Chopping and changing her mind

cizolin

Basically in a situation where I have been seeing someone for four months. She has blown hot and cold from time to time. I think a lot of that boils down to the fact she was in a ten year relationship up to last summer. She pulled the plug on it and said she's long over it.

At first she said she wanted something casual. Then last week she said she wanted a relationship with me as she really likes me and is very attracted to me and to see how it goes. Yesterday she then, after a nice night out, says that she thinks we may not be compatible and to go our separate ways. Similar situation happened last month.

I have been very patient with her and have not put any pressure on her but I now think it may be best to just walk away as she is too conflicted. We get on well etc.

Just looking for advice on whether I should give her time or just walk away and if someone has been in this situation before.

Many thanks

Penny Tration

She's a head wrecker. This is the second time in four months that she's done this?

Walk away.

cizolin

From the start she said she wanted something casual. Cool with me. Three months in she broke it off as she didn't want it to progress to a relationship. That didn't last long but I went along with keeping it continuing to be casual.

We would go on nights out, Sunday drives, hangout etc so it wasn't just casual sex.

Last weekend she said she'd been thinking and wanted it to progress. I said we'd see how it goes. Was happy with that situation.

Yesterday, out of nowhere she changed her tune again. Thinking you are correct when you say she's a headwrecker. I hadn't seen her that way before but her carry on is bad form.

Now thinking best to walk away and she needs to sort her head out as she doesn't know what she wants

backspacer

Been on the receiving of this as well in the past,just walk away,it took me a couple of attempts but finally got loose,was better off for it in the long run.

IlmoNT4

I think you should stop looking at it from her point of view and what she wants...

What is it that you want? Do you think this behavior is an ok way to treat you and your emotions? Shes blowing hot and cold but there appears to be little appreciation for you at the receiving end of things.

The casual relationship, it doesnt exist except for people who are settling, until something better comes along, or people who just want a f**k buddy in my opinion. While you bumming around in a casual relationship you are potentially missing opportunities to met someone really great.

cizolin

True words loulou

Was ok with the situation until last week when she said she wanted a relationship and then done a total u-turn a week later. Very immature and unnecessary.

I want to just put the whole situation behind me now and learn from it.

Thanks for the advice

CaraMay

cizolin wrote: »

True words loulou

Was ok with the situation until last week when she said she wanted a relationship and then done a total u-turn a week later. Very immature and unnecessary.

I want to just put the whole situation behind me now and learn from it.

Thanks for the advice

There's nothing to learn from this. Most women wouldn't act like that so don't apply this experience to them. This girl is all over the shop so just put it down to a quirk of hers and go in and meet some nice women who would never treat a man like this.

Penny Tration

CaraMay wrote: »

There's nothing to learn from this. Most women wouldn't act like that so don't apply this experience to them. This girl is all over the shop so just put it down to a quirk of hers and go in and meet some nice women who would never treat a man like this.

Maybe he's learning that the first time a person is a head melt, leave them to it instead of letting them do it again

But yeah, op, most women aren't like that.

I've had one guy do the same to me, and it's so bloody weird.

Onwards and upwards

cizolin

CaraMay wrote: »

There's nothing to learn from this. Most women wouldn't act like that so don't apply this experience to them. This girl is all over the shop so just put it down to a quirk of hers and go in and meet some nice women who would never treat a man like this.

You are right. Not going to let it affect me. Future is bright and promising

Stavro Mueller

Look, at least you give it a try. It didn't work out but that's the chance you take. I agree with the others though - it's time to walk away from this. In my opinion, a person blowing hot and cold is an ominous sign. I've yet to hear of one of these stories ending well. Maybe this woman doesn't quite know what she wants but unfortunately you aren't it.

cizolin

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

Maybe he's learning that the first time a person is a head melt, leave them to it instead of letting them do it again

But yeah, op, most women aren't like that.

