Would you tell!?!?

This is so complicated

So here goes was in a relationship for over a year I was late 20s he was early thirties we got on brilliant I let him into my child's life he lived over an hour away but we made it work I was in love he was in love. We were going to move Down to where he was from and we were going to get a mortgage.

Out of the blue I receive a facebook message from a girl who tells me she's very sorry but my by has been sending her flirty messages and she doesn't even know him but shed been cheated on in the past and felt I should know.

That night for the first time ever I went through his phone. I'd trusted him completely never even crossed my mind he'd do this...and my world collapsed he was fb messaging that girl and 2 others...I thought it couldn't get any worse but in his emails he was answering personal ads to gay men how I kept my cool I don't know but then the final straw he had messages from escorts with times and dates one was while we were together. ..and when I looked her up on the escort website...she was transgender!!! My world crashed Down I had been drinking so I lay beside him silently crying I actually felt my heart break.

Next morning I got up and lleft leaving the phone open on the escort messages. It took me a week to talk to him..he tried to tell me it was all a joke he'd never mer the escort and answering the gay messages he did out of curiosity but ever followed through...I felt sorry for him I didn't know what to believe but I promised him his secret was safe with me.

Everyone was shocked at the break up his family my family everyone and I just blamed it on the distance I found out after he told a few people I went crazy!!! I didn't retaliate I was too broken.

I didn't blame him I felt sorry for him I ended up on prozac and in counselling couldn't cope with the betrayal had to get an std test..didn't trust anyone refused to go on dates. When I did eventually go on dates I'd reject them on the first date.

I then meet someone amazing and he gets me he sees I put up a wall and he is amazing and for the first time since my ex I let someone in and I'm truly happy slowly weaned myself off the prozac still in counselling but not weekly...life is amazing I smile I laugh and I can honestly say I trust him.

And here's the dilemma my ex is seeing someone new she's no more than 23 and a single mother she's a pretty girl with her whole life ahead of her and I imagine her following in my footsteps.shes introduced her son to him...that was a huge pain for me I let someone into my shills life that wasn't staying I felt like a failure for that.

That girls message saved me more than she'll ever know...but I promised my ex his secret is safe with me...do I let his girlfriend find out by herself!?!?! I have only told 3 people his secret and one of those is my counsellor.

I can honestly say I wish him no ill he has some fantastic qualities but if he is gay he'll never come out as his family wouldn't accept it.

Thanks for taking the time to read and please go easy on me this was one of the worst times in my life.

Dunford

he lies, cheats and destroys ppls lives. is he worth protecting?

then again, how often will you have to this.... again and again?

you also need to distance yourself from him and forget him.

strandroad

It's a hard one. I don't think you should tell. He should not be your concern anymore, and even if he treated you badly he may treat her well. You don't know if he's gay either, if he's with women he might be bisexual who decides to live straight. There is no way you can warn all his future partners of his hypothetical preferences and I think you should drop it.

If she found you to ask about some doubts of hers, you could tell her then.

zeffabelli

I would err on the conservative side here and not tell her.

The reason I say this is people do change and maybe he has learned something from the mistakes he has made with you.

It's also up to him to be able to diclose his past as he learns to trust her and vice versa. This is deeply personal and you don't know where they are at in the relationship or how trust worthy she is.

There is too much uncertainty to disclose so much personal information.

I have also been treated very badly but have been no angel myself either, (though not to the levels of deception you are talking about here mind you) but I don't always think its fair to prejudice people who are in new contexts.

The only caveat to that, would be if he had put your child in danger, and danger of a very sinister kind, because she does have a child to protect.

blatantrereg

Telling her would certainly be a bad idea. Won't accomplish anything. You'll just get cast as a psycho ex and it will cause you distress. Also your ex's behaviour now is absolutely not your problem. Entirely different context to the woman who sent you the warning message.

Big Bag of Chips

You only know what he did during his time in a relationship with you. You have no idea how he's behaving now, or if he is still messaging people. So how do you tell her? What do you tell her? He already told people you went a bit nuts. So, you tell her, she asks him, and he asks his friends to reassure her of why you broke up.

You found out, if he is still carrying on she will find out too. It's not your job to tell every girl he ever goes out with. Who told you he's with someone else? Whoever did, tell them you'd rather not be kept up to date with his comings and goings. You wish him no ill, but you have no desire to hear about him either.

