dad splitting family apart

irishlad1819

oh where to start...
so our mother died 2 years ago after a 14 month battle with cancer it was a long painful battle days we wld never like to relive... our dad did his bit but by times he cld have done so much more for her. he often did only what he wanted and put his wants and needs before hers... resulting in her being left in floods of tears.... one such time he told her she cldnt spend her own money as it wld be needed for funeral costs.... this was one of lowest things he ever said to her.

so after she passed we tried to get to terms with all and still are. ... firstly he is a man aged 69. over the past 6 months his behaviour has changed so much... eating out all the time taking up couple type activities. .. staying away over nite in hotels two and 3 nites at a time... all very unusual behaviour for him.

in the back of my mind im thinking he is seeing another woman dropping comments about heading in vacations abroad with another woman etc... then one day he tell us yes he is meeting a woman never mentions her name she lives 2 hrs away.... its only frienship... then later one sibling finds a txts which confirms it much more than he is telling us and worse it becomes clear he was looking to meet other women over the last 6 months.

ok I totally understand we cant control his life but it hurts he is doing all the things he wldnt do with our mum. .. eating out.... nites away... mentioning going ob holiday abroad with this other woman something our mum so wanted but he wldnt take her... this hurts so much feels so disrespectful to our mum

its has split our family of 4 in two... two have disowned him two hurt by his actions but willing to stick by him.

best way I can ask you to reply is to ask u to place urself in my shoes .... how wld u feel. .. think of all the lies he can't be honest and tell us what he is really doing. ... even something as basic as whats her name... and how come he picks someone so far from home...

plse help as its 5am and this is killing me inside id value some outsider input so much

Oryx

You may have to come to terms with the fact that your parents marriage was not good and your father was less than perfect within it. He may not have loved your mum, towards the end. Thats a cold fact, but it happens so much in long term relationships, that one person drifts away while the other remains loving. Or maybe thats wrong. Maybe he was angry at her illness and reacted by hurting her. Even if you do try to understand his behaviour I know nothing will excuse his cruelty. But you cant make the man into something he is not and he cant go back and change his past actions.

So you guys have a choice. You confront him with your pain and anger over what he did and see if talking to him helps with coming to terms with his actions or gives you an explanation. Or you decide to leave it in the past and accept that everyone in a new relationship bends over backwards to be nice to their new partner- which he is doing. Or you estrange from him. I dont recommend the latter, as it entrenches longterm bitterness in families which spreads far beyond the initial problem and hurts everyone involved, especially innocent parties like kids.

CaraMay

Do you not think its the kids who are splitting the family apart? Chances are your parents married in a different generation where it was expected of them and love often came as a bonus (or not as the case may be).... It looks like your parents marriage wasn't happy but you seem to have laid the blame firmly at your fathers feet. I understand you are grieving and upset about it all but maybe he's just trying to find someone to be happy with after being married and raising a family for so many years.

Is there more to it here? Are the others worried about him marrying again / the inheritance etc?

bjork

Your Dad is entitled to live his life. It may hurt or seem disrespectful to you, but it's his choice. Why are you/your sister snooping on his phone?



Would you rather he sat around in floods of tears all day?

You and your sister need to grow up and step back

If the tables were turned. How would you like your dad snooping through your phone. Telling you you can't date someone because they live to far from home. etc.

Maybe your Dad is keeping her separate as he knows his children will cause conflict with her?

strandroad

Is it more about his new partner, or his cruelty to your mother when she was sick and dying? About the former there's nothing to do but accept. I can see, however, how the latter may have shocked you and changed your view on your family relationships, make you question your upbringing, your memories; and it's all resurfacing now and feels so unfair on your mother.
Can you arrange some family counselling with your siblings?

Mr. Incognito

Children need to realise that parents are adults.

Their responsibility ends when you hit 18 and are alive.

In return you should respect their own private lives.

Your Dad sounds like a jerk, but you have zero right to snoop in his phone or take positions on his friends or romantic life.

Butt out.

catonthewire

Hi OP,

I really am sorry that you lost your Mum in such a sad way..
Whilst your Dad's actions and comments were indeed hurtful , did it ever cross your mind that he wasn't able to cope with her illness and subsequent death?...
Perhaps he couldn't deal with the grief and having to watch his partner lose her battle with cancer...
Not everyone can cope OP, and this results in behaviour that appears harsh , please understand that I'm not trying to justifying his actions but pointing out that death and illness effects US all differently..

As for his life now, he's a man in his late 60s , facing the fact he is alone , of course he wants happiness...
Try not to judge so harshly, stay in contact with him, life is too short for regrets..

