Serious advice required

Libby21

I'll try keep this as brief as possible.
Married for 9 years (together for 15) 3 kids - 13, 10, 4

About 5 months ago, husband flippantly commented that he no longer knew what he wanted or how he felt about me. Totally floored me and I reacted quite badly (panic, hurt, shock etc). He then started staying out late and always with work crowd. That eased off but he Admitted he has a 'friend' in work who he has confided in but swears that there's nothing going on and to be honest I believe him and he seems sincere. He claims we haven't been happy for years (which was news to me) and keeps telling me I feel the same as him (which I keep disagreeing with). I suggested we try counselling and we went 4 times (5th time he didn't show up because we had an argument that morning and he used that as an excuse).
He keeps saying he wants to be here in the house and wants us to try even though he refuses to go to counselling together or on his own and doesn't seem to me to want to try with his actions/body language etc.
Deep down I don't believe this is what he wants - I think he just doesn't want to be the bad guy who breaks the family up.
My main concerns are for the family obviously, the house, finances etc but I really do want to try and make it work. Problem for me is the hurt I am going through and that niggling doubt about his 'friend' from work.

My dilemma is - should I keep it going in the hope that he feels different at some stage, even though he refuses to make any effort with counselling etc OR do I tell him thats it and try and get on with my life. The rejection of something like this is extremely hard to get past.

The last thing I want is for us to live together living separate lives.

Any advice would be appreciated as I can't think straight at the moment.

Thanks

daithi7

Sorry for your troubles Libby,

From the off,a few disclaimers, I'm not nearly qualified to advise you on this, either formally, or indeed through my life experience to date. Also, I'm a little puzzled by some aspects of your post , which sounds highly subjective, which I suspect may be because as you said, you 'cannot think straight at the moment', which is only natural btw.

So, firstly, you must absolutely NOT beat yourself up about this. Your husband is going through something for sure, but absolutely none of this is any of your fault, and whilst you wish to keep your family together naturally, you should not imho be the one doing all the 'reconciliation' work. So your husband simply must engage with you, and with counseling, either together, or on his own initially, to help save your marriage. In fact he needs to become the prime mover, after all he is the one who has endangered it in the first place! If he does not engage, or refuses to, or whatever, give him an ultimatum. E.g. engage or exit!!

Secondly, I doubt your husband came home and 'flippantly commented that he no longer knows what he wants, etc...'. After 3 children and 15 years together (assumedly many happy ones), he surely could not have been flippant? Perhaps he appeared that way to you at the time, because as you say, you were in such deep shock, and/or, this was his way of trying to cope with telling you, I.e. by trying to act extra casually about such a serious issue. In one way, this is not important at all, except it is obviously important to you, as you described it here. I think for your sake, you are just going to have to face the hard facts that your husband is going through something of a crisis and is at a crossroads, and you need to forget how that knowledge was related to you by him for now, and get over that aspect of it, as this can only cloud your already naturally upset thinking. After all, there is no nice or good way to hear your life partner is unsure, accept that and deal with reality and facts, as opposed to getting hung up on semantics.

Thirdly, his constantly staying out late with his workmates, and then admitting to having a special friend in this group in whom, assumedly he is/was confiding in, or seeking solace from. Hmmmmm. Look he does not need to have had an actual physical affair to have been unfaithful to you, in the sense that if he has been confiding about his relationship with you to a female colleague, that he probably finds attractive, he essentially has been unfaithful. From your point of view, you are going to have to ask yourself can you forgive him for this and for the probability, that he has had an actual affair with this person. If that answer is yes, and that is a very big answer, that only you can answer for yourself, the next issue you are going to have to address is , is this relationship (and affair )that he has been having, ended? That is an equally important question. And thirdly,is your husband truly contrite for the hurt that this has and is causing you!?