You're in counselling to get over him, for goodness sake! You need to look after yourself, and others should respect that.

jopax

That is certainly a tough one to call.
On one hand you should really mind your own business, yet I can certainly understand your concern.
I would feel for the young mother, & I must admit I would be very tempted to tell.
Just curious as to why you swore you wouldn't tell anyone, he done you wrong so you didn't owe him any favours.
If you didn't end up bringing a heap of hassle on yourself I would tell.
At least if she knew it would be up to her to choose or at least be wary.

This is so complicated

Thanks for your replies if it was a case of cheating with another woman I would walk away but it's the fact that it's transgender and other men the transgender were all pre op which means they still have their penis. I know he was visiting the transgender escort from before we were together and he told the fetishism started when he went to Thailand 2 years before our relationship.

As for sounding psychotic I actually have evidence so he couldn't deny it all.

It's the fact that if he is a closeted gay man I would never have found out if that girl hadn't contacted me and I'm forever grateful to her for that

shaymus27

You have to consider how it would pan out for you if you told her, in respect of how he would react to you - would he give you lots of grief? Would you be able to cope? You do have to consider what might happen.

Having said that;

Why should you help a young, single mother who might be a bit vulnerable trying to raise a child ? After all no-one helped you.

Oh wait, they did. That's how you found out.

Getting you to keep "his secret" was a nice piece of manipulation on you. Glad it didn't work on his ex as you wouldn't have found out otherwise.

blatantrereg

This is so complicated wrote: »

Thanks for your replies if it was a case of cheating with another woman I would walk away but it's the fact that it's transgender and other men the transgender were all pre op which means they still have their penis. I know he was visiting the transgender escort from before we were together and he told the fetishism started when he went to Thailand 2 years before our relationship.

As for sounding psychotic I actually have evidence so he couldn't deny it all.

It's the fact that if he is a closeted gay man I would never have found out if that girl hadn't contacted me and I'm forever grateful to her for that

Focusing on entirely the wrong thing and starting to sound vindictive rather than concerned tbh. Homosexual tendencies would only invalidate a relationship with a woman if he was exclusively interested in men. That certainly doesn't seem to be the case.

Why are you keeping "evidence" on him? That's messed up.

This is so complicated

blatantrereg wrote: »

Focusing on entirely the wrong thing and starting to sound vindictive rather than concerned tbh. Homosexual tendencies would only invalidate a relationship with a woman if he was exclusively interested in men. That certainly doesn't seem to be the case.

Why are you keeping "evidence" on him? That's messed up.

What I meant by that is that if it was a case that he cheated on me with women I wouldn't even dream of telling her because he may have just been that way with me but It was also with men and transgender women which he'd been doing for over 3 years and I feel that's the secret I'm keeping not that he's a cheater!!

And I have the same phone and I never delete messages so that's how I have evidence not that I am actually keeping evidence against him

His personality is the real issue here.
It doesn't matter if he cheats with a penis, a vagina or both!
I don't understand the transgender reference here like as if it makes cheating worse in some way!

implausible

You have been through a lot to get over him. By involving yourself in the relationship he is in now, you could stop that process in its tracks and potentially jeopardise your own current relationship.

It may not feel like the right thing to do, but you don't know how is now and realistically, you cannot warn every girlfriend he has in the future. If, as another poster said, she comes to you and asks straight out, then you could tell, but for your own sanity, you need to step away and close that door and make sure that he is in the past - that means no facebook stalking to find out about his life, deleting those messages and moving on.

LegacyUser

I'm going to go against the grain here. I'd tell her, anonymously. Of course, he'll probably figure out who told her, but I'd at least be careful and not leave any direct trail to yourself. Set up a new e-mail account or a dummy FB profile and message her, not from your own computer.

I keep imagining how I'd feel if I was this girl and I discovered this when I was possibly married to him or otherwise tied to him, financially or emotionally. The fact that his ex messaged you to tell you meant that he hadn't changed when he broke up with HER, why would he have changed when he broke up with YOU?

And OF COURSE it matters that he was cheating with transgender escorts or flirting/cheating with gay men...it adds an extra layer to the whole lie. Not only was he being unfaithful, he was lying (or lying by omission) by failing to tell the OP about his interest in other men. Let's not all jump on the PC bandwagon by pretending this fact shouldn't matter. I would be fcucking DEVASTATED if I found out (by whatever means) that my partner was having sex with other men, probably even more so than if he was cheating with other women. It would just raise so many more questions in my mind as to why he cheated, not to mention make me question myself even more than I would if he had cheated with another woman. That's not homophobic, that's just plain old human emotion.

Formulate a concise message, don't call him names or anything, just set out the facts and send it to her. Then at least she is aware of the issues and the ball is in her court.

blatantrereg

Why do you find homosexual cheating worse than heterosexual cheating?

