Is this 'normal' for new relationship?

greznik913

We are both 26 years old from Europe. It’s a new relationship – 5 months. She is great and I love her apart from some stuff I have been noticing for the last couple of weeks.
What bothers me the most is that I feel Im not a priority in her life most of the time. We live 20 min driving away and we see each other like 3 times a week. Its almost always me the one who drove to her town to see her (80 % of the time if not more).

So on Wednesday she called me and asked me if I wanted to come to pub that is in her town. She went there after work with some of her friends. I said id like her to come to my place since I m the one who is driving most of the time. She said I ll let you know and then I got the message that she got stuck with friends and that she knows she canceled on me but she can come to my place on Friday, Saturday and Sunday if I will want her to. I wasn’t happy but said Ok, have a good time… the other thing that also bothers me is that she is not eager to have sex. We both live with parents but im always alone for weekends so that’s when she can come to my place to sleep over and have sex. I invite her often but she comes like once every 3 or 4 weeks. I have little previous relationship experiences but I have always thought she would have similar wishes regarding the amount of sex because it’s the beginning of the new relationship…

So last Saturday I was invited to her sister’s bday party. She lives with her bf in a different town cca 40 min away. I m not a fan of events like this (especially when I do not know so many people there) and my gf is very aware of that. But I went because I know that means a lot to my gf and is a normal thing to do for someone you love/in relationship. So I picked up my gf (drove to her town - 20 min in opposite direction) then drove to another city 40 min, spent 5 hours with her sister, family and other folks who were invited. We were there till the end, and drove back. I was certain we are going to my place to sleep over. We talked about it one day before… When we were driving back home she got a call from her girlfriend who is also her neighbour saying they have some kind of little party at her place and that we should come. I said I really don’t feel like it (I had enough sitting,eating and drinking for one day) plus I d have to drive her back home (40 min remember) and then drive back to my place (antoehr 20 min). She insisted saying she doesnt have toothbrush, pijama and pills with her so we have to go there anyway. I was kinda angry saying why didnt she took it before or go back home with her parents instead with me and she said that she forgot and her brains doesnt work at weekends. I told her I can drive her to her town but I wont stay for a party and that its her decision - to pick stuff up and go home with me or stay for the party. She asked if I WANT HER TONIGHT. I repplied its your decision… I was irritated by the question since its normal that I want her and it would be normal if she wanted me too – we havent had sex for 2 weeks and it s a new relationship for gods sake. She said we can go there for half an hour and then go back to your place. I said Im really not up for it. The whole time she had her hand resting on my leg while I was driving.

So I drove her back home, she said see you tomorrow and kissed me. I was upset and disappointed but didnt say a word… She felt something is not right so she stayed in the car and talking about some irrelevant things – something like small talk… She knew Im not happy and that I wish her to spent the night in my place but choose to go to the party anyway. She chose friends over me AGAIN, twice in the same week.

Im not sure if Im wrong to be bothered with how things are between us. Something similar happened 1 week before that too. She went out for a drink with her girlfriends and I said to her she is invited to come to my place after and she replied I ll let you know - after 2 hours she texted that they still have plenty to talk about so she wont come and see you tomorrow. Do I expect too much from her? I wish to have sex at least one day for weekends since im alone in the house. I don’t feel like much of priority in her live because of this. Is this normal behaviour for fresh relationship? Should I be concerned?

Stavro Mueller

In short, no it isn't. Your girlfriend doesn't sound like she's all that pushed really. She's throwing you just about enough crumbs from the table to keep you interested but overall this sounds like one long headwreck. Maybe it's because English isn't your first language but you sound fixated with sex. It's like very time you invite your girlfriend over, that sex is expected. Maybe that is partly why she is avoiding you.