These are huge questions for you. No wonder you feel 'your thinking is not straight...', no right minded person's would or could be in this situation imho. Don't beat yourself up over this, you have a right to be upset, hurt, and more than a little emotional, after all you did not cause this unwelcome disruption to your life, your husband's feelings and actions have.

In conclusion, I think you are going to have to face the facts and then face your husband down. To do this properly you are going to have to grasp the nettle that you might lose him fully (after all he may already be lost). To preserve your family and restore your relationship to a flourishing, harmonious state, he is going to have be prepared to do at least half of the restorative 'work'. If he is not, I think you should probably seek to finish the relationship, as hard as that may be for you (both) to face. Good luck with whatever you decide,I really hope it works out for the best for you and your family.

P.s. and as I stated at the outset, take my advice with a big grain of salt, I'm just another human with only half a clue.

Taltos

Mod note
More appropriate here OP. For posters who followed this thread please read the charter before posting.

strobe

A couple of things, you obviously don't believe him, that his "friend" from work is just a "friend", other wise there wouldn't be the scare quotes. That doesn't mean you're right, but you should be honest with yourself about how you feel.

Also he hasn't not made any effort with counselling, he's gone four separate times, the fifth time he apparently didn't see the point as nothing had changed. Have you asked him why specifically he doesn't want to attend counselling again or just tried to persuade him to go?

I dunno, you can't counsel someone into loving someone else...

Has he said what the specific issues that he has are? Are there specific issues? Why exactly is he unhappy in the relationship? Have you asked him? Did it come out in counselling? If so has there been any attempt to address the issues? Has anything changed?

Neyite

Libby, google "midlife crisis: this is the script" - this pattern can happen at any age so calling it a midlife crisis is a bit of a misnomer.

My take on this is that he had his head turned by someone at work, when that happens the partner usually finds fault with their current relationship where previously they seemed happy. He created historical unhappiness to justify his feelings. Now, reading between the lines, it would suggest that its not an affair, or perhaps an emotional affair or maybe the other woman is decent and has no interest in a married man and has made that clear and that's why he hasn't walked yet.

Right now he's got his cake, and eyeing up the other cake and figuring out how he can get both. All the while your world is turned upside down and waiting for him to make his move/see sense. You are powerless right now. Its time to take charge - He doesn't get to drop a bomb on your relationship that he no longer thinks he loves you and then carry on pleasing himself and paying lip service to counselling in order to convince himself he tried to save the relationship before you kicked him out. And conveniently makes you the bad guy when 'you' kick him out.

He told you he felt your relationship was broken - and the choice for him is to either genuinely attempt to fix it, or leave the relationship - give him a time limit to choose. It really is as simple as that.

Libby21

Thanks to all of you for the replies. This has been going on for 5 months and I'm drained trying to keep it all together whilst feeling totally powerless.

I agree with you 100% Neyite, my gut tells me he is torn between me and someone in work (who he tells me is engaged btw) but refuses to tell me her name, anything about her because he's afraid of what I'll do and keeps, keeps saying that his friendship has nothing to do with our problems ????

Anyway, my problem with giving him a time limit is that I have already given him a time limit. This has now been going on for 5 months and he still refuses to give me an outcome and wants us to take it slowly (???) while he continues to carry on and not share anything with me about his work life. I also found a receipt for lunch for 2 with wine one Friday in March which is refuses to tell me who he was with as I'm smothering him!!

My problem is that none of my options are good and what I want but I cannot go on any longer feeling like a doormat. Do I tell him where to go and then risk losing my house? Its impossible to have a conversation with him, as he just shuts down and tells me to stop looking for an outcome.

I feel quite desperate at this stage.

Thanks for the comments. It is appreciated.

Neyite

You don't want to split up, he knows this and therefore has you over a barrel.

What you want is him to give up this attraction/ flirtation/ affair or whatever it it, but he wont. How about calling his bluff? The problem is with this kind of manoeuvre is that you have to be prepared to gamble and prepared to lose if you have to. But it might be the kick in the ass he needs to realise that the grass isn't greener and your patience with him isn't infinite. You will also show him you are NOT his doormat and that you are worthy of respect and consideration.

