bring back stuff back to ex?

writer_lady170

Hi everyone, in a bit of a pickle at the moment and would appreciative your advice

So I broke up with my ex nearly 2 months ago and I have some stuff of his here (we didn't live together but he used to stay with me for a day or two before the relationship turned pear shaped). Ideally I think I'd like to return it to him but not sure how to go about it. Do you return it in person? We didn't end things on a mutual note if that makes any difference.

Thanks in advance

HalloweenJack

Do you want to reestablish communication? Did you end on a good or a bad note? Who ended it?

Doing this will open the door to communication, whether you want to or not, so it's something to be aware of.

If you don't want to see him or contact him, maybe you guys a mutual friend that can be an intermediary, just get them to say something like "writerlady found this stuff and thought you might want it" but ask them to do it in a very cold way and not to take any messages.

woodchuck

What kind of stuff is it?

If it's just bits of clothes etc that aren't sentimental and can easily be replaced, then I'm not sure if it's worth opening that line of communication. If he took the break up badly, then it could be seen as rubbing salt in the wound. (OR, as crazy as it sounds, he could think you're using it as an excuse to contact him because you regret your decision...)

Tokyo

Do you have any friends in common who would be happy to act as proxy? If so, give the box to your friend, and let your ex pick them up at his leisure.

writer_lady170

HalloweenJack wrote: »

Do you want to reestablish communication? Did you end on a good or a bad note? Who ended it?

Doing this will open the door to communication, whether you want to or not, so it's something to be aware of.

If you don't want to see him or contact him, maybe you guys a mutual friend that can be an intermediary, just get them to say something like "writerlady found this stuff and thought you might want it" but ask them to do it in a very cold way and not to take any messages.

I'm kinda 50/50 on whether not I want to open the door to communication, I kinda do as it would be closure and sort of not as I don't know how he's going to react kind of thing, I don't want it to be awkward but it probably will be.

I ended it, there was a few reasons why but the main one was because he was controlling in the relationship. Things weren't good for a while and we were both unhappy (he tried to end it twice). I intended to break the news in person but sh1t hit the fan before I could meet him in person so it happened not quite the way i hoped it would go!

We ended things on a bad note, it wasn't really a mutual decision. The night we broke up we had a chat on Skype and he was saying he had made a mistake, messed up big time etc and wanted me to reconsider. I cut contact for my own sanity and the following Monday I started a new course, he found out then and during the day I got a number of texts etc, that were upsetting ( I don't blame him as he was upset and hurt). I tried to say that I was sorry and I needed some space.. we wished each other well at the end but I know that he was hurt and upset.. so not sure how he's going to react

I've been thinking that the mutual friend is the way to go, given that we sorta ended on a not so good note. Part of how we met was through an organisation for people with asperger's and the organisation have a support group for parents. They meet once a month and I was thinking of asking my mom to give the box to the ex in law when they meet up and the ex in law can give the box to the ex then (I know that's a roundabout way of doing it) That's being put off for the moment as a family member was rushed to hospital suddenly two weeks ago and my folks are down in Cork to help out a bit

HoneyBee78

Has he asked for his stuff back? Surely if its that important he would get in touch?
Its a tricky one alright as he might take it up the wrong way..

writer_lady170

woodchuck wrote: »

What kind of stuff is it?

If it's just bits of clothes etc that aren't sentimental and can easily be replaced, then I'm not sure if it's worth opening that line of communication. If he took the break up badly, then it could be seen as rubbing salt in the wound. (OR, as crazy as it sounds, he could think you're using it as an excuse to contact him because you regret your decision...)

it's a box with a towel, a special type of wine (i know it's forgein but I can't remember where it came from, he brought it down one day to have a drinking session together but that didn't happen) and a necklace that's his, he gave it to me in the early days of dating but I know it means a lot to him, he got a bit emotional when he gave it to me

very true, I don't want to make it harder or stressful on either of us

writer_lady170

mike_ie wrote: »

Do you have any friends in common who would be happy to act as proxy? If so, give the box to your friend, and let your ex pick them up at his leisure.

at the top of my head I don't think there is

writer_lady170

HoneyBee78 wrote: »

Has he asked for his stuff back? Surely if its that important he would get in touch?
Its a tricky one alright as he might take it up the wrong way..

nope, had no contact from him since the break up, tis a tough one

HoneyBee78

I've had to do this twice in the last 17 months, 2 exes, one lovely long term ex whom I have a child with so I still see him and we get on great, to help me get over him I cleared anything in the house that was his and gave it back to him. I even gave him back the engagement ring as I needed closure.

