relationship struggle

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I want to go unknown for this as there are people know know me here.

My problem is my boyfriends sister. At the beginning we got on relatively well and I had no reason not to like her but over the last year she has showed her true colours to me on several occasions. She's nasty, mean spirited, selfish and trouble causing. She ridicules people of the slightest things and intentionally hurts peoples feelings. My boyfriend warned me at the start that she can be hard to handle at times and to be careful what I say and do around her so. This left me quite anxious whenever she was around, but rightly so. She has over the last couple of years ridiculed my clothes, my hair, my car, talks about me when I leave the room, makes fun of certain characterisitics of mine, tries to turn other family members against me, the list goes on and on.
Recently though shes trying to put ideas in my boyfriends head that im cheating on him. This has really hurt me as I live for my BF, I spend as much time as possible with him and would go to the moon and back from him. I have absolutely no idea what Ive done.

This is all staring to effect on me and I no longer want to go visit my Bf anymore and its putting a strain on our realatinship as Im constantly upset by her actions. This is a grown woman causing this.
Just wondering has anyone has any similar experience and how should I deal with this?

Thanks for reading folks.

LegacyUser

Well your BF did you warn you at the beginning that she has form. She sounds a bit unhinged and from what you describe she seems very insecure and miserable and in in her own life and is using this this as a means to be nasty to and about others.
She could be jealous of you. Who knows? Is there any way you can just avoid her altogether?
Has your BF believed her when she says you are cheating them? if he believes her and starts to question you about it then I'd walk but if he thinks she's a total looney and ignores her then I'd just concentrate on the relationship you have with him and ignore her completely.

Penny Tration

Where is your boyfriend when she's throwing all these insults at you and saying you're cheating?

Is he defending you and telling her to shut up?

Mr.McLovin

Is your bf aware of the situation?

LegacyUser

my BF says he has defended me several times when Im not there but both him and the rest of the family just say" just ignore her, its just the way she is".

This really gets to me beacuse I know if any one of my 3 sisters or 2 brothers behaved like that my parents would not tolerate it and nip the whole thing in the bud.

It seems that she can say what she wants, and everyone just rolls their eyes because thats just her but no one actually pulls her on it.

Neyite

She has over the last couple of years ridiculed my clothes, my hair, my car, talks about me when I leave the room, makes fun of certain characterisitics of mine, tries to turn other family members against me, the list goes on and on.
Recently though shes trying to put ideas in my boyfriends head that im cheating on him.

Is it your boyfriend who is telling you what she says behind your back?

LegacyUser

Yes, it is him that is telling me this as well as his sister barely spaeaking to me.. just a grunt If Im lucky.

Potatoeman

Her family are not doing her any favours. This kind of behaviour might be tolerated by family but most people will run a mile. I would avoid her and tell your bf that you dont want to be anywhere near her unless he's willing to stick up for you.

Neyite

Upset_in_Dublin wrote: »

Yes, it is him that is telling me this as well as his sister barely spaeaking to me.. just a grunt If Im lucky.

Why on earth is he telling you all this crap then?? He says nobody pays heed to her so why is HE paying heed to her and passing on the horrible stories?

There are two scenarios here
- she is saying all that stuff and he is relaying it, and genuinely clueless that its hurting you deeply.
- that he is saying that she is saying all that stuff but is doing so to upset your self esteem and gets a kick out of you being upset and anxious.

Either scenario can be fully resolved by you being crystal clear you dont want to hear a single word from him /any of his family of what poison his sister is trying to spread. Ever. If he starts to tell you - interrupt and tell him point blank you are not interested.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

Why on earth is he telling you all this crap then?? He says nobody pays heed to her so why is HE paying heed to her and passing on the horrible stories?

There are two scenarios here
- she is saying all that stuff and he is relaying it, and genuinely clueless that its hurting you deeply.
- that he is saying that she is saying all that stuff but is doing so to upset your self esteem and gets a kick out of you being upset and anxious.

Either scenario can be fully resolved by you being crystal clear you dont want to hear a single word from him /any of his family of what poison his sister is trying to spread. Ever. If he starts to tell you - interrupt and tell him point blank you are not interested.