You don't need a reason or permission to leave a marriage you know - not wanting any more of this crap is valid enough. Go to a solicitor, find out what your rights and entitlements are, and then book mediation to sort out a formal separation. Don't say anything to him until you have gotten advice, got your facts straight and worked out plans.

I know you don't want to split, but its either split, possibly temporarily, possibly permanent, or stay the way you are with him treating you the way he is doing.

LegacyUser

I've been your story Op.

The father of my kids told me he 'didn't like me anymore' one day. I was shocked. Tried to talk to him...we kind of patched things up. 9 months later he left me for a workmate. I was devastated. Tried to go on with life since after all a relationship is a choice.
He came back tail between his legs a year later and I, being lonely, vulnerable and suffering low self esteem took him back. Joke was on me though. He attended one counselling session then used contrived arguments to get out of any more. After more ups and downs he eventually confessed he missed his children and wasn't really interested in me. I had a nervous breakdown from the stress (this was a few years later). By thus time our finances were mixed up and we now lead separate lives in the house.
I'll admit he is a great day. The kids are like puppies at the door when he gets home but we both fail badly at being relationship role models. If I could rewind to 6 years ago I would have told myself time heals all as clichéd as that is. Now I feel nothing for him. No hate no love. Ive started making moves to an independent life and we've begun talking to the kids. I wasted a lot of myself on him but its also been a journey of personal growth so I guess I got something after all.
You can't make it like it was no matter what happens and yes, actions DO speak louder than words.
You still love him. But if he can't even like you enough to try and respect that by breaking it off cleanly then your love is wasted

LegacyUser

My experience here is quite different as my possibly soon to be ex-husband is an alcoholic but some of what you describe in your op reminds me of some of the things I have gone through with my husband. I wonder if maybe your husband absolutely means it when he says he wants to stay with you and remain a full-time family but that he wants that to be on his terms rather than the way things currently are. The main thing that has flagged that suspicion for me is him not turning up to counselling because you had an argument that morning. If he was honestly upset about the argument counselling that evening would have been a perfect way to sort things out. Instead he punished you for not agreeing with him. It strikes me as gaslighting* behaviour. It's possible he isn't happy about going to counselling as the counsellor "takes your side" too frequently for his liking and makes it harder for him to gaslight you. I could be way off the mark but it's something I went through for over a decade with a husband who truly did want to keep me and our marriage but only under his terms and who became very skilled at making me feel like I was so often in the wrong and needed to make compromise after compromise to keep us together.

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

skallywag

I'm very sorry to read about your predicament OP.

For whatever reason it seems to me that your husband has lost all interest in being with you, and I genuinely can't see how you will be able to convince him otherwise. It must be very difficult for you to accept that his feelings for you have gone, especially considering that it seems very likely that he has feelings for someone else.

How do you think that he would react if you were to suggest a separation for a period, do you think that he would honestly be too bothered?

kylith

If I were you I'd tell him that it was a choice between actively engaging in couples counselling, with a view to reviewing progress in 6 months, or packing his bags and leaving.

You can't stay in the kind of limbo that he has you in.

TizTaly2015

Hi Libby. I really feel for you at the moment. What a horrible time for you. I am a big believer in 'gut instinct' - my partner did something on me and I just knew deep down......but anyways, what is your true gut feeling here? Do you think you can save your marriage? Does he tell you he loves you at all?

Not sure what age your husband is but, and I don't really want to offend anyone here, in my experience (brothers, friends husbands, my own husband...) when they hit 40/41 they begin to evaluate their lives, they feel like they are getting old and they want to experience other things. It is an extremely selfish thing to do but unfortunately, I do think it happens to most men..........

I would give one last ditch attempt at the marriage counselling. Take it from there. But as someone already said, you cant make someone love you. And that must be so hard for you to hear right now and I'm sorry to say it.