I'd be more bothered by a woman cheating with a man than with a woman.

shaymus27

goinganon2answerthis wrote: »

I'm going to go against the grain here. I'd tell her, anonymously. Of course, he'll probably figure out who told her, but I'd at least be careful and not leave any direct trail to yourself. Set up a new e-mail account or a dummy FB profile and message her, not from your own computer.

I keep imagining how I'd feel if I was this girl and I discovered this when I was possibly married to him or otherwise tied to him, financially or emotionally. The fact that his ex messaged you to tell you meant that he hadn't changed when he broke up with HER, why would he have changed when he broke up with YOU?

And OF COURSE it matters that he was cheating with transgender escorts or flirting/cheating with gay men...it adds an extra layer to the whole lie. Not only was he being unfaithful, he was lying (or lying by omission) by failing to tell the OP about his interest in other men. Let's not all jump on the PC bandwagon by pretending this fact shouldn't matter. I would be fcucking DEVASTATED if I found out (by whatever means) that my partner was having sex with other men, probably even more so than if he was cheating with other women. It would just raise so many more questions in my mind as to why he cheated, not to mention make me question myself even more than I would if he had cheated with another woman. That's not homophobic, that's just plain old human emotion.

Formulate a concise message, don't call him names or anything, just set out the facts and send it to her. Then at least she is aware of the issues and the ball is in her court.

Halleluhiah !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Suppose the original ex had posted on Boards - I know this guy...the advice from the above Boards people would have been don't say anything. Which means the OP here would be getting shafted instead of the young single mother. She would still be blissfully unaware and possibly might go on to waste time and emotional energy on a relationship that she would not want to be in if she knew what the guy was actually like.

There was a book and film out a few years ago - "Pass it on", I think it was called. Looks like most of the advice here is "Don't pass it on - look out for no.1 even though someone passed it on to you".

The OP has to consider how things might affect her but I find it hard to understand the lack of empathy for the single mother and the lack of understanding of the irony of telling someone who was told something to help her by someone, being advised not to do the same for someone else.

If the OP is too emotionally fraught at this point to tell the other woman then that is a valid reason not to say anything. Doing the right thing isn't always possible if you are not mentally up to doing it. Just seems wrong.

zeffabelli

blatantrereg wrote: »

Why do you find homosexual cheating worse than heterosexual cheating?

I'd be more bother by a woman cheating with a man than with a woman.

I read it as another layer to the deception not that one is worse than the other.

blatantrereg

shaymus27 wrote: »

Halleluhiah !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Suppose the original ex had posted on Boards - I know this guy...the advice from the above Boards people would have been don't say anything. Which means the OP here would be getting shafted instead of the young single mother. She would still be blissfully unaware and possibly might go on to waste time and emotional energy on a relationship that she would not want to be in if she knew what the guy was actually like.

There was a book and film out a few years ago - "Pass it on", I think it was called. Looks like most of the advice here is "Don't pass it on - look out for no.1 even though someone passed it on to you".

The OP has to consider how things might affect her but I find it hard to understand the lack of empathy for the single mother and the lack of understanding of the irony of telling someone who was told something to help her by someone, being advised not to do the same for someone else.

If the OP is too emotionally fraught at this point to tell the other woman then that is a valid reason not to say anything. Doing the right thing isn't always possible if you are not mentally up to doing it. Just seems wrong.

It wasn't a previous ex who assumed he hadn't changed his ways that contacted her. It was a woman whom he was messaging. It's a different context altogether and I think it was a decent thing to do.

shaymus27

blatantrereg wrote: »

It wasn't a previous ex who assumed he hadn't changed his ways that contacted her. It was a woman whom he was messaging. It's a different context altogether and I think it was a decent thing to do.

I stand corrected - it was a woman he was messaging, not an ex. I don't think this makes any difference. In fact someone with little or no connection to the man could be forgiven for not bothering to let the OP know so fair play to her for bothering.

I fully agree with you - It was an extremely decent thing to do. That is blatantly clear in my post.

Ice Storm

So if you do tell her, what next? When he hooks ups with the next girl, will you be there again to warn her off?

The girl who contacted you had a good reason to - he was flirting with her at the same time he was seeing you. You have no evidence that this is happening again. And you don't know that he is gay. It was a girl he was flirting with when he was with you.. maybe he is bi?

You said you live an hour apart so how do you know that he is seeing someone new? My advice would be to cut ties completely - delete him from facebook if you haven't already and hide any mutual friends. You don't need to know what he's doing with his life - it't not healthy for you.