Thanks for your post Neyite. I've have some confidence issues and so therefore find it quite difficult to be argumentative. But I have never once set a foot wrong with my bf and would do anything for him or his family and have done in the past. I don't want to be walked all over & I feel like I've to put up & shut up and she's gets away with her nonsense again.
He knows how upset I am but want me to forget about it everytime it happens. His family are all very vocal and somewhat intimidating at times where as I come from a very quiet, unassuming and kind of shy family. I sometimes feel like I don't fit in and so when things like this happen it's makes me feel even more like an outsider.

strobe

I'm inferring he lives at home with his family and so that's where you go when you go to see him?

Tell him it's got to the point that her being "a bit hard to handle" is making you feel like you don't want to call over there. So you won't anymore unless he has a word with her, and can assure you she will respect what he has said.

magicmushroom

I agree with Strobe that you should just stop going over to the house
Just because she's your boyfriends sister doesn't mean you need to put up with her crap - if she was anyone else you'd cut her out of your life and I would do the same here.

if you want to spend time with his parents, maybe ask them over to yours for a nice Sunday roast now and again, or suggesting meeting up for coffee somewhere with his Mum - if you have that kind of relationship with her.
Just avoid the sister, tell your BF you don't want to talk about her anymore and move on.

OR do what I would do - confront her - text her and ask to meet up and then ask her outright what her problem is. However if you don't feel comfortable doing that, just do my first suggestion.

Don't let her ruin your life or relationship though, you are a grown adult and can deal with this

Typer Monkey

It's unfair of him to tell you horrible things that his sister is saying about you and then telling you to ignore it and not address it. What does he expect you to do with that information?

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies folks, i really appreciate your advice!!

I am going to take a break from going near his house for a while and leave him to visit me. He does say that he's on my side and his sister is in the wrong but when she's comes to the house I fill up with dread and feel totally awkward and self conscious and afraid to even speak in case its mocked or ignored.

I shouldnt be afraid of her because I have done absolutely nothing wrong.
I don't however have the confidence to confront her and I dont want to cause any quarrels within the house. Im also going to take the advice and tell my BF that I dont want to hear anything about what shes says ever again. I've almost made myself sick with worry over all this, especially these cheating claims (where she got these I dont know) I think the biggest thing that annoys her is that she knows very little about me and I shared very little information from the start. It's not that I have anything to hide, Im really not that interesting but I didnt like the "spanish inquistions" from her at the start and I'm quite a private person.

Ethel

If she is the one mouthing off, why do you feel you'd be starting quarrels. I'm not sure why they pussyfoot around her behaviour. She does things like this because she gets away with it. Why hasnt the family confronted her about the way she behaves and the lies she tells?

Your boyfriend needs to sack up and tell her to shut her trap. And if he hasn't the guts to then tell him you want to hear no more about her, and you won't be visiting the house.

Potatoeman

I wouldnt bother confronting her. She sounds like the type that would feed off that. I would just avoid her.

LadyAthame

Be fair , straight forward and firm.

Try once ONE opportunity to offer kindness. After that be gracious, fair and polite that's all you can do. Don't internalize it.

LegacyUser

Potatoeman wrote: »

I wouldnt bother confronting her. She sounds like the type that would feed off that. I would just avoid her.

I disagree with this. Why should she not confront her, she has all these accusations of op cheating on her boyfriend?? I for one would not have anyone talk crap about me, if your boyfriend was really close to her who knows, that could have been the end of your relationship if he believed her claims of you cheating?

I had this years ago with my first LTR I was about 22, his sister, for some reason, hated the ground I walked on. Her family put up with her, and not just to do with me, but in general she was a very negative spiteful person. Anyway, unlike you though, I didn't hear this from my bf but just sh*t she'd say when I was around.

It was all very petty stuff but the remarks used to annoy me and I'd always think of an answer after it all happened. I had my say one day though, it was before the smoking ban came in and myself and my bf were in the pub smoking at the table. She came along not long after with her son. The usual ignoring me the whole time, but a few hours later she's still there, with her son and getting drunk. In her drunken state (while in charge of a toddler) turned to me and said my son is coughing because of you (not him, me) and your smoke so stop it.. I turned around and said love if you don't like it you can crack on nobody asked you to expose your son to this you chose to sit here so go elsewhere. She got the ar*e and stumbled off with her child.

My bf said nothing but looked very sheepish. Because I stood up to her, I never had a problem for the remainder of the relationship..

Sometimes you just have to put people in their place xx

December2012

If you don't see her, she can't upset you.

So don't see her. Don't go to their house.

Don't listen to any stories about what she says.

If there's a family night out, ignore her.

Don't give her any more head space