Huge Problem With Sister & Her Friend

LegacyUser

Just a warning, this might be quite a huge post but I will try to condense as much as I can.

Basically, I'm living in a house shared with my younger brother and sister. I work 3 days a week and so does my brother, my sister does not work and is currently unemployed. This current living situation is the best I can do at the minute as me and my brother would find it hard to move out and live together even with both our paychecks combined. My younger sister has a friend whom she's been friends with for about 3 months, who is absolute trouble. I'll start from the beginning. At first she would come to the house now and then which was fine, no one passed any remarks. Normal behaviour, no worries. Then often they would pre-drink in the house on Fridays before going out, which is kind of iffy. Due to a family/personal issue I won't go into, we agreed to a strict "no drink in the house" rule between the three of us, which my sister is breaking with the pre drinking. However me and my brother turned a blind eye, as even though they were very loud, they would usually leave to go out for the night at around 9pm, so as I said we turned a blind eye to the loud pre drinking.

The real problem started about a month ago, when her friend showed up at about 3 am after the pub, with my sister, because she had nowhere to stay. Needless to say, me and my brother were woken up (when we both had work the next day!) by their loudness. They proceeded to be quiet and we got back to sleep, but still, this was not on by any stretch of the imagination. The next day we sat our sister down and she apologised and promised it wouldn't happen again. Foolishly I believed this

For the last 3 weeks, the same scenario has happened. They go out, come home drunk in a stupor, proceed to have NO RESPECT and wake me and my brother up (when we have work the next day). My sister then apologises the next day as usual and the next week the same thing ensues. Tonight was the straw that broke the camels back. A little more back story, this friend of my sisters is bad news for a few reasons. I always hear her talking to my sister about how me and my brother are "bullying" my sister, and that we are ruining our sisters life? (none of this is true, we actually get on really well with our sister and don't do anything to her). Her friend is obviously a REALLY bad influence on my sister, she has her claws dug in and is turning my sister against us. She's in the house constantly now during the day and it's always a bad vibe when she's here (stubs me and my brother, passive aggressive behaviour etc). I've noticed a huge change in my sisters behaviour after the last few weeks. Her friend lives about 20 minutes away and because me and my brother berate them for coming home drunk at night, my sister and her friend think this is us "treating them badly". Me and my brother told my sister's friend that if she doesn't have a lift home to not go out anymore, and to just stay at home, because she is not being allowed stay here anymore. Pretty simple concept to understand for anyone with a brain.

Anyway, fast forward to tonight. Loud pre drinking as usual. They leave as per usual, me and my brother proceed to go to sleep as we have work the next day. To our surprise we aren't awoken by them coming home, which is a relief. We assume my sister is alone. I'm woken up by a loud sound and I pass no remarks. I then hear talking. I'm now angry. I proceed to calmly enter my sisters room, where my sister and her friend PRETEND to be asleep as soon as I enter the room. They're both quite intoxicated. I turn the light on, and I tell them to shut up as we have work tomorrow.. They proceed to laugh. I turn to the friend and I tell her that she should show some respect, and that she shouldn't even be here in the first place. To my surprise, her friend LUNGES at me, actually makes a lunge at me to hit me. My sister has to hold her back, I'm currently in a state of shock. Her friend and my sister begin to argue and shout at me, she claims I somehow "ruin" my sisters life, and proceeds to call me a bully (what?), and also proceeds to call me the height of insults and names. Not cool. My blood is now boiling but I remain calm. She proceeds to also threaten me numerous times with violence. I argue back and tell her first off she's lucky I'm not making more of a scene, and secondly if she doesn't calm down and go to sleep that I will proceed to ring the guards to have her removed from the house.

My brother wakes up too and suddenly what went from me asking for peace and quiet turns into a 4 way free for all of shouting and roaring, in which me and my brother are the only 2 sober participants in the madness. I'm completely STUNNED and BAFFLED still, that someone I barely know, has the audacity to proceed to come to my house (after they're told not to!), drunk, 4 weeks in a row, and is now physically and verbally abusing me in my house. I can't fathom what kind of person goes to someone's house and does this, I just can't get over it. How dare she? 0 consideration for us having work tomorrow. I told my sisters friend that I refuse to stoop to her level, and that I will not be disrespected in my own home. I told my sister and this friend, to their faces, that this person is banned from the house and if she ever shows up again, I will have to ring the guards for her to be asked to leave.