You've been through a tough time and I completely understand why you feel a responsibility towards this girl. But I think if you contact her, you will be painted as the crazy ex. My advice would be to let this one go and move on completely.

LegacyUser

Ice Storm wrote: »

So if you do tell her, what next? When he hooks ups with the next girl, will you be there again to warn her off?

The girl who contacted you had a good reason to - he was flirting with her at the same time he was seeing you. You have no evidence that this is happening again. And you don't know that he is gay. It was a girl he was flirting with when he was with you.. maybe he is bi?

You said you live an hour apart so how do you know that he is seeing someone new? My advice would be to cut ties completely - delete him from facebook if you haven't already and hide any mutual friends. You don't need to know what he's doing with his life. Let it go.

+ 1 When do you stop OP? As Ice Storm says the girl who contacted you did so because he was flirting with her. You want to contact this girl because of what he did to you. You don't know if he has changed or if he is still doing the same, or if he's even told her everything. You don't know anything about their relationship. You think because your so grateful to the girl messaging you that this new girl is going to see you in the same light but it's highly likely she's not. You can claim you want to do this because you think your saving her from him but it's not really.

Move on with your life OP.

LegacyUser

^^ you're right, she wasn't an ex, I missed that bit...but she still did the right thing. The point is he was sending flirty messages to another woman when he was with the OP (and given what she found out later, he would probably have cheated on her with this woman as well given the chance). His new girlfriend deserves to know about his tendency to cheat as well as his sexual preferences or she may be in for a world of hurt like the OP. I keep thinking "if I was in that situation, would I want to know?" and the answer is "yes". Life is hard enough without being forced into living a lie with someone, even unknowingly. It can only end in misery for all parties involved when the truth (or even rumours) eventually surfaces.

shaymus27

blatantrereg wrote: »

Why do you find homosexual cheating worse than heterosexual cheating?

I'd be more bothered by a woman cheating with a man than with a woman.

I'd be more bothered by a woman cheating with a man than a woman. In fact there are probably a lot of men who wouldn't mind that much if a woman cheated with a woman. It might actually fascinate them.

However, the OP is a woman, and though I am male, I would imagine it would be a bit more sickening for a woman to think of a man cheating on her with another man, rather than a woman. It's also the escort thing, it all seems a bit sleazy.

Dee01

Hi OP, I'm really sorry that you went through such a horrible time and it affected you so badly for so long. I'm glad you're on the mend and beginning to trust someone again.

If I had been through what you have been through with this guy, I would have deleted every trace of this person from my life. I would have blocked his number and his Facebook/Twitter etc. to remove him completely from my life. I don't believe you knowing about his personal life long after the end of your relationship is helping you. You are now back living what happened years ago and you feel a responsibility for someone else and your ex.

I think from your posts that you are going to tell this woman what you know and that's fine as I know you feel responsible for her, but if I was in your situation, I would do what I had to do in this particular situation and then cut all interaction with this guy and move on with your life and your new partner.

Best of luck OP, it's a tough one.

silverfeather

Then don't tell. It makes no difference who you sleep with and what your orientation is to me. I have had a BF who was bi.

I would move on and cut him out.

He can't be monogamous that much is clear. If you are not simply going to say 'he can't keep it in his pants' and leave it at that then say nothing.

Listen you HAVE to think of the bigger picture here. I don't agree with prostitution at all but if that girl let it slip he could face prosecution etc.

whatever you do DON'T OUT HIM. OR THE PEOPLE HE WAS INVOLVED WITH.

Tell her he can't be monogamous if you say anything. But say nothing else. I am really sorry he put you through that. He had no right he is obviously cold hearted and fake.

Personally I don't see sex with trans people or gay sex as anything but natural. Cheating is sleaze.

You just can't out him or the rest of those people you can't. I wouldn't anyway. If you tell her anything tell her is promiscuous beyond belief and can't be faithful.

Personally I would just be glad he is out of your life and move on though. He is a horrible person and twisted. It does not matter who he sleeps with. It's the fact that he can never be trusted ever.

I agree with the above poster I would have cut him out and left it. I have an abusive ex that I completely cut out. People sometimes think what about the next girl etc? I had to cut him out to save myself.
If you tell her ...you will get dragged back into this life. Think about that.

Whatever he has done. Outing and all the people he was involved with is not right. He is a cheater and has hurt you and probably others. He has to live with that. You don't bear the responsibility for what he does in the future. HE DOES. It's his fault not yours. Be glad he is out of your life. Pansexual or bi does not mean cheating. This is his fault not yours.


