Brother needs help

jethrothe2nd

My brother (mid 30s) has recently moved home after spending many years working abroad in several countries. He has moved back into my parents house while he completes his Masters, however my mother has a growing level of concern that he is now there to stay. I can understand the concerns as he is a very intense person and needs a lot of attention. For example, when he takes up an interest in something, he puts absolutely everything into it, at the expense of everything/everyone else. We have never really been a family that expresses emotion or talks about issues very well - my parents are not tactile people, and there was very little in the way of physical affection when we were growing up but this is something that he really seems to need and pushes on them. It is never going to be a comfortable situation for them, and it is not something they are able to give him. This makes living with him really quite difficult, especially for my mother.

Socially he is well able to hold his own - he is funny (downright hilarious at times), articulate, intelligent and has got plenty to say, although he doesn't always recognise when it is appropriate to moderate his language/behaviour, Despite that, however, he has not really formed any real and lasting friendships that I am aware of. There was one girl who he was friends with for a number of years, although there were a number of situations that made me question her sincerity. I know that he would have liked to have developed that friendship into a relationship, but outside of that I am not sure that he has ever had a girlfriend.

He has said that he has Autism, although it is cloudy on where that diagnosis comes from. I think that he has done a lot of research and self assessment on the internet and taken some online tests (from reputable organisations), and has reached a conclusion. He is going through counselling at the moment, but I think that he is doing this off his own bat, and not through any form of referral. From what I understand, he has been to Drs before but they have been unwilling to help him. Whether that means he didn't agree or like what was said to him, or the system has somehow failed, I don;t know. He has told my mother that he has been suicidal at times, and at one point in the past tried to commit suicide - this was somewhere between 15 and 20 years ago. I don't know if there have been any attempts since that.

I don't know where to begin. My brother obviously has some challenges that I would like to help him with, although I'm assuming at this point that he wants my help. I'm well aware of how bad this will sound, but I know that the deeper I get with trying to help, the more dependant he may become on me to always be there to listen etc. I have a wife and 2 small children who need that time. On top of that, my mother is acutely aware that she can't give him what he wants/needs and is really struggling to deal with everything - she has had a really crap time recently - both my sister (who lives in Switzerland) and my step father have had cancer scares which resulted in significant operations and long term issues for both, her parents (who live in England) are in their late 80s and very frail, and she feels guilty that she cannot do more to help them. All in all pretty crap.

I'd really appreciate any advice from anyone who might have been through a similar situation

orthsquel

I have to ask - is a lot of the information that you know of your brother that you have posted come via your mother and you being her sound board, or is it from your brother directly? Are you and your brother close, or have ye talked about any of the stuff you have mentioned?

I'd be careful on acting on stuff that is said in conversation with your mother where you are meant to be the sound board, someone she can unload to. What she may have said might have been just her voicing her thoughts and experience with him around just to get it off her chest and not necessarily to be acted upon.

I'm not sure either about what you mean by help - sure he may lack in friendships and a relationship and may have specific emotional needs but I would think that they are perhaps issues he needs to evaluate himself as priorities in his life, unless he is somehow unable to do so.

Perhaps what you can do if you feel he is too engaged in things to do with his Masters is get to know him while he is here and get him to engage with your family and his nieces/nephews if you're worried he is too absorbed in studies, invite him along to days out, perhaps?

retro:electro

To me it sounds like he is on top of things and is doing his best to motor on. Why do you think he needs your help with anything? He is moving home while he completes his masters, a lot of students do this (myself included) purely for financial reasons. He sounds like he has taken responsibility for his condition and is doing his level best to cope and manage it.

It sounds like your mother cannot and never could meet his needs both emotionally and physically, but your post seems to portray the argument that this is somehow his fault? Did she ever get him assessed? I'm guessing not since he basically had to self diagnose.

I'm sorry but I don't really get what exactly your worry with him is? You don't sound like you want to make yourself too available to him anyway.

jethrothe2nd

Thanks for the responses

Anna - you are right in many ways. I wasn't however,in any way trying to portray that this is somehow his fault - its not about placing blame anywhere. It's about trying to find something that works for them both - they live under the same roof and neither of them are happy. He has needs that my mother can't fulfill, and she feels uncomfortable in her own home.

It may have sounded like I don't want to make myself to available, but of course I do. He's my brother. I do also have to consider though that I have a wife and 2 small kids, a demanding job,and I don't exactly live down the road.

orthsquel - I get some from my mother and some from my brother directly. It's a good idea to invite him on days out. I'll do that. In relation to his Masters, he has got to the point where he has moved onto the next thing. He was talking about not completing it a while ago, and although he has since decided to keep on with it, his focus has moved to his new interest.

silverfeather

I don't think you can self diagnose autism. He sounds like a nice person. I wonder though did the moving around a lot contribute to the issue of not forming relationships that lasted? What does he do is it something that involved interaction?

Someone who needs physical affection couples with parents who are not that way is a tough situation. Both sides feel very unaccepted. I am very affectionate and emotionally articulate. But a lot of it comes from 'presence' body language the silent cues the hugs etc. Sensitivity etc.

Perhaps he needs to spend time on him and not the masters for a bit?

I understand you cannot be everything to him. You have your immediate family now.

Whatever his situation is regarding autism or something else , it is NOBODIES fault. It does sound like his parents were not fitted to care for his needs. That does not come naturally to some. I am wondering why your parents did not bring him somewhere. I would be fighting hard for him. To be honest even if luvy duvy stuff does not come easy to them for his sake they should have found it in themselves to give it. It's precious and it's a part of growing up and developing.

Perhaps they could actually try some counseling together?