hate the person i become

LegacyUser

For years i lived a double life.It was on the internet.I used to frequent chatrooms and internet forums.I met some nice folk on the way and some not nice folk either.Sometimes i think about them folk.Wondering should i apologize or would they care.

What bothers me the most,is/was my internet forum postings which are old.I lost the run of myself in them.I gave out about everything.Some posts where sexist,nearly racist,giving out about pub service and everything. Course,what i wrote is permanent.I didn't care back then.i think some cases i revealed bit too much.I was an idiot back then. An angry person.If someone do see them,what else can i do but admit to them.i am ashamed of them.

My life in general, is in a mess.I haven't worked in a long time.Can't afford go back to education.Everyone else is doing well except me.I have no friends,not much family and not much hope.I think i made a few enemies in my time.
Im not looking for sympathy because i know i don't deserve it.I only posted because need someone to talk sense into me.Maybe i am overthinking on all this.

Is Springboard still a thing?

blatantrereg

Deleted User wrote: »

Is Springboard still a thing?

yeah it is

Stavro Mueller

The most important thing here is that you now regret what you wrote and see how it was wrong. At this stage there'd not be much point in apologising to the people in the chatrooms because they've probably moved on and don't remember you too well. You're probably a dim distant memory at this stage - an early version of a Twitter troll. In terms of you revealing too much. Would anyone nowadays be able to find and identify you from what you wrote? You didn't use your real name I hope?

What you need to do is draw a line under what went before and improve your life. It's easy to become embittered and full of self-pity so taking positive steps to change your life would help enormously. If you're unemployed, are there any courses you could do or any internships you could take? Would you be willing to take a minimum wage job to get yourself out of the house and back into the workforce? Even if it's something like flipping burgers in McDonalds or stacking shelves in Tesco. A better job isn't just going to fall into your lap but if you start small you could start to go places.

Blue Iris

Life is a journey of trial and error. We learn and grow based on our experiences and the level of our reflection on those experiences. You have started some deep reflection on your past and it is causing you pain. Because you hurt others, I think it's ok to feel the pain of that, but it should only be temporary. So I would suggest that you let yourself really feel the pain, let it transform you, and then let it go as completely as you can.

That's all any of us can really do. If we have made mistakes we can learn from them and in so doing we regain our integrity. My sense is that you feel that you have lost your integrity. But as soon as you started to realise the error of your ways, you regained your integrity. So try to let that thought in and slowly rebuild yourself. You can make yourself a better person, but you have to give yourself a fighting chance. Best of luck.

LadyAthame

If you are genuine you can start over anytime. Work out why you are angry. Forgive yourself and the world. Guilt after awhile is a useless emotion. What I mean is you must let it become strong zeal for better actions and thoughts.You can't fake the real deal when you turn off the screen it's just you again, you can't hide that. And you shouldn't have to hide. So your journey stalled but you are still here. I do't know what you have or have not ben through..you don't know what others have been through. Do better and be kinder yourself and others. If you need to express negative emotions write vile horror stories paint punch a pillow. Use the poison. Or do what my Dad does harness it into useful life situations. Use anger constructively. You are wasting so much energy it's possibly why you are finding other issues hard to fix you are draining your own life force. Stop draining yourself and very important stop draining others. REALLY genuinely it has to be real and deep down. No one can take your measure by what you earn etc. What do you want? You can only have the energy to live if you Stop wasting it you are self consuming. Stop hating yourself self hatred is like drinking poison and expecting to get better. Change is possible everyday. But only if it's not your true nature ad you are not going to con yourself. If you move on forgive yourself. You will need to forgive others in the future remember the grace of forgiveness. Heal build yourself up wish positivity for anyone you hurt and keep life and your conscience light. We all make mistakes and will need forgiveness.

If you are being totally genuine and honest i wih you the best...if you are not being honest...i hope one day you will be because life would be a shame that way.

I wouldn't expect people from the past to necessarily want to be around you but forget about that this is for you.

zeffabelli

It looks to me like the person you have become is someone who can reflect and think again about the person they chose to represent on the internet and is not so happy about that. What is to hate about that? This shows humanity.

What we meet on the internet is not the person, but their representative. I think we all kind of know this.

Text can be subconcious and the anonyminity or at least the illusion of it, frees it up. I think we all know this too.....people say stuff they don't mean all the time, or say regrettable things, things that they don't feel the same way about the next day or even five minutes later.

Chalk it up to a lesson learned and try to remember its never too late to turn it all around.

We all have inner critics. If you actually wrote down what your critics said, you'd notice what a boring, repetitive, and limited person this critic is. And usually with some odd standards and criteria.

Your self pity however is a stalling device, this you must shake out of.

Rubberchikken

you sound like you've reach a turning point in your life.
let the stuff from the past go. things people read on the net are erased as the next thing comes along.

you need to focus on now and getting things sorted. if you claiming unemployment could you look into going back to college on back to educ allow?

are you applying for jobs? in the meantime, keep busy, get exercise and fresh air. good luck

Ally Dick

Your life starts today. Leave all the old clutter behind. Stuff you write on the internet can be visible to people for years. I was guilty of horrendous trolling years ago myself, when I was lonely. I gave it up because it doesn't make you feel any better. You're better off being constructive with people when you are online. Regarding the job situation, I was made redundant at Christmas, and have been wallowing in self pity ever since. Thinking of doing a Springboard course. Maybe you should do something like that ? Ask them at your local job centre maybe ?

LegacyUser

Hi all thank you for replies.Was great.yes i have been meeting a job coach/adult guidance counselor and they have been helping me along the way.i should remind myself the posts are years old,and there's people who would do worst things and feel less remorse than me.I thank you all for the posts, they were a relief. i don't feel as bad now.Thread can be locked.