Ignored or just missed?

LegacyUser

Hi,

Basically, I was very good friends with a girl from primary school up until around the age of 18. We fell out over something that was my fault. This friendship break (from her and another friend) was pretty much a break-up for me at the time, I mourned the lost relationships, felt sorry for having messed them up, but accepted their desire to no longer be friends.

We have spoken since at social events and it has been civil.

Fast-forward over ten years, and my old friend celebrated a milestone event. I still think very fondly of her (and the other friend) and thought it would be nice to reach out and wish her a happy day. I didn't want to be invasive and contact her on facebook, so I emailed her. There is a possibility she doesn't check this old address any more, but I didn't want to be too intrusive (e.g. finding her on facebook), so I thought it was the best option.

Basically, she hasn't replied to my email. I'm a little sad about this, but totally accept her decision if she has no interest. The email didn't call for any sort of reply either, it was merely an expression of good wishes. My only niggling thought is that maybe she hasn't seen it and now I'm trying to think what is the more likely scenario.

I'm definitely not going to risk bothering her again through any other communication method, but I guess if I knew if she was annoyed by my message or merely missed it, I'd have a better way of knowing how to act the next time I see her. I guess, I don't want to force her to be civil in a social situation if she really has no interest in talking to me. I respect her and her decision and I guess I'm asking you guys for your take as there are obvious reasons why I can't ask her directly.

If you are wondering about my motivation for sending the email, I've been wondering about that myself. I guess I've had so many good times and happy memories with this girl that it seemed right at the time. Now I'm a bit worried I've done something stupid/inappropriate.

Thanks!

Blue Iris

I would have done the same in your shoes so I honestly don't think you've done anything stupid or inappropriate. You sound as if you're being hard on yourself. She may have missed your email or she may have decided not to reply. It's really hard not to know but take comfort from the fact that you were brave enough to take the risk of wishing her well in her life. You did a good thing. It would be brilliant if there was a response but now I think you should let yourself off the hook and try to forgive yourself for your mistake.

Big Bag of Chips

It's been 10 years. Surely you've all grown up and moved on from whatever it was that happened? You'll probably never be "best friends" with the girl but you can still be friends. If you are using a 10 year old email address there is every chance that she doesn't use it anymore. You're effort to not come across as invasive while understandable is probably a bit wimpy! Facebook is the way to go these days. Looking her up on Facebook could hardly be considered intrusive! It's a very simple way to get in touch with people from our past.

I think you are probably thinking much more about this than she is/would be if you contacted her. Find her on Facebook, send a friend request, and then see what happens!

As it is you have no way of knowing if she will ever see that email.

orthsquel

The only motivation I can see is testing the waters to convince yourself you have followed through on making contact to wish them well, so that they know you wish them well.

OP I get a sense of sentiment in your post, like you're not fully over what happened. And I think you might be trying to sabotage yourself in the sense of setting yourself up for a rejection that you might put yourself through the mill over, just to make yourself feel bad. Is it even necessary to express your well wishing? Who benefits from that, them or you? I would say you, because you get to show you still care about them and think of them fondly.. whereas they might not remember who you are (or might do, but don't want to be reminded of a difficult time in their past) and might find it unsettling that someone from 10 years ago who is not part of their life knows about a milestone event in their life, somehow, and is looking to be seen chiming in on it.

To be honest, I don't think you should be trying to reach out to them by email or facebook.... even if facebook is more a conventional means, you'll still be sitting in the situation of wondering are they ignoring you or just haven't seen it and making yourself feel bad over it. You care about the outcome and result of sending the message and your effort being validated, and there's no way to confirm if the email was seen, ignored, or binned as spam. I think you are making conclusions about their reaction based on something that may not have even been received and are worrying about it, (where there may have been none, as they may not have got it, or went straight to spam) over an issue from 10 years ago.

I think maybe what is probably healthier for you is to move on from those friendships and trying to wish that person well. Perhaps if you ran into them some day you can wish them well or congratulate them. But for now, I think emotionally and psychologically you need to move on and while it's nice to think fondly of people from the past, and even stray back into the past with memories, it's important to not get lost in it that you prevent yourself from making new memories with new people or trap yourself in an issue from a decade ago and being hard on yourself over it.

That said, with the email, it's done and sent, there's nothing you can do about it, all you can control is what you do from now, and that should really be to move on from it and the person involved.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your replies, it's great to get a diversity of views.

I really appreciate the sentiment that maybe what I did isn't that unusual and other people might be tempted to do the same.

Regarding using facebook, I realise now I probably should have used it as we have mutual friends. I won't do it now as the email has been sent and it would be overkill. I knew the implications of sending it as an email when I sent it, but I think I'd fooled myself about what my true emotions were.

Finally, the third response, well, I think you're very insightful and a lot of what you said really hit home to me. Losing these friendships was devastating at the time, but I made new friends and got on with my life, wishing my old friends well. I guess it wasn't clear to me how much I had actually held on to these relationships and had just put a pin in the emotions. I also very much agree with you that it could sound like I was "chiming in", and that is honestly something that I am worried about, but I know everyone is different and that could be a very legitimate interpretation from my old friends.

I think your advice is wise and I will definitely take it on board. Thanks for your help everyone :-)

Lollipops23

OP you don't need to send another message but I'd see nothing at all wrong with adding her on facebook.

milli milli

I would agree with others and just try to move on. You did a nice thing and there's no way to know for sure that she ever got it, but you did it. Try to take comfort from the fact that you did it, irrespective of what happens.

FYI there's a thing called bananatag, that I use when I send emails. I'm able to see if the recipient opens an email. (It's just one example of an email tag - there's others out there.) it's very handy when you need to know this.