak about her? I don't see why her life choices are bothering you so much; surely if she's a nice caring person then that's all that matters.

    If it concerns you that much then cut contact with her, but maybe in a few years you'll learn what's truly important in life and it's not what jobs people have or where they went on holiday last month, it's about the nature of the person and the content of their character that matters, you obviously don't see that now.

    Also, first you said you have issues being the only one still talking to her and want out cos she's still a teenager, now you want out because of her annoying mother. Even your title is awful, "explaining to friend that we are adults now", unbelievably patronising.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    Could you try and come at it from the angle of it's always you doing the traveling and legwork to meet up or have dinner or whatever? Also, have ye discussed or do you think she's aware of the tension between her mother and yourself?

    Like could you just say some variation on the following "Look, I feel like it's always me who's going over to yours for dinner. I'd like to be able to meet up and have a catch up just the two of us without your mam there, and also I'm really busy at the moment [little white lie but what harm] and it'd just make things a lot easier for me if you'd come to mine or we could meet up in town."?

    And look, I know you say you're not judging her, but I can't help think that you are. Even the title of your thread dude, if you weren't judging it'd be something like "Growing apart from old friend". It's a really condescending and pretty bitchy way to look at the situation to say you have to explain to her that you're adults. There's no point maintaining a friendship out of guilt because you feel sorry for life choices she's made that she might well be perfectly happy with.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 334 ✭✭triple nipple


    Simples, tell her you would like to have her and her mother over for dinner to repay all the kind dinners. When she says no ,make a fuss and ask her what is wrong with your apartment/cooking ? Well I'm not coming to yours if you wont come to mine !!! Type thing.

    Honestly op, by the sounds of things you two are in very diffrent stages of your respective lives. Probably best to put space between the two of you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 247 ✭✭liz lemoncello


    OP, although I do agree that the title of your post is a little patronizing, I think posters are giving you a hard time over this.

    If you had posted that you had an old friend who still wanted to stay up all night and get wasted like you did when you were in your teens, and that you had grown out of that, I think the replies would be different.

    In your case, your friend sounds rather sweet (Disney movies) and sheltered, (not wanting to go outside the city) and I think that is influencing people's replies.

    I think electro-bitch's suggestion is the way to go.
    Like could you just say some variation on the following "Look, I feel like it's always me who's going over to yours for dinner. I'd like to be able to meet up and have a catch up just the two of us without your mam there, and also I'm really busy at the moment [little white lie but what harm] and it'd just make things a lot easier for me if you'd come to mine or we could meet up in town."?


  • Subscribers Posts: 19,425 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    I cant help but feel this girls mum might be part of the reason why this girl isnt 'growing up'. Regardless, she is part of the problem and to be honest while your friend is still happy to live this way you arent going to be able to change her. But what you can do is be honest, and kind. Explain that you would like to do x, y or z with her, and youd love if she would come. Keep offering, keep in touch. Dont do stuff you dont want to - she doesnt! Not going to her mums is tricky. She is bound to take it personally when you refuse. You dont need to get into why, just 'I would prefer to do this'. If she cant, then the friendship may fizzle out over time, but it will have been her choice to let it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 283 ✭✭Est28


    There's been a couple of posts here recently about similar things like old friends not growing up or moving on or letting the past in the past.

    Every time the moral police seem to come out telling the OP that they are terrible for not being on the same page as their friend anymore. I just don't go along with it.

    People change over time and their lives go in different directions, just because you were "besties" in school it doesn't mean you have to be there in every single way for someone who doesn't want to let you get on with your life, or move on with things.

    In this case, if she's content, leave her be. Some people have no ambition or drive and just like things the way they are. Speaking up and making her feel bad over it probably won't achieve anything, she'll have to find her own way in time. Infact she probably sees nothing wrong so saying anything could blow up at you or cause problems.

    But I say... just get on with your own life. You're not obliged to go along with hers. If she's a burden or holding you back, don't cause a fight, but you don't need to be at her side constantly. People get on with their lives and you deserve to also.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    We'll the big thing I'd that she seems to want you to suit her all the time eg not calling to your home. I would be saying this to her. You can also say to her that you've ok interest in going to see x movie but try to find a compromise. Sounds like she is quietly manipulative.


  • Posts: 1,007 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    TG1 wrote: »
    I am the only one who has not got so sick of the teenage drama at 30 that it has caused me to stop speaking to her.

