Anxiety Masturbation

Duncan Thicket

Can anyone help please ? I left my job on a redundancy package at Christmas. I was there for many years. I found it very traumatic. I left because they outsourced the work to another company so I had little choice. I am married and love my wife very much, but she doesn't seem to realise how hard this has been on me. We sleep separately a lot of the time since my hours are later than hers since I left the job. I have found myself awake at night and masturbating to try and relax and get to sleep. Now I am masturbating during the day time too, because I find I am anxious and upset over what happened. I don't want to go to a psychiatrist because they are merely a mirror held up to your face, I feel, and I am not sure that they will tell me anything that I didn't know already. Another downside is that my sex life with my wife is non existent for a number of months now. I go for long walks regularly but I still have the urge to masturbate a lot despite this. I am getting more depressed over the masturbation and the job loss. Any advice on what I need to do. I am praying a lot for guidance from above as I am a christian

Wibbs

You'll get more relevant replies here.

Chemical Byrne

This sure is an unusual one OP, never heard of this type of thing before of using masturbation to deal with stress.

You say your wife doesn't understand. Have you discussed your job worried with her to help her understand? Will she listen?
When you say sleep separately are we talking different beds/rooms?
How is your relationship in general, have ye grown apart?

My opinion on it is the stress releiving hormones released with orgasm are what is helping to take the edge off the axniety and as that is the way to get them you've become hooked on masturbation.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with masturbation per se, it IS a stress reliever and it is quite healthy, except when it reaches problematic level. How many times a day do you do it? Is it taking the place of other activities or are you neglecting duties to do it?

There is a lot of habit involved here, if you feel its problematic perhaps you could take up some other stress relieving activity to take its place.

I would say this though, if your worry about masturbation stems from some religious taboo, please try not to let yourself be ruled by such arbitrary fabricated things. There is nothing wrong with normal levels of masturbation, it is a normal healthy thing that EVERYONE does fromt time to time.

Gummy Panda

OP I'd recommend talking to a councillor. Going through a redundancy is a very stressful event even if it is voluntarily. You go through the same emotional journey as a person grieving. A councillor will be able to work with you on your anxiety and help you to stop using masturbation as self medication.

Its important to remember your role was made redundant, not you.

Saralee4

It sounds like your developing a similar reaction to stress as a person who comfort eats. Part of it is probably boredom too and needing something to do.

At least you can recognise what you are doing and now you are aware you can find a way to deal with it.

I would say maybe enquire about some councilling and take up a new hobby, maybe some volunteer work something to get you out of the house and keep you busy.

LadyAthame

Duncan Thicket wrote: »

I am praying a lot for guidance from above as I am a christian

How often do you masturbate? If it's only a few times a day I think your religious ideals may be clouding your mind.

Duncan Thicket

LadyAthame wrote: »

How often do you masturbate? If it's only a few times a day I think your religious ideals may be clouding your mind.

Once a day. Purchasing pornographic material online at times. Looking at lots of the free stuff as well. All when my wife is out of the house. I started doing this before I left my job, as the stress and enormity of what I was undertaking was dawning on me. Since I've left the job, it is happening on an almost daily basis. I'm so worried about the future. I'm finding it hard to think of myself working for another company. Not sure if I can work anywhere else. I was in the one job since I was 17. I feel completely lost.

strobe

Why is your sex life with your wife non-existent? Jesus, no wonder you're stressed if along with the work situation you haven't had sex in months.

The going to sleep at separate times shouldn't be any kind of reason. There's 24 hours in a day. I'm sure you must be alone together for some of that time prior to the time your wife is heading off to sleep.

LegacyUser

Talk to your wife. Why aren't you? Tell her it's been really difficult for you and the redundancy has caused you anxiety. Reconnect with her, create intimacy again, tell her you miss it. Don't just turn to porn, it's quite addictive, just an easy cop out. It will and has been leaving you wanting more and will make you feel sneaky and seedy if its behind your wife's back. Put that energy into reigniting your sex life and using this difficult time to bond with your wife again. Deal with your feelings, not bury them under this habit.

jimmyRotator

Theres growing evidence that online porn is addictive, bad for mental health, and bad for sexual health.

Check out yourbrainonporn dot com for more info.

Also check out a TEDx talk by Gary Wilson.

Best of luck.

Chemical Byrne

Masturbating once per day is not in any way excessive at all. It would be normal for most guys and (i don't know your age) for someone in their 50s it is good and healthy.

I feel you r worry partially stems from some religious hang up. I don't mean to be dismissive of your religion, or whatever, but it's not healthy to let it dictate your life.

