Sensitive issue

LegacyUser

This is probably a strange one, but i'm really struggling with how to deal with it so any advice would be much appreciated. I'll try word things as sensitively and not gross as i can.

So i've been seeing this girl for 3 years now. Recently she's had to move into my place temporarily as she had some issues in her last accommodation, so having her around here has exacerbated the issue. Anyway, the problem is she leaves skid marks on the toilet pretty much every time she goes #2. I'm trying to not be shallow or anything here & mistakes happen, but its definitely a massive turn off & happens way too often. Even more so since she moved in a couple of months ago. Theres a toilet brush there but i'm starting to believe she thinks its just there for decoration?!

3 years into a relationship, things should be progressing toward something like moving in together permanently but i'm really finding this a massive turn off and a deal breaker. Am i right to be totally grossed out about this or am i just being ridiculous and a wuss in not approaching her about it (i'd honestly have no idea how!).

She can be somewhat messy in general, and i can deal with picking up the odd thing after her, but this is a bit too much.

Any genuine help would be appreciated.

We're both late 20's btw.

Neyite

I think approaching it directly and clearly. Tell her that you like to find a clean toilet when you go to use it, and that you clean up if you mess it so as not to leave it dirty for the next person, and you'd appreciate if she would do likewise.

Gwynplaine

I can't help laughing at this. It is funny.
Just say it to her, she might be mortified, but she'll soon clean up after herself.

ShaShaBear

I'd definitely say it to her. I know when I first moved in with my partner (and it was an intentional move), I STILL felt a bit weird about even pooping within earshot of him. I certainly wouldn't dream of leaving marks on the toilet (which obviously do happen, as you've said yourself).

I can't imagine how she doesn't know this already though, in most cases you need to turn and face the toilet to flush it, so skidmarks would be kind of obvious. Unless she thinks YOU don't clean them when you're done and it's not her doing, and she doesn't want to bring it up with the situation she's in?

kylith

Just say "Would you mind checking that the toilet is clean after you use it please". If it takes any more than that to sort the issue I'd be surprised, and a bit worried.

Wabbit Ears

Just tell her to use the toilet brush and to leave the toilet clean. God know my wife yells at me all the time if there is even the tiniest mark on the bowl!!

Wait till you have kids, conversations about toilet habits will become so mainstream you'll look back at this and laugh!!

Tilly

You need to say it to her straight. No pussy-footing around it.

I had a BF like this and he kept it up after i had asked him to clean stuff after use. That relationship didnt last long, disgusting personal habbits he had.

LegacyUser

Cheers for the replies so far. It kinda blows my mind i even had to make this post about the issue. I have tried to subtly mention the issue before about how i prefer the toilet to be clean when i go in there but it doesn't seem to have registered at all!

Its got to the point where she's asking why i'm not interested in sex and i'm running out of things to say. Anytime i get in the mood i get mental images from the bathroom!

I've lived with other people before and another girlfriend for a couple of years but never experienced anything like this.

pookie82

By all means say it straight out to her - the person who should be embarrassed here is her, not you.

But to be honest as another poster said, usually it's the opposite for a girl in a relationship in terms of not wanting her bf to EVER catch her doing a No.2, at least in the early days, let alone looking at it afterwards

It smacks to me of a general disregard for personal cleanliness (including cleaning up an area AFTER yourself) and she seems to lack normal boundaries in this regard. No one should have to look at that after she's been to the loo, let alone the person who is then expected to feel sexually attracted to her in wake of it.

Once or twice could be a mistake, ALL the time means she's just a pretty careless, slobbery, selfish person, really. It's completely gross and there's no way you're the odd one out here for thinking as much.

I really dislike messy people in general and those who can't be bothered to clean/pick up after themselves. Unless you're living alone it just shows a blatant disregard for others and let me tell you from bitter experience, it's not something that can be easily altered. It'd be a deal breaker for me.

LegacyUser

Thanks pookie82, yeah i'm starting to thing this is a deal breaker myself. She's pretty messy in general, and i can deal with a lot of that stuff. Its jus the knock on effect the bathroom issue is having on the sex life and all the other tension thats causing is making it feel like its easier to just give up on this.

I find it totally bizarre that someone can be so dirty repeatedly. Plus i'm the guy! its usually the girl thats telling the guy to be more conscious of how he leaves the bathroom.