Overall though, this sounds like it's going nowhere. You don't sound sexually compatible. Most normal couples in the situation you were in would be jumping at these opportunities. It shouldn't be this much hard work.

greznik913

tnx, i hope ill see more opinions.

im not fixated with sex, im just expecting she would be little more eager to have sex. I mean its a new relationship - i was expecting she would be happy and grab every chance we get to have sex. But when you dont have sex for 2 weeks and then she declined invitation it really breaks my heart. I d really like to feel wanted sexually by her. But i do not have that feeling.
i was also expecting she will suggest something leading to sex - she never had for now.

Stavro Mueller

You haven't posted about this before, have you? Maybe that is why you're not getting more responses.

greznik913

No i havent...

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

It's like very time you invite your girlfriend over, that sex is expected.

But its the new relationship! Why is that a bad think to invite her over? Of course i expect sex, i think if things would be normal she would expect and wish the same!? If not now, when then - after 1 year, 2 years...

dont you agree?

meeeeh

I do.

I think your girlfriend likes the idea of boyfriend more than she likes you.

Btw if you are using your surname as your username, I would guess you are from country where it is not uncommon to settle down at your age. And not unusual at all to stay over even if parents are around. You don't need to answer that but if I guessed right then my advice would be : dump her.

greznik913

thank you for your opinion meeeeh.

Can i get more feedback please!

jimd2

I agree with the others, from your description you are investing a lot in this relationship and she is picking and choosing when to do what suits you.

Can she drive herself? It seems as if she is using you as a method of transport also.

I would be straight up with her regarding the prioritization of her friends. We dont want to lose our friends when in a relationship but this is too much in the other direction.

I think you are at ultimatum time. Decide whether continuation of the relatonship is something that YOU want. If it is speak to her and explain again how it is not working for you and what you expect from her. If it suits you then give it another go and see if she changes.

Best f luck,

strobe

I'd just end things. If things haven't improved in 5 months and it's still the same status quo, she knows how much it's bothering you and still is just basically suiting herself. Then it's unlikely to change at any point. I'd just walk. Who needs it? The world is teeming with women where this won't be any kind of an issue. Why choose this one over all of them?

greznik913

strobe wrote: »

I'd just end things. If things haven't improved in 5 months and it's still the same status quo, she knows how much it's bothering you and still is just basically suiting herself. Then it's unlikely to change at any point. I'd just walk. Who needs it? The world is teeming with women where this won't be any kind of an issue. Why choose this one over all of them?

I have a feeling she is more into relatiosnhip then into me.

I cant understant why is she with me then? Why she talks about future together... why she initiates/likes kisses and cuddling and hand holding.
Ill tell her what bothers me and give her lil more time...

Chemical Byrne

Saying that you "expect sex" is a pretty stong statement and if she is picking up on that sort of vibe it is probably a major turn off. I think you a placing too much stock in the sex side of things. Do you want a relationship or just sex?

meeeeh

I think there might be a language barrier. OP is not a native speaker and the same sentence could have a lot less harsh meaning in different language. OP I think there are just about enough cultural differences that there is no point asking for advice on irish website, you might want to try in a country you are both from.

I think you need honest discussion with her and openly ask what she thinks and how she feels. Also bear in mind that staying in your parents house is not the same as staying in your house. All I can say is that where I come from the whole situation would be considered a bit immature.

greznik913

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Saying that you "expect sex" is a pretty stong statement and if she is picking up on that sort of vibe it is probably a major turn off. I think you a placing too much stock in the sex side of things. Do you want a relationship or just sex?

By meaning expect im talking about her willingness and wishing to have sex more then once every 3 or 4 weeks. I was expecting she will also wanting sex since its the beginning of relationship!

I want relationship! But how can i be happy with sex ONCE/per month... sex is an important part of relationship.... hope you understand me.

magicmushroom

I hardly think expecting sex in a new relationship is odd!!

OP I'm sorry but from what you've told us I think you should walk away.
You sound like a really nice guy and a great boyfriend but she is not giving you what you want or need (not just in a sexual way) and you could find someone who will.

