I'm at my wits end

LegacyUser

I feel like I'm at my wits end.

I'm a 19 year old lad and I've just finished first year of college. I am sitting here writing this and I just want to cry for hours. Everything is overwhelming me.

I am so worried I am going to fail my exams and that would be the worst thing that could happen to me as I can't afford to repeat them both financially and mentally.

I was just as worried last semester and ended up getting all A's and B's even though I felt like I failed everything.

My dad is/used to be an alcoholic (he got drunk for the fist time in ages the last time I was home which was about a month ago) and my biggest fear is that if I fail my exams I will have to leave college and go home and live with him forever. I'm from a rural area so days could pass without me seeing another person.

I can't fail my exams they are the only thing that are important to me but I genuinely feel like I could fail them.

Since my dad stopped getting drunk most nights a week (he stopped when I was just finished 5th year) he has been extremely paranoid and he has done such crazy things as dug 4/5 holes in our front garden as he thinks there's things down there, he's slept in a drain for the night because he thought people were after him and he's been hearing voices and there's more things he's done aswell. All of this happened the summer after my leaving cert which was last summer and it seems to have gotten a bit better now (he went to the doctor and got medication but has stopped taking it for the last few months) but he is a very damaged person and I don't think I could mentally take living with him longer than a summer.

I was really worried today about my exams and I felt like my stomach was being kicked repeatedly. I can't deal with all of this its driving me crazy.

I can't go to the college counselling place because talking to a stranger about my life is just something I'm not comfortable doing and I'm afraid it'll interfere with other parts of my course such as work experience (we had a talk about work experience and the person in charge of it said to everyone that she works closely with the counselling service and I'm not exactly sure what she meant by that so I'm afraid if I say all my problems to them it'll affect my work experience chances) and I also leave college for summer in a couple of weeks after my exams so there's no point.

I'm also so lonely. Every night I go to sleep feeling so lonely. It's such a horrible feeling I just want someone to care about me.

I don't know how to make all of this better. I am at my wits end I am so stressed.

jopax

Hi op,

Its an awful situation to be in regarding your dad, to say the least.
Firstly I would say try to separate the situation with your college and your dad.
Even if the worst happened which it probably won't, you don't need to move back home. There are always other options, its just hard to see it when you are bogged down.
I think it would be in your best interests to talk to the counsellor that is what they are there for.
If you can't bring yourself to do that, then you could find a good gp and start from there.
Gp s are seriously great to help when you are in trouble like this.
Please just talk to someone who can help lead you through this.
You sound incredibly brave to me, so please mind yourself and ask for help.
Things will work out, sometimes we all need to reach out, please take care of yourself.

Please go and see the councillor as anything you say will be in confidence. Just talking to someone can often help alleviate some of the stress and help you think more clearly.

I wish you well OP.

Eeden

No one ever tells you how difficult life can be at your stage. Adults with hindsight wish they could go back to that time in their lives, forgetting how scary and stressful it could be.

It can be very overwhelming. It's all change, it's hard work and it's can be tough to deal with college, exams, living in a new environment, etc. especially without the guidance you used to get (or could potentially avail of) while at secondary school. Plus you're supposed to suddenly be an adult, when you've never been treated like one before. Added to that your family situation.

If you can make yourself do it, you should try to talk to a counsellor. I've known so many people who have ended up in a similar situation to you (and believe me, some of them are the people you would think are really on top of everything!), and I understand the reluctance to talk to a counsellor. But it's a good idea. In fact, talking to a stranger is often much better and easier than talking to someone you know (after all, you've posted anonymously on here to get advice from strangers.... )

Best wishes. Try not to panic.

LadyAthame

This level of anxiety is not usual and you don't have to go through it. I think it's partially to do with your background and the irrational fear of your father. You don't have to live with him forever even if you did fail.

I think you need some counseling to help you deal with the pain of your father's problem and how that hurt you growing up and this anxiety.

I was just as worried last semester and ended up getting all A's and B's even though I felt like I failed everything.

Well it's sounds like you are intelligent but lack self confidence and you will do better than you think?

I think living with an alcoholic primed you for stress disorders. You must have felt on edge all the time.

