Still hurt by ex's actions

LegacyUser

I broke up with a long term girlfriend about a year ago. It was a messy breakup and a lot of things that went wrong in the relationship came to a head.

She cheated on me two times during the relationship, at least (these were instances that she couldn't deny as I would have found out). Another time I came back from a weekend away and she had very visible scratches on her back that she couldn't have made herself (she has very short nails) but she denied anything happened with anyone. I knew it was a complete lie and she was so sheepish even before I saw the scratches. And I swallowed the lie even though I knew it was complete crap.

She barely apologised for the cheating, really glib apologies only because she was caught out and she was so cold about it. We broke up in the end when I saw her private messages on facebook from I guy I was suspicious about and asked her who he was. She claimed he was just a friend and he has a family. I found out he didn't have a family at all, it was something she just made up on the spot to throw me of the scent. I don't know had she slept with him, but if not from his behaviour and the tone of the messages he was definitely in the process of trying to get her into bed. She had absolutely no shame about lying and did it brazenly and without regard to my feelings.

About a year has passed as I've said I'm still so angry and hurt about her actions. Any time I tried to make her understand how she hurt me she'd throw unrelated things back in my face like having a go about my relationship with my mother (I'm very close with my family). And she'd say these things just to hurt me more, because she knows how much my family mean to me.

I also know this behaviour wasn't a new thing for her. Bit by bit over the 3 years we were together I pieced together a jigsaw that she had carried on the same way with pretty much every boyfriend she had.

My main problem is that we have mutual friends on facebook (I've deleted her) and she's still very visible. She goes on about mental health causes and other activist things. I feel like calling her out as a hypocrite given the hurt and anguish she caused me and other people over the years. It especially bothers me her talking about mental health and her carrying on as if she's a halo on her head because I consider a lot of what I went through as psychological abuse. I actually know what she's made of (I kept the cheating stories to myself for the most part to avoid people taking sides) and I lie awake sometimes thinking I should lift the lid on who she actually is and let people know what I went through going out with her.

Basically I'm carrying a lot of anger around still even after all that time. I've gone to counselling and have been on anti depressants but I still feel so violated and lied to. And she carries on without a care in the world. I don't get how she can be so remorseless and cultivate a butter wouldn't melt image after breaking someone in half like she did.

Jasper_

Firstly, Facebook. Get off it.

Is this the only way you have any notion of what shes up to? Then simply deactivate it. It may seem drastic, but you don't miss it once you don't have it for a while. If you cant bring yourself to do that then "unfollow" her friends, this means that nothing they do comes up on your time line.

Secondly, her cheating on you is a reflection on her, not you.

I'm sure you have been told this many many times before. But it is an easy fact to forget. She didn't cheat because of anything you did or didn't do, she cheated because of who she is and will continue to be.

beks101

Mate, she's someone else's mess to deal with now.

First of all, block her on facebook. This way you won't see any of her status updates or photos or any of that. Do it right this second.

Second of all, do you have a moral obligation to give others a heads up on who she is and how inconsistent her words and actions are? Absolutely not. All kinds of hypocrites walk this earth, from church-goers who piss all over their neighbours to cheats who routinely take the moral high-ground as part of their public persona.

Chances are she'll trip herself up with the next guy, and the next guy, and the next guy - and you'll just let her off and take from your relationship with her that people have to earn your trust in future and if your gut tells you something is up, 9 times out of 10 it usually is. And you walk away swiftly when these dealbreakers like lying and cheating crop up. That's the lesson from all of this. That, and don't believe what someone says - it's what they do that counts.

You're obviously still hurting and that's what this is all about. You're still traumatized and feeling wronged for how badly you were treated. Lots of people will empathize with this and I can tell you that the second you're feeling emotionally stronger in your own skin, with your own life going on, and hobbies, and friends, and a career you enjoy etc - that gaping hole in your chest disappears and it becomes a fleeting "jesus, remember that eejit" every few months.

So cut the chord completely and continue to work on building yourself up again, emotionally, mentally, socially and physically. She doesn't deserve this power she still seems to yield over you so don't give it to her.

Big Bag of Chips

Agree with Beks, block her rather than just delete her. Then it doesn't matter what she posts, you won't see it or she won't see your stuff. If she has treated every boyfriend she's ever had like this then people know what she's like. Unless she was going out alone to an area where nobody knew her, people knew. Her friends knew.

It's difficult to let go of anger but when you don't have her in your face (on Facebook) everyday it'll be easier to forget her. You won't be getting annoyed by her and it will allow you the space to move on. She was a nasty piece of work. There's nothing you could have done about her. At least you walked away. And now you are a bit wiser going into your next relationship.

There are horrible selfish people in the world. It's difficult for "normal" people to understand how someone can be so self-centered, but your best bet is to just avoid them. Surround yourself with reasonable people, because you will never have the last say with people like your ex. She'll have an answer for everything. So rather than frustrate yourself by listening, just stop listening!

Stavro Mueller

She sounds absolutely vile - aren't you lucky you found this out before marriage and kids came along? For all you know, people may already be aware of what she's like. They're not going to say though. Who wants to interfere in someone else's relationship. People see things, word gets around... Even if they don't, you lifting the lid on her bad behaviour could rebound on you. If she's a good liar and people like her, you are the one who could get slapped with the "embittered ex" label. People don't like to take sides or to be forced into it.

Think about this too. When you were together and one of her exes had come to you to warn you, what would you have done? How can you say you wouldn't have brushed off his words as being those of a crazy. Or thought "this time it's different?". Or just told him to feck off and leave you alone.