Stavro Mueller

OP, I really feel for you and what you went through with your mum. We can only speculate as to why your father treated your mother so callously and what their marriage was like leading up to that point. At the end of the day though, the issues you've raised were between your mother and him. It was their marriage regardless of whether it was a good one or a bad one.

At this stage though, your father isn't doing anything wrong. He's a single 69 year old man who is free to date whoever he wants. I can understand why you'd not like the idea but it's actually none of your business. I'm assuming that all four of you are now grown adults in your 20s-40s and may have families of your own now. You'd not want your father butting into your private lives, would you? As it is you are overstepping the mark. I wouldn't dream of picking up my own father's phone and reading his texts. Nor do I want to know what he and my mum do on a day to day basis. The way you're behaving now, you're like disapproving parents tut-tutting over their wayward teenage son's behaviour and wishing he'd stop wanting to go out to nightclubs and chase girls.

What all four of you should do is take a big step back and let your father live his own life. You can't change what went before. You will have to come to terms (or not) with how he treated your mum. That's one issue. What he's getting up to now in his private life isn't really of your concern. By the looks of things he's not going to let your opinions on the matter influence what he's doing anyway. So it's up to yourselves to decide what sort of relationship you want to have with him. Maybe after what happened with your mum it might be better to back away somewhat and stay in touch but not too closely.

irishlad1819

cheers for all the replies its obvious from the different replies people will have different view points on this... and I guess that goes to explain why the siblings have different views.

firstly there was no direct attempt to search anyones phone it happened by accident under his presence.

as for the family background my grand parents on both sides lost their spouses at similar ages and neither behaved in the manner he does right now so its unusual for us

as I said before I can understand I cant control who he sees what he does etc. not blind to that. my main issue is his superior treatment he gives this woman over his wife of many many years it very hard to sit back and watch that.... I know for sure he is spending her money which he wldnt let her spend on this woman.. that too is difficult to watch.

so I plan on making these points to him and pointing out about all his lies about his behaviour and then as of late, then cutting all contact for the foreseeable future.

CaraMay

I think you need to go for counselling op. You have a lot of animosity towards your father.

florawest

CaraMay wrote: »

I think you need to go for counselling op. You have a lot of animosity towards your father.

So sorry about your loss, its tough watching what you think is special treatment to the new woman while he didn't for whatever reason give to your mum, all ye can do is to chat between yourselves and your dad and let it go, your mum wouldn't want ye to be carrying extra baggage around, it will eat ye up, accept it and be thankful that ye her children were able to give her love and at the end of the day that's all us mum's want, marriages can/are far from perfect and your dad probably was like this all his married life, talk to listening ears and to your mum, she wouldn't want ye to be upset, good suggestion by other poster to go for counselling, life throws alot of crap but its how we deal with it that makes us the people our mum's would be proud of, good luck to all

Stavro Mueller

OP, I'm not sure you are actually hearing what everyone is trying to tell you. Yes your father was horrible to your mum and it is a shame that you've got these bad memories that are souring it all. It isn't nice to see him wining and dining his new lady friend and treating her better than he treated your mum.

But...it is none of your business. None. Your father is now a widowed, single man and his marriage is in the past. He is now going into this new relationship of his with a clean slate and is free to do what he wants. Maybe you don't want to control what he does but you sure as hell are all lining up to be judge, jury and executioner.

Why is this issue burning you up so much? From what I can see, he didn't really lie. I'm sure he knows how you feel about him moving on and replacing your mother. It's his private life, not yours. You know, if I was in his shoes I'd not want to breathe a word of my business to you either. He's no fool. He knows you're all going to hate his new girlfriend and she's on a hiding to nothing. Also, if he's romancing a new woman she's not going to get the callous treatment he dished out to your mum. Don't make the mistake of comparing like with like.

Seriously - you're better off going for counselling asap and resolving your issues there. All of you. Unless you think that burning bridges and ruining your relationship with your father is what you want. CaraMay hit the nail on the head though. It's not your father who's tearing the family apart. It's you kids who are doing it because you're dealing with his moving on in different ways. If you're not careful, that will be his legacy.

Raised Eyebrow

irishlad1819 wrote: »

as for the family background my grand parents on both sides lost their spouses at similar ages and neither behaved in the manner he does right now so its unusual for us

. my main issue is his superior treatment he gives this woman over his wife of many many years it very hard to sit back and watch that.... I know for sure he is spending her money which he wldnt let her spend on this woman.. that too is difficult to watch.

