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LegacyUser

I have a friends with benefits situation with a guy I know very well. I was with this guy last night, and I'm a bit uneasy today about something that happened. He asked what I would like to do, I told him but then he did something completely different. What bothers me is that it is something I had never done before, and he didn't ask before he did it. At the time, it felt ok and I didn't realise what he was doing. It was only afterwards he told me. He didn't hurt me last night, but he did pin me down a little bit and I am a little bruised today. What bothers me is he went ahead and did this to me without asking. Am I overreacting or is this a red flag?!

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I am very sorry that this guy has made you feel like this, has left you bruised and confused and has broken your trust.

No you are not overreacting and please do not let anyone tell you otherwise. If you feel uneasy today you have every right to feel that way and you are better to let yourself feel it than brush it off. You should tell him what you have told us here, that it made you uncomfortable, that he has done something without your consent and you do not want him to do it again. If you do not say anything, he will think that you are ok with it and that it is ok to do this to other girls, but you have to think of yourself first and foremost. And personally if I were you I would also end the FWB situation altogether but only you will know what you are comfortable with.

CaraMay

I'm confused. It all depends what was done to you. Clearly the set up as fwb isn't for you.

kittycati

If you've any doubts at all think it's a sign to nip it in the butt asap

MagicMarker

It's very hard to give an opinion op without knowing details.

The fact that you're bruised today but didn't even realise what was happening at the time sounds very unusual to me.

A simple question is, did you enjoy it?

orthsquel

I'd consider it a red flag. He may not have hurt you, but he didn't ask you if what he was doing was OK with you to do, or that you would even consent to it, especially if it was something you have never done before.

It is sounding to me that he really didn't care about you, but getting his rocks off, whether or not you agreed to whatever he was doing, or were aware or not of what he was doing. You might have enjoyed what he was doing, however, you are bruised and confused on how you should feel about it. That is not a good sign.

The short answer is: friends with benefits can only work with prior discussion and agreement on what is acceptable and what is not and sticking to it. Anything that has not been done before by either party should be discussed and agreed upon before doing it.

FWB is meant to be fun, something that is a mutual agreement in set up and in activity, there is no upper hand by anyone or power play (unless this you have agreed to), and you are not required to put up with any sexual activity that you are not comfortable with.

I think that you should tell him you are not comfortable with what happened and not to do it again if you are not happy to engage with it - if he protests then get yourself out of there altogether - and re-consider whether or not you want to continue a FWB with him.

If you are feeling unsure about whether or not you can trust him, or unsure if he will check with your first and discuss things before doing it, or unsure how you feel about the set up at all, then end it.

Faith

It is very hard to give advice with such a vague situation, and you say you didn't realize it was happening, which makes it even trickier to imagine. But the bottom line is, if you're not comfortable with what happened, you need to talk to him about it. He might not have realized he should seek your permission before every sexual act, or perhaps just this one in particular. But it sounds like you haven't set clear boundaries, which you should do ASAP if you wish to continue this arrangement. Otherwise, call it a day if it's not something you're comfortable with continuing.

strobe

anonop wrote: »

I have a friends with benefits situation with a guy I know very well. I was with this guy last night, and I'm a bit uneasy today about something that happened. He asked what I would like to do, I told him but then he did something completely different. What bothers me is that it is something I had never done before, and he didn't ask before he did it. At the time, it felt ok and I didn't realise what he was doing. It was only afterwards he told me. He didn't hurt me last night, but he did pin me down a little bit and I am a little bruised today. What bothers me is he went ahead and did this to me without asking. Am I overreacting or is this a red flag?!

You don't always stop and ask, sometimes things just progress naturally, most of the time usually.

Just talk to him about it.

It's hard to say based on what you've said. But reading between the lines there doesn't seem to be anything bad that happened. Just miscommunication. He thought things were going in a certain way, and they went that way. As far as he could tell you were up for things too.

So just talk to him.

silverfeather

anonop wrote: »

I have a friends with benefits situation with a guy I know very well. I was with this guy last night, and I'm a bit uneasy today about something that happened. He asked what I would like to do, I told him but then he did something completely different. What bothers me is that it is something I had never done before, and he didn't ask before he did it. At the time, it felt ok and I didn't realise what he was doing. It was only afterwards he told me. He didn't hurt me last night, but he did pin me down a little bit and I am a little bruised today. What bothers me is he went ahead and did this to me without asking. Am I overreacting or is this a red flag?!

It's a big red flag. Don't ever see him again.

I am not at all into the submissive bit I don't know if that is something you have previously done with him.

Was he at all violent ? Did you tell him to stop? I don't mean to push you or anything. You don't give much detail I am a little confused.

mocha please!

It's really hard to know with so little detail.

How did you not realise what he was doing (whatever it was) until afterwards? I would think he was reading your signals, and when you weren't giving any negative reaction, he assumed you were enjoying it.

It depends on what exactly we're talking about here, but sometimes when you're having sex, you end up trying new things naturally - you don't always discuss in advance exactly how it's going to go. It sounds like you gave him absolutely no indication that you weren't enjoying whatever he was doing.