I wouldn't out him. He is possibly very conflicted about his sexuality. But I would not out him. Too dangerous. Be the better person. I would move on personally.

catonthewire

I can fully understand your feeling that you are in someway preventing another woman getting hurt OP, but this man is no longer in YOUR life, you have obviously been totally devastated by the past, however you moved on and are happy...


Did it cross your mind that he may already have spoken to this new woman and made her aware that he met escorts ect ( I won't dwell on their sexuality as the issue was cheating ) and he is trying to start afresh like yourself?...
What evidence do you have to show her that he still meets escorts ect?....
Will you spend the rest of your life contacting women to make them aware of the past?...
I doubt it very much, you can't control who he meets, how he lives his life ...


Be grateful you have moved on, concentrate on your own obviously happy relationship and leave this guy in the past..

catonthewire

shaymus27 wrote: »

Halleluhiah !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Suppose the original ex had posted on Boards - I know this guy...the advice from the above Boards people would have been don't say anything. Which means the OP here would be getting shafted instead of the young single mother. She would still be blissfully unaware and possibly might go on to waste time and emotional energy on a relationship that she would not want to be in if she knew what the guy was actually like.

There was a book and film out a few years ago - "Pass it on", I think it was called. Looks like most of the advice here is "Don't pass it on - look out for no.1 even though someone passed it on to you".

The OP has to consider how things might affect her but I find it hard to understand the lack of empathy for the single mother and the lack of understanding of the irony of telling someone who was told something to help her by someone, being advised not to do the same for someone else.

If the OP is too emotionally fraught at this point to tell the other woman then that is a valid reason not to say anything. Doing the right thing isn't always possible if you are not mentally up to doing it. Just seems wrong.

My ex partner cheated on me before we parted, he was actualy in a long-term relationship with the woman involved....
At the time I was devastated, but, put it behind me with the help of my family and friends...
At no stage in my life did it ever cross my.mind to contact any woman he later met, it had nothing to do with lack of empathy for any other woman!...
Rather it was none of MY business who he dated or how he behaved during his time with them....
You talk about doing the right thing?, assuming that not to tell is a bad reflection on those who don't and their lack of respect for other women....
Doing the right thing, involves moving on, seeking out a partner who respects you enough not to cheat....
Not dwelling on the past, getting involved in messy situations that only serve to open old wounds!!...

mapaca

You need to forget about him and move on. For all you know he may have been completely honest with this new girlfriend about his past behaviour and his sexuality and she might be fine with it all.

Also, I don't necessarily think that someone who has cheated on one partner will definitely cheat on their next partner. Certainly he sounds like he might, but then again for all you know he might be completely faithful to this girl.

In any case, no good can come from contacting her. His life is none of your business any more. You have a lovely new relationship, focus on that and your own happiness. Best of luck.

shaymus27

catonthewire wrote: »

My ex partner cheated on me before we parted, he was actualy in a long-term relationship with the woman involved....
At the time I was devastated, but, put it behind me with the help of my family and friends...
At no stage in my life did it ever cross my.mind to contact any woman he later met, it had nothing to do with lack of empathy for any other woman!...
Rather it was none of MY business who he dated or how he behaved during his time with them....
You talk about doing the right thing?, assuming that not to tell is a bad reflection on those who don't and their lack of respect for other women....
Doing the right thing, involves moving on, seeking out a partner who respects you enough not to cheat....
Not dwelling on the past, getting involved in messy situations that only serve to open old wounds!!...

Sorry to hear about how you were mistreated.

However, if you weren't aware of what was going on and were happy living in ignorant bliss, wouldn't you appreciate it if someone told you? Wouldn't you be glad you didn't waste more of your time on your ex?

Next time I see a stranger needing help I think I'll remember the advice given here. Mind my own business and help no-one. Think of myself and move on. I can't help everyone, right?

catonthewire

shaymus27 wrote: »

Sorry to hear about how you were mistreated.

However, if you weren't aware of what was going on and were happy living in ignorant bliss, wouldn't you appreciate it if someone told you? Wouldn't you be glad you didn't waste more of your time on your ex?

Next time I see a stranger needing help I think I'll remember the advice given here. Mind my own business and help no-one. Think of myself and move on. I can't help everyone, right?