Another ex I never wanted to see again, he was manipulative and lots of other things I wont go into now but it ended very badly and I didnt want to see him again so I got a friend of mine to drop his stuff off in his mams front garden!

HoneyBee78

writer_lady170 wrote: »

it's a box with a towel, a special type of wine (i know it's forgein but I can't remember where it came from, he brought it down one day to have a drinking session together but that didn't happen) and a necklace that's his, he gave it to me in the early days of dating but I know it means a lot to him, he got a bit emotional when he gave it to me

very true, I don't want to make it harder or stressful on either of us

Dump the towel, drink the wine and post the necklace back to him??

writer_lady170

HoneyBee78 wrote: »

Dump the towel, drink the wine and post the necklace back to him??

humm yeah i could dump the towel, as far as the wine goes, I'm not a huge fan of drink, and could post the necklace

woodchuck

HoneyBee78 wrote: »

Dump the towel, drink the wine and post the necklace back to him??

I think this is the way to go! If you don't drink wine, just give it away... I'm sure a lot of people would be happy to take it off your hands :P

I'd maybe send the necklace by registered post or something like that to make sure it doesn't get a lost. A short note to say that you didn't feel right keeping it and thought he'd want it back should do.

Stavro Mueller

I doubt he'll miss the towel. The wine'd probably cost more than it's worth to get back to him. Maybe it's not that fancy either and cost him about a tenner in Lidl. Give it to someone. He probably wouldn't want to drink it anyway if it came back from you. The necklace on the other hand - all I can do is +1 the other who've suggested you send it back to him by registered post.

I think in the circumstances, you'd be mad to restart contact with him. I remember your other thread where you asked for advice about how to end things with him. It's unfortunate it didn't go to plan but it is over for good now and that's the way it should stay.

LadyAthame

Hi Writer lady.

Sorry to hear about the way he behaved to you.

I ended it, there was a few reasons why but the main one was because he was controlling in the relationship. Things weren't good for a while and we were both unhappy (he tried to end it twice). I intended to break the news in person but sh1t hit the fan before I could meet him in person so it happened not quite the way i hoped it would go!

I wouldn't re-establish communication if I were you. If you do it go through someone else give a clear signal you are not trying to re-establish communication. Post??

I would worry contact will just upset him but mostly it might upset yourself.

And you shouldn't re-establish contact I think.

writer_lady170

woodchuck wrote: »

I think this is the way to go! If you don't drink wine, just give it away... I'm sure a lot of people would be happy to take it off your hands :P

I'd maybe send the necklace by registered post or something like that to make sure it doesn't get a lost. A short note to say that you didn't feel right keeping it and thought he'd want it back should do.

I think so too, seems the best way given the situation. I'll post off the necklace next week. thanks for your help people:)

writer_lady170

posted it off this evening by registered post I got a tracking number so I know when it's delivered there

stop animal cruelty

Arent you a decent ex writer lady! asked my ex to send few of my little things back, gave him time but he didnt bother his arse. feck em plenty men out there for us

writer_lady170

stop animal cruelty wrote: »

Arent you a decent ex writer lady! asked my ex to send few of my little things back, gave him time but he didnt bother his arse. feck em plenty men out there for us

thanks sac his things were sitting there reminding me of him so I thought it would be good for him to have his things back. I tried to word my note in a nice way so hopefully he won't be upset or contact me again. Sorry you had that experience! you're dead right btw

LadyAthame

Well done ! I hope you are ok.

writer_lady170

LadyAthame wrote: »

Well done ! I hope you are ok.

thanks I have good and bad days but ok generally

writer_lady170

so he got it last night, a few hours later he contacted me to thank me for sending it back to him and wished me well:) was a bit worried that he'd say mean things again but he didn't thankfully. Now what that done, that chapter of my life is done. Thanks again for your help boards people