When your Grandparents were widowed they may have liked to have met someone new but society would have made it difficult. Thankfully things have moved on. My own grandmother remarried at 69 years in the early 90's and it was so unusual her photo was in 2 national newspapers. Your father is in the early stages of a relationship and it is likely that he treated your mother in the same way when they met first. His financial circumstances are probably better now and maybe would have showered your mother in the early days if he could. You never know what goes on between 2 people. He is lonely and you all have your own lives and need to let him live his and come to terms with his choices.

silverfeather

irishlad1819 wrote: »

c

as I said before I can understand I cant control who he sees what he does etc. not blind to that. my main issue is his superior treatment he gives this woman over his wife of many many years it very hard to sit back and watch that.... I know for sure he is spending her money which he wldnt let her spend on this woman.. that too is difficult to watch.

so I plan on making these points to him and pointing out about all his lies about his behaviour and then as of late, then cutting all contact for the foreseeable future.

I am very sorry for the loss of your mother. xx


Did your father do that to you or to your mother? That was an issue between your parents. It was awful of your father to do this to your mother. I am guessing though you are feeling your father is being insensitive to your grief right now. And perhaps that is true.

It could be the fact that he has since learnt how one is meant to treat a partner.

You may lament that this was not done for your mother. But your parents relationship is separate from yours.

I would say this. Perhaps say once or talk with your father about how he treated your mother and how it affected you and hurt you.

But you can't expect live his life for him.

It's tough to go through what you are going through. But love and relationships should be celebrated the way your Dad treated your mom is not the example one should follow.

strandroad

I'm surprised at the tone of some of the replies here. If OP's father was horrible to their mother when she was sick and dying, it was not just a relationship between the two of them, it affected their whole family unit. Whether one's parents are still in love or not, it's not a stretch to expect some basic decency and loyalty in such situation.

The mindset OP is in now (triggered by their father actually being great with new people) is similar to when a family suffers abuse or neglect from a parent, and then years later they get to see that the same parent can have a loving, caring relationship with their new children or stepchildren in a new family. It does make you question your family history, your worth, your image of parenting and relationships. After all, if they are capable of love and affection, what's wrong with us that they did not show it in our family?

It's okay for OP to acknowledge that seeing that difference and capability now they are hurt or feel betrayed. And it does have the potential to split the family, if some can move on while for others it's still difficult.

OP, there is nothing you can do about your father's current relationships, and you shouldn't even try. His new partner is not the issue, the past is - you probably wouldn't mind if he met someone new, if you did not feel the betrayal you do after what he's done.

What you can do is to attend counselling to talk through all of the above and to see whether you can/want to sustain a relationship with your father, ideally communicating with your siblings all along the way.

Maurice Greene.

It is absolutely none of your business who your father dates or how he spends his money. He has no say in how you live your life either, if you are over 18
His relationship with your mother was their life.
You are his son so start acting like it.
I myself lost my mother to cancer 3 weeks ago and I know what grief and pain that brings. It is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with.
What my father does in the future with his life is his own business and if he finds another woman in the future(doubt he will), I will not like it but I will not interfere in any way.
My advice is to focus on the good memories of your mother and stop transferring. May she rest in peace.

Blue Iris

While I agree with the posters saying that what your Dad does with his life is his own business, I think that the hurt he is causing is less about that and more about the fact that he didn't treat your mother well. It's very hard for you to see him treating someone who is a stranger to you to holidays, meals out etc. when he was not a good husband to your mother and never did these things with her.

For your own sake, I would try to grieve for your mother in your own way and trust that you are honouring your memory of her and ignore what your dad is doing. It sounds as if he wasn't fair to your mother and that is hard to come to terms with. She deserved better. What he is doing now is possibly trying to avoid his feelings and be out of the house as much as possible. I can understand why that hurts you but there isn't much point in trying to control anyone else's behaviour. Each of you should try to focus on dealing with your own grief and let this go if you can. Best of luck.

irishlad1819

Blue Iris wrote: »

While I agree with the posters saying that what your Dad does with his life is his own business, I think that the hurt he is causing is less about that and more about the fact that he didn't treat your mother well. It's very hard for you to see him treating someone who is a stranger to you to holidays, meals out etc. when he was not a good husband to your mother and never did these things with her.