Also, would he move out temporarily? Does he have somewhere to go?

skallywag

TizTaly2015 wrote: »

...when they hit 40/41 they begin to evaluate their lives, they feel like they are getting old and they want to experience other things. It is an extremely selfish thing to do but unfortunately, I do think it happens to most men...........

I think you are pretty wide of the mark by confining this to men, it's a pretty even split in my own experience.

pookie82

Libby21 wrote: »

but refuses to tell me her name, anything about her because he's afraid of what I'll do and keeps, keeps saying that his friendship has nothing to do with our problems ????

This has now been going on for 5 months and he still refuses to give me an outcome and wants us to take it slowly (???) while he continues to carry on and not share anything with me about his work life. I also found a receipt for lunch for 2 with wine one Friday in March which is refuses to tell me who he was with as I'm smothering him!!

Wow. Quite a lot of manipulation at play here. So he dangles the fact that he doesn't know what he wants with you anymore, and the fact that there's (kind of) another woman involved, in your face, but won't give away anymore info? Then goes as far as to accuse you of "smothering" him when you inquire further?

And YOU have to be patient and understanding and wait for HIM to decide what HE wants? Who is he to demand you take it slowly? Shouldn't YOU be deciding if you can live like this any longer?

Really, I think you know what to do here. Neyite's advice is the best you'll read. Set yourself up to separate, for a while at least. Investigate your legal/financial position independently, and then suggest to him that if he can't work out his feelings while still in the same house, it might be best to do so apart. Take the ball back in your own court, so to speak. Continuing like this is going to be utterly soul destroying for your self esteem.

His behaviour is sinister, to be honest. No one in their right mind hearing what you've heard wouldn't demand openness and honesty from here on in, and instead you're being actively shut out after the bombshell he dropped and worse, being made to await your fate day after day, month after month while he "takes his time" on it. That's not an acceptable way to treat someone.

TizTaly2015

I know scallywag, that's why I was a wee bit hesitant in saying it but, again you may not agree with me, I do believe that women look at the whole picture, some men tend to be selfish and just look at themselves and what they want.

Starokan

I know how hurt you are op, no one ever wants to hear there partner is having doubts, your self esteem has been floored and you have been trying to make him want you again. All understandable and perfectly possible to fix things if your partner is willing to try.

I accept your partner needs friends but if he wants his marriage to work, he needs to spend time at home, stop confiding in his colleague and concentrate on his family. It sounds to me that he is not in a position where he wishes to do that.

To that end it may be time for you to accept what he said at face value. Just because he is having doubts does not mean you did anything wrong, it does not mean you are unattractive, its simply a point of view he has come to and you know what if thats where he is at that is okay too, its hard for you but you can accept it.

What must stop is the limbo he has you living in, you need a conclusion he either stays and works on keeping his family together or you decide to separate. Right now he is completely in control , my advice would be

- Sit down with him asap
- Tell him its a final conversation and from the end of the conversation its you and the family first, work nights out must end for a while and his constant confiding in his colleague/friend/crush ends
- Tell him if he cannot do this then you are taking the decision to separate and that you and him need to put the emotion aside and decide how best to make that happen without damaging the kids

Take control back , its the only way you can come out of this with your sanity intact. Stop blaming yourself, it is not your fault, if you have grown apart there are two of you in it. Take him off the pedestal you have him on , if he wants out let him out, if he wants to stay make him work it out on both your terms not just his

mantaray

I too have an extremely similar story and it is absolutely soul destroying to feel so helpless in your own life. I am doing my best to focus on building up my fitness and confidence so I can confront the situation head on. In my case I am living in Ireland away from all of my friends and family in America.My husband has been playing mind games with me for the last few months and using bull**** excuses about incidences from years ago to justify his ridiculous behavior.My instincts tell me that he would most likely never have the balls to leave but my heart tells me that I deserve to be with someone that I can trust and that I don't feel is always looking for someone he thinks is "better". I know that I have to take control, get informed about my rights and get confident. What I don't know is how do you get someone to engage in honest communication or to make decisions jointly when they don't have the maturity to discuss the situation and continually stonewall, obfuscate and misdirect.
OP I hope this chance to see that you are not alone and that there is emotional support and legal information helps us get through this trying time.