Al-anon is for the families of Alcoholics you could ask them for support. You don't need support just if you are currently living with an alcoholic but for the lasting effects.

Go to a gp ...also ask your college for help. Speak to friends.

Life is not exams you can do well still. You don't have to live with your father.

I know you say you don't feel comfortable talking to a stranger but you can slowly slowly build up a relationship. You don't open up over night ....you do it slowly ...the first time you go you can even just hello etc. Your counselor will be bound to keep it all private. You can confirm that with her. You will find confidentiality is very important to counselors.

Be kind to yourself and try not to worry. Do some relaxing things. Spend some time doing other things and with friends etc.

Blue Iris

Alcoholism has a huge effect on families and you have had it tough with your dad's drinking. You are believing that the worst case scenario will happen and this often comes from having lived with huge stress as a child. You have evidence that you are able to pass exams but you can't help but think that you'll fail this time. The level of stress you are under has you thinking negatively.

The counsellor is bound by a strict code of confidentiality and could never reveal your discussions with her to anyone on campus so don't worry that going to see her would affect your work experience. This is too hard for you to deal with on your own. Even a few sessions should be a big help to get you through the exams.

Google "Mindfulness" and watch some of the youtube videos about how to practice it. It really helps as a way of handling stress and overwhelm. Jon Kabat Zinn has some excellent talks. Best of luck.

dee_mc

I agree with what others have posted but just wanted to add, do go to see the college counsellor as soon as possible - it'll help straight away, and you'll have built up a relationship with him or her in case you need a chat at any point in the next academic year.
Also go to see your GP, as your anxiety levels are high and I know from experience how hard it can be to get through the day when you feel like that. The GP might be able to refer you for counselling (maybe closer to home, so you could attend over the summer break), and might suggest medication which could help with managing your stress levels.
Re your father's issues, is there someone else that could speak to him and encourage him to go back on his meds? Don't be afraid to say 'I have enough going on, can you please help my dad?'. You are so young, sorting out your father's problems isn't your responsibility.
Finally, just want to say sincerely, well done you for doing so well in college and for being able to recognise your feelings etc. You're obviously an intelligent and self aware young man, which is to be commended.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the replies. I just can't fix this. I can't go to the counselling place and I know I should but I just cant.

I was in the library for a few hours today but I just got fed up and came back to my house and I've been lying in the room for the last few hours and I feel so bad. I can't fail. If I do my life is ruined and I will end up living in that hell hole again. I know I can move out but its not that easy.

I really don't know what to do. I'm going to sleep soon cos its the only time I don't feel absolutely horrible. College is the only thing I have in my life and I cant fail it.

I am so frustrated and fed up with everything I just can't deal with it.

Thanks everyone for your replies and I'm sorry if it looks like they are going on deaf ears.

I want to stop feeling so bad all the time I have nothing good in my life

LadyAthame

Thanks for the replies. I just can't fix this. I can't go to the counselling place and I know I should but I just cant.

I am so sorry wits end. I wish you could go. But at least you have here and that I guess is a start. I really hope you find a way.

LegacyUser

OP.
I take it you haven't done your exams yet? I really wish you would talk to somebody. You are under stress with your exams, and I'd imagine that as a result all your other worries are coming to the surface and suddenly, your brain just can't cope with it anymore.

First things first - you haven't failed yet. So try your best to break all the things in your life down to small pieces - exams are the priority. Getting yourself through the next few weeks healthy and whole is what's important. Please try and focus on that.

Secondly, you really should go and talk to the college counsellor, but I understand if you feel you just can't. So maybe stop worrying about that for now.

Thirdly your Dad. That's an overwhelming thing, it would be for anything. But right now, there's nothing you can do about him and you have to just get through the next while and your exams.

I'm sorry to make it all sound so simplistic, but you have to understand that it is ok to be stressed and that it can be managed. I'm going to reiterate that you really should talk to a counsellor - honestly it can't be shared with anyone else in any way. Sometimes it is actually better to speak to a stranger because they don't anybody in your life or you, and they can offer good insight as someone who is standing outside looking in.