One thing that has hurt me extremely is that my sister has told this friend personal things about me and my brother. For example, I suffer from slight depression myself, and during the week I was feeling down. I never talk to anyone usually about my issues, but I talked to my younger sister that I was upset and feeling slightly anxious/depressed. I had this thrown back in my face. At one point my sister tried to get physical with my younger brother, in which case I held her back and kept repeating "You're drunk, and not of sound mind right now, please go to sleep" Her friend proceeded to shout at me "she's of sounder mind than you are. She's told me all about you and your issues, you f**king weirdo, go see a doctor you freak". Yes, ladies and gentleman, this person was being THIS personal, to my face, in my home.

I'm at my wits end. I feel like I'm going to vomit from sheer upset and from how distraught and appalled I am at this. I had to fight the urge of violence at points when I got EXTREMELY angry, but I'm glad I didn't. It's currently past 5 am at posting this, I have work at 10 and doubt I will get any sleep, as they are STILL here, making noise. Is it just me or is this whole thing really just...wrong? Please tell me I'm not crazy, I feel so disrespected and betrayed and just, I can't sum up in words how I feel. I bend over backwards for my house and to keep things afloat with rent etc, and this is how I get repaid?

Me and my brother were talking, and just wondering what our course of action is as with regards to stopping this from happening next friday night, as well as stopping her friend from being here in general? Her friend is the kind of rotten person who will still proceed to come to the house at my sister's whim, just to spite us.She's really a nasty piece of work. Me or my brother don't want her in this house, ever again. I'll politely ask her to leave if she's ever in the house again (which she is most weekdays on my days off!), but knowing her, she won't go. Am I really going to be pushed to ringing the guards to remove her from my home? Is that REALLY what it's going to take? She believes just because my sister invites her over that she somehow has some right to be in our home, even though my sister and brother and I pay shared rent.

Sorry for the huge post, but you can see how crazy this whole thing is. Please let me know what best advices you would give me, or how I proceed to stop this from happening? Believe me, me and my brother are BLUE in the face asking my sister to not do this, yet she still does. Is it time to somehow take further action?

LegacyUser

Why don't you ask your sister to move out? Why don't you and your brother get a place by yourselves? Your sister is obviously an adult so you can't make her pick and choose her friends.

jopax

Hi op,

I just wanted to post to say, that the situation is nuts & you and your brother sound like decent rational people.
Your sister is obviously very easily led, and her friend sounds like a complete headcase and will keep causing mayhem as long as she is left inside your home.
As harsh as it sounds your sister is the biggest problem as she is bringing her in there.
Would you consider asking your sister to stop bringing her back or leave the house.
I really can't see any other way around this.
This so called friend is capable of anything, I would be locking my bedroom door with her lurking around.
Just curious too, is it just drink or is there drugs involved too?

cruais

Have a chat amongst the 3 of you and explain that the friend is not welcome in the house anymore as you do not feel comfortable or safe around her.

Give your sister the option to move out if she does not agree with the first option

Big Bag of Chips

To be honest, if she's there by your sister's invitation then the guards won't do much to get her out. Although maybe the threat of it will frighten her? If she physically threatens you they may remove her... But you may be waiting a while for them to respond to the call, especially on a Friday night. It sounds like they see your house as a "free gaff". While the friend is a huge problem, no doubt, your sister is actually your main problem because she invites this person into your home.

So rather than spend your energy getting upset at the friend's lack of decorum, your best plan of action is sitting down with your sister, calmly, and explaining how their behaviour is impacting on your home. But, as Tabs mentioned, she's an adult. She'll choose her own friends, and it's her home so she will bring her friends there.

Now, I may be way off but... Is there a bit of you being pissed-off with their carry on, and then picking on every little thing they do, whether it's out of line, or not? The night of the "big fight", you admit they came in were quiet, etc. Then you heard a loud noise. That could have been your sister knocking something over/dropping her shoes on the floor, and she might have done that whether her friend was with her or not. Then you heard talking. Just talking, not shouting, singing etc... But you went straight in turning on the light telling them to go to sleep. To me, and I understand why you finally had had enough, but you kicked it all off. You could have let the talking go for a while to see if they'd go to sleep. They were already in bed when you got to the room, so seems like they were just settling down.

Anyway, that's all by-gones now.

Your sister is your problem. She's the one causing a problem for her other housemates by bringing people around and being generally inconsiderate. If she wasn't your sister how would you be approaching this?

