Dating a Victim of Domestic Abuse

LegacyUser

Been dating for the last 6mths and I love them to bits. the problem is they keep backing off to the point Im not sure if its me they are not interested in or distrust from previous relationships. We did go thro a bad patch I was unhappy with the lack of time we were spending together and we agreed we would try to see each other every we or during week hasnt happened each time they are either off playing their favourite hobby all we and havent bothered to let me know or they say they are feeling low from whats happened. Am I wasting my time? We dont live in the same town as each other 2hrs drive away and their abuser still is present and they do get verbal abuse when they bumpo into each other. Im beginnning to feel its always about them their hobby which is like the obsessvness as a 10yr old tried to join in but am not wanted as im too inexperienced or its a monologue about their previous partner
sorry for long post

maria34

How far back did it happen? Did she get councelling?

U said she/he doesnt let you know if something changes (maybe i got it wrong?) thats just bad manners.

LegacyUser

About a year ago tbh I feel drained its always about them and no I dont get told when things change

dudara

@grumpynerd - Please note that "one-liner" throw away posts are not welcome in PI. Please take the time to read the forum charter and familiarise yourself with the required posting standards in PI before posting again.

dudara

grumpynerd

Well there isnt too much to say:some relationships really dont sing a good song and end up being less than both people deserve. You cant fix someones past or spend time wondering what part of their behaviour is affecting another part of their behaviour. As adults you both have to respect the other persons time and energy and not be half in half out or still half stuck in a prior situation.

shaymus27

I would think anyone who has suffered deserves patience and understanding.

The way your date behaves I think has nothing to do with any previous suffering. They seem to be self-obsessed and not as interested in you as you are in them. A poster above described their behaviour as bad manners and it seems to me that they just don't have the interest, intelligence or social skills to be considerate of you.

It's a long, long time since I fell for someone and I would think I would park my hobby to some extent if I fell for someone now. It's good not to abandon hobbies and friends if you meet someone but it sounds like your date is treating you as a supporter not a date.

You have fallen for your date so maybe he/she is nicer than appears but I don't think the way they behave is anything to do with mistrust. Maybe you could talk to your date about your thoughts and feelings and see how they respond. You need to find out from your date how interested in you they are and whether it is a case of being afraid to commit to someone new. You can't spend forever wondering or being in limbo until they make up their mind so you need to find out. If they have feelings for you it will be nice for them to hear that you have feelings for them and if they don't have feelings for you, you are better off finding out sooner rather than later.

grumpynerd

Also anyone with any amount of life experience will tell you its imposible to understand someone outbof their own messy past. Its takes a very high calibre of relationship to pull that off and ops situation doesnt sound like that.

Anyway he has to respect his own time and mental energy first. Life isnt a teen drama. We have to nurture ourselves and be very careful about the situations we involve ourselves with.

shaymus27

Op, just to clarify to you in case I have not been clear in what I posted above.

Maria34 refers to your date as showing bad manners and I agree with her.

It might be incorrectly inferred from what I wrote that I was suggesting that Maria34 didn't have the interest, intelligence or social skills to be considerate of you. I did not mean this at all. I meant that I didn't think that your date had the interest, intelligence or social skills to be considerate of you.

I can't tell from your post whether you are male or female or whether your date is male or female so I ended up writing "they" which might give rise to confusion as to whether I meant Maria34 or your date didn't have the interest, intelligence or social skills to be considerate of you. You seem to have put effort in to not disclosing this so don't disclose this as a result of me writing this if you do not wish to.

dudara

@grumpynerd - please take the time to read the forum charter again before posting. I have removed your comment which was essentially back seat moderating. Responses should be directed at the OP.

dudara

silverfeather

Hello OP.

I am a victim of past abuse. I don't take it out on others. I am wary of getting abused in the future. The obsessiveness with the hobby seems very unusual. Hobbies are great but you should want to let your partner take an interest even if they are not that great. I would try to show support for a hobby if we were going to be serious it is a part of their life etc. I would expect them to support mine. But if it's closed to me then that's difficult.

I would not want them to abandon hobbies but I would expect them to understand I need time too. I would do that for them.

I am going to say the ranting about abuse etc...well I do that in my head at myself. I should do it in a blog or something. I don't even do it to my family ...I have some horrible memories. I don't think i would like to put those in other people's minds to be honest.

I think if I met someone I would like to start anew and build up intimacy. I wonder why she is not going about that.

Someone's past cannot justify them behaving badly to to others. I agree she seems self obsessed and not caring of others. Pain is universal we don't compete in it. Her pain is not more important than yours. Just because I have had a bad past does not mean the pain or time of others is not important. And just because I meet someone with a bad past does not mean I am to be cared for less. It doesn't work like that. And just because you have a bad past does not mean you are doomed to that in future.

She should be kinder and more considerate to you. If you feel this is not a nurturing relationship then be kind to yourself and move on.

LegacyUser

A year is a very very short time to overcome and process the impact of a domestic abuse relationship. Especially if the ex partner is still in his or her life in some capacity, the abuse does not stop when the relationship is over.

They may not be in the right place for another relationship at the moment. Of course if this is so then the polite thing would be to tell you, but perhaps they are not aware of this themself.

They obviously really enjoy their hobby and it may be a theraputic outlet for them. They are doing nothing wrong, there is no rule that a person must reduce their hobby when they start seeing someone, it does not mean that they are not in to you, but if the amount of time you would like to spend together in a relationship is different then you may not be compatible unfortunately.

It may be because of their past experience, or it may just be that they want to devote that much time to a hobby rather than a relationship, either with you, or with anyone, but the bottom line is that you want different things, you tried to address it and that didn't work, perhaps it would be best to stop seeing each other, at least for the moment.

LegacyUser

Op here, I just came back to thank you all. Those words that were used self obsessed planted a seed and made me think and then of course I began to question things and then everything began to spiral completely out of control. Google Dating a narcissist that describes the relationship to a T. I ended it a day ago tbh I feel worse now than ever because until another victim is identified I will still be in their radar and they will start spreading lies about me because they need the attention the drama. I know its not over yet as I know if I were bump into them again there a part of my brain that would go away and hide somewhere and I would return into that person they were trying to mould me into insecure, upset, paranoid. Thank you all again Im not there yet but at least now I have space to recover