I suppose i've become more conscious of how ridiculous it seems to end a 3 year relationship because of one 25+ year olds inability to use a bathroom correctly!

thanks for the replies everyone, feeling less crazy now.

Stavro Mueller

If someone's doing something wrong and they genuinely don't know they are, you can drop hints until the cows come home. They're not going to pick up on them. It is pretty disgusting that someone would consistently leave the toilet in that condition but it obviously isn't something that occurs to her. Out of curiosity, what's her parent's house like? That might give you a preview as to how things will be. She's probably a slob in other ways you've not found out yet so the question is - how much of it are you willing to put up with?

368100

I don't envy you having the conversation but I think that if you're not able to talk to her directly about this after 3 years together that you're relationship isn't what it should be.

Best of luck!

pookie82

grossed_out wrote: »

Thanks pookie82, yeah i'm starting to thing this is a deal breaker myself. She's pretty messy in general, and i can deal with a lot of that stuff. Its jus the knock on effect the bathroom issue is having on the sex life and all the other tension thats causing is making it feel like its easier to just give up on this.

I find it totally bizarre that someone can be so dirty repeatedly. Plus i'm the guy! its usually the girl thats telling the guy to be more conscious of how he leaves the bathroom.

I suppose i've become more conscious of how ridiculous it seems to end a 3 year relationship because of one 25+ year olds inability to use a bathroom correctly!

thanks for the replies everyone, feeling less crazy now.

I agree it probably *seems* like a bizarre reason to end a relationship outright but to me it's what her behaviour INDICATES, rather than this particular occurence, that would have me ending it.

I would say that you should try to sort it at least before you end it. If this really is the ONLY thing bothering you and it could be easily and quickly sorted with a quick word, do try that before breaking it off with her without ever saying why!

The reason I don't hold out too much hope in this regard is because I've lived in various house shares over the years with lots of different people and once or twice I've come across flatmates who have no sense of respect when using shared facilities, and it's reflected in every room, not just the bathroom. But obviously the bathroom is the most revolting. Dirty dishes, leaving lights on, leaving bins to overflow and mouldy towels on the landing can all sometimes be overlooked as a minor annoyance. But leaving marks in the toilet after herself is another level.

What happens if you go in there some day and find used tampons/sanitary products lying around? She's just as likely to be blase about that as she is about faeces. Again, from experience, I know that this is hard to change and would turn me completely off someone. It's like they were raised with no sense of others, or how to acceptably share a living space. What annoys me is they know at some stage this kind of thing has to be dealt with, but they're quite simply happy for someone else to do it.

Taboola

Are you cleaning up after her when this happens? Is there any chance she doesn't know she's made a mess? I don't generally look at the toilet bowl after I've gone to the toilet.

I think you'd be mad to end a 3 year relationship over this without directly saying something to her first.

Stavro Mueller

Out of curiosity, what were the issues in her last accommodation? They weren't related to her and her flatmates keeping the place like a tip by any chance? And while we're on the subject, what was her room like in her other place?

Neyite

Taboola wrote: »

Is there any chance she doesn't know she's made a mess?

That's what I wondered too. The other thing I considered is that she's never had to clean up after herself where she lived before this - either someone (mammy?) waited on her hand and foot, or she lived in a house where everyone had similar grim habits and it was the norm.

wrote:

I don't generally look at the toilet bowl after I've gone to the toilet.

I always do. How can you know then if you left the toilet in an acceptable condition for the next user if you don't look?

pookie82

Neyite wrote: »

I always do. How can you know then if you left the toilet in an acceptable condition for the next user if you don't look?

I can't imagine NOT checking something like this after I use a toilet that I know others will be walking into shortly. I mean, it's basic, no???

Neyite

pookie82 wrote: »

I can't imagine NOT checking something like this after I use a toilet that I know others will be walking into shortly. I mean, it's basic, no???

I thought so. There is disinfectant, brush and air freshener always to hand in my loos. When we go away for a weekend I steep them in Coke. The brush is changed regularly and doused with Domestoes after ever use and rinsed in a clean flush before being put in the holder. I've Dettol wipes for the seat, rim and lid. But that stems from my mother drumming it into us as kids - she would track down the last culprit and march us up to clean up after ourselves.