I've had one guy do the same to me, and it's so bloody weird.

Onwards and upwards

Was the first time I have dealt with a situation like this

It's frustrating but these things happen

cizolin

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Look, at least you give it a try. It didn't work out but that's the chance you take. I agree with the others though - it's time to walk away from this. In my opinion, a person blowing hot and cold is an ominous sign. I've yet to hear of one of these stories ending well. Maybe this woman doesn't quite know what she wants but unfortunately you aren't it.

Yup. She just doesn't know what she wants. A bit all over the place. Plenty more fish and all that

Stavro Mueller

In my experience, people who didn't know what they wanted became very decisive indeed when the right person came along...

cizolin

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

In my experience, people who didn't know what they wanted became very decisive indeed when the right person came along...

I actually agree there....In my mind if you want to be with someone there's no indecisiveness and you do your best to make it work. Makes a decision to walk away that bit easier whether I'm into her or not

IlmoNT4

Place value on yourself and your emotional well being and if someone if treating you in a way that you wouldn't accept from yourself or others then pull that rip cord.

Its a tough lesson OP but a valuable one. You sound like a nice guy and there are plenty of great ladies out there

cizolin

loulou2009 wrote: »

Place value on yourself and your emotional well being and if someone if treating you in a way that you wouldn't accept from yourself or others then pull that rip cord.

Its a tough lesson OP but a valuable one. You sound like a nice guy and there are plenty of great ladies out there

Thank you

catonthewire

Hi OP,

It appears that her behaviour is a knock on effect from her last relationship, perhaps she needs to feel in control dominating the dynamics of your relationship..
Her behaviour isn't healthy nor mature, it's obvious your head is wrecked with her persistent chopping and changing her mind....

You could if you wish to try one last time give her an ultimatum, if she does it again then you walk...
However , I think that you already have decided and are ready to cut her out of your life...
Life is simply too short to let people play silly games with your emotions OP..

backspacer

Like I said before,just walk. She sounds like she is hedging her bets and hanging on to you till maybe something better comes along. Either way,its not beneficial to your mental health putting up with it, cut her loose and move on, you deserve better.

LegacyUser

Hey OP

Felt I had to reply as I've actually behaved the behaved the way you're describing your gf. From my ex's perspective, one minute I wanted to be with him, then I was breaking up with him, then I wanted to get back with him before eventually I broke up with him for good. We were going out about 5 months in total. I understand now that this was very confusing and hurtful for him and I'm ashamed now as to how I behaved. However internally, this is where my head was at:

I really wanted a relationship. I met this guy and he was very upfront about wanting one too. On top of this, on paper this guy could be described as the perfect boyfriend - kind, generous, respectful - and as I mentioned above, had the same goals in terms of relationships and future plans. He wanted a relationship, I wanted a relationship, all sounds good.....except .....I just wasn't sure if I wanted one with him. Not because he wasn't nice/a good guy but I just didn't feel that *thing* you feel when you are totally into him. Essentially this is why I broke up with him the first time.

However shortly after that, the realisation hit that I had just it ended it with a kind, generous, nice, respecful guy who wanted a long term relationship and.... I started to panic. What if I was just being picky/I'd let a good one go/what if I ended up alone. We got back together but it was out of fear of being alone that was pushing me to do this. Eventually i broke up with him for good because no relationship can last if that's the foundation.

I don't deny my behaviour was very selfish and I'm ashamed at how much I hurt a guy who did not deserve it.

My advice to you: don't be the person she settles for.

cizolin

Had a discussion earlier via phone call and said it was best to move on as she's a bit all over the place. Got an apology too for her messing me around the last wk or so.