I know it's hard to leave behind a relationship with someone you love but if it's like this now after only 5 months I can't see it improving. She sounds a bit selfish to me and it's like she's not that into you.

To answer your question, No you are not expecting too much of her.
I think you should try and move on.

beks101

Relationships are about give and take. This one is all about you giving and her taking. You drive her around like a personal taxi service, you tag along on family nights out, you invite her over relentlessly only for her to ditch you for her friends, for a party, for any small thing that might be more appealing to her than hanging out with you.

Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who has to be pressured into spending time with you and has no sexual interest in you? It's not going to do your self-esteem any good and as time passes you're only going to grow more resentful, depressed and frustrated. Someone who loves you would not even want to imagine you feeling that way. She doesn't love you, she just likes having someone worship her, tend to her every whim and wait on her hand and foot. Good for the ego.

So yeah. Your options are to draw this one out in the vain hope that she might change, meanwhile growing more and more frustrated...or ripping off the band aid and moving on with your life, and finding someone who is actually interested.

greznik913

tnx for replies... this is what followed the next days:

After she chose to go to the party rather then come to my place and sleep over:
We did not see each other the next day - when i came home that night (she stayed for the party) i texted her that she has surprised me twice this week and I wish her a good night. She replied something like 'it happens, she is full of surprises and she is full of energy and see you tomorrow'. I texted back 'it was enough surprises for this week' - i know it was not the best reaction on my part but i was emotional and disappointed. So we did not hear or see each other next day.

Monday - day after that she texted me if i have time to see each other and i invited her for a drink - pub close to her home at 8 pm. She said ok. At 7.30 i was ready to go from my home but she texted me if we can postpone it for 30 minutes. My gut feeling told me she did this on a purpose - she did something similar few weeks back when we had our first argument and it was a BS reason. Based on that I texted her 'at 8 pm or some other day'. She said then OK, I ll come so i ll not surprise you again. When i came to the pub, i saw her girl friend drove her there - later she told me that they were at hers (my girlfriends) home having a drink so she wanted to postponed me for 30 minutes because of that. Once again i was not a priority... i could feel it as soon as she texted me if she can come 30 min later that its something like that...gut feeling as i said.

At the drink I told her how i felt and she said how we did not make a plan on Friday about her sleeping over at my place (which is not true) and she said if i said in the car that i want her to come to my place she would not go to the party and that she felt i was testing her what is more important to her - me or her friends... (looks like she showed me which one it it) she also said how she thought about calling a taxi and go to my place after she got my text i mentioned (about her surprising me twice in the same week) but then realized it was not a good idea. I also said the lack of sex bothers me . i said we have had sex 5 times in 5 months - thats the amount of sex people have in one week when they are in new relationship and she said 'I know...'
I asked her why she is avoiding coming to my place for weekends and if something was wrong the last time.... she said nothing was wrong but she didnt have time. She had a reason for the last time she did not come and one time before... then i said 'what about the time I invited you one day before, but the next day you rather invited your friends to your house to have a drink?' she remained silent because she did not have an answer. She had red eyes (almost crying) she said she promise me to come next time if i ll invite her again... We kissed after and it was ok...

Well after 3 days - during week - she said that her best friend is not working for weekend and that they are planning a ladies night, which means she will not come to my place again - she let me know in advance the reason so i dont even invite her . This was not the 1st time she said something like that between workdays... She is avoiding to sleep over my place - its obvious and i dont know what to do. When i asked her whats the reason for her avoiding and whats bothering her she said nothing... im frustrated because everything else is normal - she is very affectionate always initiating body contact is very caring, buy me gifts, we hear each other every day, she invites me and includes me on every family event or vacation....texted me that she loves me.... its just strange...