    What does this mean?
    TG1 wrote: »
    I have issues with her mother and have no problem saying that! Would happily meet her for a coffee or for dinner without her mother! I would happily have her over to my place but she won't come! I just feel that at this stage in our lives I shouldn't have to deal with her judgmental mother

    Look, I thanked the first two posts because (a) my friends love coming to my parents house (even though none of us childers live there anymore) and (b) we're all completely guilty of indulging in Disney movies ... we don't even bother trying to disguise it anymore by bringing nieces and nephews. :)

    But I don't think this is the problem. The problem is that you don't like your friends mother and your friend won't meet you half-way and do some of the things that you want to do. You wouldn't be here if you didn't want to try to save the friendship and, to me, your issue seems to be less about judging her lifestyle choices than with her refusal to step outside her comfort zone.

    So deal with it from that point of view. If you want her to act like an adult, treat her like one. Tell her that it's not fair that the only time you get together is on her terms and if she wants to continue to spend time together she'll have to haul her cookies to your place from time to time.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,731 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    Meet her when you want to meet her and it's doing something you like. Tell her you're busy when you don't.

    That's your life, and you can control that.

    You can't really control how she chooses to live her life, even if you think she's doing something wrong. Stay out of it except for when it affects you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,815 ✭✭✭imitation


    I think your super imposing your judgement on her over some annoying things and mixing them up. How does the fact she has no job or bf or not live abroad relate to dinners with mammy and going to disney movies ?

    If you can't be friends because she isnt going to be flexible about where ye meet its one thing, its quite another if she isn't sophisticated enough or whatever.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    So is it the fact that she has no job and is immature that annoys you, or her unbearable mother? I don't see what your title "explaining to friend that we are adults now" has to do with your "actual problem" which is her annoying mother. If she had a well paid, highly respected job and was always off on holidays but still had you over for dinner with her mother would you still be writing here? Because all of that wouldn't change the fact that you find her mother unbearable, if in fact that is your actual problem as you say.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 67 ✭✭CyrilFiggis


    I agree that she sounds like everything is done to suit herself. And though eating with friend's families once in a while is fine, you have to be on your best behaviour with them so it's not as fun and certainly not relaxing.

    As for the Disney stuff.. Fine if everyone's into it (and you're not going on and on about it) but I know several women in their late 20s who act as if their obsession with it is adorable rather than tedious.

    Maybe try to have a word with her, say you want to get out and do more new things but if it were me id drop her. She sounds like a pain


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,907 ✭✭✭power pants


    TG1 wrote: »
    I really don't! I have issues with her mother and have no problem saying that! . Would happily meet her for a coffee or for dinner without her mother! I would happily have her over to my place but she won't come!
    I just feel that at this stage in our lives I shouldn't have to deal with her judgmental mother, and I want to figure out a way to explain this without losing the friendship!


    Your reasons have changed somewhat since the original post. Where does the issue with disney fit in, if the only real issue is regarding the mother?

    Im not 100% I understand the issue, you can still remain friends but can simply explain that you feel slightly uncomfortable visiting her mum all the time.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,030 ✭✭✭neemish


    Hi OP,

    is there possibly a reason why your friend didn't go past the 20 year old stage? I know a couple of people who got "stuck" at different stages, and needed a lot of help to "grow up". I think the reason other people are saying that you sound patronising is that individually, these don't sound like big things. Put them all together however, and you may need to ask yourself if your friend is in difficulty and hasn't been able to grow/develop in herself.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Op I don't why you are going to dinners in her house when she doesn't make the effort to go to yours. Its sounds like the friendship is a one way street, she invites you over to dinner and you go, but when you invite her she never does. Next time say No especially if its not a pleasant experience.
    If your film tastes have changed then decline as well.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,093 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    I dont think you can have it both ways in these circumstances.
    For some reason this woman hasnt moved on as you've all done.
    If her mom is very controlling it maybe too late to convince her to move on from her mom. Maybe she'll decide it for herself some day , maybe not.

    She's been your friend a long time so being honest with her would be the fairest thing but you have to be willing to live with the consequences.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,920 ✭✭✭TG1


    Thanks for the varied replies, and advice. I suppose I'm not getting the true extent of the issues across as I'm aware this is a public forum and I am only posting the very basics.
    Her mother is a large part of the problem, but not all. There are other issues around her behaviour regarding relationships and her perceptions of the behaviour of others. She is very sheltered and naive and as a result regularly puts herself in dangerous situations. This is a lot of the reason why I'm not willing to let the friendship slide, as I am aware that her other friends are 21/22 year old college students who won't or can't deal if things go wrong.
    I'm aware I probably sound like a terrible person but there is a lot going on here and I suppose I just wanted a bit of advice as to how to go about approaching the fact that I am struggling to deal with the one sided nature of the friendship, and the fact that she won't acknowledge the fact that I have grown up and moved on. I'm also struggling to deal with the fact that I'm having the same "please be careful" and "are you sure that's a good idea" conversations 10 years later, and don't know how to say to her that all the dinners in the world won't keep a friendship going if we are still in the exact same place having the exact same conversations about the exact same issues 10 years later.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Not wishing to be glib OP but you haven't grown up and she hasn't, you've grown apart and you've not 'moved on' because your still hanging around with her. I know people in their 50's and 60's who are awfully naive and sheltered, it doesn't mean they're not grown up, they've just had a different life path to yours. Who gets to decided if someone is a grown up or not? You talk about how her college friends are too young and won't look out for her but in the same breath talk about her being sheltered, how is she going to stop being sheltered if she's not allowed to make the mistakes we all make?