It's not about being selfish or minding your own business, it's about doing what is right to keep the past in the past....
Some of my family and friends told me after my ex and I parted they knew , at first I was shocked and angry, but, eventually realised this would only have piled more hurt on me....
My concern here is for the OP, she has sought help and obviously adores her new life with her partner....
If she gets involved in messy situations with anyone he is now with, she's dragged right back to having to deal with HIM and the HURT he caused HER...
Where does it end?....
The new woman ends their relationship, he moves on, does the OP tell the next woman?...
A never-ending cycle of dealing with his issues.....

catonthewire

catonthewire wrote: »

My concern here is for the OP, she has sought
Where does it end?....
The new woman ends their relationship, he moves on, does the OP tell the next woman?...
A never-ending cycle of dealing with his issues.....

That would definitely be my concern too. The OP could be seen as the crazy ex, and if she were to do this with every woman he sees in future, that's possible harassment. Could end up getting the police involved.

shaymus27

catonthewire wrote: »

Some of my family and friends told me after my ex and I parted they knew , at first I was shocked and angry, but, eventually realised this would only have piled more hurt on me....


Really? If I was being cheated on and people knew and didn't tell me, they wouldn't be in my life any longer.

I wouldn't react to people telling me things by not believing them, I would appreciate that people wouldn't say such a thing unless they truly believed it. Any one I know knows I am a rational person who wouldn't bury my head in the sand and have a go at them trying to help me.

How long did people know this and not tell you? Could you have gone on for years with your ex with other people knowing and not telling you?

How could telling you have piled more hurt on you? Telling you the truth and offering their love and support would have helped you not piled on more hurt on you.

This isn't about you. It's about concern for others. Not just the OP but everyone. Including a young single mother who might be vulnerable trying to bring up a child by herself.

Hope you are never stuck for something and wanting help from people who think it best to look after themselves and not get involved in anything as they have problems of their own. Who doesn't ????

catonthewire

shaymus27 wrote: »

catonthewire wrote: »

Some of my family and friends told me after my ex and I parted they knew , at first I was shocked and angry, but, eventually realised this would only have piled more hurt on me....


Really? If I was being cheated on and people knew and didn't tell me, they wouldn't be in my life any longer.

I wouldn't react to people telling me things by not believing them, I would appreciate that people wouldn't say such a thing unless they truly believed it. Any one I know knows I am a rational person who wouldn't bury my head in the sand and have a go at them trying to help me.

How long did people know this and not tell you? Could you have gone on for years with your ex with other people knowing and not telling you?

How could telling you have piled more hurt on you? Telling you the truth and offering their love and support would have helped you not piled on more hurt on you.

This isn't about you. It's about concern for others. Not just the OP but everyone. Including a young single mother who might be vulnerable trying to bring up a child by herself.

Hope you are never stuck for something and wanting help from people who think it best to look after themselves and not get involved in anything as they have problems of their own. Who doesn't ????

Firstly , I didn't give my advice based on any notion that it was about me..
How long they knew has no bearing on my advice to the OP nor does the fact I was cheated on...
I used my situation to show the OP that people cheat, some are serial cheaters and getting involved in their lives after you split is neither healthy or beneficial...
I didn't hone in on the fact her ex was meeting members of an escort agency or judge either him or them on their sexuality...
I saw him for what he is, A SERIAL CHEATER, though he may as I stated have decided to make a fresh start with his new partner...

If the OP chooses to go down the road of contacting this woman, then as I rightly pointed out it will have an effect on her, it WON'T stop him cheating in the future...

Your opinion of me also has no bearing on the subject, so I won't address it...

This is so complicated

Back again thank you so much for all you input. I think the reason I haven't told her is it upsets me to out someone's sexuality I feel no one has the right to do that. So its an a huge conflict for me as I genuinely see this n mother and feel I'm an accomplice to his deceit

His cheating for me isn't the issue...It's his sexual preferences which he has no control over that bothers me. If he is bisexual she has the right to know and make the decision wether to be in a relationship with him or not.

And yes I do consider the cheating with men and transgender women worse as I feel like he used me as a cover for his secret lifestyle. He knew I was not able to fulfill his needs in the relationship and yet he still continued it

shaymus27

catonthewire wrote: »

shaymus27 wrote: »

Firstly , I didn't give my advice based on any notion that it was about me..
How long they knew has no bearing on my advice to the OP nor does the fact I was cheated on...
I used my situation to show the OP that people cheat, some are serial cheaters and getting involved in their lives after you split is neither healthy or beneficial...
I didn't hone in on the fact her ex was meeting members of an escort agency or judge either him or them on their sexuality...
I saw him for what he is, A SERIAL CHEATER, though he may as I stated have decided to make a fresh start with his new partner...

If the OP chooses to go down the road of contacting this woman, then as I rightly pointed out it will have an effect on her, it WON'T stop him cheating in the future...

