Strong desire to change my first name legally?

TheEdgeofGlory

I'm over 16 years old (17 in September) and I happen to have one of if not the most common names amongst my age group. Growing up I've never had a deep rooted connection to my name as I've always viewed it as rather bland. I've also undergone several challenging and extremely tough situations related to bullying, issues at school/socially and battles with my mental health due to external factors and family issues( not to an extreme degree but enough to have a serious impact on my life).

My name for me carries a huge burden of self hatred , anxiety and discomfort. I'm aware that a name shouldn't 'define you' and that changing my name isn't going to necessarily rectify any of my inner feelings or issues but it's something that's remained at the back of my mind for quite some time.

I'm conscious of the fact that my parents should come into the equation and that they're likely not to approve given that I'm still a teenager and they named me personally but I'd like to point out that I'm regarded as mature and responsible relative to my age. They are fairly liberal as far as parents go. The name I prefer happens to be my confirmation name and I've been using it as a second first name on Facebook for nearly four years, although no one refers to me as it in person.

I'm sick of having to be called by my second name in school and other formal/social situations in order to be identified and am weary of it in general. School hasn't been the best of experiences for me mentally, emotionally or socially and I feel as though I will relish having a new identify in college.

I am wary of drawing attention to myself in school especially with teachers and peers as I have a 'history' let's just say (nothing terribly atrocious just endurance of very tough and isolating situations , internal conflict and upheaval.) I'm just not sure how it would be received to be perfectly honest.

This is not a whimsical idea but I've never openly discussed it with my parents and am unsure of how to approach it. In essence I know that changing my name in college would be the better option( but I'll be 18 throughout 6th year and legally an adult. I'm familiar with the deed poll process but I'd really appreciate any thoughts or opinions on the whole matter. As a side note I've a cousin who changed both her first and second name, but it was a very random decision in her case as she's studying psychology and picked it out during a group therapy session apparently.

CaraMay

Would you just start using your middle name?

R.D. aka MR.D

I hope that I'm not out of line with this post but my first thought is to why you would want to bring all that attention on yourself, now?

I can't see how it would lessen any anxiety if you change it and start asking everyone to call you it. It's been well over 10 years since I went to an all girls secondary school and I'm sure the teenagers these days might be a bit more nuanced but I can only see it being met with rolled eyes and maybe even ridicule.

Even situations as simple as the teacher having to remember a new name and then maybe they slip up and call you by your old name and then you have to correct them and so on and so forth.

Are you getting any help at all to deal with the bullying etc? Someone professional that you can talk to?

LegacyUser

Is it just in school that you are called by your middle name or does everybody call you by your middle name?
I work with two people who everybody addresses by their middle name, one of them got their name changed by deed poll to the second name as it was just getting too confusing. He was baptised by one name and then for whatever reason maybe his family had a change of mind they started calling him by his second name. It was only after he left school he decided to change it. The other person I work with every body calls her by her second name but all post email is addressed to her first name.

LegacyUser

From experience people call me by my nickname which is a shortened version of name actual name on my birth cert. As I've gotten older im actually growing more fond of my full name, I'm also getting married next year and my full name sounds better with my Fiancés (soon to be mine) surname. I'm gradually using my full name more, when I meet people and fill out applications etc.

If I were you and I liked my middle name, from now on use that and when joining college etc introduce yourself as that rather than having to do it legally, I know a few people that go by their middle names!

Your decision seems very well thought out and although it may not be a big issue to others, clearly it is to you. Go with what makes you feel happy! Have a word with family about using your Middle name. You don't need to explain why. Close family will probably always call you by your original name even if you did legally change it, if anything out of habit. I wish you all the best whatever your decision!

kylith

Just ask your friends and family to call you by your Confirmation name, you can cite the fact that your first name is very common if they ask why. I don't know if it'd be a bit much hassle to expect your teachers to do this so you may have to just accept it for the last couple of years in school, but it may be worthwhile just saying to them 'since there are so many Toms (or whatever) in the year would it be easier for you to call me 'Jason''?

It's not that unusual to be called by a middle name, two members of my family are called by their middle names because they were named after parents and it saves confusion. It's not unusual to be called by a surname either, many many people I know, including myself, are known among friends as Surname-y, so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

ElizaBennett

Hi op, if I was your parent I'd support you fully in the efforts to change your name, whether legally or just informally as you're the one who has to live with the name. My own son wanted to change his surname. Admittedly it took me a couple of days to get my head round the idea - he was 17 at the time - but I realised it's his life and my own conceit should have nothing to do with it.
I also have a close friend who changed his first name and it really didn't take long at all for his friends to get used to the new name - which was a completely random name and not a middle or nickname he already had. We just made the effort to respect him and worked hard at using the new name till it became second nature.
I think you have to decide if you're willing or able to wait till it would be easier - ie starting college and meeting new people or if it's important enough for you to make the change now. I don't see why not if it's bothering you that much. Don't worry about your parents or anyone else. It's your life. Yes they will have to get involved with the deed poll as you're still a minor but you could at least start the ball rolling by telling everyone you know to use your new name. It could end up being surprisingly easy:) Just be very determined and keep reminding anyone who mistakenly calls you by your old name.