The most important thing is to discuss your career worries and sex life with your wife, if she will listen. If she won't listen, then perhaps you need to evaluate the relationship and discuss if there is a future in it for ye. Life's much too short to be drifting along miserably in a dead relationship/marriage.

Also, all normal guys look at porn to some degree. There is nothing wrong with it as long as you're not getting addicted and feel a compulsion to look at it.

blatantrereg

Psychiatrists diagnose and treat mental illnesses. It's not accurate to think of them as a mirror, any more than it's accurate to think of a medical doctor as a mirror.

Masturbation is normal. In fact it is physically unhealthy to refrain from it if you are male and are not having sex: If ejaculation is too infrequent in men it increases the risk of problems with the prostate. Masturbating once a day is not excessive.

Porn is a bit of an overarching category, but it's not necessarily bad per sé. If its content is not abusive or age-inappropriate I wouldn't worry about it. I think the fact you are buying it when you're not working is not okay though. Stop doing that.

Beating yourself up over masturbating and viewing porn is counter productive. Have a quick **** to clear your head and get on with your business. It sounds like you are quite wrapped up in yourself. You are likely to be neglecting your wife. She is likely to be distressed by your withdrawness. Pay attention to her instead of worrying about rubbish.

LegacyUser

Talk to your wife. Why aren't you? How much have you tried? Tell her it's been really difficult for you and the redundancy has caused you anxiety. Reconnect with her, create intimacy again, tell her you miss it. Don't just turn to porn, it's quite addictive, just an easy cop out. It will and has been leaving you wanting more and will make you feel sneaky and seedy if its behind your wife's back. Put that energy into reigniting your sex life and using this difficult time to bond with your wife again. Deal with your feelings, not bury them under this habit.

Chemical Byrne

OP perhaps you could tell us what your relationship with your wife is like in general. Are ye still actually married in a meaningful sense at all or are ye just two people living somewhat independent lives in the same household? We are not getting the full picture here.

If his wife is religious too then maybe she sees sex as something only for procreation and is not interested in it any more. I know it's a dynamite thing to say but most women loose all interest in sex once they are married a while.

sadie9

Hi OP,
You have a porn addiction not a masturbation addiction. You can't be responsible for how you feel but you can be responsible for your behaviour.
You wife has no part to play in your porn addiction. Don't go blaming her.
Ask yourself this.
Is this habit I have taken up helping me to get closer to the people and things I care about or further away?
Is there other healthier things I could do that would help me with anxiety that this?
Is this habit helping my self esteem or making it worse?
Is it the best for me and my relationships in the long run?
If I was a caring friend who was advising me, what would I say to that person I care about? What might I advise him to do?
Have you a gym nearby?
Studies have found that daily exercise is as effective as anti-depressants.
You could join a spinning (cycling) class at the gym. Most gyms do them daily.
I would cut the computer use completely for 3 weeks, and do the gym each day for that 3 weeks. I'd be very surprised if you didn't see a complete turnaround in yourself.
you can use the exercise to manage your stress and anxiety. It's worth a try surely. I'd also suggest counselling to manage the stressors of losing your job and this addiction.
If its the family computer you are using (please say its not) you are putting your family at risk by paying for porn. Any agency which supplies that porn may be supplying other types of porn. Also pop ups and viruses of pornographic images can be downloaded without you knowing and may appear on the screen when others are using it.

blatantrereg

Surprised by some of the responses here. Motivated me to look up various studies on the issue.

There is some evidence in the literature that violent pornography can increase men's propensity to commit sexual violence against women, and that it can influence men to be more inclined toward victim blame with regard to rape of women. Not all studies are in agreement. Socially acceptable forms of aggression was occasionally reported to be increased following generic pornography (e.g.: behaviour in sport). Viewing nude pictures apparently reduces aggression directly afterwards on the other hand.

The only effect that comes across through non-violent erotica is that it tends to make men horny directly after watching. There is a surprising amount of studies that do little but prove this, and occasionally try to use it to justify some hypothesis. For example one paper claimed that viewing pornography increases men's tendency to objectify women because men who talked to a woman after watching a pornographic movie were more sexual in how they interacted with her than men who did not watch porn immediately beforehand. This is an absurd conclusion, all it suggests to me is that watching porn tends to make men horny.

I did not find any credible studies indicating that men's attitudes towards women were negatively effected by non violent pornography.