It actually sounds like you enjoyed it slightly, I mean you admit that you liked it. I wouldn't stop seeing him because of it, but instead next time you meet discuss it with him. Depending on his reaction then, that's when you will know whether to stop seeing him or not. As others have mentioned, often times things happen naturally and it's just something that happens. It's not necessarily a red flag as such. Talk to him about it.

Saralee4

Just going by your post op, it sounds like perhaps and im just speculating, you were both drunk and he tried something out in the moment, you went along with it and you feel now that it is not for you.

if this is the case then decide if you want to stay in this Fwb situation and make clear that under no circumstance should he try that again because it was not for you.

Obviously there are certain boundaries that should not be crossed however every action and movement is not going to be drawn up and discussed in detail. It sounds the way that you describe that he tried something out and you agreed.

I suppose the main question is, did you feel at the time that you could not say no out of fear that his reaction would be aggressive? Or did you feel kind of okay with it at the time and then decide later after reflection that it was not something that was for you?

Rubberchikken

personally i don't need to know any details, because it seems from your post you're not happy with what occurred and that's enough to tell me that you should be rethinking this 'relationship'.
you need to look after yourself and your self esteem, and being there for someone in this situation is going to erode that.

ShowMeTheCash

This thread seems to be turning into a storm in a tea cup with having little to no information, already I see people using words like "He might do it to the next girl" and using words like "Consent"..

wrote:

He asked what I would like to do, I told him but then he did something completely different.

This is very vague and could be anything...

wrote:

At the time, it felt ok and I didn't realise what he was doing. It was only afterwards he told me.

This part is just confusing, he was doing something but you did not know what he was doing and by the sounds of it you would not have known only that he told you..... I dunno I am lost!

Life is not 50 shades of gray I have never known anyone to sit down and draw up a contract of do's and don't when it comes to sex, sometimes people might just say look I don't do this or I don't do that....
Sexual experimentation between a couple or in your case FWB could be regarded as normal, people find out what the other likes or dislikes, if he does something or decides to try something you don't like I think the norm would be to say "I don't like that" or in the flip side "That's nice"...

anonresponse wrote:

You should tell him what you have told us here, that it made you uncomfortable, that he has done something without your consent and you do not want him to do it again

Before you start a Witch hunt maybe try not put words in the OP's mouth, she did not say it made her feel uncomfortable and she did not say she did not want to do it again. The OP's issue "What bothers me is he went ahead and did this to me without asking"

Yea, lots of women have done things that were not discussed and heat of the moment, but I most certainly wouldn't be concerned about it and, if anything, I thoroughly enjoyed a lot of stuff. If I didn't, I would have told them. Also I'm as confused as others are about you not knowing what happened. Bruising is sometimes a consequence of many sexual acts and it would also depend on how easily you bruise. Some people love it, some people don't. Talk to him. Be honest. Be open. And try not to be close minded. Especially because you enjoyed it in the heat of the moment.

LegacyUser

Op here, I posted this last night because I had no idea where I stood on what had happened. And now things are a lot clearer, and I know exactly where I stand.

Fact is I did not agree to what happened. It doesn't matter that it didn't particularly hurt, I never gave consent. Its not about me being close minded as boneyarsebogman suggested, its about me not being given the opportunity to say yes or no to something. That is what has been bothering me.

Looking back on conversations we've had, its clear this is a massive fantasy for him. And it is something I had specifically said no to. I think he got carried away in the heat of the moment and went for it. Yes things progress naturally, but I always want to agree to those things.

And no Saralee4, neither of us are big drinkers so there was no drink involved.

I'm going to speak to him later on today, as he has been a great friend to me over the years. Our arrangement is over though, as I am not happy with what happened. It may look like I'm blowing things out of proportion, but it bothered me so much that I wrote a thread on here.

silverfeather

OP i am a sensible person. Some men love rough play either to receive or give. But the last thing I want is some guy to turn around after and say 'wait a min you did this to me and this to me etc'. I would ask their limits. Someone who says they have none or are perfectly comfortable for you to do anything is detached from reality. I want someone who wants it back. I have those fantasies.

Are you worried that he didn't know what he was doing well enough? There are workshops you can do etc.

Some people scene sex play and don't stray or have a cue for improvising. Wham bam thank you man does not make much room for after care etc.

If you don't like giving up control then don't put yourself in that role.
It's not that he is a bad guy ...but ideally you should have had this discussion before hand. Either you are not suited to this or he isn't.

You need to ask some questions of him. See if he is emotionally mature and stable enough for this before you even think about it. Ideally you should do this before. Not after.

He should have had the maturity to see this was needed before. Have a safe word or something.Anyone with common sense should stop everything if they see it's not working during sex. If you don’t want to be bruised for days but your pain tolerance is really high due to the endorphins and adrenaline running through you, you may not realize how rough stuff is a good partner will realize and respect the limits you set before the scene started.

To me it seems a red flag. He should have been looking out for you.