Penny Tration

Her friend is a nasty piece of work, no doubt about that.

However, I think you, at the beginning, were highly unfair to your sister.

Berating her for having a friend over after a night out, and for drinking in the house? If she pays rent, she's perfectly entitled to do these things.

I'd probably blow up too if my sister were having a go at me every week for having a normal social life.

Things got waaaaay out of hand, and you are completely correct to now ban the nutcase friend. You should have called the police to have her removed the second she threatened violence against you.

Ban her, if she's in the house tell her to leave and call the police if she doesn't.

But you should also start treating your sister like an adult. It's not your place to tell her who she can and can't have sleep over once a week, or give out to her for being drunk. She's an adult and pays rent,so she can decide these things for herself.

Bassfish

I would not put up with any form of abuse in my own home.
You and your brother seem to be the main breadwinners and your sister seems to have a nice cushy setup presumably having the lions share of bills and rent covered by ye! I have a good job but would still struggle to afford a big night out every Friday!
It sounds like your sister needs to grow the hell up and realise that when you live with other people you have to treat them with respect.
Make it clear to your sister that her friend is not to darken your front door ever again and if the friend is more important to her, then off ya go love! She'd soon get a rude awakening having to fend for herself!

Big Bag of Chips

siblingissues91 wrote: »

I then hear talking. I'm now angry. I proceed to calmly enter my sisters room.... I turn the light on, and I tell them to shut up as we have work tomorrow

My brother wakes up too and suddenly what went from me asking for peace and quiet turns into a 4 way free for all

To be honest, you were angry, I'd wonder how "calmly" you entered the room, and turning on the light telling them to "shut up" isn't you simply asking for "peace and quiet". Your brother woke up to the sound of you all arguing, and then it escalated further.

I understand you are at the end of your tether, but you can be sure from your sister's point of view "you started it".

I think tonight you need to sit your sister down. She's the problem. She could get rid of this friend but just replace her with another.

Rubberchikken

your sister is an adult. if she's treated like an adult then she should act like one.
tbh i don't think she is. if she cares for her family, she should be able to see the hassle she and this so-called friend are causing.

you need to spell it out to her clearly and calmly.

i don't agree with the 'if she's paying rent she can invite who she like in' argument. there has to be consideration for others in the house. if the person your inviting in impinges on the quality of the home then it's time to rethink things.

a stranger, and this person is effectively a stranger to the OP, shouldn't 'lunge' at them for any reason.

OP, i think you made a simple mistake at the start when you allowed them to start their pre-drinks in the evening. if you had/have a rule on drinking due to unexplained reasons, then boundaries needed to be set from the start.

people like this 'friend' will chip away at something once they see even a tiny crack. you can see the progression throughout your original post and this p*ss taking is part of their makeup.

you need to stand firm and start now. good luck

bee06

OP, I assume you are all in your early twenties based on your username. I have younger brothers and sisters so I know that the more you tell them they should or shouldn't do anything the more they do the opposite at that age. You need to start treating her like an adult that you live with not your little sister. How would you deal with this situation if it was a stranger? Is there something in your lease about appropriate behaviour? Or did ye set out house rules when ye moved in together?

You are also playing right into her friends hands by going in and shouting the odds. You can imagine what she is saying to your sister now. "Oh, we were so quiet coming in this time just like he/she asked and we just made one noise and talked quietly and we're still in the wrong! Soon you won't even be able to breathe in your own house!"

deise08

Could you leave the key in the door after they go out?
There's no way they could enter the house then.
If questioned, you could just say you forgot.

Paddy Cow

Op you keep saying that your sister's friend is a nasty piece of work but you need to open your eyes and see that your sister isn't any better. Look at how your sister behaves -

All three of you agree in the beginning that there will be no alcohol in the house. Your sister starts ignoring this rule, gets away with it and ends up taking the complete p!ss.

Both you are your brother ask her not to bring this friend over and she ignores you.

She tells someone who she knows you don't like, extremely personal information about you.

She repeatedly brings someone back to the house, late at night, when she knows you and your brother have work the next day.

She tries to physically attack your brother.

She stands by while her friend tries to physically attack you and verbally abuses you, using personal and hateful insults.

Instead of kicking her friend out of the house, she lets her stay.

The problem here is your sister. You are very naive to think that she is just being easily led. I don't know many people who would allow family members to be treated like that. Both your sister and her friend behaved like scumbags. Until you stop letting her walk all over you, just because she is your sister, she is not going to change.