Best of luck op. I think this could be a really positive step for you and might help you turn the corner with your life. It's symbolic of change and taking charge and regaining control. My opinion anyway:)

Addle

You're probably nearly finished school OP.
I know a couple of people who started using a different name in college.
Maybe you can do that?
Changing your name won't make anyone forget the past.

scrimshanker

Changing your name legally could have all sorts of problems at your age. Depending on when you change it, there are questions such as what name goes on your leaving certificate? On your CAO form? On your college degree? What about when you're applying for jobs and you apply using your new name and it doesn't match the name on your qualifications?

I know lots of people who go by a name other than their legal name. Lots of them. But for legal purposes it's often simpler and more straight forward to keep your name legally the same. If you do change it, do it before you start acquiring things like leaving certs and degrees. Save you a lot of explaining to HR people!

wylo

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear your frustrations.

I just want to express my honest opinion. Changing your name wont do anything good for you. Growing up and being happy in yourself will though.

The great thing about college is that it is definitely a step up from school, you choose your friends, you are given more responsibility and freedom and you are treated 100 times more like an adult. However all of this requires effort, make sure to join the available clubs and just generally put in the effort when people are being nice to you. I have seen very shy or unsocial people really come out of their shell in college.

Your new identity doesnt have to have anything to do with your name.

I can tell you now, changing your name will not solve any of the above. If you were totally happy with yourself in college you wont give a damn about your name. In fact if you DO change it and then you have friends and you are relatively happy in college you may even begin to regret it, and even moreso regret the fact that you have to keep this secret from your friends (well you dont have to but telling them defeats the purpose of it yea?)

My recommendation would be go to college, let a year or two go by, put in the effort, and if at 18/19 this issue is still not going away, THEN give it serious consideration.

rainbowtrout

scrimshanker wrote: »

Changing your name legally could have all sorts of problems at your age. Depending on when you change it, there are questions such as what name goes on your leaving certificate? On your CAO form? On your college degree? What about when you're applying for jobs and you apply using your new name and it doesn't match the name on your qualifications?

I know lots of people who go by a name other than their legal name. Lots of them. But for legal purposes it's often simpler and more straight forward to keep your name legally the same. If you do change it, do it before you start acquiring things like leaving certs and degrees. Save you a lot of explaining to HR people!

None of that is true. If the OP changes his name by deed poll, then he has a new name legally. He only has to go into school and tell them his new name and they'll update it on the system. The systems used by schools are linked to Dept of Ed. That's the name that will go on his Leaving Cert. He will be applying to the CAO himself so whatever name he puts on the CAO is the name that would be forwarded to his chosen college. None of it is a big deal.

Many women have a different name on their college degree which they change when they get married and they manage to get jobs without hassle.

You seem to have this well thought out OP. Maybe have a chat with your parents about it. If you are certain you want to do it, maybe get them and your close friends to start calling you by your new name over the summer. Change it on Facebook or whatever social media you are on from 'John David Murphy' to 'David Murphy' and if anyone asks just say I've decided to start going by my middle name. If you are happy with the change at the end of the summer change it by deed poll, if your parents are in agreement, and then inform your school at the start of the new school year.

I'm a teacher and while we don't usually see students changing their first name, change of surnames is common enough, with parents getting married, separated, divorced, re-married. Also we get updated with these changes, along with when new first year start with information such as 'Mary Anne Kelly is in 1A, she goes by the name of Aine'. It's not a big deal.

FizzleSticks

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Chloris

Change your name on Facebook. I'm serious. I changed it to a nickname last year and EVERYONE who knows me calls me that now! I really like it, didn't expect them to do that but I'm happy they do.

I obviously don't want to be called by my nickname in work so I still go by my birth cert name, but a lot of my colleagues will call me by my short version of my name.

What's in a name?! A rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet. My final advice would be to try and avoid doing it legally. There isn't really any advantage to it and your only option if you decide to change again is to go the legal route. If you just tell the important people, they'll start calling you it and it'll catch on.

miezekatze

I grew up in a small village and there was a boy a few years younger than me who had a ridiculous first name. The poor guy was always getting teased about it. He changed it with his mother's consent when he was around your age and it caught on really quickly. That was before Facebook etc as well. I'd say talk to your parents about it and just get it done. People might talk about it for a bit and then just get used to your new name.

wingnut

miezekatze wrote: »

I grew up in a small village and there was a boy a few years younger than me who had a ridiculous first name.

Gaylord Focker?

Seriously on the middle name thing - both my parents and my sister have always gone by their middle name.

It can be confusing occasionally (on the phone to insurance etc) but nothing major.

blatantrereg

Any documents that are issued to you with your old name will remain in your old name. You will need to provide the deed poll along with the documents to show they pertain to you. If you change your name before you earn qualifications then those qualifications will be in your new name and remove this requirement.

If people give you a hard time now I think you are correct in thinking they might delight in you changing your name as a source of derision. If you wanted to change it in order to get your leaving cert issued to you in your new name then perhaps you could do so and simply not tell them. However a deed poll involves a declaration that you are giving up using your original name. Can't really imagine someone getting into any trouble for continuing to use it in some contexts for non-criminal/deceptive purposes - but I don't actually know.

I had notions of some new identity when I went to college too. Personally I didn't suddenly morph into a different person overnight just because I was in a different situation. Real change is possible but it is an internal gradual process, not something that will occur automatically as a result of external changes.