Libby21

Hi All,

The comments/suggestions all of you have made are exactly what I've been thinking myself. I'm just so up and down because he really does talk sincerely when he says that there is nobody else but then some of the things he has said and done come back and hit me in the stomach like a ton of bricks.

Regardless of whether there is someone else or not, he's treating me like a doormat and this is a position I can no longer continue in.

pookie82 you summed up the situation perfectly and exactly the way I feel and he sees nothing wrong with his actions which in itself is disgusting.

TizTaly2015 he is around that age as it happens and I've thought 'mid life crisis' since the beginning.

Neyite, he has been staying at his friends house the past 2 weeks but dropping over to the house each evening to see kids etc but I can't go on any longer with that arrangement as he's having the best of both worlds - Seeing kids for couple of hours and then fecking off out and leaving me there trapped in the house knowing exactly where I am while I don't know where he is??

I never thought he'd become the person he is now but something has changed and I never thought I'd be this person either. I was always the confident one in the relationship and now he has me over a barrel practically begging to be loved !!!

I think my only option is to tell him thats it (and make the decision that he probably wants deep down) and figure out if he can move somewhere where the kids can go to stay. I don't see any other option.

I've been to a solicitor and he suggested that the house would most likely have to be sold should be officially separate etc. Its too much for one of us to service alone. That really scares me but I don't think I've many options here.

Thanks for all your comments and thanks to those who have been through similar experiences, its great to know there are others out there like me. I hope your in better places now.

LegacyUser

sometimes on this site, posters mean well, but genuinely are incorrect in their advice
This is not necessarily a midlife crisis.Maybe he's being honest?
Ask yourself genuinely, how have things really been between you both- really, in terms of everything, intimacies, friendship, etc..

This was me a few years ago.
My husband did not want to hear me.
I was so miserable.He just wasn't ready to listen or hear me or believe me.

Please do not think for one second this would've been an easy thing for him to say to you.
For me, I would rather have cut off my leg than tell the father of my children, the once 'love of my life ' that. I WA sunsure of our future, of my feelings etcetc..
Yet I knew inside I was dying slowly in the marriage.

About counselling.
It doesn't work for everyone.
Perhaps he needs to have 1:1 sessions first to sort out his head?
Individual counselling saved me from my fears and helped me be brave.
Then and only then might couples counselling work.
it didn't work for us, but some time later we can chat and realise that yeah, for us, our marriage changed , we changed, it was easier to split

Please take time for yourself and think, and realise he could've lived a lie for many years, but he choses instead to be brave and admit all was not asvit should be.

zeffabelli

Just so you are aware..... when and if you become a single parent.... he may still drop in when and if he feels like it and go off an enjoy his life.

Single parenting is really hard on all parties and I would think very carefully before you go down the separation route.

Might you say to him...ok take some time out...I'll wait for you for a little while but not forever and then I'll have to make some decisions, as its not fair on either you or the kids.

silverfeather

Op sorry about this.

It sounds to me like he has feelings for someone else and this happened at a rough time in the relationship. The other person is with someone but his feelings are there. He does not want the inconvenience of breaking up the marriage for something he cannot have ...yet his crush is there. He tells you this yet does not reveal all. Something is not right.

shaymus27

Hi Op,

I think you have received some great advice here, especially from Neyite.

Everything you have written, even your initial post where you would be forgiven for being a bit of a mess has been incredibly intelligent and clear-minded. Your instincts and gut have been correct so don't doubt yourself - your instincts are great.

