Offering Support to Parent of Suicidal Child

little lady

I'm not in any way looking for medical advice.

I have a friend who lives in the US, her 10 year old daughter tried to commit suicide last week. She is now in the appropriate hospital and recieving the appropriate care and won't be home anytime soon.

I just dont know how to give support to my friend. Many years ago I suffered from depression myself and if it was an adult that was ill I could give more advice or support but I just don't know what to say when it's a child.

Her family live in a different state so she doesn't have their support on a daily basis and she doesn't have a whole lot of good friends around her to help.

I feel like I'm at a loss to what to say to her. I will let her talk and cry and listen all I can but is that all I can do from here?

If I had the money I'd go visit for a couple of weeks but I just can't afford it at the moment. I was thinking of contacting Aware to see if they could offer me advice.

Can anyone offer advice on how I can give her support from a distance?

Thanks
LL

Big Bag of Chips

It's very difficult, but I think all you can do is listen. It is horrific that a child would feel the need to attempt suicide, but I think a 10 year old child can't really grasp the finality of death. She (the child) may find it difficult to verbalise her thoughts. Most distressed adults find it difficult to put it into words.

There would be no harm contacting Aware or The Samaritans or other similar organisations just to get a bit of advice. You are not a trained counsellor, so try not to take on that responsibility. She will be getting counselling and advice from her daughter's hospital. Just be a friend. Listen to her. Let her cry. Let her repeat herself as often as she needs to.

It's difficult when you are far away. But even if you lived next door this would still be a lonely, terrible time for your friend.

catonthewire

Totally agree with the above poster, you can't take on too much responsibility ect, but, you are obviously a fantastic supportive friend....
Given her family live quite a distance away, she will need you to simply listen and support her as her friend...

Do as suggested , contact Aware ect and ask them for guidance...
Your friend is lucky to have you at such a terrible time in her life..

Rubberchikken

it's so sad to think of a 10yo attempting suicide. her poor mother must be devastated.
you sound like such a good friend, so just be there for your friend when and if she needs to talk.

take care

LadyAthame

Perhaps a hand written letter in the post might help her. It's more intimate etc.

You can't take on too much. Ask aware for advice. But also understand this could be a private thing or something she does not want to get anyone else involved in and she might feel she does not have time for anything else. So be understanding. Her daughter needs her attention.

There is not a lot you can do ..it's probably more the little things.

They will all be going through counselling etc .

Most of all tell her she is not to blame and that she is a wonderful mother. No one is NO ONE. Focus on working though it.

Tell her no one is to blame and that they can move on from this to a better place. Tell her it's ok to be afraid. But at least she knows now something was up.

Re-inforce strongly it's no one's fault especially not hers . And focus on being pro-active about getting her daughter and her to a better place.

Tell her you love her and accept her. Tell her that you send your love and acceptance to her daughter and ask her to say that to the daughter. Tell them you are holding a light out for them and you have faith things will be ok if they get to a better place.

whatismyname

Sorry to hear of this really difficult situation OP, and hope your friend's child will be ok, both physically and mentally.

I definitely agree that one of the main things you can do is listen. I think we are often so focused on what to say, and afraid of saying the wrong thing etc... when just listening, being there, and even asking the person how you can help, can make the world of difference.

Will be thinking of you.

Big Bag of Chips

LadyAthame wrote: »

Tell her you love her and accept her. Tell her that you send your love and acceptance to her daughter and ask her to say that to the daughter.

I wouldn't say anything like the above to her, OP. I think telling her you "accept" her is a strange choice of phrase, and definitely not one that should be said to a 10 year old. Saying things like "it's not your fault" are also a bit useless. As a parent she is going to feel a certain level of responsibility for her child, so telling her it's not her fault isn't going to convince her. Also, if she knows deep in her heart that it in fact isn't her fault, then the very fact that you mention it could have the opposite effect. It could make her think that some people are thinking that. If you weren't thinking it, why would you mention it?