The thing is - I do not want her to come to my place to have sex/sleep over just becuse i want that but because that is something she wants and is eager to do herslef. i want her to come for that reason and that reason only. Not because she is doing me a favor if you understand me...
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Stheno

Seriously you two are like chalk and cheese
break up and move on

Stavro Mueller

Sorry but I think your relationship is doomed. You told her how you feel about your sex life, she heard you but nothing has changed. She obviously likes you to a certain extent and probably enjoys having a boyfriend on her arm. For some reason she just isn't interested in having sex with you. It could be something as simple as the pair of you having wildly differing sex drives. Some people just aren't into sex and for her, once a month might be just enough.

You can't force her to have sex with you if she doesn't want to. She is clearly demonstrating that she doesn't want to and is doing her best to avoid alone time with you. So you're left with a stark choice. Either break up and find a woman whose sex drive matches yours. Or stay together and get used to sexual frustration.

magicmushroom

Even after you've told her how you are feeling she still isn't bothering to make an effort.

I would seriously walk away now - it was a nice enough relationship while it lasted but you can do better and be happier.
You sound very nice but it is very clear there is no future for the 2 of you, she's just not putting in enough effort and you will grow to resent that (you already are).

Tell her it's been fun but you are looking for more than she can give you, wish her well and move on.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Slutmonkey57b

She does everything for her friends but drops nothing for you.

There's nothing in this for you. She knows it, too.

daithi7

leave her hanging some night to go out with your friends, don't invite her over that weekend and don't initiate any arrangements, and then on the Monday after that weekend dump her by text!! :-)

P.s. I know this may be seen as immature, but you've let this gf totally take you for granted, bigger fool you. IMHO It will be good for both you& her, if you balance the account a little before dumping her royally!

greznik913

After 1st sex i had to wait 2 months till she come to sleep over again. I was inviting her relentlessly for couple of weeks and then i gave up. When she called on Friday or Saturday I always had something to do and I never invited her. So after some time she said she feels im angry at her so i told her im not inviting her because she always had a reason not to come. she said she ll come the next time. She did - it was valentines day and during sex she said 'we should do this more often'... being confused? You bet...

also whenever we sleep together - next morning she always snuggles next to me and caress my chest or arm or put blanket over me if I sleep and im not under blanket... she also texted me that 'she loved me' but i guess actions speaks louder then words. She also buys me gifts and calls me constantly, when we are going out to eat she pays more often then me for both of us, asking how was my work, talking about future - what we are going to do in the next few months, i was invited on her mothers 50s birthday party... its not like she is using me but its like she is very into me when it suits her, but when she has something more appealing that moment im not important. its like she is selfish or something. She does not consider my feelings or just doesnt care about them..

I dont know whats her issue with sex even though i asked her - she said everything is OK - maybe thatas her preference and maybe she thinks thats how relationship works. For every time she disappoints me she often do something that shows me she cares. I might be blind by infatuation but i really dont know where this is going. I dont want to dump her since i already have strong feelings for her... but i doubt that i will get better in the long term, my logic is telling me it ll get worse after couple of months...

Stavro Mueller

greznik913 wrote: »

I might be blind by infatuation but I really dont know where this is going. I don't want to dump her since i already have strong feelings for her... but i doubt that i will get better in the long term, my logic is telling me it ll get worse after couple of months...

Oh you know where this is going alright but you don't want to take that final step. I don't doubt that you love your girlfriend but you've got to understand that if things are this torturous five months in, they're always going to be like this.

Every few weeks threads appear here from married men who are trapped in unhappy sexless marriages. There are usually a couple of kids who were conceived during rare sexual encounters in the early days. Now though, their wives have no interest whatsoever in having sex with them. They've tried just about everything but she's having none of it. Some of these guys have gone years without sex and are facing into horrible choices. Should they split from their wives, leave the family home and hope to find someone elsewhere? Is cheating on their wives OK? Or will they just have to stay put and put up with the celibacy?