For your own sake, I would try to grieve for your mother in your own way and trust that you are honouring your memory of her and ignore what your dad is doing. It sounds as if he wasn't fair to your mother and that is hard to come to terms with. She deserved better. What he is doing now is possibly trying to avoid his feelings and be out of the house as much as possible. I can understand why that hurts you but there isn't much point in trying to control anyone else's behaviour. Each of you should try to focus on dealing with your own grief and let this go if you can. Best of luck.

and that's exactly why I posted this question ... u hit the nail on the head... I have no desire to control him or his actions never had or will he can do what he wants.... for those that think different that have posted other wise please re read the original post.

I was only asking how others wld feel in a similar position.... I.e how he was with my mum and how he is now with another woman its that simple... only thing I want to decide now is how act with him going foward.... right now ill be letting him off to do his own thing what ever that is... but I wont be in contact with him and thats my right to decide.

CaraMay

so what's your aim here? To make him pay for his sins for the rest of his life?

I know a fab girl (now 50's) who fell in love with a widower and he her. his grown up kids made it IMPOSSIBLE for them and the eventually broke up, both being heartbroken. His kids all have their own families and he is still single and goes to the pub every night on his own. Who won that one?

Stavro Mueller

You're not wrong to feel angry/hurt/resentful etc. over what has happened. BUT, you need to be very careful this issue does not eat you up and destroy what's left of your family. You said in your original post that it has split your siblings down the middle. If this continues it could cause a rift in your family and you could be left not on speaking terms with your own brothers and sisters. Do you want that?

cuilteanna

My mam died only a few months ago and my father is already telling us that "his doctor told him" he should find a girlfriend. I didn't react at all to that, as others have said here I accept that the choice is his to make and none of my business. I am still grieving my mam very much and, like you, there are times in the past where he treated her VERY badly. I wouldn't stop him from finding someone new and would do my best to be civil, but that is all. (My OH points out that it's a remote possibility, saying "who else would put up with him?")

A friend's family split the way yours did, their father remarried less than 6 months after their mam died. Two refused to attend the wedding, the other two did. Several years on the siblings are all friendly with one another even though one still doesn't speak to their father, so it can work out.

ShowMeTheCash

irishlad1819 wrote: »

and that's exactly why I posted this question ... u hit the nail on the head... I have no desire to control him or his actions never had or will he can do what he wants.... for those that think different that have posted other wise please re read the original post.

I was only asking how others wld feel in a similar position.... I.e how he was with my mum and how he is now with another woman its that simple... only thing I want to decide now is how act with him going foward.... right now ill be letting him off to do his own thing what ever that is... but I wont be in contact with him and thats my right to decide.

You seem very angry which I guess is very much a natural thing to feel.

Just a few things to consider:
You mention your Dad is treating this women he barley knows better than he treated your mother...
Thing is you don't know that! Your Mum and Dad where not always your mum and dad they where once John and Jill a young couple just starting out in life who knows what your Dad was like in the early days of their relationship!

Maybe life did not turn out exactly how your Dad wanted it, maybe he should never married your mother I don't know.

I am sorry you lost your mum but being angry at your dad is not going to make you feel better.

One day you will put your dad in the ground also you might see things differently then, hopefully you will not live to regret your own actions.

Drumpot

My sincere condolences on the death of your mother.

Ultimately I would suggest personal councelling and take it from there before confronting your father. This is an extremely sensitive issue and to be honest it sounds like you and your siblings could do with objective professional guidance.

Nothing can excuse the kind of awful behaviour you mentioned but sometimes there are reasons that may redeem your father in a way you can still have a civil relationship with him.

Perhaps your father wasn't able to deal, emotionally , with your mothers slow death. It would be very common for his generation. Perhaps he divorced emotionally to cope? Not everybody can deal with this kind of horrible news for a loved one.

None of this excuses him but two wrongs don't make a right. He is trying to move on and while your issues are related to his newfound enjoyment, you might be better served learning to deal with your mothers death and accepting the new dynamics of your family.

There are certain things I have resolved with my parents. One of the starting points was asking myself "do I feel better feeling love for my parents or negative feelings that translate to resentments ?"

You can choose to love your father for who he is. By all means express your dissapointment with how he treated your mother, but if you can accept this is who he is and that he is a flawed human being, I would hazard a guess that your family will be stronger as a result. Whether that includes him in it is another thing. The most important thing is the part of your family that wants to be a family.

redbel05

Op i am very sorry for your loss. From the way you speak about your parents it would appear that your mum loved your father until her last. Chances are that she would want him to get on with his life by meeting someone new. And also that she wouldn't want the family so split. Have you thought that the care and attention he is giving to his new partner may be out of some guilt that he felt about how he treated your mum? Don't know the guy so can't say what's going on in his head.
What I'm maybe getting from you is that you feel your dad has separated himself from your family since taking up with this woman and are hurt by this? If this woman is serious enough that he is going on holidays with him, maybe its time for the family to meet her in a chilled out, non hostile fashion. The pain of your mums death may be still quite raw for you, but seeing a little bit of happiness in your fathers life might go a way in easing it.