Taboola

Neyite wrote: »

That's what I wondered too. The other thing I considered is that she's never had to clean up after herself where she lived before this - either someone (mammy?) waited on her hand and foot, or she lived in a house where everyone had similar grim habits and it was the norm.



I always do. How can you know then if you left the toilet in an acceptable condition for the next user if you don't look?

I never usually make a mess so it's not the norm for me. I have my own en-suite for the last 6 years and can count on one hand the amount of times I've needed to clean up after myself*.

*That's not me saying I don't ever clean the toilet :P

pookie82

Neyite wrote: »

I thought so. There is disinfectant, brush and air freshener always to hand in my loos. When we go away for a weekend I steep them in Coke. The brush is changed regularly and doused with Domestoes after ever use and rinsed in a clean flush before being put in the holder. I've Dettol wipes for the seat, rim and lid. But that stems from my mother drumming it into us as kids - she would track down the last culprit and march us up to clean up after ourselves.

I once noticed my bf in the loo an unusually long time and asked if he was ok when he returned (genuinely thinking maybe he was sick).

He awkwardly explained that the "flush" wasn't what it should be in our toilet (something I'm aware of) and that he had sat on the side of the bath to wait for the cistern to fill again to make sure all trace of him being in there was gone before he left! :pac:

THAT is the length people should go to to make sure things are left acceptably.

zeffabelli

So you don't shame her phrase it like this, "It might be me, but I am a little squeamish about soiled toilets, could we make sure that it's cleaned after each use so no un sightlies are left? I'd feel better."

Maybe leave it on a little note....

kylith

I wouldn't leave a note. Notes tend to be generally poorly received and come across as passive aggressive.

The Princess Bride

pookie82 wrote: »

I once noticed my bf in the loo an unusually long time and asked if he was ok when he returned (genuinely thinking maybe he was sick).

He awkwardly explained that the "flush" wasn't what it should be in our toilet (something I'm aware of) and that he had sat on the side of the bath to wait for the cistern to fill again to make sure all trace of him being in there was gone before he left! :pac:

THAT is the length people should go to to make sure things are left acceptably.

This^^^ is what the OP should do.
Hopefully she'll ask why he was such a long time in there!

LegacyUser

Taboola wrote: »

Are you cleaning up after her when this happens? Is there any chance she doesn't know she's made a mess? I don't generally look at the toilet bowl after I've gone to the toilet.

I think you'd be mad to end a 3 year relationship over this without directly saying something to her first.

Well when i go in there and theres a mess i usually use the disinfectant and flush the toilet again and that usually sorts the issue. I then proceed to be grossed out and completely turned off again.

I assumed looking in the toilet after was just natural out of courtesy to the next person??

I'm trying not to come across as a massive clean freak here but this issue is just pretty crazy to me, especially as other posters have said, its a girl, and ladies are usually a lot more conscious of toilet habits than men!

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Out of curiosity, what were the issues in her last accommodation? They weren't related to her and her flatmates keeping the place like a tip by any chance? And while we're on the subject, what was her room like in her other place?

The issues in her last place were just to do with the lease being up and ex house mates wanted to go to different places. However the few times i'd been there it was kinda messy in general. I didn't have to live there so i didn't think much of it!

I'm trying not to sound to harsh about her, but she would be quite messy in general. I wouldn't say intentionally, but she wouldn't be as concerned about keeping the place clean as myself.

Its one thing to worry about how to word a conversation like this, but i'm kinda thinking the fact that i even have to have the conversation at all makes it a deal breaker for me.

LegacyUser

Ah lads you've all been in much more sombre relationships than me. All this "have a serious chat" stuff. You're not seriously telling a lad to use the word "soiled"????!

The correct response is a good humoured slagging. Wait till she next drops the kids off at the pool, and when she comes out roar out a friendly "What am I going to find when I go in there now? Have you decorated it zebra striped again, wha?!"

With any luck she'll laugh. It'll at least open the door for a running gag which you can utilise whenever she does it "ZEBRAS AGAIN! AH JAYSIS!"

Hopefully it'll work. It may be all in good fun, but she's still getting her **** stains pointed out to her each and every time.

