Found Out My Boyfriend Hasn't Been Totally Honest

lollyandpepper

I am with my boyfriend 6 years, living together for 5, we are obviously very serious and this became even more serious when I fell pregnant last year, and he's now 8months old, we are totally besotted and life just feels like it has a purpose now. What I didn't ever foresee was that my boyfriend was hiding a secret and I am so confused and I can't make any sense of it. I found that he had a secret email and profile on a website but not just any website, a website for transsexuals and transvestites. I am shocked to the core and although I haven't seen any conversations between himself and someone else it has just turned my world upside down, I feel everything I ever thought about him is a lie and how he could be so dishonest to me. I have confronted him and we have spent hours and hours and days and days trying to get through it, he hasn't got any answers for me he just said it's something he's was 'into'. Was being the operative word because I found out, I believe he would of continued If I hadn't, he said me finding it was a wake up call and it was just purely a 'looking' and not touching, I'm not stupid but I am trying to keep my family together if possible. I would hate for us all not to be together but I feel he didn't share the same thoughts when he was being dishonest. I call it cheating even if nothing ever did happen. It's all I think about and I can't shake it and I would like people's opinions and if anyone has gone through similar.
Thank you x

Were they set up before or after you two got together? You might find it odd, but transsexuals and transvestites are a relatively common fetish for straight men. I've had many discussions with my straight male friends about whether they would sleep with one and I know of many others who have discussed it too. My answer was always no, but often times others would have said yes.

lollyandpepper

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Were they set up before or after you two got together? You might find it odd, but transsexuals and transvestites are a relatively common fetish for straight men. I've had many discussions with my straight male friends about whether they would sleep with one and I know of many others who have discussed it too. My answer was always no, but often times others would have said yes.

Really?! Gosh I really didn't think that, not one they openly talk about clearly! They were set up while I was pregnant I think that's what hurts the most. I think I could just about get over if it was just a fetish but how do I know that's as far as it went? I've been lied to so believing what comes out of his mouth is very hard right now.

lollyandpepper

lollyandpepper wrote: »

Really?! Gosh I really didn't think that, not one they openly talk about clearly! They were set up while I was pregnant I think that's what hurts the most. I think I could just about get over if it was just a fetish but how do I know that's as far as it went? I've been lied to so believing what comes out of his mouth is very hard right now.

Well often times these conversations were had when quite drunk. I know it probably hurt, but the fact that you didn't find any messages is kind of telling - if he kept everything secret, he wouldn't have had a reason to delete anything, so to me it means that it wouldn't have gone very far. That's my personal reasoning. It is quite a common fetish, which I personally find odd, but you can't knock what people like -shrugs-

Penny Tration

Were these sites porn and cam sites, or live chat and hook up sites? There's a very, very big difference between the two.

lollyandpepper

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

Were these sites porn and cam sites, or live chat and hook up sites? There's a very, very big difference between the two.

Well they are profiles to meet people, we talked a lot last night he assured me that it was just a fetish and had no intention to meet up with anyone. It's so hard to decide what to do as there's our baby involved too.

CaraMay

Op the reality is you will never know his intentions. I seriously doubt he would admit that he did want to meet them especially to you. You are in an awful position and my heart goes out to you. A lot of people on here will say they register on various sites just for curiosity but I just don't understand that.

Unfortunately you have to decide whether or not you can live with this. I think for the sake of the baby I would give it a go but tbh I would be keeping my eyes peeled and one more indiscretion and he would be gone.

Best of luck

homerjay2005

lollyandpepper wrote: »

Well they are profiles to meet people, we talked a lot last night he assured me that it was just a fetish and had no intention to meet up with anyone. It's so hard to decide what to do as there's our baby involved too.

a question, if it was "standard" porn, would you be as upset????? im not really sure what you meant above by profiles to meet people, i would assume that 100% of any form of online material like this now has that facility and the vast majority of people would never use it.

i think you are over reacting here....put it down to experience, forget about it and move on....

LegacyUser

Leaving aside the usual anything goes, you're over reacting mentality on boards; in real life, this situation for most women (especially with a new baby), would be a deal breaker or at least make them really want to end it. How could you go back to a normal loving, trusting, intimate relationship and sexlife. Just because the Internet now enables someone to indulge whatever weird fetish one has does not make it ok to go ahead and do so, and also more than likely being in contact with them online. How has it become so common that lies, deceit, sneaking around contacting transsexuals behind your loved ones back is an acceptable thing to do, and the woman should just not be hurt, accept all this just because some try and justify it with 'ah sure a lot of men do it'? Does anyone really understand the hurt and betrayal this causes? Even if there was no contact it's a very difficult fact to accept that your bf is into this, especially after so long together and hiding it.
Op I really feel for you and I know you have a young baby but the trust is gone..is that part of him going to seriously disappear now he's been found out? I would seriously consider breaking up with him, free yourself from the hurt he has caused you and will probably cause you again. If you really want to keep your family together I would advise counselling for both of you.

MadDog76

If women knew what the vast majority of men fantasised about and watched online when they were alone then we'd all be single ......... "No way, not my Paul" ....... yes, your Paul too!!

Op, I don't think your partner's sexual fantasies in this case warrant tearing a family apart ..........

I feel that it should be made clear that all evidence points to the fact that he didn't contact anyone on that site.