Now you might say "Oh but we're only together 5 months and we're not married" but stop before you dismiss the above paragraph out of hand. These guys had problems getting their wives into bed before they ever married. But still, they went ahead and married them because they loved them in other ways. Now they're stuck, sexually frustrated and have plenty of time to regret their actions.

I'm sorry but you can post over and over about how she's affectionate and invites you to parties etc. but you're ignoring the core problem here. If pleading for sex is your thing, then stay with her. If you want a sex life, then sorry but you are going to have to end this sooner rather than later. It will hurt like hell no matter when you end this.

MadDog76

A relationship really shouldn't be this hard ........ ever ........ but especially in the first 5 months!
You should both want to mutually do things together including sex, nights in alone, nights out together for drinks, cinema, food etc. as well as being a couple in other people's company but there is nothing mutual about the relationship you are describing.
Maybe you're the wrong man for her or maybe it's the wrong time for her to be in an adult relationship ........ or maybe she's just the wrong woman for you!

I'd advise you to end things and, as difficult as it may be, move on .......... failing that, try the passive approach and wait for her to initiate things. If you have to wait more than a week without her suggesting being alone together then you have your answer.
Good luck!

greznik913

MadDog76 wrote: »

If you have to wait more than a week without her suggesting being alone together then you have your answer.

I already tried that... i waited 3 weeks and she didnt even mentioned sex. She wanted to see me, be around me, cuddle, kiss me... Then I was not able to take it any longer and invited her to sleep over I dont know why, is her libido that low or she is not sexually attracted to me but likes my personality. I think there is no other explanation... or she doesnt like sex.

I dont know how it looks like to be in a new relationship (this is my 1st, only flings before that) but i was expecting some initiating on her part regarding sex... or are women this day all so passive and guys have always take initiative?!?

MadDog76

greznik913 wrote: »

I already tried that... i waited 3 weeks and she didnt even mentioned sex. She wanted to see me, be around me, cuddle, kiss me... Then I was not able to take it any longer and invited her to sleep over I dont know why, is her libido that low or she is not sexually attracted to me but likes my personality. I think there is no other explanation... or she doesnt like sex.

I dont know how it looks like to be in a new relationship (this is my 1st, only flings before that) but i was expecting some initiating on her part regarding sex... or are women this day all so passive and guys have always take initiative?!?

3 weeks ........... you have your answer so!

It's over already, it's time for you to admit that to yourself and then tell her.

greznik913

So you guys think there is no way things will change for the better?
The thought about ending things really hurt me... Maybe we should go somewhere on vacation alone for the whole weekend and see how will things turn out there? Do you think thats a good idea? or do you guys have personal experiences that these things never go better?

MadDog76

greznik913 wrote: »

So you guys think there is no way things will change for the better?
The thought about ending things really hurt me... Maybe we should go somewhere on vacation alone for the whole weekend and see how will things turn out there? Do you think thats a good idea? or do you guys have personal experiences that these things never go better?

If a relationship goes bad early on then it's unlikely to improve ........

How could you get her to go away with you for a weekend anyway when she resists staying with you for a single night!

Stavro Mueller

I know you're going to go ahead and book the vacation anyway. Maybe you might even bed her if you beg enough. Mark my words though - things are almost certainly going to go back to the way they were. Don't say you weren't warned.

greznik913

You made a point sir...
It would be so much easier if she would just tell me whats her issue is... I mean how can I (we) solve a problem when i dont even know what the problem is? I asked her why she is avoiding to come and sleep over and she said she didnt have time. But i know if there is an interest she could come almost every time. i mean i usually invited her one day before so she can make plans. If she would be interest she would make it happen, thats what im sure of... Its pretty unfair from her to string me along like that and knowing we have an issue but she just doesnt want to work on it or tell my the reason why. I mean how can she expect relationship to work anyway? if i know what the problem is it would be so much easier... at least i would understand and not be angry at her. But as the things are right now i have 101 possible scenarios why she doesnt want to have frequent/regular sex and every one i came up with is worse then one before... it just su*cks

Stavro Mueller

Maybe there is no problem as far as she's concerned. Have you ever heard of Asexuality? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality

greznik913

I did and also already researched it. But its not like she never wants sex. Every now and then she decides that tonight is the night (like in the tv show Dexter) and is pretty straight forward about the thing. I have no problem with that behavior except that it happens soooooo rarely maybe she is gray asexual - she wants it sometimes or demisexual.. but after some thinking that can be said for every single woman out there who has low libido or doesnt want to have sex anymore for some reason... I just dont find that plausible.