As for not wanting to shag her....well that'll either come back or it won't. Can't help you much there.

kylith

grossed_out wrote: »

Well when i go in there and theres a mess i usually use the disinfectant and flush the toilet again and that usually sorts the issue. I then proceed to be grossed out and completely turned off again.

Stop cleaning up after her! If you find skid marks and you know it has to have been her, leave the bathroom, find her, and ask her to clean the toilet.

beks101

"Dude you need to take a look at what you're leaving behind in the toilet bowl. That's what's greeting me every time I go to use the bathroom. Seriously. Not cool."

That's what I'd be saying.

But at the same time I'm not sure I'd be wanting to stick around someone who can't exercise the most basic of toilet habits and who is on a general spectrum of messiness and carelessness. I'd find that very tough to live with.

Matteroffact

Buy a new toilet brush and go in and show it to her and ask her does she know what it is for.

pookie82

pookie82 wrote: »

I can't imagine NOT checking something like this after I use a toilet that I know others will be walking into shortly. I mean, it's basic, no???

Neyite wrote: »

I thought so.

You would think so, wouldn't you. But I've visited several companies where they have found it necessary to put up SIGNAGE in the ladies toilets (can't speak for the men's) imploring people to leave the bathroom in the state they found it, i.e. CLEAN.

OP, like the last few posters have said, STOP cleaning up after her. If you go into the bathroom and she's left a mess, TELL her.

I had to do this with my teenage son but it genuinely works. Maybe nobody's every bothered to do it with her.

identer

Drag her in by the ear, get her the brush and tell her to clean it up like how her mum will. Be playful cocky and also funny will at it. But you should know how to make you babe do suff by now.
But that the general blue print by the way, you free to modify it.

Neyite

identer wrote: »

Drag her in by the ear, get her the brush and tell her to clean it up like how her mum will. Be playful cocky and also funny will at it. But you should know how to make you babe do suff by now.
But that the general blue print by the way, you free to modify it.

Mod:

Welcome to Personal Issues. I suggest you read the charter, which prohibits physical violence. Using force to 'drag' a person anywhere unwillingly would be considered as coming under that rule.

ZeRoY

3 years with her and you cant even say it straight out? Im finding this one hard to believe! In other words, my advice as many here: just come out and say it.

suzannemarie

Just wondering what her upbringing was like ? I grew up without a mum and this effected the way I delt with household chores, my dad wasn't house proud it took a real long time to sort, she could be oblivious because it's never been an issue. If she is someone you really get on with just say it to her, tell her it is a turn off, or maybe you've got to a point where you don't want to carry on the relationship anymore and are trying to find reasons to justify ending it. If you can see yourself with her in a future setting, work at it, if not you don't need to find reasons, if it's not working,it's not working.

milli milli

Op, this would be a turnoff for me too. I'd be thinking, what are her hygiene habits down below, if this is how she leaves the toilet.
No wonder you're turned off sleeping with her.

It's a very difficult conversation to have so I wouldn't have a go at the OP for not having it yet.

But to be honest, it would be a deal breaker for me, but then again, I'm a clean freak.

LegacyUser

milli milli wrote: »

Op, this would be a turnoff for me too. I'd be thinking, what are her hygiene habits down below, if this is how she leaves the toilet.
No wonder you're turned off sleeping with her.

It's a very difficult conversation to have so I wouldn't have a go at the OP for not having it yet.

But to be honest, it would be a deal breaker for me, but then again, I'm a clean freak.

Thanks milli, I think thats what the problem was in a nutshell. I'm more of a clean freak and she's the complete other end of the scale.

Just to update people on this, we ended up breaking up a few days ago. I was just finding myself completely turned off by the toilet stuff and a couple of other issues and i wasn't finding myself attracted to her anymore.

Perhaps i should have brought the issue up sooner and it might not have progressed to what it did, but its both awkward as hell and absolutely ridiculous of a person in their mid 20's to not have any sense of how they leave a toilet in a house they share with a boyfriend.

Chemical Byrne

No offence OP but while the toilet hygiene is an issue that she should have sorted, my gut tells me that you, possibly unconciously, just no longer wanted to be in the relationship and are using the hygiene issue as convenient premise on which to end things.

Toilet hygiene, while important, it is a relatively small issue that could well be remedied by talking about it.