As it is, it's a year since you split and you should be over this by now. This woman is holding you back. By allowing her free space in your mind, you are letting her win. Not only is she living in your mind but she is stopping you from moving on and meeting someone nicer. If she knew she was still having this effect on you, she'd probably laugh at the good of it.

I would go against the poster who said get off Facebook. Why should you if you enjoy using it? That'd be letting her win again. Just block her and that'll put an end to you seeing anything to do with her.

Gummy Panda

You can't control what she did or how she thinks. Holding her up to your expectations and standards, and expecting an apology is a waste of time. She obliviously doesn't share the same line of thinking. It doesn't matter why she did it or how she feels about what she has done, all that matters is that she cheated on you and its not acceptable.

You have a lot of anger but remember its just going to burn you up inside. Its like drinking poisoning and expecting her to die. Block her on Facebook to give yourself some mental space and focus on positive things in your life rather than something you can't control or change.

shaymus27

I don't trust people who go out of their way to let everyone know how great they are for being religious, politically correct or a champion of causes. Most males I know think the same. I wouldn't worry about people thinking she's great because she goes on about a cause. There are plenty of people who are full of hot air and are more concerned with themselves and self-promotion than the cause they say they are interested in. Most people who aren't full of hot air see through them.

I think you are a bit angry at yourself. You knew in your heart what she was like, but you wanted her to be different to who she actually was. It's usually females who want to ignore what the attractive, confident, charming male they are going out is actually like and I think you did the same with a female.

It's heartbreaking but if anyone ignores what their partner is like it's going to come back to bite them at some stage.

Sometimes the most self-obsessed but physically attractive people are cold as you described but people are still attracted to them and end up getting hurt. People do know what these people are really like by the way they treat others even if they are turning on the charm for their b/f or g/f. They CHOOSE to ignore it and end up being treated by their b/f or g/f the same way they have seen their b/f or g/f treat others and only then complain about their b/f or g/f.

You have learnt a lesson and you need to let go of the hurt somehow. I think accepting that you at angry at yourself for wanting to keep going out with her even though you knew really what she was like will help.

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone for the kind replies.

I realize everything that went is reflective of her more than me. I can go a couple of weeks without thinking about it all and it doesn't bother me, then I get flashbacks about things and it really affects me and I have to stay in bed all day with the sadness. I gave over so much trust and so much of my time and effort trying to build some sort of a shared life with her.

I feel at times like a fool or an idiot allowing myself to be treated that way, but I always believe the best in people and I took her at face value when she said she was sorry even though it didn't feel like she was. At times it was like staring into the abyss looking at someone who really really didn't care what they did to you.

There's been a couple of girls over the past year who have shown signs that they want to spend time with me, but I'm honestly not able for it because l'm terrified that it will all happen again and I'll be left lying in the ditch.

Payton

stillhurt wrote: »

Thank you everyone for the kind replies.

I realize everything that went is reflective of her more than me. I can go a couple of weeks without thinking about it all and it doesn't bother me, then I get flashbacks about things and it really affects me and I have to stay in bed all day with the sadness. I gave over so much trust and so much of my time and effort trying to build some sort of a shared life with her.

I feel at times like a fool or an idiot allowing myself to be treated that way, but I always believe the best in people and I took her at face value when she said she was sorry even though it didn't feel like she was. At times it was like staring into the abyss looking at someone who really really didn't care what they did to you.

There's been a couple of girls over the past year who have shown signs that they want to spend time with me, but I'm honestly not able for it because l'm terrified that it will all happen again and I'll be left lying in the ditch.

Hi OP, Life is hard sometimes but we have to get on with it. Your ex taught you a valuable lesson in life and you should learn from it.
What this woman does is of no concern to you, so dont beat yourself up about things she says or does....its not your concern.
My ex did something similar and her words and actions made me think i was at fault and you know what i believed it....it was only through counselling that I came to realize that her actions were not my responsibility and that you are only responsible for yourself. Go speak to your GP and seek advice.
A year on and you still feel like this has to be taking a huge toll on your life and well being as its not healthy. You really need to address this asap.
Life is about the now and future and not about the past...the past is to be learnt from.

Blue Iris

It's perfectly understandable that you're finding this hurt hard to let go of. You are a person of deep integrity and it's hard to believe that someone you loved and trusted could treat you this badly.

You have also lost some faith in your own judgement. If you were so wrong about her how can you trust yourself to be right about the next person? I agree with the other posters who said that you will learn from this experience. Your gut was giving you lots of upsetting information about her throughout the relationship but you didn't want to listen to it. That's happened to me too. In later relationships I learned to take my gut feelings about what was happening seriously and that is what keeps us safe. You will get over her and what she did in time and meet someone who is deserving of all the love you have to give.

Every time i hear of issues like these, and people find it difficult to move on with their lives, Facebook is always involved!

It's a stalkers tool, stay off it and move on!

LegacyUser

stillhurt wrote: »

I broke up with a long term girlfriend about a year ago. It was a messy breakup and a lot of things that went wrong in the relationship came to a head.

...

Dated a similar girl many years ago. Innocent persona but... Cold kind of girl. She dumped me before I caught her only a week later. Stuff got back to me from her friend after. Most things we're pretty much inline with my suspicions.

Never bothered to confront her after. The reality is there's no point. In all cases a person is who they are. Let sleeping dogs lie. Still hurts well over a decade later. :-(

The breakup had an amazing positive influence on me. Gave me a determination to be less shy and come out of myself. Became much more aware of girls personalities rather than just looks. Genuinely married to an amazing warm kind gem of a women :-)

Be glad to not be there anymore. Put your anger to positive use. Move on. Look forward not back