Stavro Mueller

Even if she isn't asexual, I don't know what taking her on vacation would achieve. You've had sex and it wasn't enough to make her want to do it more often. She has been telling you in very many different ways that she's not interested in having sex with you. Yet you keep on asking and she keeps rejecting. Neither of you are listening to each other. She is unwilling to change. You're not willing to accept that she is unwilling to change.

average hero

Hi Greznik.

Frankly - I see two options. Option A is that you have a frank discussion with her and realize your differences. What comes from that is either that you stay together or move apart. Option B is that you quietly move away from her and see how she responds. This would be my preferred option because she drops everything for her friends but uses you like a toyboy when she decides.

You seem very invested in her while she seems to be treating you like she is less invested in this relationship.

It could work, but it just seems as if you guys have different priorities. That's cool, but at some stage you will have to realize it and decide what to do.

greznik913

I was thinking about getting a hotel room sometime after hanging out with her friends. To see if she wants to have sex then. Maybe it bothers her I always want her to come to my house for sex. maybe she doesnt like me when im creating situations where sex is scheduled into the nights plans rather than happening naturally. maybe thats the thing that bothers her so much - that sex doesnt happen naturally... its always a plan...

But I dont have my own place and she also doesnt which means sex has to be kinda scheduled. And I think thats something she doesnt like knowing her personality... but still - its a new relationship, if she was crazy enough about me or eager to have sex i cant see how something like that would bother her so much at this stage. She cant be bored with it since we do it so rarely... Dont know what to thik... its really too much work and questions at this stage of relationship...

I know im not the spontaneous person, but hey - if she is, she can make some moves or suggest something. there are 2 in relationship, dont you agree?

Penny Tration

She's made it extremely clear she does not want to have sex with you.

Booking a hotel room is just as planned as inviting her to your home.

Either break up with her, or accept a nearly sexless relationship.

Pushing her to have sex is simply wrong.

Slutmonkey57b

She is spontaneous, and does make plans on the spot, and will always move things round to accommodate the other person.

However, the other person is never you. It's her other friends.

She's just not that interested. If she was, you wouldn't have to chase her.

Offering different options, booking a hotel, talking about your needs aren't going to change that fact.

And chasing her isn't going to make her more interested.

PinkLemonade

greznik913 wrote: »

I was thinking about getting a hotel room sometime after hanging out with her friends. To see if she wants to have sex then. Maybe it bothers her I always want her to come to my house for sex. maybe she doesnt like me when im creating situations where sex is scheduled into the nights plans rather than happening naturally. maybe thats the thing that bothers her so much - that sex doesnt happen naturally... its always a plan...

But I dont have my own place and she also doesnt which means sex has to be kinda scheduled. And I think thats something she doesnt like knowing her personality... but still - its a new relationship, if she was crazy enough about me or eager to have sex i cant see how something like that would bother her so much at this stage. She cant be bored with it since we do it so rarely... Dont know what to thik... its really too much work and questions at this stage of relationship...

I know im not the spontaneous person, but hey - if she is, she can make some moves or suggest something. there are 2 in relationship, dont you agree?

I don't think your girlfriend wants to have sex with you, if she did she would more often. If your not happy in the relationship and she won't change then you should end it.
This hotel idea is just going to leave you out of pocket

meeeeh

OP, I am more and more thinking you started this thread because you didn't get answers you wanted to hear closer to home. There is nothing that you wrote that wIll give you different general answer here.