Not all men have a mid-life crisis so don't get hung up on this as a reason or an excuse.

I would consider getting a second opinion from a free legal aid (FLAC) clinic re: legal opinion. Not all solicitors are great so unless you have reason to value your solicitor it would be no harm in getting a second opinion if it is free which it should be from FLAC. Legal stuff can take time so get an idea of time frames involved in how long things will take if that route is chosen. I think Dublin family courts are quicker than country ones but if someone works in Dublin even if they live outside Dublin they can avail of Dublin family courts as far as I am aware. Don't answer this in any reply - protect your anonymity as to your location.

Stay strong and get what support you can.

Ann84

Op, I'm sorry that your going through this but I can tell you right now, your stronger than you think... You are not burying your head in the sand, you went and got advice! You are considering you!!

One bit of advice I have (and this is tough at first!) is as part of separating - he HAS to take/ mind the kids a fair portion of the week... This coming to visit every 2 weeks is mad! He needs to get somewhere for them to stay with him or you need to get out for a few days...
This advice is for you and the kids - they need regular access to him, but also, you need time to deal with your emotions - not while pretending all is well in front of the kids... You also need time to start looking around at the world outside the family unit, and try to find yourself again...
I hope you do make time and space for yourself, if you do this right you could look back on this time and be filled with a sense of freedom! Nobody should be married to someone who treats them badly... Life is long x

pookie82

Libby21 wrote: »

Neyite, he has been staying at his friends house the past 2 weeks but dropping over to the house each evening to see kids etc but I can't go on any longer with that arrangement as he's having the best of both worlds - Seeing kids for couple of hours and then fecking off out and leaving me there trapped in the house knowing exactly where I am while I don't know where he is??

From reading more and more about your situation I suspect that taking control back and informing him you want to properly separate will actually bring you some relief.

Sometimes when a relationship is breaking down, and it does so slowly, all the fears and loneliness and tears happen IN the breaking down of it, as opposed to afterwards, and once the chord is cut, you almost feel better.

I'd go as far as to suggest that although it's a hellish decision to leave your marriage, you might just feel like a weight has been lifted once you make that call and take back some control, because the situation you outline here is ludicrous and you cannot be expected to continue in this nightmare limbo any longer.

Vannavolga

Libby21 wrote: »

Thanks to all of you for the replies. This has been going on for 5 months and I'm drained trying to keep it all together whilst feeling totally powerless.

I agree with you 100% Neyite, my gut tells me he is torn between me and someone in work (who he tells me is engaged btw) but refuses to tell me her name, anything about her because he's afraid of what I'll do and keeps, keeps saying that his friendship has nothing to do with our problems ????

Anyway, my problem with giving him a time limit is that I have already given him a time limit. This has now been going on for 5 months and he still refuses to give me an outcome and wants us to take it slowly (???) while he continues to carry on and not share anything with me about his work life. I also found a receipt for lunch for 2 with wine one Friday in March which is refuses to tell me who he was with as I'm smothering him!!

My problem is that none of my options are good and what I want but I cannot go on any longer feeling like a doormat. Do I tell him where to go and then risk losing my house? Its impossible to have a conversation with him, as he just shuts down and tells me to stop looking for an outcome.

I feel quite desperate at this stage.

Thanks for the comments. It is appreciated.

My advice would be to break up, he clearly doesn't value you as much as a partner should.

Libby21

I feel like I have been through a very traumatic experience and it is soul destroying to think that the person you married no longer loves you. I feel panic even typing those words.

As one of you said, I probably feel stronger now than I did 2 months ago because I've got used to the situation. He hasn't really been in the house properly for 3 weeks now. Spent 2 weeks in friends and dropped in everyday which does not work for obvious reasons and is away with work this week due back this weekend.

I have spent this week totally up and down and trying to think straight about what to do when he returns and I know its going to come down to me making the decision because he is unable to make decisions most of the time and as I said again, never wants to be the bad guy.