It is an unnatural situation and to be honest there is nothing you can say. Anything you say will sound hollow or clichéd. And with the state they will all be in at the moment even a well meaning phrase could be misinterpreted. Just listen. Ask her questions. Ask her how she is doing. Ask her how her daughter is doing. Just talk to her, but don't talk at her. She needs to have a friend now. You can't make this better, but you can be there at the end of the phone if she needs someone to talk to.

Also don't be too insulted/worried if you don't hear from her too often. She's going through a lot, and will be very busy with doctors appointments, therapists, social services etc. There will probably be evenings where she just wants to shut her front door and shut out everyone.

It's so difficult to stand back doing nothing, but sometimes it's all you can do.

LadyAthame

It was advice I got from aware as regards guilt. That's not to say it's good advice or anything. It is what it is.

I think telling her you "accept" her is a strange choice of phrase, and definitely not one that should be said to a 10 year old. Saying things like "it's not your fault" are also a bit useless.

I think every friend and child needs to hear that I would. And one of the issues that can lead up to suicides is the feelings that they are not accepted and they hide especially kids. They feel isolated from friends and alienated.

And saying you are accepted to children I feel is important.

little lady

Thanks for all the replies, really appreciate them.

She already knows that I think she's a wonderful mother and a strong person. I told her this a few weeks ago, she has dealt with so much over her life time. I really admire her. But saying that, this is not a situation where I would repeat it, to me it would sound condescending.

She has 3 other kids, one of them is 5 months so I'm use to not hearing from her. She also knows that I'm always at the end of the phone when she needs me.

I know there's nothing I can do to make this easier except be a sounding board or an ear to listen, I was just hoping there might have been!

Hopefully I'll get over some time this summer for a visit.

Thanks again for the replies, I'll definitely get in contact with aware.

Big Bag of Chips

I think you're right, little lady. I think there's a danger of sounding condescending. I think it is ok to admit to her that you are at a loss as to what to say. It is ok to point out that this is an unnatural situation and you know that anything you do say may come across as contrived or inappropriate. All you can do is tell her not to be afraid to contact you if she needs to. And reassure her with the help of the doctors they will all come through this.

I hope, for the child's sake that this was a knee jerk reaction to something and she didn't fully understand the implications. It is devastating to think that a small child would consciously decide this is the only thing to do. Hopefully it will only be a one off, and the child doesn't have any long term lasting psychiatric problems to contend with. Bad enough as teens or adults, but for a small child......

All the best little lady, I hope they'll all be ok.

seventeen sheep

Ah god, ten years old. Poor girl, and poor family.

It must be extremely frustrating being so far away. I mean, if you had posted this about a friend who lived nearby, the advice you'd be receiving would be to offer babysitting and home cooked meals etc, obviously you can do none of that.

In your position, I would assure her that if be available for phone calls absolutely any time of the day or night - regardless of the time difference, tell her to just pick up the phone and call you when she needs to. (And stick to that - do make sure your phone is turned on and at a high volume at night, just in case!)

Try and get in Skype calls if you can. It can be very comforting to see someone's face as well as hearing their voice.

Message/email her often. Avoid asking questions so that she doesn't feel obliged to answer you - she may be too busy or not in the frame of mind to do so - don't be surprised if some messages go ignored, it doesn't mean she doesn't appreciate the thought.

Maybe order a bunch of flowers online to be delivered to her, along with a message about what a fantastic mother she is? I know maybe that seems a bit pathetic in the grand scheme of things considering the seriousness of the situation, but it's just another way to remind her you're there for her even if you're not physically there.

Ask her to think if there is anything you could possibly do for her to save her time - any online bill payments, liaising with the health insurance company, keeping the child's school updated, anything at all? It's unlikely but there may be something.

I am sure there must be numerous online support groups for parents in her position. Research them - talk to the parents there, see what advice they can offer you, see what helped them get through situations like this. And, when your friend is ready, pass on the details of the sites you found most beneficial, so she can get support from them herself if she chooses to do so.

How about (if you can afford it) see if you could arrange a cleaner to come in every week or two for the next few weeks? You could probably find a local service online. You probably know yourself whether this is a gesture she'd appreciate or not - some people just hate the idea of someone else cleaning their home.

I can't really think of anything else. I hope it was an isolated incident and that the girl gets better soon xx