Onwards and upwards

Thanks for all the advice

cizolin

I've been that girl wrote: »

Hey OP

Felt I had to reply as I've actually behaved the behaved the way you're describing your gf. From my ex's perspective, one minute I wanted to be with him, then I was breaking up with him, then I wanted to get back with him before eventually I broke up with him for good. We were going out about 5 months in total. I understand now that this was very confusing and hurtful for him and I'm ashamed now as to how I behaved. However internally, this is where my head was at:

I really wanted a relationship. I met this guy and he was very upfront about wanting one too. On top of this, on paper this guy could be described as the perfect boyfriend - kind, generous, respectful - and as I mentioned above, had the same goals in terms of relationships and future plans. He wanted a relationship, I wanted a relationship, all sounds good.....except .....I just wasn't sure if I wanted one with him. Not because he wasn't nice/a good guy but I just didn't feel that *thing* you feel when you are totally into him. Essentially this is why I broke up with him the first time.

However shortly after that, the realisation hit that I had just it ended it with a kind, generous, nice, respecful guy who wanted a long term relationship and.... I started to panic. What if I was just being picky/I'd let a good one go/what if I ended up alone. We got back together but it was out of fear of being alone that was pushing me to do this. Eventually i broke up with him for good because no relationship can last if that's the foundation.

I don't deny my behaviour was very selfish and I'm ashamed at how much I hurt a guy who did not deserve it.

My advice to you: don't be the person she settles for.

Great advice. It is hard to know what she is thinking because of some of the things she said. Imo she doesn't know what she wants and she made a rash decision. In time she may or may not regret it.

Either way I couldn't wait around to find out as I deserve much better than how she carried on.

Was great to hear the perspective of someone who had been in similar situation to her side of things

CaliforniaDream

Glad you talked things through with her.

As someone who is not long out of a 10 year relationship to a guy I married, I can empathise with her.
I do not want a serious relationship right now because I'm still messed up from my previous one. I'm 30 and spend all of my 20's with a guy and now find it hard to figure out what I like and want compared to what I thought I wanted.
If I met someone I really liked now I'd probably blow hot and cold because I need time and space to figure everything out. But if I genuinely liked the guy I'd be panicking that I'm ending things prematurely just to figure out things for myself.
She might not be intentionally doing this and it could be hurting her just as much. I don't believe that people would act this way only if they didn't like you. It could be a case of bad timing and I hope you don't hold it against her if it is. It's scary coming out of such a long relationship and it's impossible to know what to do afterwards.

I hope you both figure out what's best.

LegacyUser

Walk away OP. Was in a similar situation recently. She told me a lot of very personal stuff, was getting to be a really good relationship. Totally fell for her, but she blew hot and cold every couple of weeks, kissing me and telling me she needed me . She ended up saying she just wanted to be friends. This went on for two and a half years. I got so fed up of her changing her mind every couple of weeks that I cut contact entirely a couple of months ago.

I had to for my own sanity. In a much better place now. You deserve happiness OP.

cizolin

CaliforniaDream wrote: »

Glad you talked things through with her.

As someone who is not long out of a 10 year relationship to a guy I married, I can empathise with her.
I do not want a serious relationship right now because I'm still messed up from my previous one. I'm 30 and spend all of my 20's with a guy and now find it hard to figure out what I like and want compared to what I thought I wanted.
If I met someone I really liked now I'd probably blow hot and cold because I need time and space to figure everything out. But if I genuinely liked the guy I'd be panicking that I'm ending things prematurely just to figure out things for myself.
She might not be intentionally doing this and it could be hurting her just as much. I don't believe that people would act this way only if they didn't like you. It could be a case of bad timing and I hope you don't hold it against her if it is. It's scary coming out of such a long relationship and it's impossible to know what to do afterwards.

I hope you both figure out what's best.

Really appreciate your words. She did say after a couple of months that she thought I had met her at the wrong time. We got on well etc but she was very conflicted at times. Shouldn't be that way really. It's a pity really. I think we'll both look back with regret on this one but if it's meant to be it's meant to be. If not then the experience is worthwhile having moving forward

identer

Walk aways Sir...You can not win this.