Your opinion of me also has no bearing on the subject, so I won't address it...

I didn't express an opinion on you. My post was addressed to your attitude on this issue.

I'm sure you are a very nice, well-meaning person only trying to give advice based on your own experiences.

I just feel sorry for the young woman who now has to put up with this guy and I would imagine that she will end up feeling just as low as the Op at some stage in the future so I would like to help her avoid feeling as bad as the Op. I have stated that if it is too much for the OP to tell her then so be it but it is sad that someone else wouldn't be warned to prevent them feeling bad and maybe needing counselling themselves. Sometimes as I wrote you can't always do the right thing for others if it is going to be really bad for yourself. It's sad, that's all.

strandroad

shaymus27 wrote: »

Sorry to hear about how you were mistreated.

However, if you weren't aware of what was going on and were happy living in ignorant bliss, wouldn't you appreciate it if someone told you? Wouldn't you be glad you didn't waste more of your time on your ex?

Next time I see a stranger needing help I think I'll remember the advice given here. Mind my own business and help no-one. Think of myself and move on. I can't help everyone, right?

It's not that simple. I would have encouraged OP to warn the next partner if the OP was beaten up by her partner, of if the new partner was cheated on at the moment.

But what the OP knows is that her partner was disloyal to her, flirted online with other people, has some (but not exclusive) interest in men, possibly cheated once with a prostitute (which he denied) and contacted more of them before they were together. Basically, he was being a dick to her and she was right to dump him.

But it's not a strong enough and not current enough a message for her to be believed; she's likely to be dismissed as a jaded ex, especially if he did improve with the new partner. I don't think it's worth dwelling on for the OP, as she seems to be moving on well otherwise.

This is so complicated

mhge wrote: »

It's not that simple. I would have encouraged OP to warn the next partner if the OP was beaten up by her partner, of if the new partner was cheated on at the moment.

But what the OP knows is that her partner was disloyal to her, flirted online with other people, has some (but not exclusive) interest in men, possibly cheated once with a prostitute (which he denied) and contacted more of them before they were together. Basically, he was being a dick to her and she was right to dump him.

But it's not a strong enough and not current enough a message for her to be believed; she's likely to be dismissed as a jaded ex, especially if he did improve with the new partner. I don't think it's worth dwelling on for the OP, as she seems to be moving on well otherwise.

It wasn't just once with the escort the messages were over a 2 year span!!! He seemed to visit her every time she was in ireland!!!

strandroad

This is so complicated wrote: »

It wasn't just once with the escort the messages were over a 2 year span!!! He seemed to visit her every time she was in ireland!!!

You said that only one of the messages was from when you were together though, or did I read it wrong?

shaymus27

mhge wrote: »

It's not that simple. I would have encouraged OP to warn the next partner if the OP was beaten up by her partner, of if the new partner was cheated on at the moment.

But what the OP knows is that her partner was disloyal to her, flirted online with other people, has some (but not exclusive) interest in men, possibly cheated once with a prostitute (which he denied) and contacted more of them before they were together. Basically, he was being a dick to her and she was right to dump him.

But it's not a strong enough and not current enough a message for her to be believed; she's likely to be dismissed as a jaded ex, especially if he did improve with the new partner. I don't think it's worth dwelling on for the OP, as she seems to be moving on well otherwise.

Thanks for your reply.

At least you would tell her if he was violent.

My premise is why not be nice to someone who you know is most likely to be messed around by someone?

If you were a single mother wouldn't you like to be warned?

I don't know what it's like to be a young single mother but if she keeps meeting men who are bad to her she will think all men are using her because she is a vulnerable single mother. She will think she is only good enough to be used by men not looking for a long term relationship. That will destroy her confidence.

I feel sorry for the young single mother, why doesn't anyone else?

catonthewire

This is so complicated wrote: »

Back again thank you so much for all you input. I think the reason I haven't told her is it upsets me to out someone's sexuality I feel no one has the right to do that. So its an a huge conflict for me as I genuinely see this n mother and feel I'm an accomplice to his deceit

His cheating for me isn't the issue...It's his sexual preferences which he has no control over that bothers me. If he is bisexual she has the right to know and make the decision wether to be in a relationship with him or not.

