My life has no set direction

Phoenix Wright

Hi all,

Basically I don't know what motivates me anymore. I went through an awful time in secondary school (all boys) and have not seen a great change in my situation from when I was there. The long term effects of being mocked everyday are low self esteem and self-doubt which cripple me pretty much everyday. At several points last year I walked as close as the door to lectures (21 y/o male here) but wouldn't go in because I was five minutes late and the attention I'd draw. It's not only that, but I fear that I will be judged for sitting on my own or treated negatively by those around me. Sometimes I believe this is all in my head, but at other times my reasons for anxiety are verified.

A lot of my anxiety comes down to persistent (albeit not serious) acne which always drags my confidence down at random times. Throughout the Leaving Cert I was driven to be successful and was always told that things would change and that the people bullying me would experience hardships in life while things would change for me. They haven't necessarily changed at all, and to be honest I don't know if they ever will. I missed my course on random selection and was terribly unlucky. This was a blow, because being one of the smartest people in my year was always my thing and it didn't really pay off in the end because ultimately I had the same faith as those that studied on the last day.

My LC was effected by being slagged the whole time, struggling to fit in and I met my girlfriend towards the latter stages of the year. To be frank, she was a bad distraction and has (still together) a lot of issues from her past relationship and her situation at home. These were particularly prominent in the first few months of our relationship and I sometimes wish I had been less lenient and told her to f off.

While I'm happy with the course I have now, my life still makes very little sense to me and it's always been the way. I was never hugely sporty, so never could fit in with that group. I didn't like going out drinking too much so I couldn't fit in with that group. I didn't play video games to the extent of others in my year so that was that group gone. I was from an area where there were people around that were different to me so I could never fit in. Even when people tried to include me, my cautiousness held me back.

I was motivated by money, and outdoing the people that picked in me in every shape and form was going to be my reprieve. But it looks like it's going to be years before I finish college because of the nature of my course and the job market (I need to post grad). Regardless, I've begun to realise that these reasons aren't the best motivators and now I've been left in limbo. My life could end at anytime and I don't want to look back anyway and say to my children that I was fueled by revenge. I've always liked to help people and my course gives me the opportunity to do that which is great. I still don't know what I want to do after undergraduate though and it bothers me. I'm still not sure where I fit in society and what type of person I am. I'd even go as far as saying my dress sense expresses this.

I don't know whether staying with my girlfriend is a good thing or not. The relationship is too serious for my liking and we argue over the most ridiculous things. Tbh, she has even worse issues then me which worries me because if I were to break up with her I know it would break her heart. Having said that, I always convince myself not to and that things will change but they never do in the way I like, our values are too far apart. I'm moving up the country for coop soon and I'm worried that will enhance these problems further. We do have good times together usually, but it's when we argue is when the problems start.

I don't know whether I believe in God or not either, but I don't want to make a definite decision so again I just sit on the fence. I don't know whether I want to have children even which is something that is obviously ages down the line but when my girlfriend absolutely does, I don't want to waste her time. I don't even know who my friends are anymore because I haven't talked to people from secondary school in a long time and I get on well with some of them but I've lost contact. The only reason I keep my FB page open is so I can message people occasionally but again, I rarely post because of how I think people will judge me. I'm friends on FB (couldn't reject them) with a lot of nasty people that would take the piss for sure. I don't even have a music genre I particularly like.

Sorry for jumping around from place to place, I can go in to more detail about certain points and probably have more to add to this.

Blue Iris

I'm so sorry to hear that you experienced such awful bullying for such a long time. This has influenced everything in your life and it makes it really hard for you to have a relaxed and happy outlook on life. There are lots of studies that show that seriously negative experiences in childhood can get wired into our brains and bring down mood, lead to anxiety etc. You are doing some really useful reflecting on the underlying causes of your current issues.

I would suggest that you consider some counselling, maybe with the Counsellor in your University. If you don't want to try this yet, I'd suggest that you read some books about plasticity of the brain and how it can be rewired.
Rewire Your Brain, by John B Arden is a really good one to start with. For it to work though you would have to make a focussed and determined effort to put the suggestions he makes into practice. Reading it without doing something wouldn't change anything.

Regarding your girlfriend, I don't usually like giving suggestions that might influence someone's life. On the positive side, the fact that you have eachother's company means that neither of you are isolating yourselves, which is a good thing when you're feeling low. On the negative side, the fact that you are arguing a lot is depleting your energy and making you feel bad about yourself. Give yourself time to think about the pros and the cons and then trust the decision you make about the relationship.

I get so mad when I read about persistent bullying as it is so harmful and so very unjust. To use a cliche, keep reminding yourself that they have compromised their own integrity as human beings, not you. While they tried to crush you, they only succeeded in hurting you. Hurt can always be overcome. Work on building yourself up from the inside. Treat yourself with deep compassion. Best of luck.

MouseTail

To add something small to the great advice above, stop putting so much pressure on yourself to have the big issues and questions sorted out. I'm over twice your age, and still figuring them out. The most interesting and curious people imo don't make a definitive decision on the existence of God for example, and then stick with that forever. They are open to new ideas and influence and opinions remain fluid throughout their lives. Sitting on the fence, or agnosticism is totally acceptable and valid.

Phoenix Wright

Thank you to both of you for your responses, I appreciate them a lot. Religion for me has always been difficult to understand. Believing in an afterlife has so many benefits (ironically enough I'm a psychology student) and I admire the faith that some people have.

I guess it's just something that I'll figure out over time.

Phoenix Wright

Is there any chance that this thread can be deleted?