I do think you are all right and he has feelings for this person in work and whilst I don't think a physical relationship is going on, emotionally, I would say he's hooked.

My plan is to tell him to find somewhere else to live where the kids can stay with him part of the week (I know he doesn't have to do that but hopefully will agree) and I was thinking of staying with a friend for a few days next week myself so I can have time to think and he can look after the family.

Its a no win situation for me whichever way I turn which is extremely hard to deal with. I am going to counselling myself which hopefully will help.

Thanks for all the advice

skallywag

Best of luck OP.

pookie82

And just remember OP, if you tell him this when he gets back and he acts with shock and tries to protest he "needs more time", just tell him he can take all the time he likes if he's prepared to set up a separate place of residence where he can share childcare responsibilities, i.e. take them for a few nights a week. It's a bit rich to expect you to sit at home raising his kids with him "dropping in" now and again to ease his conscience. He has a handy number at the moment and may fight to keep the status quo.

Remain strong and tell him calmly you're done being the one with no control over this.

Tigger99

I can't agree strongly enough with Pookie. It's all well and good leaving you with the childcare responsibilities but it's not reality, he's living in lala land. Oh and what if you wanted to go back to work, what would he do then, as he couldn't rely on you to watch the kids. Working outside of the home could be a great confidence boost for you . That's me assuming that you are a stay at home mam.

It's a ****ty situation but you are taking control now and you will get through it.

ceadaoin.

Libby21 wrote: »

I feel like I have been through a very traumatic experience and it is soul destroying to think that the person you married no longer loves you. I feel panic even typing those words.

As one of you said, I probably feel stronger now than I did 2 months ago because I've got used to the situation. He hasn't really been in the house properly for 3 weeks now. Spent 2 weeks in friends and dropped in everyday which does not work for obvious reasons and is away with work this week due back this weekend.

I have spent this week totally up and down and trying to think straight about what to do when he returns and I know its going to come down to me making the decision because he is unable to make decisions most of the time and as I said again, never wants to be the bad guy.

I do think you are all right and he has feelings for this person in work and whilst I don't think a physical relationship is going on, emotionally, I would say he's hooked.

My plan is to tell him to find somewhere else to live where the kids can stay with him part of the week (I know he doesn't have to do that but hopefully will agree) and I was thinking of staying with a friend for a few days next week myself so I can have time to think and he can look after the family.

Its a no win situation for me whichever way I turn which is extremely hard to deal with. I am going to counselling myself which hopefully will help.

Thanks for all the advice

Disgraceful behaviour from him. Swanning in and out while you are in turmoil, makes my blood boil for you OP. He has well and truly checked out of your marriage and is in the throes of the 'honeymoon period' with someone new, whether it is physical or not. He can't see that he is going to come down from that eventually and he will and realise what he has lost. In the meantime, you can't live like this, you should see a solicitor with a view to coming to a formal separation agreement, child maintenance and access too.

Do you know this friend he is staying with and that he really is where he says?

LynnGrace

Libby21 wrote: »

I feel like I have been through a very traumatic experience and it is soul destroying to think that the person you married no longer loves you. I feel panic even typing those words.

My plan is to tell him to find somewhere else to live where the kids can stay with him part of the week (I know he doesn't have to do that but hopefully will agree) and I was thinking of staying with a friend for a few days next week myself so I can have time to think and he can look after the family.

Its a no win situation for me whichever way I turn which is extremely hard to deal with. I am going to counselling myself which hopefully will help.

Thanks for all the advice

Just to say OP, well done on holding things together, and definitely I'd agree with trying to get a bit of time to clear your head.
It's a horrible feeling when you feel powerless (for want of a better word), and once you take control, even if a situation is still bad, you do feel better, at some level.
Yes, he needs to have somewhere that the children can stay. Dropping in and out, leaving you with all the responsibilities means he has the best of both worlds, in my opinion.

All the best.