You can try booking hotel and not discussing the issue. Or you can talk to her and demand honest answers how invested she actually is in the relationship. I would still go for tgd third option and dump her, but that's just me.

MadDog76

greznik913 wrote: »

I was thinking about getting a hotel room sometime after hanging out with her friends. To see if she wants to have sex then. Maybe it bothers her I always want her to come to my house for sex. maybe she doesnt like me when im creating situations where sex is scheduled into the nights plans rather than happening naturally. maybe thats the thing that bothers her so much - that sex doesnt happen naturally... its always a plan...

But I dont have my own place and she also doesnt which means sex has to be kinda scheduled. And I think thats something she doesnt like knowing her personality... but still - its a new relationship, if she was crazy enough about me or eager to have sex i cant see how something like that would bother her so much at this stage. She cant be bored with it since we do it so rarely... Dont know what to thik... its really too much work and questions at this stage of relationship...

I know im not the spontaneous person, but hey - if she is, she can make some moves or suggest something. there are 2 in relationship, dont you agree?

This thread, like your relationship, is going around in an endless circle .......... nothing's going to change if you keep repeating yourself both on here and in your relationship.

greznik913

Yeah, you are right... i just want to find a way, anything to change it for the better. Im not happy in a relationship but i have strong feelings for her and I want to try everything before we go separate ways and left me wondering what if, what if... I dont want that. I ll talk with her as you suggested but i doubt i ll get honest answers since im pretty sure i didnt the last time.

edit: I just called her to meet me for a drink in a couple of hours... im wondering how it is going to be.

LegacyUser

Its clear she doesnt want to have sex with you. Yiu can goodle and find conditions or figure out something else (she doesnt find you that attractive etc) but it doesnt change anything. Even if you find the reason she wont change wont she?

Either you accept she doesnt and stop pushing her (maybe it happens then problably not) and find someone who is more into sex (and you)

If you keep going about old stuff and booking hotels it makes you only miserable and knocks down your confidence.

tara73

greznik913 wrote: »

Yeah, you are right... i just want to find a way, anything to change it for the better. Im not happy in a relationship but i have strong feelings for her and I want to try everything before we go separate ways and left me wondering what if, what if... I dont want that. I ll talk with her as you suggested but i doubt i ll get honest answers since im pretty sure i didnt the last time.

edit: I just called her to meet me for a drink in a couple of hours... im wondering how it is going to be.

I'm always wary when I read threads like this where young women, being in a new relationship, do almost everything to avoid sex but otherwise are very nice and doing a lot to keep the relationship going (stringing along).

so one guess is: was she maybe sexually abused earlier in her life?

as said, it sounds to me she doesn't want to come to your place because she knows you expect sex but that's what she's dreading. she's just giving you as much intimacy as necessary (one time a month in general?) to not break up with her and keep your hopes up. she wants a relationship and love but to enjoy the sexual part is destroyed for her. it is a real dilemma for women experienced sexual abuse.

do you have the feeling she enjoys the sex the odd time you're having it? or is it more like 'just getting over with it'?

It could be totally wrong, I never met her, but in case it never crossed your mind, you might look around this possibility and in case you decide that it's possible try to ask her about it in a sensitive way. It's not easy to find the beginning or right words with such issue, but as you whish so much to save this relationship it might be worth to rule this out, or find the key to her odd behaviour and take it from there.

greznik913

Im pretty sure she was not abused, but she does have some major emotional problems regarding her father. He left her mother and her sister when she was very young - a child and cheated on her mother. He also kidnapped her and her sister for couple of days when they were little and took them to spa pools or something... Thats why she hates pools and dont want to swim in there... She still have regular contact with her father nowadays (we even go to dinner together) but it has happened twice now that when we were arguing she said something like 'thats how my father was/acted towards my mother' and she was very emotional almost crying. He also faked her signature when his company went to sh*t so she had to pay some money because of him - she told me that was couple of years ago and that she was considering changing her lat name because of that.