Multiple linear regressions indicated that hours of viewing pornography was not a reliable predictor of attitudes toward women in either sample. Patrons of the adult theater, who viewed more pornography, had more favorable attitudes toward women than male or female college students. In Study 3, 75 students were randomly assigned to watch four hours of erotica or four hours of psychology films over five consecutive days. Power analysis indicated a strong test. Manipulation checks showed a difference in students’ perception of the erotic nature of the videos, but attitudes toward women were not influenced by type of video.

http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224498909551529#

The summary demonstrates a homogeneous set of results showing that pictorial nudity reduces subsequent aggressive behavior, that consumption of material depicting nonviolent sexual activity increases aggressive behavior, and that media depictions of violent sexual activity generates more aggression than those of nonviolent sexual activity.

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1468-2958.1995.tb00368.x/abstract

Results showed that the erotic stimuli resulted in much interactive activity and in significant amounts of sexual arousal, but use of computer pornography by participants did not affect any of the measures of attitudes or behavior toward women in comparison with the control condition and regardless of participants' affective orientation to sexuality

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563297000149

There is significant evidence that religious people who consider masturbation to be wrong experience negative effects from viewing pornography. This is the effect of feelings of guilt, not directly from the activity.

Saralee4

Op like many have said, there is no shame in masterbating however if doing this is having a negative impact on you and it is not something you are enjoying then it is a problem. If something makes you unhappy then you need to explore the reasons why you keep doing it.

I think the main problem for people trying to give you advice on this is that

1) for some people viewing porn and
masterbating once a day is normal and does not negatively impact them and fits with their libido and sexual urges. It's hard to tell if this is the case with you because you mentioned a significance with religion in your post and therefore your religious beliefs may have something to do with you feeling negative but not the act itself.

2) it may be that you are developing an addiction to porn and masterbating that is not good for you and is interfering with your life negatively and your relationships. It could be that it is not a moral issue for you but is genuinely something you are using as a stress relief but not finding it is helping but just adding to the problem.

I think this is why the advice you are getting here is conflicting.

LegacyUser

The moral issues of getting his kicks from videos and images of other women online that are not his wife is probably causing the distress. The answer would be to cut out the porn and just masterbate without it. You will get the stress release without the guilt and addictive effects of porn.

Duncan Thicket

My wife keeps getting on my back about getting off my ass and getting another job, but I still so upset over losing the last one. It was a job that I loved. They sent the work off to cheaper economies. I try to project an image of being well able to cope and on top of this to her face, but am devastated.

Duncan Thicket

My wife keeps getting on my back about getting off my ass and getting another job, but I am still so upset over losing the last one. It was a job that I loved. They sent the work off to cheaper economies. I try to project an image of being well able to cope and on top of this to her face, but am devastated.

Thank you so much to all the really helpful advice that you have all posted. I really appreciate it

uck51js9zml2yt

There are a few issues here as I see it, some of which have been dismissed by other posters.

The first is your positions being made redundant and the sense of your own self worth based in your job.
The other is your Christian faith and sin.

As was said, it was the position made redundant and not you. having been through 2 redundancies in 3 years I know how you feel.
I used my 2nd redundancy to re-skill, doing that in my 40's with a young family was a huge risk but worth it.
There are a number of options to get you out of the house while looking for work.

Springboard which would allow you go back to college part time and Skillnet which offer free courses to the unemployed. I can give you more details on these later if you wish.

I did a Postgrad in IT and a load of smaller certifications which allowed me move from a 25 year career in transport into IT.
Its a full time job looking for work and can be disheartening getting told "no" but keep going. There are also networks available to allow you meet people in the same boat as yourself.

The other point is sexual sin. I wont dismiss is as a religious hangup because I know its not. Its already been said the effects pornography has on the brain. You need to stop. Its a vicious circle - sin -repent- sin.... and then guilt for falling again.

God knows what you're going through and is more gracious than we give him credit for. But He also makes a way of escape.
As you've said, you've a lot of time on your hands and are alone a lot. Deal with these 2 areas and it will reduce the opportunity.
I'm reminded of what happened King David when he was at home instead of being out doing what kings were supposed to be doing.He saw Bathsheba instead of being out fighting battles.

I don't know how long you're out of work or what steps you've taken in looking for work. Have you a LinkedIn profile? A good CV? Is you're CV public on job recruitment sites?

I assume you are in a Church. You should talk to your Pastor. The amount of information you tell him is up to you but at least talk about how the redundancy is effecting you. Its good to share the load and have someone on your side.

You said you go to bed later than your wife. Start restoring your relationship and go up earlier. I know what its like staying up until the early hours when not having to get up for work. Now that I'm working again,I'm in bed by 1030. If you can start talking to her, telling her how you feel having lost your job, she might get to understand the effect her words are having on you.

I was fortunate. I have a supporting wife who was glad to have me home with 2 young kids and a Church who supported us during the 4 years I was out of work. I was still a difficult time but I'm now working having gone from management to an entry level job in my new career.