    Your friend has made her choices in life and either you want to be part of that or you don't. It's nice you care and all but part of growing up is realizing we grow apart from people. I didn't stay in contact with anyone I went to school with, I've nothing in common with any of them anymore so why would I?

    If you really want to remain friends and don't want to have meals at her house then be a grown up and tell her that. Suggest somewhere to meet and if she doesn't want to then accept your not compatible as friends and move on.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,737 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    tabs101 wrote: »
    Op I don't why you are going to dinners in her house when she doesn't make the effort to go to yours. Its sounds like the friendship is a one way street, she invites you over to dinner and you go, but when you invite her she never does. Next time say No especially if its not a pleasant experience.
    If your film tastes have changed then decline as well.

    I agree. I'd also say, when invited, that you don't like having dinner with her mother because it makes you feel like you're still in secondary school, rather than two grown women pushing 30.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    TG1 wrote: »
    Her mother is a large part of the problem, but not all. There are other issues around her behaviour regarding relationships and her perceptions of the behaviour of others. She is very sheltered and naive and as a result regularly puts herself in dangerous situations. This is a lot of the reason why I'm not willing to let the friendship slide, as I am aware that her other friends are 21/22 year old college students who won't or can't deal if things go wrong.

    Op you can't live her life for her, she's 30 years of age and she may seem naive to you but how she deals with relationships and lives her life are her business. You seem to be want to part of her life to kind of look out for her, but she's not your responsibility. Have you told her that you don't like her mother? I don't think you are being very honest with this friendship, its a one way street with you doing all the running and not getting anything in return. You have to ask yourself if you were going through a bad patch could you rely on her ?


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,185 ✭✭✭Dark Phoenix


    If you dont want to go to her mothers for dinner then don't, thats fair enough but I think judging her for her opinions such as like disney is a bit shallow. Not everyone wants to act like a serious grown up all the time. God knows Im a fully grown up adult but I love hello kitty and 80's cartoons it doesnt in any way reflect my ability to look after myself.

    I'd suggest to her that if ye meet up you go for dinner somewhere together or she comes to yours etc. If she refuses, then you are within your rights to explain that you dont like alays having tobe the one to travel to her and thats fair enough.

    At the end of the day if you don't respect her, and I have to be honest it sounds like you look down on her a bit, then do her a favour and dont be friends anymore


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP I sympathise.
    While my situation isn't exactly the same I have a longtime friend who has always been around a decade behind everyone else our age. And yes I know that appears patronising but the whole story won't be told on a public forum, suffice to say there are reasons I say that.

    I limited contact because the endless shoe gazing, self absorption and immaturity at 33 was too close to how I was at 17 to stand.
    She is a lovely person but we just don't have much in common beyond trivial things like music we both enjoy and the odd TV programme. There's no depth to the friendship, which is perfectly fine, so I don't expect depth.

    Limit contact, meet up on your terms half the time and see how things pan out.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,812 ✭✭✭Vojera


    OP, you mentioned that your friend puts herself into dangerous situations. You don't need to elaborate so this might be totally unrelated, but we've all had that one friend who sometimes drinks to excess and needs to be brought home because he/she has no clue of what's going on around them or because they would otherwise pass out.

    If it's that kind of situation then you should have no problem saying to her that it's not okay to put people in the situation of always having to keep an eye on her. It means that others are always a bit on edge and can't relax around her. I've (regrettably) been that person in the past and I've also had the conversation with others. It's selfish of one person to constantly voluntarily put themselves in situations like that and expect other people to get them home safe.

    Could be a totally different situation, though.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    OP, the way you worded your first post it is actually surprising that you are getting any positive responses. But I think I know where you are coming from. She is a little princess that mummy takes care of. Who goes till thirty without doing a days work? Someone who is not able to take responsibility for themselves. I presume mum cooks the dinners she is inviting you to. Forget 20 she more seems like someone who didn't move past 15. I don't know how you tell her that, my advice would be just stop enabling her. Start organizing things that suit you and if she says no then let it be. She is used that things get adapted to her, part of the growing up is that we learn to compromise not wait that everything gets packaged up and sent to our door. She might start making an effort but realistically I think your friend first has to become financially and emotionally independent of her mother first for your friendship to have any future.