Saralee4

Op I can see where you are coming from. I had a similar situation when one of my grandparents died. A member of the family was particularly cruel and did not make the effort to make my grandparent as comfortable as possible during those last few months. Although we managed to hide this from my grandparent.

I and other family members have found it difficult to forgive this person for not being able to see the significance of the situation at the time and the importance of being there and helping out. I felt that it was all of our responsibility to make sacrifices and put our grandparent's needs first but the family member seemed to just be focused on their own needs at the time. It made a difficult time more difficult for everyone else.

I don't think this person is all bad but I still find it hard. I feel that some actions that people take in stressful times like that show sides and weaknesses to people that you may not like or understand.

I imagine that you also feel betrayed as your mother's death and looking after her and trying to make her feel as best as possible during that time was so important to you and your siblings too and your dad failed to see that and the effect his actions were having on you. So in a way he did let you down too and not just your mam.

I know that you have nothing against his new life and understand his need for that however I think part of your trust in who he is as a person has gone or who you expected him to be. You have lost a bit of respect for him. I'm not sure you can get that back.

Sometimes we see our parents as super human. We expect that they would do anything for us. You are in pain, your mother was in pain and you don't feel that he was there in the way he should have.

He is not an evil person for this though. It's just how he handled the situation. He was oblivious to his role or the role that people believed him to excel at. He probably hasn't looked after someone who was sick before even just the flu. That was probably something your mam did in your family.

All I can say is that I understand how you feel. I think all you can do is explain to him and be completely honest, that you are hurt but you will have to accept that he did what he did and that cannot be changed. I think if he can show some understanding for how you are feeling then you might be able to get passed it.

You can only improve yourself and try to be the best that you can be. Your father is not perfect. Now you need to be the man that your father was not (for your children if you have any and for your dad) and learn to be the bigger man and forgive him. Sometimes you kind of have to be the parent.

Emme

I am sorry to hear about the death of your mother. From what you said I think your father treated her despicably while she was alive and he is showing absolutely no respect to her memory if he started dating immediately after she was gone. It seems that he waited 18 months but I'm sure he wasn't without offers in that time. However this is his choice and you can do nothing about it. At his age he has his pick of women and you can be sure that the woman/women he is with now is/are making compromises to have him in her/their life/lives. He may well be stringing along two or three women and spinning them yarns about how sad he is after losing the wife he loved very much.

Life is not fair and those who deserve happiness don't always get it and those who don't deserve it sometimes have blissful lives.

You can do nothing about that. If you don't want to have any further contact that's up to you and if other family members want to stay in touch with him that's their choice. If I was in your situation and my father behaved like that I would put as much distance between us as possible.

catonthewire

Emme wrote: »

I am sorry to hear about the death of your mother. From what you said I think your father treated her despicably while she was alive and he is showing absolutely no respect to her memory if he started dating immediately after she was gone. It seems that he waited 18 months but I'm sure he wasn't without offers in that time. However this is his choice and you can do nothing about it. At his age he has his pick of women and you can be sure that the woman/women he is with now is/are making compromises to have him in her/their life/lives. He may well be stringing along two or three women and spinning them yarns about how sad he is after losing the wife he loved very much

That's a lot of assumptions to be making on the man given he's only with ONE woman and it appears to be from the OPs original post a mutual partnership..

CaraMay

Emme wrote: »

I am sorry to hear about the death of your mother. From what you said I think your father treated her despicably while she was alive and he is showing absolutely no respect to her memory if he started dating immediately after she was gone. It seems that he waited 18 months but I'm sure he wasn't without offers in that time. However this is his choice and you can do nothing about it. At his age he has his pick of women and you can be sure that the woman/women he is with now is/are making compromises to have him in her/their life/lives. He may well be stringing along two or three women and spinning them yarns about how sad he is after losing the wife he loved very much.

Life is not fair and those who deserve happiness don't always get it and those who don't deserve it sometimes have blissful lives.

You can do nothing about that. If you don't want to have any further contact that's up to you and if other family members want to stay in touch with him that's their choice. If I was in your situation and my father behaved like that I would put as much distance between us as possible.

I don't agree with your post at all. 18 months is more than respectable. On top of that you don't know what he's doing. This is a very damaging post.