And yes I do consider the cheating with men and transgender women worse as I feel like he used me as a cover for his secret lifestyle. He knew I was not able to fulfill his needs in the relationship and yet he still continued it

Thanks for explaining your feelings about his sexuality with such clarity...
It does explain further why you feel that she needs to know, and how you feel this may prevent her from future hurt...
You do need to be cautious though , why?
He may very well have learned from the hurt he caused you and is open with her, she could well be bisexual herself and happy with their relationship ..
It's very common and people can have great partnerships in open relationships...
However, you don't know, and this is my concern for you, if you contact the woman, and tell her about his past, you risk hurting yourself...
You have made a wonderful life for yourself, in love with a great guy, your ex has also moved on...

Please just think carefully before you make any decision...

This is so complicated

This particular escort seems to be a travelling one so he would've had to book one of the appointments which he did while we were together but there was previous messages from before we got together to this same escort

shaymus27

Sorry for so many posts. I won't go on.

Suppose the young vulnerable single mother comes on boards in a few months looking for support at how she has been treated by this guy.

What will those people who advise against telling her now, tell her then?

How will they live with their conscience in advising the OP not to tell her?

Does no-one care about anyone they don't know any more?

shaymus27

shaymus27 wrote: »

Sorry for so many posts. I won't go on.

Suppose the young vulnerable single mother comes on boards in a few months looking for support at how she has been treated by this guy.

What will those people who advise against telling her now, tell her then?

How will they live with their conscience in advising the OP not to tell her?

Does no-one care about anyone they don't know any more?

We don't know that he's like that now. He could be, but it's dangerous territory.

This is so complicated

blatantrereg wrote: »

Focusing on entirely the wrong thing and starting to sound vindictive rather than concerned tbh. Homosexual tendencies would only invalidate a relationship with a woman if he was exclusively interested in men. That certainly doesn't seem to be the case.

Why are you keeping "evidence" on him? That's messed up.

I wasn't going to reply you but I decided that your ignorant post needed a reply. Firstly i come across vindictive!? This man involved himself with me and my child's life knowing his behavior, he was going to let me uproot my whole life knowing I wasn't enough for him, he was going to let me take out a mortgage to build a house on his site and he would've probably continued to hide this yet I have never once been malicious to him because even though his actions were disgusting I don't believe in retaliation. I believe in empathy I believe in seeing every side of the situation to make a consious decision I can stand by.

shaymus27

Karsini wrote: »

We don't know that he's like that now. He could be, but it's dangerous territory.

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

catonthewire

shaymus27 wrote: »

Sorry for so many posts. I won't go on.

Suppose the young vulnerable single mother comes on boards in a few months looking for support at how she has been treated by this guy.

What will those people who advise against telling her now, tell her then?

How will they live with their conscience in advising the OP not to tell her?

Does no-one care about anyone they don't know any more?

I simply don't automatically assume that she is vulnerable single mother ....
The woman could be well aware of his sexuality, his sexual preferences and his using escort agencies....
Perhaps the OP should consider this before she decides, very often our actions are driven by emotion ie anger , love ect.....
When she decided to keep his secret , the OP would have known that this type of situation would arise, but she kept quiet , although deeply hurt she didn't out him...
Showing maturity and empathy for him, in this situation she now needs to think carefully and don't let emotion sway her decision...

shaymus27

shaymus27 wrote: »

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

The thing is, you honestly don't know that. Here's a probable scenario:

OP tells the new girlfriend. She either backs off (which is what the OP wants) or aggressively denies it. He will say the OP is crazy. If she does it a second time with another woman, what's to stop the man getting a barring order against her or filing a harassment charge? Irrespective of this, the OP runs the real risk of ruining her current relationship and digging up old wounds.

implausible

OP, to me, it's a very simple decision between doing the 'right' thing and keeping your sanity (and current relationship.)

There are times in life when you have to be selfish; this is one of them.

shaymus27

implausible wrote: »

OP, to me, it's a very simple decision between doing the 'right' thing and keeping your sanity (and current relationship.)

There are times in life when you have to be selfish; this is one of them.

There is a saying that goes something like..

All it takes for evil to flourish is for good people to do nothing and let it happen.

implausible

shaymus27 wrote: »

There is a saying that goes something like..

All it takes for evil to flourish is for good people to do nothing and let it happen.

And do you think that the OP should undo all the work it took to get over him and risk her peace of mind and her current relationship to help someone who may not appreciate or need it?

Life is not black and white.

And 'evil', really?

shaymus27

implausible wrote: »

And do you think that the OP should undo all the work it took to get over him and risk her peace of mind and her current relationship to help someone who may not appreciate or need it?

Life is not black and white.

And 'evil', really?

Just thinking of all the work it's going to take the young single mother to get over him.

My main thought is why care more about this or any OP than the next victim of one of these lousy men. Why not care for them both equally ?