Tilly

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

No offence OP but while the toilet hygiene is an issue that she should have sorted, my gut tells me that you, possibly unconciously, just no longer wanted to be in the relationship and are using the hygiene issue as convenient premise on which to end things.

Toilet hygiene, while important, it is a relatively small issue that could well be remedied by talking about it.

It's actually NOT a small issue when you're in a relastionship with someone like that.

Chemical Byrne

RELATIVELY small! If I were the OP and my gf was like that I would at least find some way of saying it to her to try solve it if I valued the relationship. It would appear from OPs posts that he didn't say it and didn't give her the opportunity to modify her habits. To me that suggests he just wasn't bothered about the relationship anymore.

But shure lookit, tis all the one now!

LegacyUser

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

RELATIVELY small! If I were the OP and my gf was like that I would at least find some way of saying it to her to try solve it if I valued the relationship. It would appear from OPs posts that he didn't say it and didn't give her the opportunity to modify her habits. To me that suggests he just wasn't bothered about the relationship anymore.

But shure lookit, tis all the one now!

They do say when you live together you find out pretty quickly if that person is the right one or not and its very true. I don't think it was just the toilet issue was the problem, it sounds like there was a lot more things that just irritated him about her and he has found out now that they are not right for each other.

December2012

So instead of talking to her about the issues you just broke up with her? I think that's an odd thing to do after three years. Presumably there were other things bothering you more then.

power pants

he has stated his reasons on this page tbf

pookie82

Moving in with someone and sharing a living space can modify all of your prior feelings for them if they turn out to be disgusting around the house.

The toilet habit was highlighted as the worst case of this, but he also mentioned her being messy in general and having to pick up after her in other ways. The toilet factor was just a step too far and was impacting his sexual view of her as well as his view of her general inconsideration.

I don't think it's fair to say this was some sort of a scape goat for deeper issues. Honestly, having lived with people in the past who would make the hairs stand on the back of your neck with their personal hygiene habits, it would LITERALLY be enough to make you go off them completely as a person. It conveys much more than the act itself ... a blatant lack of regard for those around you, and a lack of regard for how clean you keep yourself and your space.

I think you did the right thing OP. For many people the idea that you would even have to broach this issue with someone for them to realise it needs to change indicates a level of immaturity or disregard you no longer want to engage with.

ManOfMystery

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

RELATIVELY small! If I were the OP and my gf was like that I would at least find some way of saying it to her to try solve it if I valued the relationship. It would appear from OPs posts that he didn't say it and didn't give her the opportunity to modify her habits. To me that suggests he just wasn't bothered about the relationship anymore.

But shure lookit, tis all the one now!

Relatively small in your opinion. It's obviously a bigger issue to the OP than to you.

December2012 wrote: »

So instead of talking to her about the issues you just broke up with her? I think that's an odd thing to do after three years. Presumably there were other things bothering you more then.

I thought that quite clear

grossed_out wrote: »

. I was just finding myself completely turned off by the toilet stuff and a couple of other issues and i wasn't finding myself attracted to her anymore.

For what it's worth OP, I think you did the right thing. The toilet issue - for me - falls under hygiene, and hygiene can be a deal breaker for a lot of people.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far. They've been really helpful.

I can understand that to some people it might look like i over reacted and believe me, i questioned myself a lot on the issue, weather i was being too sensitive but i think it was just her way and i don't think there was any changing it.

It wasn't an easy decision and it sucks, i'd love to be out enjoying the sun today with my girlfriend, but anytime i got over the previous 'discovery' in the toilet there would be another one a couple of weeks later and i'd be back to square one again, feeling completely grossed out and turned off.

Everyone makes mistakes and i get that, its a relationship and your living in a certain sized space together so theres lots you can forgive. But when it becomes such a regular occurrence, combined with having to pick up other things and remind someone to sweep the floors at least when they're at home all day, it just got a bit too much and i couldn't see myself living with her long term.

danslevent

OP, I understand completely. I had a boyfriend before that would never shower, I had to nag and nag him. His hair was always greasy and sharing a bed with him made me want to puke. He also hated brushing his teeth and would store bottles of urine in his room when he was too lazy to go to the bathroom.

He wasn't like this at first but he became lazier and lazier as our relationship developed. After a year and a half I no longer found him remotely attractive so I know exactly Where you're coming from.