OP, has he been different to you? To your child? Has it affected your relationship previously? This is what matters, not what he's in to. If he is still a good boyfriend and father, then that's the most important thing. Focus on this.

Also how exactly is the trust gone? I most certainly wouldn't consider breaking up what could be a perfectly happy and healthy relationship over something like this.

catonthewire

Hi OP,


The World is full of men and women who secretly enjoy online porn, it's a fact of life...
For some it's a fetish , others escapism , many indulge but would never dream of using their profiles to meet others..
You mention in your post that you consider your husbands behaviour to be a form of cheating, if you honestly feel.this way then only you.can decide how to move forward...

Ask yourself this question, imagine if your husband had a fetish for women with huge breasts, he had spent the last six years admiring them in social situations without your knowledge..
Would you call this cheating?....
Honestly OP, take your time, take time out if you have to, a break.from.eachother if that's possible , before you decide what to do..

silverfeather

If you are with someone you don't use profiles to meet people. If he was doing it in the past I wouldn't care OP.

I would have no issue with what type of porn he was into or who he had relationships with in the past. But cam stuff or meeting profiles while in a monogamous relationship is a no no.

If he had dating profiles etc of that sort with anyone I would be off.

catonthewire wrote: »

Hi OP,



Ask yourself this question, imagine if your husband had a fetish for women with huge breasts, he had spent the last six years admiring them in social situations without your knowledge..
Would you call this cheating?....
Honestly OP, take your time, take time out if you have to, a break.from.eachother if that's possible , before you decide what to do..

If I had huge breasts than no.

What the OP's BF has done would be cheating to me. It would be damaging to the relationship.

And to be honest I wouldn't want some person who was so indebted to their fetish they could let it endanger their relationship with someone they have a child with. Complete lack of priorities. He could lose her and have to live separately from the kid. For what a fetish?

It's not abnormal for a woman to want her partner to have a fetish for HER.

Let him be with who he has the hots for. If he lets his relationship with the people on these profiles endanger the one with the mother of his child he has made a choice.

Watching porn is not the same as chatting on profiles with people.

And yes it's normal for a woman to want to be what her partner lusts after the most, perfectly normal. I don't think the relationship could work otherwise.

Talk to him about it. If he gives a rubbish answer as to why they are still there (which they should not be) leave.


You deserve someone you find YOU most attractive.

If it's in his past why is he still on them?

silverfeather

lollyandpepper wrote: »

They were set up while I was pregnant I think that's what hurts the most.

If it was in his past or just porn without profiles etc it would be one thing. But setting up an interactive profile on any porn site while you are pregnant is really really cold.

catonthewire

silverfeather wrote: »

If you are with someone you don't use profiles to meet people. If he was doing it in the past I wouldn't care OP.

I would have no issue with what type of porn he was into or who he had relationships with in the past. But cam stuff or meeting profiles while in a monogamous relationship is a no no.

If he had dating profiles etc of that sort with anyone I would be off.



If I had huge breasts than no.

What the OP's BF has done would be cheating to me. It would be damaging to the relationship.

And to be honest I wouldn't want some person who was so indebted to their fetish they could let it endanger their relationship with someone they have a child with. Complete lack of priorities. He could lose her and have to live separately from the kid. For what a fetish?

It's not abnormal for a woman to want her partner to have a fetish for HER.

Let him be with who he has the hots for. If he lets his relationship with the people on these profiles endanger the one with the mother of his child he has made a choice.

Watching porn is not the same as chatting on profiles with people.

And yes it's normal for a woman to want to be what her partner lusts after the most, perfectly normal. I don't think the relationship could work otherwise.

Talk to him about it. If he gives a rubbish answer as to why they are still there (which they should not be) leave.


You deserve someone you find YOU most attractive.

If it's in his past why is he still on them?

Yes , I agree if her partner was actively meeting anyone on these sites, then yes he has been cheating...
However , the OP stated in her first post there is no evidence of any online conversations, no activity to suggest he was meeting anyone...
Hence my comment about the big breasts, huge numbers of people have fetishes,go online to LOOK, never actualy intending to take it further....
He could even be addicted to these sites, and is ashamed to admit this to his partner...


As I said in my first post, only she can decide , I feel a break would give her a chance to think more clearly...
He MUST decide what is more important, his family or his fetish....
If they do want to make a fresh start, then counselling is an option, it's obvious she is devastated, but perhaps all is not lost....

Saralee4

I would have always thought that I was quite liberal about this kind of issue and I have even given advice like some of the other posters in this thread about porn and interactive sites being the norm now and no big deal however I can see and see that this is causing a lot of issues for couples.

There does seem to be this idea that if something is online, it is not real. But it is. He is interacting even if he didn't have conversations (which op does not know for certain), he has made his presence known and he is showing himself as available.

With porn and interactive sex and dating sites, the lines are blurry. I think people are starting to mix up fantasy with reality in terms of online. I am constantly seeing people tell other people 'ah its only porn', 'ah sure he was just curious, that's how it is now, your overreacting', basically displacing and projecting the issue onto the other party. I have even thought like this myself. However it seems to me that your boyfriend is in between fantasy and reality here. When other people are involved and your bf has advertised himself as available then this is real. Now you are effected and hurt by his 'fantasy' and your feelings and emotions are very real too op.

Im not sure what advice to give you though op. Trust is very important in an intimate relationship and your boyfriends so called curiosity is having a negative impact on your relationship and probably your own self esteem.