I need to get him back

LegacyUser

Ok I can't believe that I'm writing this at my age but here goes.... I was recently dating a guy. Things got serious very quickly - initially on his part but then on mine too. He freaked out and said that he just wasn't ready for another relationship with anyone (he was only three months out of a relationship when we met) and wanted some time to just be himself even though he is crazy about me and is pretty sure I'm 'it' for him. I do understand because I was in that place last year. However the longer that goes by, the more I realise that I'm beyond in love with him still. I subconsciously compare every guy I date to him. How do I get him back because I don't think I'm ever going to get over him? I can't explain cos I never believe this kind of feeling existed but it's like we were two pieces of a puzzle.

retro:electro

You can't ever really "get someone back" if they dont want to be taken back. Sorry to say but he has told you how he feels. You now need to respect yourself enough to walk away. If things change down the line and he has a change of heart then he will let you know, but trying to convince him to come back to you after he's spoken his mind is going to do you no favours.

mg1982

As you said in your post he needs some time to be by himself and work things out in his own head. Its probably a bit overwhelming for him if hes out of a long term relationship and then to meet you and have strong feelings for you. I wouldnt go contacting him and let him contact you which im sure he will if he feels the way he says.

LegacyUser

OP here. I know and I have walked away and cut all contact. I've been in love before and had my heart broken before but this is just so different. I've never believed in sole mates etc but we both said that it's like we were meant to be together. He said the second he saw me in the bar he just had to come over like he had no choice or control over it. He's not perfect, he has flaws but I love him more because of them not in spite if them. I've just never felt this connected to someone. Don't get me wrong, my life is full and busy and to anyone but my best friend I'm happy and over him but the truth is that he's just there in my thoughts all the time. I dream about him every night. I left a relationship cos I'd settled. Now I'm gutted to think I've found what I didn't even know I was looking for but I can't have it.

IlmoNT4

Just chill out OP...if its meant to be, then it will be....

He's told you how he feels, really listen to what he is telling you. If he really really really wanted to be with you, then he would. But hes not.

Pay attention to his actions, not his words. How many of us have heard these words from a great guy...I love you, you are so amazing but.....

A guy that wants you, there is no but at the end of that sentence.

I wouldnt contact him, there is no winning back, he made his decision.

LegacyUser

I can most definitely say Ive had feelings like you OP.
Like an unrequited love.

At this moment, I think you need to start taking a different angle on this. And believing it.

If you do believe in the fundamental "we belong together" thing, well then, if it is true, you will be with him. Rather than trying to control it all, just relax, keep living your life, and itll happen. You have to believe this every day.

I found with this approach, it just normalises it a little. Frees you up. Stopped getting those "pangs". Over a period of time, the pangs are now gone way down, so much so that I think now "I dont think he was the one". I have now met another guy - very very early stages (who is ridiculously cute) but there is room for him now to come in, as my emotions arent all over the place/ruling me.

LegacyUser

havehadsamefeelings wrote: »

I can most definitely say Ive had feelings like you OP

Thanks for your post. It helps to know that someone can relate to how I'm feeling. It's just so intense. I wish sometimes that he'd told me he didn't love me or that he wanted to get back with his ex even thought I wasn't true cos then it would be easier to accept the end and move on. When I'm busy the thoughts are there but under control. But as soon as I stop it's like I'm overwhelmed. Even when I sleep I wake up cos he is in my dream and them I roll over and realise he's not there. And then I'm emotional all day thinking about him. I feel like I'm drowning.

CaraMay

Op sometimes we allow ourselves wallow after a break up as it's almost easier than dusting ourselves down and moving on.

I don't really believe in bad timing. If its right, it works and if not, it finishes,

You need to make a conscious decision to stop the lamenting and yearning as it's not doing you any good. It's the hard bit but you have to move forward.

njs030

Were you with this man for long? Your posts sound like someone who was dumped out of the blue after years and years together but I presume that's not the case?

Honestly op if he felt that strongly about you he would be with you. It really is that simple.

As someone else said actions speak louder than words, forget what he said it was probably cushioning the blow. The only thing that matters is that he didn't want a relationship with you now and for that reason you should forget him and move on.

I'm sure you're aware when some people come out of a long term relationship they feel so lost they jump straight back in the deep end with someone else and try to recreate the intense feelings they are missing.....but it's not real and unsustainable because deep, intense feelings for someone take time to grow!
Would you really want to be with someone who is obviously still grieving for someone else? Have some pride in yourself,you deserve better!

Similar to the above post you do seem to be wallowing in the lost love part and really the best thing for you is to move in and be grateful he did the right thing and didn't let it go on longer.

If it's meant to be it will happen, but let things evolve slowly and naturally.

Eircom_Sucks

op sounds like a stage five clingon to me

like the redhead in the wedding crashers " don't leave me cause i'll find you etc"

as others said , get on with your life and whatever happens happend

identer

Before following the answer you surely know you will get but need reassurance, i.e moving on with your life.
I suggest you give him a call and fix a date or something. I say you cook him a meal and invite him over. Tell him you kinda miss him. He made the first intimate move.. so he surely still have something for you no doubt about that. He might just be scared.
Make the invite as casual as possible. And if he jumps at the hook, try not to make yourself/ himself a booty call.
I really dont know how to explain that, but i hope you get me.

It yours feelings, not mine or anybody elses and deep down your know that you are to move on, but you just cannot. So what you probably need is a real stab of reality (by him turning down the invite). By that you are sure he is totally gone and you can never have him back and no lurking mixed feelings.

pookie82

Lostinlove wrote: »

Ok I can't believe that I'm writing this at my age but here goes.... I was recently dating a guy. Things got serious very quickly - initially on his part but then on mine too. He freaked out and said that he just wasn't ready for another relationship with anyone (he was only three months out of a relationship when we met) and wanted some time to just be himself even though he is crazy about me and is pretty sure I'm 'it' for him. I do understand because I was in that place last year. However the longer that goes by, the more I realise that I'm beyond in love with him still. I subconsciously compare every guy I date to him. How do I get him back because I don't think I'm ever going to get over him? I can't explain cos I never believe this kind of feeling existed but it's like we were two pieces of a puzzle.

How long ago did he finish it?

If it's been a month or more, then I'm afraid his silence and lack of communication means he's sticking with his decision and you need to start to move on...

franktennis

Lostinlove wrote: »

Ok I can't believe that I'm writing this at my age but here goes.... I was recently dating a guy. Things got serious very quickly - initially on his part but then on mine too. He freaked out and said that he just wasn't ready for another relationship with anyone (he was only three months out of a relationship when we met) and wanted some time to just be himself even though he is crazy about me and is pretty sure I'm 'it' for him. I do understand because I was in that place last year. However the longer that goes by, the more I realise that I'm beyond in love with him still. I subconsciously compare every guy I date to him. How do I get him back because I don't think I'm ever going to get over him? I can't explain cos I never believe this kind of feeling existed but it's like we were two pieces of a puzzle.

Well did he come back ?

Merkin

franktennis wrote: »

Well did he come back ?

Please don't ask OP for updates. They will come back to the thread if and when they choose. Thanks.