Best of luck OP and in the absence of anything else - good luck in your exams.

emuhead

Hi OP

As others have said it might help talking to a counsellor about this. Student counselling can be open over the summer - it depends on the college.

Student counselling in universities has rock solid confidentiality. They don't even attach it to your student record or will tell a member of staff that you even attended if they ask. The records kept there are entirely separate to the rest of the college and never leave the student counselling dept. I know this because I've worked in a university. I can't speak for the work experience person but I imagine what they meant was that they would refer a student who they felt needed help to student counselling, and that they were aware of what help was available not that they were having conversations with the counsellor about what students were attending or what issues were arising. It would be out of the question for a university counsellor to break confidentiality in that way. The only exception to this is if a person was at immediate risk of harming themselves or another person.

I don't know what college you are in, but there are usually drop in type emergency slot appointments for people who need immediate help. There isn't any pressure to tell the counsellor about your life. You could start by telling them a bit about what's going on and what your concerns are about counselling even.

There's also a welfare officer in most university student unions that you can talk to, confidentially. There's an anonymous help line run for students by students http://www.niteline.ie/ that you might want to check out.

There is no need to be alone with this - take care OP

LostinKildare

Hi OP,
You mentioned that you felt this way last semester too, when you thought you failed everything but actually did really well. Do you recognise that your fear that you will fail, as intense as the feeling is, probably isn't realistic?

It sounds like anxiety has overtaken you, and you're catastrophizing. Imagining the worst and getting freaked out (which I believe is not uncommon in a child of an alcoholic/mentally ill parent). I agree with the other posters that counselling would help -- you seem like a bright and sensitive young man who would really benefit from CBT or something like that. If you can't bring yourself to do that now, would you consider ringing Samaritans, which is also completely confidential?

Remind yourself that you did well on your exams last semester. You are a good student. You have proven that you are able for this, that you can study and do the work and succeed. You have more control over this than you realise. Those frightening feelings you're having are just feelings, not a true reflection of the situation.

LegacyUser

Hi again everyone.

Thanks so much for taking the time to help.

I really do think I have a basis to be worried about failing exams as this semester has been a lot more difficult than last. I can't fail though cos college is the only thing I have in my life. I wish I was over reacting but I'm not. If I fail my life is ruined.

I think I will ring the Samaritans number thanks so much for that.

The nite line website looks really helpful aswell.

Thanks so much again and I hope so much that when the results come out in June that I have passed everything as it means more to me than just getting a degree.

dee_mc

endwits wrote: »

Hi again everyone.

Thanks so much for taking the time to help.

I really do think I have a basis to be worried about failing exams as this semester has been a lot more difficult than last. I can't fail though cos college is the only thing I have in my life. I wish I was over reacting but I'm not. If I fail my life is ruined.

I think I will ring the Samaritans number thanks so much for that.

The nite line website looks really helpful aswell.

Thanks so much again and I hope so much that when the results come out in June that I have passed everything as it means more to me than just getting a degree.

Those are positive steps to take, fair play to you.
Will you do one other thing?
Will you go see your college counsellor and either tell them what you've said here, or show them what you wrote in this thread?
I know it's hard, but internalising your feelings will only make them stronger and more overwhelming. There is literally nothing to be gained from adopting a 'wait and see' policy in a situation like this.
I can say to you honestly, if I hadn't gathered the courage to see my GP when I was feeling like you do now, I would have failed my exams and I probably wouldn't be here now to hear your cry for help and try to encourage you to take the first step towards feeling better.
I can't tell you how much of a relief and a load of your mind it would be to discuss this with a professional and get their help.
All the best of luck to you again.

jopax

Hi op,
I just wanted to say, I don't doubt your concerns about failing your exams and what it means to you at the moment.
There are a lot of people who wouldn't have even made it to college considering your dysfunctional home life, so you should be really proud of getting this far on your own, where a lot would have given up.
Its not that your fears aren't real its just that you don't need to do this alone.
Trust me, that talking to a stranger about your situation is not that hard, keeping it all inside is worse.
Life does have a funny way of working things out, as everyone has said please get help.
I grew up in a dysfunctional family and it was only through reaching out and getting help that my life finally started.
As the previous post said professional help is the answer.
Really wish you the best op.