Maybe she has emotional problems to be that intimate with men, i dont know...

btw I think she enjoy sex, but never climax - she said she never did with anyone but herself... she likes sex - but like once every 3,4 weeks. She come to my house when she wants it...

the_monkey

Kidnapped her and took her to spa pools ?

That sounds dodgy as fúck ...

greznik913

I just went for a drink with her. I told her Im not happy with so little sex that we have. I said i ll not be able to continue relationship this way... I told her it really bothers me that she isnt bothered not having sex with a boyfriend and that i found it unusual that she doesnt care there is so little sexual-physical intimacy. She said it bothers her too and that she would bring it up sooner or later if i didnt bring it up. She said she has never had this kind of problems with any ex bfs... She asked me where i had sex with previous gfs (she doesnt know that is my 1st relationship and that i had only flings before)... So I said to her - at home, in dorm, etc..

I said im not happy she often doesnt find time for me... she said she is busy and that the time she has she took for herself: spending time for drinks with friends etc...she said friends are very important to her... i said strong priorities... She said thats not the thing so I said what then? she said 'yes priorities'... So looks like that wont change.

About sex she has couple of suggestions:
- to go to hotel room when i have an urge,
- to have sex in the car (i told her im too big at 6'5 and 220 lbs - its not really enjoyable since my car in not really big)
- me calling her whenever Im home alone (I know theres no chance this would work since she doesnt even come when i invite her one day in advance)
- she suggest moving in together (to rent an apartment) - I did not took that one seriously...

I didnt say anything yet so she said she wants to make things work and i have time to think about it. She said how she doesnt want relationship to fail because of this and that we have to work on it not just talk about it...
I have a gut feeling that she said a majority of things just to make some peace in my mind and not actually mean it. its like she said all this things to get off her back not because thats something she really wants. i think she is just not that bothered about it and can go forward just as it has been all along.

If she really wanted to have sex with me and actually be bothered by the lack of it she would say/do something about it.... and I wouldnt be making this thread, would I?

dont know how to proceed... i have a feeling things wont change.

I also have a feeling that the lack of experience is killing me. Maybe Im not giving her what she needs sexually. / Her ex was 10 years older so he must know what he was doing. im still pretty clumsy i think.

MadDog76

Sex is important in a relationship but that's not the biggest problem in your relationship, you have become fixated with the sex issue which is preventing you from seeing the bigger issue .......... the fact that she said she won't be spending more time with you because she's needs time for "herself drinking with friends" and that is a big priority for her is the biggest problem your relationship has ......... end it, end it now.

greznik913

Well she WANTS to spend time with me/ call me, inititas dates during week BUT not at weekends when im home alone and when she is invited to come to my place... thats when her friends are more important.

Penny Tration

greznik913 wrote: »

Well she WANTS to spend time with me/ call me, inititas dates during week BUT not at weekends when im home alone and when she is invited to come to my place... thats when her friends are more important.

She wants to see you when it suits her.

She only wants to spend time with you on weekdays - guess why? Because you don't have an empty house on weekdays, so she doesn't have to have sex with you.

Just face it - she doesn't want to make time for you, she doesn't want to put you before her friends and she doesn't want sex.

You cannot fix this. So either accept it or end it.

strobe

I dunno, I'd say give it a couple of weeks to see if she lives up to what she said in your last conversation. She's basically said that from now on any opportunity for sex you suggest she will take you up on, as she is unhappy with the sex situation too. So give it a couple of weeks. Be upfront when you suggest her calling over to yours for example, not would you like to call over to mine but, I've a free house this evening, call over and we can have sex. And if she is being honest with you, she will take you up on any of these offers, she'll make time. If that's not the case, you've given things every chance you could, it's a lost cause.