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 16,663 CMod ✭✭✭✭faceman


    I don't know you OP and I know even less about your friend, just like everyone posting in this thread.

    Your opinion is that your friend hasn't "grown up" (I really hate that expression). Maybe she hasn't, maybe she has. To me it sounds like the issue you have is with her family rather than her living at home.

    I know people over 30 who have lived at home for a variety of reasons temporarily or longer. It doesn't mean they are less mature than others. Also someone making a lifestyle choice not to settle and have a family either is not a question of maturity.

    I think you should step back from the situation before doing anything. A polite 'no thanks' to an invite you aren't keen on is more mature than a lecture to an adult about how they aren't living their life by standards practiced by other people.

    Again, massive caveat here, I don't know you or your friend so I'm not aware of the finer details with my comments. :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Miaireland


    I can see a bit where you are coming from, I think you may have just worded it badly. When she suggests going to her place for dinner say instead that you would love to meet in town and say something that you heard x restaurant is does a really good early bird and you would love to try it. If she does push about eating in her house be honest and tell her you feel incomfortable with her mother as she seems to be very disapproving of your choices.

    In regards to the film just say that you are not in the mood for a disney film and could ye go and see film x or y instead.

    However do bear in mind that friendship is give and take.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    I do think people have been a bit unfair, but coming from the outside it looks like to a certain extent the relationship itself hasn't grown up. You say yourself, you're still having the same conversations with her ten years later - "please be careful" and "are you sure that's a good idea".

    Sounds to me like you always played the grown-up role in the friendship, and you may have thought that one day this would stop and you would both grow up and be equals. But it hasn't. And relationships are defined by how each treats the other. If you treat her as someone in need of hand-holding, then she will act like it. Instead, take a step back. Don't judge her decisions, don't try to protect her. She's more than an adult at this stage, you have no responsibility for her, no matter how hare-brained her plans seem.
    Total amateur psychology time, but this could also be the reason for the tension between you and her mother.

    Knowing perpetual student-type people, they tend to get themselves into a rut of frugality. You don't eat out because you can't afford it. You don't drive or get taxis unless you can really avoid it, because you can't afford it. You go to the cinema instead of the pub, because you can't afford it.
    Especially when friends start getting jobs and disposable income, it becomes really, really easy for older students to find themselves isolated and their social life in the gutter.

    Her suggesting the cinema is likely her attempting to find a way to spend time with you that's not dinner in her family home, but still affordable for her.

    As others have said, you're probably taking too much of interest in trying to "change" her on this. Instead, try stepping back and suiting yourself more often.

    Turn down an invite with "No thanks, I was going to do <x> instead. Do you want to join me?". Or even something as simple as, "Nah, I really just fancy vegging on the couch tonight and getting a chinese. Do you want to come over?". If she says yes, then great. If she says no, then that's fine too.
    Even just, "No thanks, I'm tired, I'm going to go to bed early", is perfectly acceptable. "I don't want to", is a perfectly good reason to turn down any invite.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 83 ✭✭Kwiecien


    Gawd i hate Disney! So sweet it could give ya diabetes! I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than watch that dross!

    Your friend seems a bit insecure and insular, however she is probably a nice person, just her outlook and lifestyle irks you.

    If she's not prepared to meet you at your gaff/watch the films you like/eat outside the home far away from her ma etc, you need to bring up the issue with her.

    Like some others posted above, invite her to yours, if she refuses, ask her to meet up in a cafe.

    One of my pals still lives at home with mammy and laments we don't all go out anymore. Most of us have mortgages /kids/other expenses and going out on the lash is out of the question. She gets annoyed if one of us goes out with our partners instead of a girly drinking session.

    Different people, different stages, just talk to her. You've nothing to lose only her ma's cooking.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,276 ✭✭✭readyletsgo


    Lol! Just tell her mother to p1ss off mind her own business OP! You say you are an adult, you should be able to say that to this person's mother. Or, you know, have a chat with your mate, say, not really into dinners with her parents and instead go out somewhere in her area for lunch or dinner then gradually move her into town for lunch etc.

    On you being an adult and her, not being an adult, people change over time, maybe She is worried you are pulling away from her like the rest of the friends from years ago, have a chat with about things going on (or not going on) in her life and if she wants it, help her out, that's what friends do. And then go see a Disney movie together! Nothing wrong with that, me and my mates go see them every now and then too.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,172 ✭✭✭FizzleSticks


    This post has been deleted.


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