Committment issues

HeadWrecked93

ok so here it goes.

I'm in my early 20's and single. A guy who i've been friends with for years decided to tell me the other day that he likes me. I was delighted because i like him too!

Then he went on and in the next sentence said he was afraid off commitment and didn't want to be leading me on. Obviously I wasn't so delighted any more.

Like we have been friends for nearly 4 years and everything was fine, then out of the blue he tells me this one night and has being avoiding me since. I've told him that I like him too and understand if he doesn't want to commit and stuff but its killing me at the moment.

I do really like him and would love to date him but saying that I'm happy too if we just stay friends. At the moment my head is wrecked because he wont talk to me and I don't understand what he was hoping to get out of telling me he liked me but was afraid of commitment.

Any advice on what to say to him? How do we go back to normal from here now that the secret is out? Any one else here ever in a similar situation, how did it work out for you??

CaraMay

Just forget he ever said it and move on. He is a messer. I don't see why he would say that if he wasn't going to act on it so don't let him hold you back.

Mr. Incognito

Sounds like he wanted an ego boost or the ride

cactusgal

Sorry OP.

What he meant was:

1.
"I like you, am attracted to you, and want to have sex with you, but I don't want to be your boyfriend."

2.
"I also like using the most cliched phrase in the dating book." (I have commitment issues?? Yawn. At least be creative, bro).

Luckily, you're clever enough to have him sussed, so don't go there unless you want to be FWB (and I don't get the impression that's what you want).

Now to use more cliches:

1. Onwards and upwards (you make your own reality, which is good, bc life is short. Your 20s are even shorter).

2. There are plenty more fish in the sea. There really, REALLY are. Find one who wants to be your boyfriend.

Good luck! Xx

Stinjy

This I get! Sometimes you just need to be honest and say what you feel. I did something similar even though I figured I wasn't gonna get very far as I was emigrating but I honestly couldn't keep it a secret any more and it was getting me down, emotional hell in my head etc and once I aired it it was a lot easier but I don't understand why there's no contact any more.. I say go for a coffee and tell him what you feel/ want and hope it stops the "awkwardness"

Saralee4

I know a lot of people don't really buy the whole commitment issues thing but I do think it exists.

The problem with this is that this guy will let you get emotionally involved while he will be able to pick you up abd drop you and then dissappear and then return. It seems he is backing away because you reciprocated and confirmed the feeling was mutual.

For whatever reason he feels suffocated and engulfed by the thought of a serious relationship and intimacy. I would say just move on and stay away but be awarethat when you do, he will return and be trying to get back with you again and if you go back, it wwon't be long before he's gone again. He will want you at times when he thinks you are moving on. You will not be able to share true intimacy and you will never know where you stand with him.

These type of self defined commitment phobes can be very exciting, dramatic and intense often faking deep feelings for another person but really they are insecure and usually looking for an ego buzz.

Stavro Mueller

I've been on the receiving end of this and to be honest it killed the friendship. You can't unhear the words once they're said. There isn't always a going back to how things were. It's awkward knowing that your friend fancies you and that you don't feel the same way.

OP I think you know this is a non runner. It may take a while for things to settle back down again. Your friend may not want to talk about it and if it becomes clear that you aren't going to try and pin him down for a heart to heart it might resolve itself.

buswankers

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

It's awkward knowing that your friend fancies you and that you don't feel the same way.

But she said he was the one to tell her he liked her first??!!!

I dont really have any advice here to be honest, dont really understand why he would tell you he liked you but then in the same breath say that he cant get into a relationship with you cos he has committment issues, sounds like a mind f*** to me. If he can turn this cold overnight it doesnt sound like he was much of a "friend" to begin with.

HeadWrecked93

OP here...Thanks for all they advise, eventually got a chance to ask him a few questions and try clear things up. So he of course blamed the confession on beinh 'hammered' and didnt want to explain why he wasnt looking for anything ??

Any way I'm just too confused and feel like its a waste of time to probe any more so just left it at that.

Said we'd just clear the slate and forget it ever happened.

Obviously its not what I was hoping for but its clear he's not interested and i dont want to be wasting time, energy and emotions on something that's bound to fail.

Going to continue being friends like old times (obviously the truth will always be out there but i think i can move on).

As i always say 'whats for you wont pass you by'.

Thanks again